I'm terrified of men.

Laura_Suzie

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my social issues, as well as my issues with self-esteem and confidence. I've been more cognisant of myself in public and social situations. I've noticed my body language is very closed off and avoid eye contact with men. I also have been trying to tap into my emotions. And I notice I get really nervous and parnoid and feel like everyone is staring at me. I have no reason to not be confident. I enjoy dressing up and looking nice and everyone tells me how pretty I am, but I just feel like there might be something at the root of feelings of anxiety and I'm worry it will affect my dating life.

It's not that I hate men. I'm sexually attracted to men and I long for a relationship, but at the same time, men make me nervous and I'm scared of them and I've been like that since a very young age. When I was a toddler, my mom had to request that none of the male workers in the daycare come near me because I would freak out. In high school, I had a male tutor for math and would have a panic attack before he would come over because I dreaded being alone with him. My father isn't abusive and, as far as I know, I've never been sexually assaulted in anyway. I really don't know what the source of this anxiety is.

Has anyone else dealt with social anxiety? Have any of you ladies dealt specially with fearing men? How did it affect your dating life and relationships?

God I have issues... haha. At least I'm becoming more aware of them...

castadiva

Eek, this is a difficult one. Firstly, I have to point out that we're all here to be supportive and try to help, but if this is something deep-rooted, you're probably going to be better-off seeing (and following the advice of) someone who deals with this sort of thing professionally.

I can empathise a little - particularly in my teens I was very anxious about spending time with men, to the extent that I gave up ballet (which I loved) after ten years of lessons, because a boy was going to join our class. In my case, I think this sprang mostly from extreme self-consciousness, and an associated fear of rejection, and perhaps a somewhat precocious awareness of sex and sexuality. Ironically, my interest in these areas developed very young -well before puberty - mostly from my reading material. I also suspect that being raised by a mother who is very conservative in terms of sexual behaviour probably made me more self-conscious than I might otherwise have been, in any situation that had any sort of sexual potential, either real or imagined. I don't know much about Mormonism, but I believe it to be conservative in these matters also. How much platonic/non-romantic interaction do you have with the men in your community, other than your family, on a regular basis? I went to an all-girls school, so it took a long time (well into my college career) to become acclimated to a constant male presence, and to become comfortable interacting with the men and boys around me on a casual, comfortable basis. Once I reached that stage, I found myself more inclined to make eye-contact, and to have less closed-off body language, though I still have to check myself at times when I am less comfortable (often when I meet new people in a situation I'm not entirely comfortable with).

I remember from one of your posts that your father wanted you to stay away from the young men of your current community, because he knew too much about their non-approved activities. Do you think that this (and presumably this sort of message has been coming through since puberty or thereabouts) has made you more defensive? Are you subconsciously protecting yourself against these boys/men of whom your father does not approve, because you have been taught to fear their intentions/behaviour? From my own experience, I was allowed (or thrust into) a lot of independence very young, and along with that came a lot of warnings to be very careful about men. As a young teen, I think in many ways this translated in my head into viewing every male with suspicion. Again, in my case, it was only once I became comfortable with a male presence, and relaxed into friendship with several male acquaintances that I was able to relax more in general. I still tend not to make eye-contact with random men walking down the street, and I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing, but in a 'safe'/controlled environment, I have no trouble doing so. It's something to think about.

The self-consciousness is difficult to overcome, but it can be done. The thing I've found most helpful is realising just how much time I spend thinking about myself and my reactions to things on a day-to-day basis, and figuring out that most other people are probably similar, and more likely to be thinking of themselves/their issues than about me at any given point. However, given what you say about your reactions as a toddler, I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to speak to someone more professional. Young kids don't usually have the same sort of hangups and developed ideas that adults and older children do, so your childhood reaction is probably less easy to ascribe to these factors., though it may simply be that a child raised by primarily female caregivers is less accustomed to males, and finds the extra height and lower voices scary, or associates them with something scary seen on TV or read in a book - there's not necessarily a sinister cause.

Big hugs for you - I know dealing with social anxiety and the associated factors isn't easy. Perhaps even less so if you're an accomplished actress - it's easy to put up a credible front that will fool most, or everyone, around you, which somewhat removes the motivation for tackling the much less easy task of dealing with the root causes.

kerrymh

Hey Laura, its really mature of you to be figuring these things out at your age now..I would really suggest seeking professional help..only because I don't know what to say to help out.

I can see that I never used to be comfortable with men I was attracted to, I was and still am more closed off, shy awkward when I'm intensely physically attracted to a man...stupid eh? (still probably the fat girl inside my head trying to beat the rejection) But as for men in general..I'm ok I have an amazing dad who let me cry on his shoulder this weekend about my lack of love life lol, I have 2 brothers that I grew up with we are very close in age and I was used to their friends being around growing up and there was never an issue. And I have a big extended family, so I feel comfortable socially I guess with men. I tend to become introverted and very quiet when I'm feeling blue..but that is with everyone, men and women.

shammxo

It is REALLY good that you're recognizing this!
I don't have social issues specifically about men, but I do suffer from social anxiety. I'll go through periods of time where I'm not even able to leave my house without having a panic attack. I'd know consciously that nobody was staring at me, but I couldn't help but feel on some level like they were. I still have this happen sometimes, but the big picture gets better.

