The one and the other one...

kimi131

My boyfriend Phillip and I have been together about 5 months. He is incredibly sweet, thoughtful, and funny. We have a blast together, whether we're just hanging out or going out of town together. We don't fight (much), but we have a few issues, mostly his lack of having a real career. (He runs his own business, but most of the time, he doesn't get much business at it). Other than that, everything is pretty wonderful. He makes me happy. When we are together, I am solely focused on him, but then the same could be true about David.

David and I have been friends for a few years and have slowly grown closer. He is funny and fun. We have a so much fun together and when we're together, it's as if nobody else exists. He is all the things I have always looked for in someone, and even most of the things I was just kind of hoping for. Phillip knows that David exists and we almost broke up over it once. But then, I don't really want to end things with Phillip. It's partly fear of losing Phillip altogether and partly fear of rejection from David. Lately, David has been showing more interest. (He knows?/knew? Phillip exists too.) He texts me pretty much every day now. I know I sometimes mistake guys' signals, but in my experience text message that say things like, "Missed you," "I thought about you today. I was daydreaming and you showed up. I was thinking of that pic u sent me...," "Sleep tight " and "Sweet dreams," usually indicate a level of interest. At times it feels like we're (let me use a term from my high school days here ) "talking."

When it comes down to it, I'm afraid to step out without knowing David's intent. I also really don't want to hurt Phillip. And, I really do love and care about Phillip.

Ugh......... so confused :ohwell:

Danielle_2013

Oh I SO know how you feel. Kind of feel like I am in this spot myself.

It is hard to believe you could possibly find everything you've always wanted, needed and hoped for in one individual, isn't it?
But look..you may have found two! And there are always more out there.

All I can say is good luck sorting out your feelings, and don't miss a chance to potentially explore things with David at the risk of hurting Phillip and/or being alone.
What will hurt more is you happen to settle for Phillip (even without knowing it?) and one day wake up and see that his lack of life and career ambition actually drives you crazy.

Clearly..I am projecting.

Carl01

At this point I am thinking David represents a diversion,more a fantasy then a reality,but if you truly want to know where David is then ask him and be prepared to make a decision if so inclined.

I would also caution you about thinking everything is great with Phillip when David excites you.
Is that an ego thing...maybe and in the long run will pass or are you not as interested in Phillip as you are trying to convince yourself?
If so then there will be another David eventually.

christine24t

Frankly, David has had years to be into you and ask you out and flirt with you, but he only does once he finds out you're attached to another man. To me, it's either of case of 1) not realizing what you had until it's gone 2) that he regrets letting you slip away or 3) he is jealous for some reason and wants to destroy your current relationship. I lean toward the third option - he knows you're with another man, yet he texts you things like "sweet dreams." A little inappropriate to text that to an attached woman. He clearly doesn't respect your relationship with Philip. And if you are texting him back, I am sure that David is getting an ego boost that you have a BF yet are still texting him.

I'm sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear but I think those reasons are entirely possible.

I would think hard about David's intentions before you make a decision. I don't want to make David sound like a villain but he doesn't respect your relationship with Philip.

TheKitsune6

Sounds like you like Phillip because he's comfortable and you like David because he's not.

I would say break up with Phillip (because if you are this uncertain about him after only five months it's only going to get worse), try for David and if he says no, worst case scenario you're single. OH NO WHATEVER WILL WE DO.

I see you lamenting that David may not be that interested and you don't want to move on from Phillip until you are sure - to me that's pretty awful to be shopping around while you are supposedly dedicated to one person. It's unfair to Phillip. It's also possible David is only into you because you are "safe". He can get flirty with you because you are already taken. So either focus on David and get Phillip out of your life, or break up with the guy and give him a chance to find someone that does appreciate him 100%

julesboots

Agree with others who are skeptical of David. The texts you describe are clearly inappropriate to send to someone in a committed relationship. Ask him what his intentions are, or if you are uncomfortable doing that and also unsure if he would be interested in a relationship if you broke up with Philip, then I'd totally assume he's selfishly playing ego games.

Your post kept describing David as "fun" but not caring or sweet or anything like that - I think you used better adjectives for Philip. Either way, I'm guessing you don't feel good doing this, and since there isn't really any "right" answer- if it were me I'd just resolve to do something in the next week and stick to it.

kimi131

To be perfectly clear, David is FAR from the villain in this. If anything, I am. The primary reason it has taken our friendship so long to build is because we just don't see each other very often. We attend different churches and only see each other once or twice a month, and that's only even been in the last 8 months or so, before that it was even less frequently.

Also, he's incredibly sweet. I didn't feel the need to specify that because we are not in a relationship so his sweetness is not often directed at me. However, he has stepped into the role of man of the house since his father passed away, taking care of his mother and even taking care of his sister's kids all the time.

Thanks for the advice. I just felt the need to clarify.

flimflamfloz

At this point I am thinking David represents a diversion,more a fantasy then a reality,but if you truly want to know where David is then ask him and be prepared to make a decision if so inclined.

I would also caution you about thinking everything is great with Phillip when David excites you.
Is that an ego thing...maybe and in the long run will pass or are you not as interested in Phillip as you are trying to convince yourself?
If so then there will be another David eventually.

This.

My (uneducated) guess would be to think Phillip doesn't represent a challenge anymore so you're already thinking about moving for the other guy.
Then you get some action with the other guy too, and you realise that he has bad breath too in the morning after all...
But anyway, we don't care about this, that was the interpretation part.

"When it comes down to it, I'm afraid to step out without knowing David's intent. I also really don't want to hurt Phillip. And, I really do love and care about Phillip."
That's the banker/cynical approach where you are simply trying to reduce your loss to the maximum.
You think David is the "better deal" but you won't make a move because you don't want to end up alone. You're being quite egoistic here.

Two things:
- To me, that indicates you should make a move on David regardless of his intents, since you don't seem all in all that much into Philip. As Carl said, though, there will be another David at some point if not this guy.
- Also, you're being extremely unfair to Philip for someone you say you "love". If you loved him and cared about him, you would just make sure you free him from you, basically release him in the wild and give him the opportunity to meet other women. Because at the moment, it looks like you're only stringing him along as a "palliative for loneliness".

will010574

you're being extremely unfair to Philip for someone you say you "love". If you loved him and cared about him, you would just make sure you free him from you, basically release him in the wild and give him the opportunity to meet other women. Because at the moment, it looks like you're only stringing him along as a "palliative for loneliness".

I agree with FlimFlam, especially the part above. If you are in a committed relationship with Phillip how did you and David become so close.

Put yourself in Phillips place, is it fair to him that YOU let things get to this point with David. Would you be upset and angry to find out Phillip is doing the same thing.

I think you are playing both sides of the fence because you are either unsure of what you want or are not ready to fully commit to one and see where it actually leads.

I am all for multi dating, if you are open and honest with all involved. You mentioned Phillip knows about David and it almost led to a breakup. Does Phillip know about all these texts and your interpretation of them?

MysticMaiden22

And, I really do love and care about Phillip.

I think this sentence has the solution to your problem written in it!

marvelprime

As I've been 3 for 3 as being the guy that's been kept on the side until something else develops, at least give both guys a heads up on the full situation, rather than second guessing.

I have a friend who is recently divorced and dating a guy, but I know for a fact she's not the same emotional level (in fact I feel bad for the guy) as him. However, she has been honest with this guy about that. Sit down with Phillip and talk to him about this newest circumstance at least. Yes, they know each about each other, but it's not really fair that they don't know the circumstances.

I'd say separate yourself from both guys, and see how time changes your perception on both of them before it goes boom.