Advice please
Replies
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1. You told him you were interested in going out -- twice! Clearly! He knows it. Yet, he never solidified it (i.e., okay, how about Thursday, or Saturday, or Sunday?). Instead, you are left with a wishy washy, "sometime" just hanging out there. You are now pursuing him.
THIS.
This is why I asked why he had to ask you out twice. If I were to ask someone out for drinks (and she obliged) then I would set a time and place right then and there.
My major pet peeve are wishy-washy people. The fact that he asked you out twice and hasn't set a time/place would be a huge turnoff for me if I was a girl.
I agree...I feel like if he suggested drinks, you said yes then he should have said "okay, when?" instead of you having to do the asking. I'm not that big into women asking men out. But I hope it works out for you!
For all the people in here who say they don't like people who play games, there sure does seem to be a lot of gamemanship.
I don't think it's a game. I just have standards for myself.
whoops double post.0 -
I don't think it's a game. I just have standards for myself.
See I think having those kinds of standards are limiting yourself. She has put this guy on the spot and will find out if he was really interested or not, instead of waiting two more weeks or having to come in here and get all of our assumptions on every matter pertaining to him.
Now he can have no second thoughts to the fact that she is interested in going out on a date. It only take one thing to make a guy question interest. I wonder how many chances we have all lost because of confusion, when it could all easily be defeated by doing something like the OP just did.... not saying this is the exact case here though.0 -
I don't think it's a game. I just have standards for myself.
See I think having those kinds of standards are limiting yourself.
This is absolutely true! But I will say it also took me a long tome to realize I was limiting myself (and this applies to many areas of life, not just dating).0 -
1. You told him you were interested in going out -- twice! Clearly! He knows it. Yet, he never solidified it (i.e., okay, how about Thursday, or Saturday, or Sunday?). Instead, you are left with a wishy washy, "sometime" just hanging out there. You are now pursuing him.
THIS.
This is why I asked why he had to ask you out twice. If I were to ask someone out for drinks (and she obliged) then I would set a time and place right then and there.
My major pet peeve are wishy-washy people. The fact that he asked you out twice and hasn't set a time/place would be a huge turnoff for me if I was a girl.
I agree...I feel like if he suggested drinks, you said yes then he should have said "okay, when?" instead of you having to do the asking. I'm not that big into women asking men out. But I hope it works out for you!
For all the people in here who say they don't like people who play games, there sure does seem to be a lot of gamemanship.
I don't think it's a game. I just have standards for myself.
How are those "standards" working out for you?
Of course it's a game. Part 1 was that she's now doing the pursuing like it's some sort of game. Part 2 was that she indicated her weekend is available with short notice. This may make her look less desirable because she doesn't give off the image of being pursued by other men. Please! She's a single mom who has every other weekend available. Do you really think you can fool him into thinking you have all these other dates lined up?0 -
Of course it's a game. Part 1 was that she's now doing the pursuing like it's some sort of game. Part 2 was that she indicated her weekend is available with short notice. This may make her look less desirable because she doesn't give off the image of being pursued by other men. Please! She's a single mom who has every other weekend available. Do you really think you can fool him into thinking you have all these other dates lined up?
I think there's also an age gap here coloring our analysis of the situation.
When I was 24, I had more time for this. I had my whole life in front of me. My weekends were wide open, excitement only limited by my imagination. Most weeknights were also potential opportunities for meeting new people and having fun. Rules about who to ask out, when, how, why, seemed to make more sense at the time. Why not, the possibilities were limitless!
But now I'm a single dad with a demanding job, and it's a miracle when I actually have a weekend available. Don't get me wrong, I'm not desperate. Far from it. But when I have my opportunities, I really try to seize them.
--P0 -
If I recall correctly many people excoriated DM for suggesting that a guy should try to give off the impression that he was well occupied most weekends whether true or not.0
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I don't think it's a game. I just have standards for myself.
See I think having those kinds of standards are limiting yourself. She has put this guy on the spot and will find out if he was really interested or not, instead of waiting two more weeks or having to come in here and get all of our assumptions on every matter pertaining to him.
Now he can have no second thoughts to the fact that she is interested in going out on a date. It only take one thing to make a guy question interest. I wonder how many chances we have all lost because of confusion, when it could all easily be defeated by doing something like the OP just did.... not saying this is the exact case here though.
Do you know how many time on a friday night I have texted guys to see if they want to go out? I've lost track. Before I started dating Mr. NG my friday mornings consisted of texting every guy in my phone that i was interested in to see if anyone bit. I have no problem asking the guy to come hang out or excepting some last minute plans. I would rather go out and have fun then make it look like I'm unavalible and stay home0 -
I never ever never agree with a word you say .. but I agree with this!Exactly.
Let's avoid the three-dimensional chess and just be honest and direct. He's expressed interest, you're free for the weekend, go for it! We're not 18, anymore. Playing hard to get is a losing long-term strategy.
If he declines, you've saved yourself weeks or months wondering if there's anything there. If he says "yes," you can have a nice date, and who knows?
Carpe diem.
--P
Well, I've always thought you had really attractive eyes.
--P0 -
I never ever never agree with a word you say .. but I agree with this!Exactly.
Let's avoid the three-dimensional chess and just be honest and direct. He's expressed interest, you're free for the weekend, go for it! We're not 18, anymore. Playing hard to get is a losing long-term strategy.
If he declines, you've saved yourself weeks or months wondering if there's anything there. If he says "yes," you can have a nice date, and who knows?
Carpe diem.
--P
Well, I've always thought you had really attractive eyes.
--P
Oh, well played!!0 -
I never ever never agree with a word you say .. but I agree with this!Exactly.
Let's avoid the three-dimensional chess and just be honest and direct. He's expressed interest, you're free for the weekend, go for it! We're not 18, anymore. Playing hard to get is a losing long-term strategy.
If he declines, you've saved yourself weeks or months wondering if there's anything there. If he says "yes," you can have a nice date, and who knows?
Carpe diem.
--P
Well, I've always thought you had really attractive eyes.
--P
Oh, well played!!
Unless she's always hated her eyes.0 -
If I recall correctly many people excoriated DM for suggesting that a guy should try to give off the impression that he was well occupied most weekends whether true or not.
Personally I think it's silly game playing (for either gender) to pretend to be busy when they are not. I don't get how acting as though you are super busy helps attract someone. Isn't the ideal to find someone with balance, meaning they have both their own social life and time to include a partner when they find one?0 -
i think you did the right thing. he'll either say yes because he's interested, or no because he's not. he could also say "i'm busy, but how about another day?" and offer one up........ if he doesn't then you know he was just being nice and you can move on.
i only do first dates on my kid free weekends too. :-)0 -
If I recall correctly many people excoriated DM for suggesting that a guy should try to give off the impression that he was well occupied most weekends whether true or not.
Personally I think it's silly game playing (for either gender) to pretend to be busy when they are not. I don't get how acting as though you are super busy helps attract someone. Isn't the ideal to find someone with balance, meaning they have both their own social life and time to include a partner when they find one?
This is what I was trying to get at in the coupon thread, impressing with bs.... but instead I turned into the coupon guy I guess, lol. Here is to two for ones :drinker:0 -
Well, I've always thought you had really attractive eyes.
--P
The better to see you with ...0 -
OMG I can't wait to see if he's free :bigsmile: I wouldnt have to think twice to message a guy who's already suggested we go out. Women need to 'man up' in this respect! :flowerforyou:0
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If I recall correctly many people excoriated DM for suggesting that a guy should try to give off the impression that he was well occupied most weekends whether true or not.
Personally I think it's silly game playing (for either gender) to pretend to be busy when they are not. I don't get how acting as though you are super busy helps attract someone. Isn't the ideal to find someone with balance, meaning they have both their own social life and time to include a partner when they find one?
This is what I was trying to get at in the coupon thread, impressing with bs.... but instead I turned into the coupon guy I guess, lol. Here is to two for ones :drinker:
Hey! Anyone seen 'coupon guy' today??? :laugh: :laugh:0 -
If I recall correctly many people excoriated DM for suggesting that a guy should try to give off the impression that he was well occupied most weekends whether true or not.
What does excoriated mean?? :laugh:
I never agreed with DM on that one. That's just utter BS! I dont get you guys that are always busy. How do have room in your life for someone else then? :huh:0 -
If I recall correctly many people excoriated DM for suggesting that a guy should try to give off the impression that he was well occupied most weekends whether true or not.
What does excoriated mean?? :laugh:
I never agreed with DM on that one. That's just utter BS! I dont get you guys that are always busy. How do have room in your life for someone else then? :huh:
"Torn a new one"
I don`t either but noticed the irony of ladies suggesting it too.0 -
If I recall correctly many people excoriated DM for suggesting that a guy should try to give off the impression that he was well occupied most weekends whether true or not.
Personally I think it's silly game playing (for either gender) to pretend to be busy when they are not. I don't get how acting as though you are super busy helps attract someone. Isn't the ideal to find someone with balance, meaning they have both their own social life and time to include a partner when they find one?
This is what I was trying to get at in the coupon thread, impressing with bs.... but instead I turned into the coupon guy I guess, lol. Here is to two for ones :drinker:
Jim, You are totally my kinda guy, and I'd go with you for that two-for-one any day! :drinker:0 -
If I recall correctly many people excoriated DM for suggesting that a guy should try to give off the impression that he was well occupied most weekends whether true or not.
Personally I think it's silly game playing (for either gender) to pretend to be busy when they are not. I don't get how acting as though you are super busy helps attract someone. Isn't the ideal to find someone with balance, meaning they have both their own social life and time to include a partner when they find one?
This is what I was trying to get at in the coupon thread, impressing with bs.... but instead I turned into the coupon guy I guess, lol. Here is to two for ones :drinker:
Hey! Anyone seen 'coupon guy' today??? :laugh: :laugh:
checking in :blushing:
Man I'm bored today, going for the peeps posting record!!0 -
1. You told him you were interested in going out -- twice! Clearly! He knows it. Yet, he never solidified it (i.e., okay, how about Thursday, or Saturday, or Sunday?). Instead, you are left with a wishy washy, "sometime" just hanging out there. You are now pursuing him.
My major pet peeve are wishy-washy people. The fact that he asked you out twice and hasn't set a time/place would be a huge turnoff for me if I was a girl.
Guys do this ALL the time. It gets SO OLD. Most men have ZERO follow-up. Seriously.
I think part of the problem IS the internet... before there wasn't the "next hottest chick" on a dating site.... but I've never met anything worth writing home about on sites like that either. It's like those websites are made for people with ADD....0 -
If I recall correctly many people excoriated DM for suggesting that a guy should try to give off the impression that he was well occupied most weekends whether true or not.
Personally I think it's silly game playing (for either gender) to pretend to be busy when they are not. I don't get how acting as though you are super busy helps attract someone. Isn't the ideal to find someone with balance, meaning they have both their own social life and time to include a partner when they find one?
This is what I was trying to get at in the coupon thread, impressing with bs.... but instead I turned into the coupon guy I guess, lol. Here is to two for ones :drinker:
Hey! Anyone seen 'coupon guy' today??? :laugh: :laugh:
checking in :blushing:
Man I'm bored today, going for the peeps posting record!!
Aint you got any facilities to manage?? You have the cushiest job known to any coupon man in the USA!!
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See I think having those kinds of standards are limiting yourself. She has put this guy on the spot and will find out if he was really interested or not, instead of waiting two more weeks or having to come in here and get all of our assumptions on every matter pertaining to him.
I totally disagree that it's gameplaying to expect that a man who is interested will ask you out on a date. I personally don't want to have to "put [a] guy on the spot" to find out if he is interested in me. By not asking me out, I assume he is not interested in me, and don't worry about anything pertaining to him in that regard. I don't believe in imaginary relationships.Now he can have no second thoughts to the fact that she is interested in going out on a date.
She's clearly told him twice that she's interested. Does he need a written invitation?
