Moving on...

castadiva

I had lunch today with a man I would marry in a heartbeat. When we first met, in mid-2009, he and the then-girlfriend had recently broken up, and towards the end of the week we spent together, after a fairly-flirtatious evening, he asked me to go home with him. Without going into details (long story), I thought he was offering to share a taxi until about five minutes too late, when I was in my own taxi, halfway home. This misunderstanding on my part (no-one had ever asked before, so I wasn't expecting the invitation), and the consequent rejection he must have felt, is one of my eternal regrets.

By the time we next spoke, or met, he had re-started things with the ex, and they are now engaged, so the opportunity has never arisen again, nor will do. Since then, we have become wonderful friends, and very close in many ways. He's not someone I want to lose from my life, but I do have to find a way of completely moving on from any lingering romantic attachment, particularly as I'm due to be receiving a 'save the date' card any day now.

Despite widening my social circle several hundred percent, and having a more active social life in the last few years than I've ever had before, I haven't met anyone since who even begins to elicit the same level of interest or attraction. Moving on would be much easier if I had, but in the absence of someone to move on to, does anyone have any other suggestions for getting past this? I'm past the stage of wrath and tears and misery - well-past - but have yet to truly lay the ghost, let go of the last vestiges of hope, and set myself free. Any suggestions for dealing with this would be appreciated.

will010574

only way to do that is to extricate him from your life.

pa_jorg

I don't think going to the wedding will help you. Beyond that, everyone moves at their own pace with healing, but it sounds like you're at least trying to keep yourself busy and active, which is always good.

MikeM53082

As long as you come to the realization that it's never going to be.. then that's a solid start (sounds like you've already done that). He's likely going to marry, have children with, and start a very nice life with this new wife of his.

Keep in mind, we've all been there before. People who we've felt a genuine connection with and yet they appear to slip right between our fingers. I had a similar experience with a girl I dated earlier this year. We dated for a solid month and I thought things were going great and our courtship was going to result in something serious. As it turns out, it just wasn't meant to be. It hurt and took time to recover, but I eventually did. Even though I thought we were close.. we were a million miles away.

This might be more difficult for you because (from reading your post) you rejected him. Though it seemed like an unintentional misunderstanding, he was likely hurt. This one is 100% on your shoulders and you know it. That's why it's so hard to move it.

Best you can do is chalk up a few lessons learned. Maybe don't let one awkward thing someone says on a date completely turn you off. Just try to turn a negative into a positive. :flowerforyou:

flimflamfloz

Despite widening my social circle several hundred percent, and having a more active social life in the last few years than I've ever had before, I haven't met anyone since who even begins to elicit the same level of interest or attraction. Moving on would be much easier if I had, but in the absence of someone to move on to, does anyone have any other suggestions for getting past this?

Clearly you are too focused on this person with who you never had a relationship.
That means that nearly everyone with who you will have a relationship in the future will actually get to know you "better" than him if you get past some specific stages.

You say "I haven't met anyone since who even begins to elicit the same level of interest or attraction".
I believe a lot of it is due to the reciprocated attraction he felt for you. Your guy reciprocated, thus becomes an object of fantasy, and a fixation in times of loneliness, an anchor.
It can be useful to survive to these periods of loneliness, but becomes dangerous when your feelings are trapped and projected only against this person. When this happens, you've closed yourself to other people. You need to open yourself more.

The truth is: you can be attracted to a man with a different set of qualities, you can be attracted to another man with similar qualities. You just need to open yourself and endanger yourself. Yes, take risks.
A new man you will meet is uncertain, unpredictable and unknown, uncomfortable. So you need to build a little comfort zone in this new man. But to do this, first you need to take risks, get out of your comfort zone. Accept that there is a chance you will be fooled, lied to, and that this is going to be uncomfortable and that you're going to feel cold and sad.

There is no way you're going to know someone inside out, just by looking at them. There are nice men out there, but you need to take a risk and go and talk to them to find them. Don't be fooled by appearances and your prejudices, give more people a chance.

You're always going to know your guy more than any new guy you meet, so he will always seem like the more attractive option. This is deceiving, since he is probably the least attainable.

So... Get out there, get hurt, learn. Dilute your feelings into several men. You can't learn without taking any risks.

Jennifer2387

Honestly .. if he is marrying her .. then it probably wouldn't have worked out for you two. It is easy to imagine a fantasy life with someone that you haven't actually dated for a while.

