Pre - "deployment" detachment

soontobesam

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend is in the Army and recently we found out that he is headed to Korea in June 2013. I don't know that this is technically a deployment but for all intents and purposes that's what I'm calling it here.

Yesterday he ended up coming home in the morning because he worked the night before and he was acting weird. He kept telling me I was fired and that we were just roommates now. At first I was laughing about it and took it all in stride (we're weird, I embrace it) and then throughout the day his comments and actions just kept getting more off. He went back into work and when he came home it was the same - I got annoyed and went and pouted in our bedroom and ignored him. A little later I asked him what the deal was and he commented that he "feels like he is wasting my time" and went to bed. I went and laid with him for a few minutes (I was still doing homework and it was still early) and he again made the comment about wasting my time and touched on some of his frustrations with his current unit and general army complaints.

I don't know - I don't know what this is but I'm equal parts pissed off and sad and needed to vent. Part of me says ok assbag, you want to be roomates? Done, I won't prep the coffee maker for you, I won't have "girlfriend/boyfriend" time with you, forget about me making you stuff to bring to work etc etc and then the other part of me wants to reach out.

I wasn;t with him during all his other deployments so I don't know if this is just how he handles things but I'm not really sure how I should handle it. I'm a little emotional this morning so hopefully what I wrote above makes some sense.

Help me please
Sharon

johloz

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I may have a little insight into what is going through his head. One of the main differences between being sent to Korea and going to Afghanistan, other than it not being an active war zone, is that dependents are authorized. This means that if you were to get married, you could go with him. He's probably under a lot of stress because 1) He's deploying to a country on the other side of the world, which is stressful enough, and 2) He's faced with either marrying you, or being apart. It sounds like he's not ready for marriage, since he's saying things like "I'm wasting your time."

My husband and I went through this when we were dating and he got orders to Germany. Since we knew we were going to get married eventually anyways, we went to the court house and made it happen so I could go with him. I have friends that were faced with the same situation and did not get married. Some are still together, some are not.

If I were you, I wouldn't pressure him to get married, but I would definitely sit down and really think about your situation. How long will he be gone? Are you willing to wait for him, or not? Of course, we romantically think that we will wait forever for our soldier, but if you aren't prepared to do that, be honest about it.

If you decide that you will stick it out and stay with him even on the other side of the world, have a heart to heart with him and let him know. Tell him that even in opposite time zones, you still want to be his girl, and see if he feels the same. If you don't both feel that way, start thinking about ending things now.

I wish the best for you and him, and I hope he is able to cope well with the stress of the move. Perhaps you could suggest that he reach out to other people already there for advice and encouragement -- it helps a lot with the moving-to-another-country jitters.

Best wishes!

soontobesam

Thank you for replying!

The thing that is making this so difficult is that we've talked about marriage a bajillion times, moving to Atlanta after he fulfills this contract (or whatever it's called) and building our life there so for him to all of a sudden start acting like that isn't the plan is a little unsettling.

I don't have any intention of going to Korea as my career and school are here and he is aware of that so there isn't really any pressure for us to get hitched (although HE made a comment about getting married before he leaves just two weeks ago).

He text me earlier and I asked if he was ok and he was talking about how the next three years are going to be "interesting" and how he feels like things are just on hold until he can start his real life. This is his 9th year and he is unhappy in his current unit so I guess that on top of being sent off to Korea is just a lot to handle?

I guess I just need to wait until he gets home tonight and we'll have to talk.

Thanks

Sdevore30

This is the hardest thing ever!!!! Sounds like he deals with his stress as my boyfriend does! My boyfriend just deployed to Afghanistan and before he left he just kept saying don't wait for me I am just waisting your time your better than this etc. it's hurtful because apparently we love them or we wouldn't of made it this far! I hope all has worked out for you guys.