With regard to being busy or portraying the illusion of being busy...in the early stages of dating, I personally find last minute dates insulting. It's as if he couldn't find anything better to do, so at the last minute tried to set something up with me. In my experience, men who are really interested and want to see you simply don't do that. They make sure they get a spot on your calendar. It's much more enjoyable and wonderful (which is how it should be when you first meet someone) when he cares enough to ask far enough in advance to make sure you don't already have plans, and to ensure that he is able to see you. Maybe I'm just different in that I usually have my weekend planned by Wednesday or Thursday, so if a guy asks me out on Friday for Saturday, I have to turn him down because I already have plans. Obviously this becomes much more lax when you are in a relationship, but it goes to putting your best foot forward in the beginning.0 -
See I think having those kinds of standards are limiting yourself. She has put this guy on the spot and will find out if he was really interested or not, instead of waiting two more weeks or having to come in here and get all of our assumptions on every matter pertaining to him.
I totally disagree that it's gameplaying to expect that a man who is interested will ask you out on a date. I personally don't want to have to "put [a] guy on the spot" to find out if he is interested in me. By not asking me out, I assume he is not interested in me, and don't worry about anything pertaining to him in that regard. I don't believe in imaginary relationships.Now he can have no second thoughts to the fact that she is interested in going out on a date.
She's clearly told him twice that she's interested. Does he need a written invitation?
With regard to being busy or portraying the illusion of being busy...in the early stages of dating, I personally find last minute dates insulting. It's as if he couldn't find anything better to do, so at the last minute tried to set something up with me. In my experience, men who are really interested and want to see you simply don't do that. They make sure they get a spot on your calendar. It's much more enjoyable and wonderful (which is how it should be when you first meet someone) when he cares enough to ask far enough in advance to make sure you don't already have plans, and to ensure that he is able to see you. Maybe I'm just different in that I usually have my weekend planned by Wednesday or Thursday, so if a guy asks me out on Friday for Saturday, I have to turn him down because I already have plans. Obviously this becomes much more lax when you are in a relationship, but it goes to putting your best foot forward in the beginning.
I think all these points are negated by the fact that she wants to go out with him this weekend... In an ideal world it would be great if this guy just booked something on the spot, but he didn't, and that didn't change the OP's opinion of him. She wants to go out with him this weekend and by cutting the red tape of her ideal way of getting the date, she has a better chance of getting that drink with him this weekend.
How would the world work if us guys felt we should be the ones getting asked out and feeling special?? These old ways of dating need to be taken more liberally and opportunities need to be seized. It's to easy to just say on to the next for obvious reasons of nut jobs and losers. I don't think tossing a guy aside for not asking you out the way your grandfather asked your grandmother is an optimal way of getting what you want.0 -
If I recall correctly many people excoriated DM for suggesting that a guy should try to give off the impression that he was well occupied most weekends whether true or not.
What does excoriated mean?? :laugh:
I never agreed with DM on that one. That's just utter BS! I dont get you guys that are always busy. How do have room in your life for someone else then? :huh:
"Torn a new one"
I don`t either but noticed the irony of ladies suggesting it too.
It's only irony if the same girls that excoriated him last time are the ones encouraging her to act busy today, and vice versa.
Okay, which one of you is the hypocrite?0 -
It's only irony if the same girls that excoriated him last time are the ones encouraging her to act busy today, and vice versa.
Okay, which one of you is the hypocrite?
I wasn`t accusing anyone of being a hypocrite,just that the condemnation when DM said it was pretty universal.
While I know that we are all individuals etc I honestly never thought I would see ladies saying the same.0 -
this is why i posted the "apathy" thread.
this past weekend i was supposed to have a first date on friday night. we didn't firm up a time, but we had a location. then he changed it, wanted me to come to his place.....uh uh, not a first date, but he ended up conceding.
well, he never confirmed on thurs or fri. though he did text me thurs night. friday i went about my day and went about my biz as usual. 530!! friday night he TEXTS me. not to confirm, but to ask me what i was doing. and then does this " :-(" that he had no plans either. WHAT!!!!! of course i reminded him that we were supposed to have had plans and when he was like " well yeah, i'm still game if you are." i turned him down. i was annoyed. his words and actions were not matching.
