Did something new, now need advice
disneywm76
Posts: 573 Member
Well, I finally got the courage up to say something to the hot swim instructor. It didn’t quite go as I’d hoped…here’s what happened. Last Saturday, I left a note for him telling him that I was interested in getting to know him better and to call me so we could have coffee or a drink sometime. I had a workshop this past weekend, and was not able to go to my kids’ swim lessons. He cornered my ex husband and told him that all swim lessons had to go through the school and he couldn’t do anything outside like that. No problem…didn’t want private lessons, although that would be nice. 
Anyhow, from what the ex told me, swim guy thinks that the ex and I are still married. What would you guys do/say? Ex husband was caught off guard and didn’t play the wingman part very well. Lol. Ideas/suggestions….anything??
Anyhow, from what the ex told me, swim guy thinks that the ex and I are still married. What would you guys do/say? Ex husband was caught off guard and didn’t play the wingman part very well. Lol. Ideas/suggestions….anything??
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Replies
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It seems to me that you were not strong enough in your ask out. Why on Earth did he get the impression of private swim lessons?
It would have been stronger if you asked verbally in person. Intentions may have been more clear.
You can easily prove your divorce to swim instructor should it be asked. Not hard to fetch up the official final dissolution paperwork.0 -
Time for strategy. No more notes. No more c*ck blocking ex-husband to get in the way and don't tell him about this either, if you haven't already.
Do you have the sense in any way that hot swim instructor is interested in you? Do you ever get to see him fully clothed to have a conversation with? Is there anything there, or is he just really, really hot?
I can't get on board with asking out a guy myself, personally, but I am all for lots of flirting to see if there is potential to go further.
If you get a private moment alone and are feeling confident, bring up the note perhaps and just say that you left it for him not for private lessons, but that you were wondering if he'd like to grab a coffee with you sometime. If he brings up your ex or questions it, you can clarify later for him. You already jumped in.. might as well be super flirty, fun, confident at this point and see how it goes!0 -
He's not interested. I think he was trying to save face for both of you by pretending to think you wanted private swim lessons. Sorry honey, but it would just be awkward for both of you if you continued to pursue it after he turned down the offer for coffee. I do agree, next time say it to his face, but this one is a dead end.0
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You know what... I TOTALLY take it back. Kitsune.. I agree 100%.0
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He's not interested. I think he was trying to save face for both of you by pretending to think you wanted private swim lessons. Sorry honey, but it would just be awkward for both of you if you continued to pursue it after he turned down the offer for coffee. I do agree, next time say it to his face, but this one is a dead end.
Kits, I apprecaite the honesty. Not what I wanted to hear obviously, but I knew it was the most likely scenario. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to save face when I walk in there Saturday.0 -
He's not interested. I think he was trying to save face for both of you by pretending to think you wanted private swim lessons. Sorry honey, but it would just be awkward for both of you if you continued to pursue it after he turned down the offer for coffee. I do agree, next time say it to his face, but this one is a dead end.
Kits, I apprecaite the honesty. Not what I wanted to hear obviously, but I knew it was the most likely scenario. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to save face when I walk in there Saturday.
It'll only be as weird as you let it. Just force yourself to act normal and he'll do the same. I doubt he wants it to get all strange any more than you do. Eventually it'll be natural again. You'll be fine! :flowerforyou:0 -
He's not interested. I think he was trying to save face for both of you by pretending to think you wanted private swim lessons. Sorry honey, but it would just be awkward for both of you if you continued to pursue it after he turned down the offer for coffee. I do agree, next time say it to his face, but this one is a dead end.
Kits, I apprecaite the honesty. Not what I wanted to hear obviously, but I knew it was the most likely scenario. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to save face when I walk in there Saturday.
I would agree with the idea that it is a dead end.
No need to worry about saving face. Just pretend that nothing happened. This was probably so insignificant to the swim instructor that he forgot about it. There was this time that I went out once with this girl and it wasn't good. I didn't pick the venue well enough and she also showed up with greasy, stringy hair. But then like 8 months later, she joins one of the Meetup groups that I'm in and attends a event. I pretended like we'd never met before & I'm pretty sure she forgot too.0 -
Two options:
1.
Walk in Saturday and be all like "Oh hey...did you get my note I left?" and if he gives you the same answer he gave the ex, politely tell him "Oh that's not what I meant, but not a problem," smile and walk away.
2.
Pretend nothing happened and hope that the lightbulb goes off in his head.... or just be thankful that if he can't figure out you and the ex are just that....maybe you were lucky not to bag him.
Just consider him nice eye candy you don't need bionoculars for.:blushing:
Edit: Oh yeah how rude of me. PS: YOU TOTALLY FREAKIN ROCK FOR BUSTIN' A MOVE CHICA! KUDOS TO YOU! (((Carl, I need a fist bump emoticon here. ))) 0 -
Edit: Oh yeah how rude of me. PS: YOU TOTALLY FREAKIN ROCK FOR BUSTIN' A MOVE CHICA! KUDOS TO YOU! (((Carl, I need a fist bump emoticon here. )))
I'll help out in his absence!