When you think of him in "that way" .. retrain your mind. Stop yourself right then and say .. nope .. not gunna go there and move your mind onto something else. If that doesn't work .. get up and do something that requires your full attention .. clean out a closet, organize a cabinet, mop the floor.

What will make it harder for you is that he is a friend in your life. No point in torturing yourself about him. He is no longer an option, so stop viewing him that way. Definitely stop viewing him as a "I could have had him" or I wish I would have" .. that will only make him SEEM more appealing.

castadiva

This might be more difficult for you because (from reading your post) you rejected him. Though it seemed like an unintentional misunderstanding, he was likely hurt. This one is 100% on your shoulders and you know it. That's why it's so hard to move it.

Yes - I 'friendzoned' him completely, without meaning to at all, and with the opposite desire in mind. I really do hate that I unintentionally 'rejected' him, and have kicked myself for it since - a very atypical 'blonde' moment of complete disconnect! I hadn't thought that this might factor in the difficulty I'm having letting go of the last bits of residual romantic attachment, but I think, now it's been mentioned, that it's probably a big part of it - thanks for pointing this out. :flowerforyou:

You say "I haven't met anyone since who even begins to elicit the same level of interest or attraction".
I believe a lot of it is due to the reciprocated attraction he felt for you. Your guy reciprocated, thus becomes an object of fantasy, and a fixation in times of loneliness, an anchor.

It's a good point, and the reciprocation angle is one I have been aware of - particularly as it was a first for me - having my interest reciprocated - I think the attachment probably grew bigger than it otherwise would have, although I maintain that I'd still marry him in a heartbeat. I'm sure there are others out there who will match up, or perhaps surpass him, as you suggest - I just haven't met any of them, unfortunately!

You're always going to know your guy more than any new guy you meet, so he will always seem like the more attractive option.

A good point, and something to bear in mind - thanks

castadiva

No point in torturing yourself about him. He is no longer an option, so stop viewing him that way. Definitely stop viewing him as a "I could have had him" or I wish I would have" .. that will only make him SEEM more appealing.

Most of the time I don't, anymore. It's the last 5% of the brain that I've still got to tackle - my subconscious really doesn't want to let go!

@pa-jorg - no, the wedding probably won't be my favourite day ever, but I suspect it's unavoidable. At this point, we're close enough that I think he'd probably be quite hurt if I didn't go, and the prospect of my singing has already been mentioned, so... The Great British Stiff Upper Lip will be in evidence!

yoovie

Throw yourself into a fitness obsession!

Prahasaurus

This very much has a ring of Beatrice di Folco Portinari about it...

Having your own unobtainable muse is always nice, especially as an artist. But you're sleeping alone tonight, so it's time to let go of your romantic embellishment of what might have been (and perhaps never could be), and refocus your efforts on finding a real, obtainable, available living and breathing man for you.

Coincidentally, I'm listening to The Smiths now, and I give you the (partial) lyrics of I Know It's Over, without further comment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sQPZ9dD9v8&feature=related

And I know it's over - still I cling
I don't know where else I can go
Over and over and over and over
Over and over, la ...
I know it's over
And it never really began
But in my heart it was so real
And you even spoke to me, and said :
"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."

--P

castadiva

This very much has a ring of Beatrice di Folco Portinari about it...

Having your own unobtainable muse is always nice, especially as an artist. But you're sleeping alone tonight, so it's time to let go of your romantic embellishment of what might have been (and perhaps never could be), and refocus your efforts on finding a real, obtainable, available living and breathing man for you.

Coincidentally, I'm listening to The Smiths now, and I give you the (partial) lyrics of I Know It's Over, without further comment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sQPZ9dD9v8&feature=related

[/quote]

Ha! That makes me Dante, I guess - not too shabby! ;-). Funnily enough, I'm working on a Liszt setting of Dante at the moment :-). The lyrics are apt indeed - it's just figuring out the last of the letting go, and the moving forward that seems to have me stumped.

--P
[/quote]

farmers_daughter

"Good As You Were Bad" by Jana Kramer
My head is poundin'
Too much red wine
I wish I didn't love it like I do
It gets to me every time

I wake up craving
This cigarette
Yeah I know they're no good for me
But I can't put 'em down just yet

I've never been held the way you held me
I've never been hurt the way you hurt me
I could handle this pain, forget your name
If you hadn't loved me like you had
Why'd you have to be as good as you were bad

I wanna hate you
I'm mad as hell
Oh, but a part of me still loves you
And hopes and prays to God you're doin' well

I've never been held the way you held me
And I've never been hurt the way you hurt me
I could handle this pain, forget your name
If you hadn't loved me like you had
Why'd you have to be as good as you were bad

They say you remember the past
Better than it really was
But there was a time when it really was
So good

I could handle this pain, forget your name
If you hadn't loved me like you had
Why'd you have to be as good as you were bad

:sad: Important words here......"They say you remember the past better than it really was" :sad:

You may not have had everything this song says, but you are fantasizing about something that never existed (not meaning your emotions) if I read that correctly. For your own sake it might be best to keep some distance. I can understand, I'd probably go to the wedding but the "friendship" would slowly dwindle away after that until I really had no attachment whatsoever...then a friendship without those "lingering romantic" feelings could occur.

But that's only how I imagine I'd work.

julesboots

only way to do that is to extricate him from your life.

While this might seem a little too elemental- I agree to an extent. I'd put him on the very periphery because otherwise he's the model for comparison, and nobody will compare.

Also, isn't there some kind of guy adage about "eff a hundred to get over one?" Not suggesting that exactly, but I've healed to a degree by engaging (not necessarily physically) with new people. It sounds like you're widening your circle, but could you widen it a little further- even temporarily?

jenbit

only way to do that is to extricate him from your life.

While this might seem a little too elemental- I agree to an extent. I'd put him on the very periphery because otherwise he's the model for comparison, and nobody will compare.

Also, isn't there some kind of guy adage about "eff a hundred to get over one?" Not suggesting that exactly, but I've healed to a degree by engaging (not necessarily physically) with new people. It sounds like you're widening your circle, but could you widen it a little further- even temporarily?

I've always heard the saying as the best way to get over em is to get under someone else (works for girls too)

Danielle_2013

"What if?" ...the question has always tortured me.. particularly when it has seemed like something I could control or simply by rectifying a previous mistake. Trust me..I know well what it is like to long for the unavailable and perfect man I've put up on a pedestal.

If you are anything like me, you might have to make an active choice..and then just follow it. I have had to have conversations and decision making moments about letting people go emotionally and also forgiving others..even when I don't let the other individual know.

There are millions of people out there. You will find a number of them to be compatible with if you choose. There really is no one perfect man..though I know that is what your heart tells you now.
If it helps, I've moved on a few times since and found others that were just as right for me and better.

lacroyx

Throw yourself into a fitness obsession!

110% this! It's helped me cope. Also distance too. She lives in San Diego and I live near Seattle. It took time, a few years but we are good friends now. I go there once a year during the Summer to visit her and friends. She's happy for me and how much I've changed, on the inside and outside too.

AnnaPixie

I dont have another answer. I've yearned for a certain someone for years. And empathise with the 'nobody compares' feeling. :grumble:

But I've had other relationships and sincerely hope that someone will turn up that DOES compare!

Sounds to me like you're nearly over him anyhow. I dont think it's possible to fully eradicate him from your brain until someone else takes up the position tho! :flowerforyou:

Oh, and not having him in your life didnt seem to work for me, so i dont believe that's an answer. But I can make myself think of other things.........if I try really hards :bigsmile:

christine24t

I dont have another answer. I've yearned for a certain someone for years. And empathise with the 'nobody compares' feeling. :grumble:

But I've had other relationships and sincerely hope that someone will turn up that DOES compare!

Sounds to me like you're nearly over him anyhow. I dont think it's possible to fully eradicate him from your brain until someone else takes up the position tho! :flowerforyou:

Oh, and not having him in your life didnt seem to work for me, so i dont believe that's an answer. But I can make myself think of other things.........if I try really hards :bigsmile:

I agree too. There's this one guy that I still really like, even though I know he has no feelings for me whatsoever. I can go months without seeing him,and then if I see him, all of the feelings come back. I haven't met anyone else that makes me feel the same as he did.

We all have regrets. I have regrets with this guy too. I think your best bet is just to try to forget about those regrets and focus your attention on the future. And if you do meet someone else that compares, then you'll know that you've found something awesome. You cannot redo the past, as hard as you'd like to think you can.

RosscoBoscko

Wish I knew the answer because then I could follow the advice as well.

Last year I was in a relationship with the most amazing woman I have ever met, and for 7 months we seemed ridiculously happy and in love, although I had underlying anxiety issues which I didn't admit to myself which in the end ruined things.

She and her eldest daughter spent Christmas day with me and my family and then she split up with me 3 days later, for a number of reasons but said that didn't mean it was forever, mainly was having problems with her daughters, had failed an assignment on her nursing degree and felt like was sliding back to a breakdown she had had in the past, and couldnt carry a relationship as well.

I have had an unbelieveably difficult 10 months since the split where I have been off the rails big style and mentally broke. in the past 10 months she has dated others including a friend of mine for a few months. She has since changed the reason for the split a few times but we finally spoke through things in August, only about 8 months late! Since then our friendship gets stronger and stronger, and she confides in me about many things, and at times is happy to spend time just the two of us, but at others is distant when more people around. I know she will never be mad enough to love me again, but I can't accept the whole cut her out of my life thing partly because she is physio for the rugby team I run and play for, and I play rugby and am friends with her 3 brothers and dad. but she is also someone who is very special to me, and if she can't or won't love me then I still want to be her friend. But that doesn't stop the pain of my feelings for her inside when I know she has no interest in me.

Part of me would love to be able to move on, but I don't accept the "we remember things better than they were" as we were so connected, and I was happier than had ever been, I don't know what changed that but think it was my fault for letting my anxiety push her away. I don't know how to stop loving her, I wish I did but I just hide that away and get on with our friendship, grateful that she even wants that still.

Her best friend realised I still loved her the other day, but have told her I know nothing will happen and my friendship with her is not conditional on that.

But it is hard, I truly believe I will never find anyone else for me. However many people tell you different at the end of the day only you know you're head and heart. I hope for your sake you are able to let go and move on and find happiness, I just don't think I ever will.

I guess if you have enough confidence, you should get out and meet new people and immerse yourself in a busy social life.

Kevster75

Relax.
Trust the path you follow to lead you to happiness.
This story *might* not be over.. stranger things have happened - but lighten up, face reality and get involved with more people, places and past-times - being true to yourself will attract your soulmate...

It isn't easy and does take effort - but the rewards are massively worth it.

Let go and trust..
*Hug*

Kev

Mellie289

I had lunch today with a man I would marry in a heartbeat. When we first met, in mid-2009, he and the then-girlfriend had recently broken up, and towards the end of the week we spent together, after a fairly-flirtatious evening, he asked me to go home with him. Without going into details (long story), I thought he was offering to share a taxi until about five minutes too late, when I was in my own taxi, halfway home. This misunderstanding on my part (no-one had ever asked before, so I wasn't expecting the invitation), and the consequent rejection he must have felt, is one of my eternal regrets.

By the time we next spoke, or met, he had re-started things with the ex, and they are now engaged, so the opportunity has never arisen again, nor will do. Since then, we have become wonderful friends, and very close in many ways.

I have to say it - you never had a chance with this guy. He was on the rebound when you met him, would have been up for a little frolic with you, then gone back to the girlfriend he is now going to marry.

This might be more difficult for you because (from reading your post) you rejected him. Though it seemed like an unintentional misunderstanding, he was likely hurt. This one is 100% on your shoulders and you know it. That's why it's so hard to move it.

Yes - I 'friendzoned' him completely, without meaning to at all, and with the opposite desire in mind. I really do hate that I unintentionally 'rejected' him, and have kicked myself for it since - a very atypical 'blonde' moment of complete disconnect! I hadn't thought that this might factor in the difficulty I'm having letting go of the last bits of residual romantic attachment, but I think, now it's been mentioned, that it's probably a big part of it - thanks for pointing this out. :flowerforyou:

You say "I haven't met anyone since who even begins to elicit the same level of interest or attraction".
I believe a lot of it is due to the reciprocated attraction he felt for you. Your guy reciprocated, thus becomes an object of fantasy, and a fixation in times of loneliness, an anchor.

So, what did you reject him from? A night or a few nights of intimacy that would have probably left you hanging on this guy even harder than now and more heartbroken. He might have reciprocated some physical attraction that one night, but that does mean for a second he was ever interested in having a relationship with you. It wasn't over with the ex, obviously! They were just on a break.

I agree with the cutting this guy out of your life and moving on if you can't move past the romantic attachment. He was never really all that into you. You were an opportunity that presented itself... period. He is now your fantasy ideal and that is keeping you from finding happiness.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but I think you are stuck on this guy more because you think you had a chance with him and missed it. I really don't believe you ever did have a chance. If you realize that, you might be able to put him behind you better.

(MFP needs a preview button!)

julesboots

Wish I knew the answer because then I could follow the advice as well.

