Suggestions

marvelprime

I figure some people outside of my social circle could help. I have codependency issues, and quite frankly I'm at loss of exactly when to bring this up when I start dating. First off, the short version of codependency is that you want to to help people, even when it's to your own potential detriment.

Essentially, I was programmed to act like a walking carpet. I'm programmed to be that "too nice" guy. I've gotten help with this, I know what usually counts for something that's more detrimental in behavior. However, I have about 30 years of patterned behavior to undue, and it's a completely daunting task. It's very easy for some codependent behavior to seep into normal behavior, as I'm generally a helpful individual...or at least try to be.

I'd say that normally, until I develop a strong rapport that these issues might start kicking in...and I'm concerned that even though I can, shall we say, fight that way of thinking there's something in the womens sixth sense that just picks up on that bad energy. It's usually why I get stuck in the "friend zone". And, I'm at a full loss of when I should break it down to a women so at least she understands that I'm just not a creepy guy, or a clutchy momma's boy, but it's something that is distinctly a true psychological condition that I'm attempting to break.

Any thoughts?

Revellinginmn

I can relate on some levels to the issue of being codependent. It can be a hard nut to crack and I think only you can truly know when the appropriate time is to bring it up - it's dependent on so many factors. Establishing your own set of boundaries, internally, is important. And if and when you get to the stage of a relationship where you talk about boundaries, that to me seems like a natural time to bring it up. I don't know I may be the odd one out on this but I completely appreciate a man who is upfront and honest in a vulnerable way, but I would be very put-off if the timing wasn't right(i.e. too fast). I don't know if that was helpful lol Good luck

shammxo

Maybe you should focus on strengthening yourself in that emotional sense for a little bit, and try not to push dating. Being codependent is no fun, and I think it's behavior you should try to work on a little bit. I don't know if you see a counselor, but that's a great place to start. Start in a place that doesn't involve your dating life and accept that your friends & family are responsible for their own lives. And that sometimes your needs have to come first. Do what makes YOU happy.. But these are things that a counselor would help you with. I wish we could just snap our fingers and no longer be codependent... But it takes time and effort.

TheKitsune6

I agree with Shammxo, fix you before bringing someone else into the mess. That's just even more frustrating to deal with.

I have to be honest, if a guy came to me and said all of that early in the dating part of a relationship... I'd poof.

meshashesha2012

I agree with Shammxo, fix you before bringing someone else into the mess. That's just even more frustrating to deal with.

I have to be honest, if a guy came to me and said all of that early in the dating part of a relationship... I'd poof.

same here. OP, i'm sure you're a great guy and all, but please be whole before trying to enter into a relationship with someone else.

if you arent then the only women you're most likely to get are the one who fit into your pattern. that's fine if you're OK with what youve got in the past, but if not you're going to need to step back fix what needs fixing and then start dating

farmers_daughter

Volmkarl...***hugs***. I have recently discovered my codependency...its painful but its a comfortzone....ugh. to be selfish and do things for me just feels wrong...but as my counselor has said over and over that learning new behaviors is not an easy thing to do...ha ha the reason Im on MFP?
Im at the stage where im trying to figure out who I am...and unfortunately Im fighting it like hell...and this time of year is making it really really hard. I want to throw my hands in the air and say f* it. I see guys or couples out and i say to myself that ican make that guy a hell of alot happier than that selfish self centered beeatch can.
ive fought small bouts of depression along the way...i just feel so empty....im trying to clean out my brain and insert new behaviors and thoughts....funny enough though i really want to figure this out and do it right...be as "healthy" as i can be waiting on a guy to pursue me....i hate this to the fullest...but every relatonship ive been in i was the one who pursued and not in a creepy way...i was the one who led and gave. I am probably bitter but i really do believe im gonna spend the rest of my life alone. I just dont understand the emptiness...if im working on me and being selfish towards my needs shouldnt i feel a little more fulfilled? I guess as far as advice definetly dig into working on u...i am doing this with a counselor because i have no fn clue what im doing...it all seems so wrong but right? If that makes sense lol. if u have any questions gimme a holler i dont have alot of friends that can elate to me thats why ive reached out here and a few other places.... I just want this to hurry up....and figure it out...I wanna share life with someone

PS sorry i typed this all on my phone its prolly horrible lol

JanieJack

It's so strong of you to see that you have this issue and then work to fix it. I caution you to work on yourself first, not only for the very good reasons others gave you (my favorite responses quoted below) but also because any relationship you get into now will either driver you further into codependency or be ripped apart as you break free from this but your partner (who will also likely be codependent) remains stagnant.

This is one of the reasons my marriage fell apart. Through books like Dance of Anger and Boundaries, I was able to overcome codependent tendencies and my ex, who was used to taking advantage of those tendencies and in many ways was codependent himself, couldn't handle it.

Kinda like the classic scenario of the drunk sobering up but losing his wife because she's patterned her life around being a martyr putting up with his shenanigans.

I agree with Shammxo, fix you before bringing someone else into the mess. That's just even more frustrating to deal with.

I have to be honest, if a guy came to me and said all of that early in the dating part of a relationship... I'd poof.

same here. OP, i'm sure you're a great guy and all, but please be whole before trying to enter into a relationship with someone else.

if you arent then the only women you're most likely to get are the one who fit into your pattern. that's fine if you're OK with what youve got in the past, but if not you're going to need to step back fix what needs fixing and then start dating

marvelprime

Thanks all for the words. I have been getting help, therapy as I said (I kind of snuck that in there in my initial post). So, I've been fixing myself and sometimes there are honestly lapses. For the most part, I was not in toxic relationships, but I was definitely choosing toxic friendships...and was avoiding being in a relationship by choosing these kind of friendships. I've set boundaries with the friends I had. Some of them have actually changed when I started asserting myself, and were respectful about when I addressed certain things. Others, I realize have no hope of really changing unless something drastic happens and have limited my dealings with them (they are mostly "bar friends" at best).

Strangely, I find myself in a horrible catch 22. I realize that part of avoiding a relationship was part of my co dependence. So, I have to try to move forward and at least get a foothold in something I really didn't have an opportunity to experience. I was 19 when I met my ex and was with her for 11 years. She has been the only serious person in my life, and I guess I could count two others who didn't end up as being serious as far as dating went.

So, in attempts to gain a better social circle than what I have given myself because of the issues (even though it's improved on a better scale for the most part) and well, quite honestly, more experience and confidence as far as actual dating goes....I have to balance what issues are still going as well as break from my hiding away by choosing toxic friendships where I can easily avoid emotional relationship connections.

I know I'm walking a fine line here, and codependency is not something that really goes completely away. I can certainly spot and retrain behaviors, and definitely don't want to sink back into those behaviors anymore. I know how to spot personalities which would amount to listening to those issues rather than moving forward.

I'm not sure how I can explain it, but it's still a bad catch 22. It feels I'm damned myself into the same vicious cycle if I don't step outside of attempting a dating life, but at the same time I'm still going to be retraining my old thought patterns for a long time to come.