By the way, I totally agree. Awesome that you went for it!0 -
Edit: Oh yeah how rude of me. PS: YOU TOTALLY FREAKIN ROCK FOR BUSTIN' A MOVE CHICA! KUDOS TO YOU! (((Carl, I need a fist bump emoticon here. )))
I'll help out in his absence!
By the way, I totally agree. Awesome that you went for it!
Woooo! Thank you!!!0 -
Thanks!! It was nerve wracking....I was all shaky. Lol. I think I'll just play it off as if nothing happened unless he says something. If he does, I'll take farmers advice. :flowerforyou: :drinker:0
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In my view, he either thinks you're still married (fair enough), maybe he thinks you're interested and he knows he isn't (fine - you're the one taking the blow, not him) or maybe he just is oblivious (yeah guys can be sometimes you know).
That's 3 possibilities, and with the elements we have, I am unsure why other people think he isn't interested.
I would assume a sporty guy, with visibility and lots of parents dropping children (yeah I'm talking about him here) has more opportunities than your average guy, so he must be used to blowing women off.
I'm unsure why people think he would be all shy about doing it.
A guy with a huge dating pool should respond at the very least "Well thank you, that's very flattering. I'm just not interested, I'm seeing someone at the moment..." and he shouldn't feel uncomfortable about doing so.
The strategy others mentioned seems so complex to just avoid the "pain" of saying what I've just written above that it's a bit ridiculous IMHO (although, it is still a possibility).
I would approach the guy laughing my goofiness off for being "not really that great at dating (as I suspected I was)" and "trying new strategies a bit unsuccessfully with him", but that the point of the message was to ask him out.
If you smile and genuinely laugh about the goofiness of the whole story, it should be easy for him to reject you or say "Oooh ok! Didn't get that at all." and tell you if he is interested or not.0 -
It's actually quite funny because when he was telling the ex about not doing the private lessons, he had another instructor there. Almost like he was worried the ex would be kicking his *kitten* for even trying to get a message relayed to me. If he says something, I'll most like just tell him I wasn't interested in private lessons. That it was my akward attempt to ask him out and laugh about it. We'll see what happens on Saturday.0
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In my view, he either thinks you're still married (fair enough), maybe he thinks you're interested and he knows he isn't (fine - you're the one taking the blow, not him) or maybe he just is oblivious (yeah guys can be sometimes you know).
That's 3 possibilities, and with the elements we have, I am unsure why other people think he isn't interested.
I would assume a sporty guy, with visibility and lots of parents dropping children (yeah I'm talking about him here) has more opportunities than your average guy, so he must be used to blowing women off.
I'm unsure why people think he would be all shy about doing it.
A guy with a huge dating pool should respond at the very least "Well thank you, that's very flattering. I'm just not interested, I'm seeing someone at the moment..." and he shouldn't feel uncomfortable about doing so.
The strategy others mentioned seems so complex to just avoid the "pain" of saying what I've just written above that it's a bit ridiculous IMHO (although, it is still a possibility).
I would approach the guy laughing my goofiness off for being "not really that great at dating (as I suspected I was)" and "trying new strategies a bit unsuccessfully with him", but that the point of the message was to ask him out.
If you smile and genuinely laugh about the goofiness of the whole story, it should be easy for him to reject you or say "Oooh ok! Didn't get that at all." and tell you if he is interested or not.
Two things.
1) She left a note asking him out to coffee or a drink. For him to then tell her ex that he doesn't do private swim lessons is him saying "thanks but no thanks.
2) How you think he should respond isn't important, and it isn't about him being shy. He's trying to be tactful and professional - this is his work environment. He might have to deal with this all the time, or he might not, regardless I don't think he handled it "wrong".
That's my thought process anyway.0 -
Hold your head high and smile....that was a huge step out of your comfort zone!
*standing ovation*0 -
It's not what OPs ex (who was standing in front of the instructor) seems to think though.1) She left a note asking him out to coffee or a drink. For him to then tell her ex that he doesn't do private swim lessons is him saying "thanks but no thanks.
So I will be going by that first - but maybe he isn't very good at communication, true...
...assuming he responded with the intent you gave him.2) How you think he should respond isn't important, and it isn't about him being shy. He's trying to be tactful and professional - this is his work environment. He might have to deal with this all the time, or he might not, regardless I don't think he handled it "wrong".
I don't see what is unprofessional about dating someone or refusing politely to date someone without inventing some silly story.
The only thing that would be unprofessional would be to accept to give swimming lessons outside of the swimming pool, which he refused.0 -
In my view, he either thinks you're still married (fair enough), maybe he thinks you're interested and he knows he isn't (fine - you're the one taking the blow, not him) or maybe he just is oblivious (yeah guys can be sometimes you know).
That's 3 possibilities, and with the elements we have, I am unsure why other people think he isn't interested.
I would assume a sporty guy, with visibility and lots of parents dropping children (yeah I'm talking about him here) has more opportunities than your average guy, so he must be used to blowing women off.