Last year I was in a relationship with the most amazing woman I have ever met, and for 7 months we seemed ridiculously happy and in love, although I had underlying anxiety issues which I didn't admit to myself which in the end ruined things.

She and her eldest daughter spent Christmas day with me and my family and then she split up with me 3 days later, for a number of reasons but said that didn't mean it was forever, mainly was having problems with her daughters, had failed an assignment on her nursing degree and felt like was sliding back to a breakdown she had had in the past, and couldnt carry a relationship as well.

I have had an unbelieveably difficult 10 months since the split where I have been off the rails big style and mentally broke. in the past 10 months she has dated others including a friend of mine for a few months. She has since changed the reason for the split a few times but we finally spoke through things in August, only about 8 months late! Since then our friendship gets stronger and stronger, and she confides in me about many things, and at times is happy to spend time just the two of us, but at others is distant when more people around. I know she will never be mad enough to love me again, but I can't accept the whole cut her out of my life thing partly because she is physio for the rugby team I run and play for, and I play rugby and am friends with her 3 brothers and dad. but she is also someone who is very special to me, and if she can't or won't love me then I still want to be her friend. But that doesn't stop the pain of my feelings for her inside when I know she has no interest in me.

Part of me would love to be able to move on, but I don't accept the "we remember things better than they were" as we were so connected, and I was happier than had ever been, I don't know what changed that but think it was my fault for letting my anxiety push her away. I don't know how to stop loving her, I wish I did but I just hide that away and get on with our friendship, grateful that she even wants that still.

Her best friend realised I still loved her the other day, but have told her I know nothing will happen and my friendship with her is not conditional on that.

But it is hard, I truly believe I will never find anyone else for me. However many people tell you different at the end of the day only you know you're head and heart. I hope for your sake you are able to let go and move on and find happiness, I just don't think I ever will.

I guess if you have enough confidence, you should get out and meet new people and immerse yourself in a busy social life.

Your underlying anxiety issues didn't "ruin things" and she did not break up with you because of outside forces (daughter, nursing exam). These are things that can be worked through if both people are willing. She clearly has a lot of stuff going that you are probably in denial about because of your feelings for her. You are intelligent, introspective (maybe too much), and seem to have a lot of love to offer. Please don't push forward with the "friendship" it will really make this a lot harder for you.

I have someone in my life with whom I went through some similar things not long ago; it was the first time I had ever been dumped, and a lot of my lamenting sounded like yours. A months long no contact period where I made a lot of intentional choices about caring for myself was the best thing I could have ever done. I'm sorry. Stop giving her the credit she doesn't deserve and give yourself some.

Edit: bad grammar- too bad to fix.
Second Edit: I totally want to give you a hug through the screen. I'm sorry : (

castadiva

I just wanted to say thanks to you all for the counsel and support :flowerforyou:

As most of you have discerned, I've dealt with the majority of this already, but I'm finding it hard to let go of the last few dregs of vain hope, and move forward freely. Your words and suggestions may help with that, so thanks.

Mellie - you're probably right, and realising this has been part of getting to where I am now. However, knowing that one person I wanted also wanted me, even if only for a little while, is a pretty powerful drug, with my (total lack of a) romantic history. Reciprocated interest is flattering, and it's exceptionally difficult to let go of the only example of that I've ever experienced. I try, most of the time, to convert that little nugget to hope, aiming to move forward - after all, if he could want me, someone, somewhere, somewhen else is bound to, too - but sometimes regret proves the stronger, especially when there seems no glimmer of that someone or somewhen on the horizon. In a way, even though I know I would almost certainly have ended up hurt, had something happened, it would have been some sort of validation that it could. I'm definitely not everyone's cup of tea - never have been - so it sometimes feels like I'm looking for a single, specific krill in the ocean, rather than a needle in a haystack! :frown:

To RossChip, my sympathies - that sounds like a difficult situation, and with more 'real time' investment than the one I'm dealing with (not to say that fantasy and 'if only...' doesn't wield its' own power, but still...) Coraggio! This too will pass, though I know it doesn't feel like it right now. Though it's the ultimate cliche, time really is the ultimate healer - I'm in so much better a place than I was even a few months ago. I hope you will be able to find your peace with the situation, in due course.

atjays

That's a toughie, cutting the loose end I feel would do wonders for you however it can be really hard when you have a great friendship yet still have the occasional lingering thought about what might have been. I'd suspect that his marriage will quickly consume him and he will lose touch with you among other friends. Might just let things take their course, I can't say I'd be going to that wedding though, emotional torture!