Dumper or dumpee*
pa_jorg
Posts: 4,404 Member
*I'm using these words for lack of better ones upon posting...
I'm wondering if certain personality types are quicker to 'pull the plug' or give someone more of a chance on the dating scene. Or is it just an issue of life-stage where you know what you want and are unwilling to settle.
So, my question is, are you more likely to tell someone you are not interested or be the one to hear it? This could even be after one date (so I assume poofing counts if it is that early). And whichever side you think you fall on more often, why do you think that is the case for you specifically?
I'm wondering if certain personality types are quicker to 'pull the plug' or give someone more of a chance on the dating scene. Or is it just an issue of life-stage where you know what you want and are unwilling to settle.
So, my question is, are you more likely to tell someone you are not interested or be the one to hear it? This could even be after one date (so I assume poofing counts if it is that early). And whichever side you think you fall on more often, why do you think that is the case for you specifically?
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I am more likely to say it. After one date, I will tell someone that I don't see things going anywhere as I prefer to be direct rather than to try to avoid them and poof.
My last two relationships, I also pulled the plug. It's clear to me that my ex-husband had checked out already, but wasn't man enough to end things. He has a history of waiting things out until some other force ended things because he's a coward. My last BF was also something I needed to end because we obviously didn't have a future and I needed to get on with my life. I think he was okay with the status quo for us, but then he lost his job and that wouldn't have worked for a long distance thing if he could no longer afford to travel.
I think I like to be decisive about things in life - if I'm kind of stuck in limbo and there's nothing moving forward in a relationship (or if it's degenerating), I need to take action. I try to make things work and I will spend a lot of time doing that, but if the other person has given up and isnt' trying, and is just wasting time, as my marriage went, it falls on me to look out for my best interests in life - as it always does.0 -
Hmmm! I've been dumped, but I'd say I usually am the more decisive if I feel things aren't going well. I'm not one to stick around if I'm not happy. Although it takes me a while to jump ship. IOW I will talk it through and give it my best shot. But I believe life is too short to be miserable. :flowerforyou:0
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I'm a dumpee.
Honestly, I'm so scared of rejecting a guy that I'd probably date him until he dumped me. With this guy I saw back in March, I kept seeing him even though I wasn't into it...because I felt bad saying no to him. I have no problem saying no in other parts of my life though.0 -
I have been both. I can't really say if I lean to one side or the other. In the case of being the dumpee, there was too much fighting, mistrust issues. With being the dumper, after about a month, I felt no sparks at all. Nothing and I got the vibe she didn't either so I just decided to end it.0
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I'm usually the one who gets dumped :sad:
It's because once I decide someone is worth the effort, I will pour heart, body and soul into the relationship to make it last, whether it be friends or more than that. Unfortunately, this does mean that my heart has been broken more than a few times, but at the same time, I can't say that I regret it. I think remaining open and willing to love others even when one has been hurt so many times is a good thing. It gives me a greater understanding and compassion for others who have been hurt.0 -
I've dumped once, been the dumpee (:laugh: love that word) the rest of the times.
I do what some other people have said, I put absolutely everything into it checking myself to make sure it's going right, and then it's usually a BAM:explode: :huh: moment, like WTF?
The one time I did the dumping, I hate to say this but he just smothered the hell out of me, with his "princess" and "quoting poetry" crap. I mean it's ok to do it a little bit and really mean it, but when it's 24/7 I realized I didn't want it that much.
And he was a cryer.... over little things....stupid things..... I know women do that too, but this was worse than some of the women I've seen.
I probably let it go too long before I finally said, enough.0 -
My last two relationships, I also pulled the plug. It's clear to me that my ex-husband had checked out already, but wasn't man enough to end things.
By any chance, was he looking to start a new relationship before exiting the old one? There are plenty of people who use strategy.0 -
I've been both, but there's definitely a clear line.
In dating, I'm the dumper (99% of the time). If after a date or two I'm not interested or don't feel anything, I won't lead a man on. I've been very honest and just said that while he was very nice, I just didn't want to waste his time. Some men take it well, some do not. I actually had one beg me to try to "make this work" because we were such a good match (after 1 date). Yeah, I ran.
Once I actually get into a relationship, I am the dumpee. In my last two serious relationships, both men were great, successful and just awesome men. In each case, we met an issue in the relationship. I am a "fixer" and really was committed to making it work. Each of the two men decided it was better not to (until later after I'd moved on).
I am the one that filed for divorce in the marriage. We tried for 10 years to make it work and when it was very clear that things would not change, I ended it.0 -
I'm a dumpee.
I generally like people and have a ridiculously overdeveloped sence of loyalty and trust. I am eternally optimistic when it comes to relationships so I 'hold on' even when the relationship has obviously gone bad. So... eventually... I get dumped.
Loyalty is simultaineously one of my greatest stengths AND greatest weaknesses.0 -
I poof.
In the 2 relationships I had this yr, I brought it up but with the 1st, I didn't want to while he did. Second, I pulled the plug. I felt I wasn't emotionally connecting to him so I broke up with him. He did tell me in the beginning he was the type to not break up, just grow distant.
I think everybody is different. Either way, it's tough pulling the plug and the plug being pulled out on you.
Poofing is easier except when they want an explanation but usually they get the hint or vice versa.0 -
In dating, I'm the dumper (99% of the time). If after a date or two I'm not interested or don't feel anything, I won't lead a man on.
I asked the question because I feel as though I've been doing a lot of this lately!! But I guess that's more because I've been dating around like you said...either that or I have a sparkling personality and men can't resist me.
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In dating, I'm the dumper (99% of the time). If after a date or two I'm not interested or don't feel anything, I won't lead a man on.
I would say that in the early stages, this is pretty true. Most women have a quicker hook than men.
Later on, my guess is that the numbers even out a little more, but I would think that women are more often the dumper than dumpee.
EDIT: Statistics time-Women initiate divorce 66% of the time (http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/women-initiate-divorce-66-of-the-time-why-do-they-want-to-get-married-567068.html)0 -
I am more likely to tell them, but I am not necessarily a good example to go by :S0
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I asked the question because I feel as though I've been doing a lot of this lately!! But I guess that's more because I've been dating around like you said...either that or I have a sparkling personality and men can't resist me.
I'd say it's your sparkling personality and they can't resist.
For me...I think it's because I'm honest and engage actively in the conversation. When I am on a date, my attention is fully on him and trying to get to know him. Even if there's not a spark, I do enjoy meeting new people, so unfortunately that often reflects as me being interested romantically. I've heard several men say "but it felt so natural" or "you are so easy to talk with" and I think that's just because I'm used to talking with men (having brothers and working in a male dominated field). It's really hard to be the dumper at that point because I don't ever want to crush a man, but at the same time don't want him to think there is any chance.0 -
I asked the question because I feel as though I've been doing a lot of this lately!! But I guess that's more because I've been dating around like you said...either that or I have a sparkling personality and men can't resist me.
I'd say it's your sparkling personality and they can't resist.
For me...I think it's because I'm honest and engage actively in the conversation. When I am on a date, my attention is fully on him and trying to get to know him. Even if there's not a spark, I do enjoy meeting new people, so unfortunately that often reflects as me being interested romantically. I've heard several men say "but it felt so natural" or "you are so easy to talk with" and I think that's just because I'm used to talking with men (having brothers and working in a male dominated field). It's really hard to be the dumper at that point because I don't ever want to crush a man, but at the same time don't want him to think there is any chance.
Yes, yes, yes! You just put into words exactly what I think has been happening to me too. Thank you.0 -
You are quite welcome!! And, it's so nice to hear others have the same issues.
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I tend to be the dumpee because I am a hopeless romantic and always end up hoping that the relationship will work out for the best. The few times I was the dumper, I held on as long as I possibly could.0
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Always the dumpee. All though, I can say that at least the first time I was dumped I manipulated that kind of response out of the ex. I admit that being not my greatest moment.0
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In dating, I'm the dumper (99% of the time). If after a date or two I'm not interested or don't feel anything, I won't lead a man on.
I would say that in the early stages, this is pretty true. Most women have a quicker hook than men.
Later on, my guess is that the numbers even out a little more, but I would think that women are more often the dumper than dumpee.
EDIT: Statistics time-Women initiate divorce 66% of the time (http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/women-initiate-divorce-66-of-the-time-why-do-they-want-to-get-married-567068.html)
Yeah, if I'm not interested, I get out before sex, whereas a guy would be more likely to try to get the sex and then get out, so for casual things, I'm definitely the dumper... but I hate dumping, so sometimes I hold on longer than I ought to.
In my last relationship, we both knew it was coming, I said it, but I kinda hoped it wouldn't actually end, so 50/50. And now that I think about it, my college boyfriend dumped me, but then wanted back together, and I tried but ultimately couldn't give my heart back to someone that broke it. I was dumper for the other 2 relationships, I only have had like 4 that count as real relationships imo.0 -
I've come to realize I'm like Jerry Seinfeld, I find the smallest and often oddest little things as an excuse to pull the plug. I haven't dated in ages though, and I'd like to think I'm more mature and ready to settle down (note, not settle) enough to overlook little annoyances now.0
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The last three guys that I've dated for a few months as well as the ex husband, I dumped. A lot of times I find myself being the dumper lately, and I"m not so sure that it's a good thing. But I'd like to think that I know much better now what I'm looking for and just don't want to lead someone on if I don't see a future.
A few years ago it seemed that I was typically the dumpee. I'm guessing that had to do with self esteem issues and seeing potential in everybody instead of the "somebodys".
Interesting topic, PJ! :flowerforyou:0 -
I asked the question because I feel as though I've been doing a lot of this lately!! But I guess that's more because I've been dating around like you said...either that or I have a sparkling personality and men can't resist me.
I'd say it's your sparkling personality and they can't resist.
For me...I think it's because I'm honest and engage actively in the conversation. When I am on a date, my attention is fully on him and trying to get to know him. Even if there's not a spark, I do enjoy meeting new people, so unfortunately that often reflects as me being interested romantically. I've heard several men say "but it felt so natural" or "you are so easy to talk with" and I think that's just because I'm used to talking with men (having brothers and working in a male dominated field). It's really hard to be the dumper at that point because I don't ever want to crush a man, but at the same time don't want him to think there is any chance.
For me (especially if we are meeting as a result of an online dating site). I emphasize that the first encounter will essentially be a "meet and greet" only .....we then go back to our respective corners mull over the conversation, chemistry etc and go from there. If I really enjoyed the guy I'll end things along the lines "I look forward to hearing from you" (that means...yes I want him) or "it was nice to finally meet you" (that means this was fun, but I have no intention of ever contacting you again!!) lol so those are my 2 subtle cues I give out. I too enjoy meeting new people, even if it isn't a connection. I just met a guy that I think wasn't a great fit for me, but my friend might like him....so some times I'll pass that along to them as well...something along the lines of "I really didn't feel a connection, but I have a friend I think you would enjoy meeting". I really (even if I really, really like him) do not like to end the date with a kiss or anything else when you are meeting for the first time. To me, a 2nd date clearly indicates you have at the very least have a mutual attraction.0 -
I'm definitely noticing a trend that women are the dumpers in short term scenarios and hold on longer in serious relationships. What you said above makes perfect sense for this.Yeah, if I'm not interested, I get out before sex, whereas a guy would be more likely to try to get the sex and then get out, so for casual things, I'm definitely the dumper...
I think both of the sentences you have above are fine, but I wonder if they are too subtle if someone is into you but you don't feel the same way?If I really enjoyed the guy I'll end things along the lines "I look forward to hearing from you" (that means...yes I want him) or "it was nice to finally meet you" (that means this was fun, but I have no intention of ever contacting you again!!) lol so those are my 2 subtle cues I give out.0 -
I'm the dumper. I guess I just don't the tolerance for BS like some people. I'm happy to report I've never been dumped...0
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The one time it mattered I was the dumpee.
Every other time I was the dumper, except for the one FWB that I didn't care about (and that was more of a "hey I have a girlfriend so we can't *kitten* anymore).0 -
I haven't had many relationships, but currently 50/50 dumper/dumpee.0
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Ending things is torture for me. I will do anything to avoid that discussion if I really care about someone. Having said that, fwb - I am the dumper, short term relationships - usually the dumpee, and longer term or serious relationships - so far the dumper.0
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I don't like to do the dumping so I sabotage everything until she does the dirty work. I usually know within about 30 minutes if there's any reason to pursue a second date. . If the answer is no. .I just get drunk. . It doesn't always work though. . sometimes they like me even more that way
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Have been the dumper, but more often the dumpee. But I don't really get "dumped"...its more like "poofed upon". :grumble:0
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Well my Ex-husband dumped me via a dear John letter.
I dumped my LT live in BF
Only 2 relationships I've had soI guess I'm 50/500