he said he'd call and he never did friday night, but then texted me twice more that night and once on saturday. was i expecting too much of him? maybe. i don't really know. what i do know, is that i was apathetic. i really had wanted to meet him. i was very attracted to him, visually. but, i was turned off by the lack of follow through, thus the apathy....... i was wanting it to go my way. should i have been more flexible? honestly, i really don't know.
i am kinda hoping this apathy ends soon......How would the world work if us guys felt we should be the ones getting asked out and feeling special?? These old ways of dating need to be taken more liberally and opportunities need to be seized. It's to easy to just say on to the next for obvious reasons of nut jobs and losers. I don't think tossing a guy aside for not asking you out the way your grandfather asked your grandmother is an optimal way of getting what you want.0 -
I think all these points are negated by the fact that she wants to go out with him this weekend... In an ideal world it would be great if this guy just booked something on the spot, but he didn't, and that didn't change the OP's opinion of him. She wants to go out with him this weekend and by cutting the red tape of her ideal way of getting the date, she has a better chance of getting that drink with him this weekend.
And that's fine, and maybe they will go out this weekend. But then what? If he hasn't asked her out yet -- after not one, but TWO clear invitations to do so -- his feelings might just be lukewarm toward her. Of course, maybe going out will change that. Maybe it won't. Maybe her feelings for him will become more intense. Who knows? I personally don't find this to be an ideal way to get a date, to use your words. However, obviously I'm in the minority.How would the world work if us guys felt we should be the ones getting asked out and feeling special??
So are you saying that men don't expect to get asked out? Isn't that exactly what I'm saying, that the man will ask the woman out if he is interested? What about you -- do you ask women out when you are interested in them or do you sit back and wait for them to ask you out?These old ways of dating need to be taken more liberally and opportunities need to be seized.
Anyone can seize what they want and pursue how they want. For me, personally, the better relationships -- for me -- have been relationships where the man pursued me. There was much less wondering, lack of communication, grief, heartache, and questioning of how he felt about me. I found that when I initiated and pursued, the man had a more apathetic attitude about both me and the relationship. Just my experience, so I don't do it anymore, and have had much better -- and much less stressful -- results.0 -
Well, I have an update.
He said, I will have to let you know, it is my off weekend and it is packed so far.
Of course I immediately felt horrible for sending the message. I told him to have a nice weekend and felt funny for sending the message to begin with.
He responded that asking why would I say that?? he only gets every 5th or 6th weekend off (he is a prison guard at maximum security facility) and his daughter has a dance tonight and was taking her to a movie tomorrow.
Told you all, I suck at this.0 -
this is why i posted the "apathy" thread.
this past weekend i was supposed to have a first date on friday night. we didn't firm up a time, but we had a location. then he changed it, wanted me to come to his place.....uh uh, not a first date, but he ended up conceding.
well, he never confirmed on thurs or fri. though he did text me thurs night. friday i went about my day and went about my biz as usual. 530!! friday night he TEXTS me. not to confirm, but to ask me what i was doing. and then does this " :-(" that he had no plans either. WHAT!!!!! of course i reminded him that we were supposed to have had plans and when he was like " well yeah, i'm still game if you are." i turned him down. i was annoyed. his words and actions were not matching.
he said he'd call and he never did friday night, but then texted me twice more that night and once on saturday. was i expecting too much of him? maybe. i don't really know. what i do know, is that i was apathetic. i really had wanted to meet him. i was very attracted to him, visually. but, i was turned off by the lack of follow through, thus the apathy....... i was wanting it to go my way. should i have been more flexible? honestly, i really don't know.
i am kinda hoping this apathy ends soon......
Oh my God, I'm annoyed on your behalf. The texting annoys me. (Why in the hell doesn't anybody call anymore?) Him thinking you might go to his place on a first date annoys me. His lack of follow through annoys me. I think you did the right thing. He never confirmed -- and how hard would it have been to do that? You had a day and location, all you needed was a time for God's sakes! Ugh.0
This discussion has been closed.