With anxiety, the best route to go really is talking to a professional. Because then you're better able to identify specifically what triggers an attack. When I was in Middle School, I had to go see a psychologist for this because I wasn't even able to go to school. Leaving my room was even becoming difficult. A lot of my friendships suffered because of it. So I ended up in a group therapy situation where we did a lot of "role playing" (which might be fun for you, since you're an actress!) and they'd put us in different "situations" based on what we were uncomfortable with. It helped A LOT. Slowly, of course. I'm not saying that this specific course of "treatment" would be your best option, but I think that some form of therapy will help WAY more than medication. I'm definitely not a doctor... But I also know what a lot of the time depression and anxiety are comorbid, and when I got a better handle on my depression, my anxiety was helped as well. Of course it could be the other way around... Anxiety causing depression. Sorry, I'm rambling.

I hope you can figure out what is truly going on, and that you can find a way to work through it. *hugs*

lacroyx

Hey Laura, its really mature of you to be figuring these things out at your age now..I would really suggest seeking professional help..only because I don't know what to say to help out.

I can see that I never used to be comfortable with men I was attracted to, I was and still am more closed off, shy awkward when I'm intensely physically attracted to a man...stupid eh? (still probably the fat girl inside my head trying to beat the rejection) But as for men in general..I'm ok I have an amazing dad who let me cry on his shoulder this weekend about my lack of love life lol, I have 2 brothers that I grew up with we are very close in age and I was used to their friends being around growing up and there was never an issue. And I have a big extended family, so I feel comfortable socially I guess with men. I tend to become introverted and very quiet when I'm feeling blue..but that is with everyone, men and women.

I'm the same way, Just switch out men with women. I strongly agree with everyone's advice here about seeking help. It's good you are recognizing this very early in your adulthood. I hope you can get things worked out. :flowerforyou:

DMZ_1

I also suggest seeking professional help now. Addressing the problems now is always better than later. You're 18 and you're lucky that right now, you still have the opportunity to shape your dating future the way you want. After a certain point, this gets much more difficult.

You wrote this in a way that makes me think that this has been an ongoing problem, and I'm surprised that your parents did not have this addressed years ago.

Best wishes in resolving this! You should, because this will making your dating life much easier.

Prahasaurus

With anxiety, the best route to go really is talking to a professional. Because then you're better able to identify specifically what triggers an attack. When I was in Middle School, I had to go see a psychologist for this because I wasn't even able to go to school. Leaving my room was even becoming difficult. A lot of my friendships suffered because of it. So I ended up in a group therapy situation where we did a lot of "role playing" (which might be fun for you, since you're an actress!) and they'd put us in different "situations" based on what we were uncomfortable with. It helped A LOT. Slowly, of course. I'm not saying that this specific course of "treatment" would be your best option, but I think that some form of therapy will help WAY more than medication. I'm definitely not a doctor... But I also know what a lot of the time depression and anxiety are comorbid, and when I got a better handle on my depression, my anxiety was helped as well. Of course it could be the other way around... Anxiety causing depression. Sorry, I'm rambling.

I hope you can figure out what is truly going on, and that you can find a way to work through it. *hugs*

This strikes me as really good advice.

Some issues are fine to discuss on a message board. Others, however, really do require professional help. And by professional, I mean a qualified psychologist. Someone with an actual degree in this field from an accredited university, with relevant experience assisting others. And while this is not a common problem, I'm sure it effects many women (and men), and hence there is a lot of research around how to help. The role playing model sounds fantastic. But again, let a qualified psychologist help you.

Good luck!!

--P

Carl01

Strongly agree with everyone in that you should seek some professional help.
Also have you discussed this with your parents as they should be aware that you recognize the issue.

This goes beyond dating or relationships,your entire adult life will have interactions with men whether it be a job or a lender,salesperson etc.

DMZ_1

This goes beyond dating or relationships,your entire adult life will have interactions with men whether it be a job or a lender,salesperson etc.

Yes, agree. This is even more true in acting. Parts for young females are known to be sexual in nature. You won't get cast in the next variation of Gossip Girl with the way you interact with men.

pa_jorg

Yes, agree. This is even more true in acting. Parts for young females are known to be sexual in nature. You won't get cast in the next variation of Gossip Girl with the way you interact with men.

Hmmmm, is someone a closeted Gossip Girl fan? :laugh:

DMZ_1

Yes, agree. This is even more true in acting. Parts for young females are known to be sexual in nature. You won't get cast in the next variation of Gossip Girl with the way you interact with men.

Hmmmm, is someone a closeted Gossip Girl fan? :laugh:

Someone is not. :laugh:

AnnaPixie

Men are about as scary as this: :bigsmile:

TheKitsune6

Yes, agree. This is even more true in acting. Parts for young females are known to be sexual in nature. You won't get cast in the next variation of Gossip Girl with the way you interact with men.

Hmmmm, is someone a closeted Gossip Girl fan? :laugh:

Someone is not. :laugh:

I can't remember, is Gossip Girl that not-really-reality-show-reality-show, or that one unrealistic-teenage-drama-where-everyone-cheats-on-everyone?

I know it doesn't really narrow it down...

dbrightwell1270

Men are about as scary as this: :bigsmile:

I bet that dog isn't really sleeping and has really big sharp teeth.

MaraDiaz

I'm the same way, only it's with everyone. Men, women, grannies, children, doesn't matter. I'm painfully shy and always have been. Runs in my family in a big way, especially among the women. I was never sexually abused, beaten, or locked in a dark closet, I'm just not comfortable around people.

Pretty much all my life when I've wanted to meet someone I forced myself to be social. Some of my family used alcohol as a crutch and I have to say, it's easier with a couple of drinks in me to smile, make eye contact, chit chat, all that stuff. But it's never easy. Even so, I've managed to meet more than a few men in my life and dated quite a number, too. You can, too, it just takes a lot of effort.

AnnaPixie

Men are about as scary as this: :bigsmile:

I bet that dog isn't really sleeping and has really big sharp teeth.

yes David, you cute little puppy you, biting all those girls ankles......awwww!! :laugh: