The question of validation.

castadiva

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20219349 - This is worth a read, I think. More philosophical than the title suggests.

" I don't believe the single person has a sceptical or reductive notion of love but suspect, rather, that they might be compelled by an even higher, almost unrealisable, conception of it."

An interesting thought - are we single because we refuse, as so often advocated by many social commentators and dating 'experts', to 'settle' for something that does not match either our needs, our ideals, or some combination of the two?

flimflamfloz

" I don't believe the single person has a sceptical or reductive notion of love but suspect, rather, that they might be compelled by an even higher, almost unrealisable, conception of it."

An interesting thought - are we single because we refuse, as so often advocated by many social commentators and dating 'experts', to 'settle' for something that does not match either our needs, our ideals, or some combination of the two?

I would reply this: don't worry, initially your imagination will fill the numerous holes in the partner's personality and so your partner will be ideal, at least for those bits of them you don't know about yet.
As for the bits you know about, then you can judge whether or not they are satisfying and fit your ideal.

It is nonsensical to believe that the first time you see someone you will know them in depth and know every single aspect of their personality, of who they are.
People you meet are in fact going to be more ideal initially and as you gradually get to know them become less ideal (but you will be more acquainted to them because you will know them more).


Keep in mind that being in a relationship is being only a breakup away from being single.
It's just discovering - late - that after all this particular partner didn't match your ideals enough.


"Laura Kipnis, in Against Love, has a chapter called Domestic Gulag, and the prison rules a couple must follow:

You can't leave the house without saying where you are going
You can't not say what time you will return
You can't leave the bathroom door open - it's offensive
You can't leave the bathroom door closed
You can't have secrets
Nine and half pages later, Kipnis concludes: "The specifics don't matter. What matters is the operative word, can't. Thus is love obtained.""
Yep, but it is normal to give up something for a benefit. "Love" comes at a cost, so does "singlehood". Nothing is free, so that doesn't seem abnormal to me.
The simple fact of living in society (and benefiting from it) is a series of can't: "you can't kill that man", "you can't steal that object", etc. For singles, "you can't cry on someone's shoulder", "you can't get a hug", "you can't know that someone somewhere cares about you"...
So Love is as punitive (or not rather) as singlehood and living in a society is...
You just make a pick depending on the punishment you are ready to endure for the benefit you want.


"In the world through which we move, increasingly, we do not expect our relationships to endure. Increasingly, our relative affluence and advances in new technology allow us to live comfortably alone.
Increasingly, this is what we seem to be doing: we are choosing to live alone. We need stories not about how to become couples. They are legion. We need stories about how to be single, and how to be kept amazed and awake by a joy of our own manufacture."
Well, it's about time the author noticed that more and more people are choosing to live alone.
That said you can "live alone" and "be in a relationship", the two are perfectly compatible for two adults earning money. I probably am a loner at heart, so this has always been my preferred solution.

Jennifer2387

I didn't read the article .. but I think that in the past the thing to do was to get married and have a family. Man works, woman takes care of the house and kids. As women have evolved into an equal (cough) role with the man .. ie.. working and taking care of the house and the kids .. they are seeing the benefit of marriage does not outweigh being single. I think that the man is slowly evolving as each generation goes through into being more of a partner instead of being head of the household.

Women aren't looking to "just get married" anymore. They want to find someone that is their equal and they aren't going to settle. In the past you were called a spinster if you didn't get married before 25.

Edit .. I just read it and it pretty much is what I was thinking it was. I don't know that I agree with the whole we go into a relationship thinking it won't endure. Why bother going into a relationship at all if you aren't thinking it is going to last. meh.

On another note .. I am tired of worrying about men and what they think. pffft.

castadiva

I should maybe point out that the author is male...

AnnaPixie

Not got time to read the article right now, but will later.

But I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I'd say I'm single because I've not met a man that measures up to my ideals. Well, I met one, but he didnt reciprocate :sad: .

In fact, my sister accused me of this yesterday. And I agreed with her.

The question is, at what point do you start to accept that this idealistic person doesn't exist and move into settledom? And what exactly are we supposed to settle on? I mean, I could still be with my abusive partner, and wake up to torade of expletives, if setting were the case! On the whole, he's a lovely guy - everyone loves him - but do I want to live my life with that kind of discord? The answer is firmly, NO!

For me it becomes harder to settle when you've been through some kind of abuse. And easier to be alone!! :flowerforyou:

AnnaPixie

Not got time to read the article right now, but will later.

But I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I'd say I'm single because I've not met a man that measures up to my ideals. Well, I met one, but he didnt reciprocate :sad: .

In fact, my sister accused me of this yesterday. And I agreed with her.

The question is, at what point do you start to accept that this idealistic person doesn't exist and move into settledom? And what exactly are we supposed to settle on? I mean, I could still be with my abusive partner, and wake up to torade of expletives, if setting were the case! On the whole, he's a lovely guy - everyone loves him - but do I want to live my life with that kind of discord? The answer is firmly, NO!

For me it becomes harder to settle when you've been through some kind of abuse/unhappiness/misery. And easier to be alone!! :flowerforyou:

flimflamfloz

Not got time to read the article right now, but will later.

But I've been thinking a lot about this recently and I'd say I'm single because I've not met a man that measures up to my ideals. Well, I met one, but he didnt reciprocate :sad: .

In fact, my sister accused me of this yesterday. And I agreed with her.

The question is, at what point do you start to accept that this idealistic person doesn't exist and move into settledom? And what exactly are we supposed to settle on? I mean, I could still be with my abusive partner, and wake up to torade of expletives, if setting were the case! On the whole, he's a lovely guy - everyone loves him - but do I want to live my life with that kind of discord? The answer is firmly, NO!

For me it becomes harder to settle when you've been through some kind of abuse/unhappiness/misery. And easier to be alone!! :flowerforyou:

Alright! We get it!!!!! Don't post twice! :laugh: JK.

Yeah. I would actually never advise someone to "settle" if they have realistic expectations, that would be going below acceptable standards (decent looking guy, decent behaviour, respectful).

I think in large cities, such as London, there is a sufficient concentration and variety of people overall to at least meet a few interesting people.
Though clearly meeting those people requires you to move off your comfort zone (i.e. go out without your usual bunch of friends at places where you are likely to meet new people and... talk to these people) and also to feel good about yourself and bear yourself with pride (i.e. be happy about your life generally speaking and be conscious about your self worth and shortcomings).
It can be a bit of work, but as long as you are doing this while doing something you enjoy too, it shouldn't be too painful (thus why I'm a proponent of meetup, sports, gigs, bars rather than dating websites). If you go out and enjoy your night, it's not that hard to smile to that girl or guy and chat to them - in a friendly way at the very least.

I've heard the word "ideal" plenty of times here, I must say I don't understand what it means and what it entails. I'm going to start a topic about this in fact.

will010574

I have only recently had people ask me why am I single... whether it be flattery as in I cant believe you are single or as in the case of one of my brothers, a no kidding question of why are you not seeing anyone. Either way the question doesnt bother me, maybe because as a man I rarely get this question.

Regardless, I am not embarassed to be single nor do I care that at dinner parties it is hard for the host/hostess to make things even because I am not coupled up. Im happy being single, and I think it took the author of the articleway too long to realize, hey its okay to be single.

farmers_daughter

I have only recently had people ask me why am I single... whether it be flattery as in I cant believe you are single or as in the case of one of my brothers, a no kidding question of why are you not seeing anyone. Either way the question doesnt bother me, maybe because as a man I rarely get this question.

Regardless, I am not embarassed to be single nor do I care that at dinner parties it is hard for the host/hostess to make things even because I am not coupled up. Im happy being single, and I think it took the author of the articleway too long to realize, hey its okay to be single.

Please share some of your brain with me, specifically the part that says "hey it's okay to be single" :bigsmile:

I've said it before "settling" means very different things to people
What one person says another is settling on, the other does not believe and vice versa.

meshashesha2012

Perhaps single people secretly wish to reclaim an original state of being, somehow sense that we do not need to be completed by another, somehow sense that we are able to complete ourselves. The single person might just be too self-possessed.

this is me. i have no empty voids to be filled nor do i want to help fill someone else's. sure it would be nice to be with a like minded man, but i'm not willing to be with just anyone for the sake of being with someone. i'm pretty happy with my life and anyone i'd add to my life would need to add to that general contentedness rather than take away from it.

i do have people ask me why i'm single because i'm reasonably attractive, i'm outgoing and bubbly and i dont have any baggage from past relationships. the people who ask usually just come to their own conclusion that i'm picky :laugh: i'm ok with being called picky. i'd rather do my thing while i wait for something i really want than to just take something i dont want for the sake of having it.