I'm unsure why people think he would be all shy about doing it.
A guy with a huge dating pool should respond at the very least "Well thank you, that's very flattering. I'm just not interested, I'm seeing someone at the moment..." and he shouldn't feel uncomfortable about doing so.
The strategy others mentioned seems so complex to just avoid the "pain" of saying what I've just written above that it's a bit ridiculous IMHO (although, it is still a possibility).
I would approach the guy laughing my goofiness off for being "not really that great at dating (as I suspected I was)" and "trying new strategies a bit unsuccessfully with him", but that the point of the message was to ask him out.
If you smile and genuinely laugh about the goofiness of the whole story, it should be easy for him to reject you or say "Oooh ok! Didn't get that at all." and tell you if he is interested or not.
Two things.
1) She left a note asking him out to coffee or a drink. For him to then tell her ex that he doesn't do private swim lessons is him saying "thanks but no thanks.
2) How you think he should respond isn't important, and it isn't about him being shy. He's trying to be tactful and professional - this is his work environment. He might have to deal with this all the time, or he might not, regardless I don't think he handled it "wrong".
That's my thought process anyway.
Agree. It is one thing to say no in an everyday normal situation but I am sure swim instructor doesnt want to lose her business or make her feel awkward and quit swim lessons.
OP, I think your note was clear and swim guy is trying to turn your offer down nicely. Be proud you tried and move on!
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I think the really important question we're all forgetting to ask here is - "what does he look like in his swim shorts?"0
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I wouldn't know. That part of his body is always in the pool.
But what I can see is some nice eye candy. 0 -
I kinda think the instructor is some kind of idiot if he thinks that turning a date invitation into a rebuff for swimming lessons is a 'professional' rejection!! :laugh:
I mean, if a guy did that to me, I'd think he was either stupid or insane :noway:
The note said COFFEE OR DRINKS, right?? It did not mention PRIVATE LESSONS, did it?? I dont see how the two can be confused.
I'm thinking he either didnt get the note, got the note but didnt read it properly, or can't read!! :huh:
I would say something to him on Saturday along the lines of "did you actually READ my note?" And if he says 'yes' then say "well, I'd rather you just say you dont fancy a drink than make up some fantasy scenario to tell me through my ex. I thought you were going a bit crazy ........." :laugh:0 -
I dont see how the two can be confused.
I see how things can be confused. Things often need to be spelled out as explicitly as possible.
Only 7% of meaning comes from words.0 -
I dont see how the two can be confused.
I see how things can be confused. Things often need to be spelled out as explicitly as possible.
Only 7% of meaning comes from words.
So how else would you spell out "would you like to go for coffee/drinks?"
And how on earth could that sentence mean "I'd like private lessons for my children!"
I know you said that only 7% communication is written DM, and I tend to agree that it's easy to misinterpret a lot over the internet, but in this instance I really can't see how the two could be mistaken?0 -
I dont see how the two can be confused.
I see how things can be confused. Things often need to be spelled out as explicitly as possible.
Only 7% of meaning comes from words.
So how else would you spell out "would you like to go for coffee/drinks?"
And how on earth could that sentence mean "I'd like private lessons for my children!"
I know you said that only 7% communication is written DM, and I tend to agree that it's easy to misinterpret a lot over the internet, but in this instance I really can't see how the two could be mistaken?
You guys, I don't think he was confused. If he thinks she and the ex are still together, he was probably trying to let her know that he wasn't interested in being the "other man" without alerting the "husband" as to what was up. He was being tactful, not dumb.0 -
He's not interested. I think he was trying to save face for both of you by pretending to think you wanted private swim lessons. Sorry honey, but it would just be awkward for both of you if you continued to pursue it after he turned down the offer for coffee. I do agree, next time say it to his face, but this one is a dead end.
this.0 -
When you are doing something "illegal", you are trying to leave as few tracks as possible.
So how else would you spell out "would you like to go for coffee/drinks?"
I see how things can be confused. Things often need to be spelled out as explicitly as possible.I dont see how the two can be confused.
Only 7% of meaning comes from words.
And how on earth could that sentence mean "I'd like private lessons for my children!"
I know you said that only 7% communication is written DM, and I tend to agree that it's easy to misinterpret a lot over the internet, but in this instance I really can't see how the two could be mistaken?
If (and I don't know that) asking for private swimming lessons is "illegal" in the sense that it can cost him his job for accepting, then it would be logical from his point of view that someone would approach him indirectly about having swimming lessons - an under the table kind of thing.
That's all I can think of...0 -
I dont see how the two can be confused.
I see how things can be confused. Things often need to be spelled out as explicitly as possible.
Only 7% of meaning comes from words.
So how else would you spell out "would you like to go for coffee/drinks?"
And how on earth could that sentence mean "I'd like private lessons for my children!"
I know you said that only 7% communication is written DM, and I tend to agree that it's easy to misinterpret a lot over the internet, but in this instance I really can't see how the two could be mistaken?
I agree with you completely Anna. My point is that stranger things have happened.0
