If she can't come...

JanieJack

TMI alert... squeamish may want to skip this one... but here’s a question I’ve been dying to ask the guys

I have a friend who is similar to the girl grum84 mentioned below (quoted from the "What women do" thread). She enjoys the closeness but often can't finish. She's tried telling the guy what to do better and it all feels good but she just never gets there. The good feelings disappear and there’s just “nothing.” I don’t quite understand this, but I asked her how she handles it. She said if she can’t get there after about half an hour she just fakes one. Her man has no idea that she usually doesn’t make it. I told her I would tell him and she was horrified. She insisted that you never tell a man such a thing because it ruins it for him.

Guys.. what’s the solution? If it was your woman and the problem (like I suspect for my friend) has nothing to do with you but more likely her inner construct or previous bodily trauma, what would YOU prefer she do?

My ex told me if that was me he’d want me to fake it.

Now along those lines, I have been with one girl who admitted to me early on that she had problems coming to orgasm (no idea if it was physical or mental). I didn't really let it affect me and just tried that much harder to make sure I did everything I could for it to happen. About half the time it did, the other half she would end up just telling me to stop, as it wasn't going to. Of course that usually just led to both of us feeling bad and going to bed, as I couldn't and she couldn't.

JanieJack

If anyone doesn't want to answer in public, please PM me your response.

Real world, if this were your partner and the issue wasn't your fault (i.e. she's being honest about what she needs and you're doing your best to accomodate), how would you honestly like for her to handle it?

If faking it is honestly the best "relationship building" answer, then I want to know (even if I hope I never need to use that advice).


Thanks!

lacroyx

There needs to be communication. Period. Sure it may crush him but better to have it out in the open so it'll improve. I would want my partner to be upfront about it. In my past serious relationships she was always upfront about it. Did it bum me out? A little. But I was glad she was honest and told me right away instead of months going by and 'thinking' I was doing the job. In my opinion, lying would just make it worse. What if he found out 1 day she has been lying the whole time? I think that would crush him more than anything else.

AnnaPixie

Does she *kitten*? This is usually where the problem lies. Women have self body issues and they can feel guilty/dirty/unclean/improper/etc if they play with themselves!! If she can cum by herself, she can cum with a man! That bit is then down to the trust in the relationship and the experience of the guy.

It's not as simple as faking it or not. It's not her partners' fault. She needs to figure out WHY she can't!! And mostly, the reason is psychological :flowerforyou:

flimflamfloz

Does she *kitten*? This is usually where the problem lies. Women have self body issues and they can feel guilty/dirty/unclean/improper/etc if they play with themselves!! If she can cum by herself, she can cum with a man! That bit is then down to the trust in the relationship and the experience of the guy.

This.

Also some women simply last "longer" than 30 minutes, and some men too - I know this wouldn't do for me, I >want< it to last longer than that... If one is particularly "uncomfortable" with their body or the partner's body, or having sex, it can definitely be a factor.

I'll tell you the problem with what she is currently doing, though.
She's just teaching herself the wrong thing, that she isn't able to come during sex, that she will after all never be able to experience pleasure... So she is screwing herself up.
I think by actually working on it every time she has sex, rather than giving up, she would gradually make it easier for herself.
Right now, she is probably making it worse for herself and worsening her condition.

So what I would like her to do - if she was my partner - is:
- Get counselling or whatever,
- Tell me what she wants,
- Let me try with her help (!) until she or I get bored (maybe for 1 hour or so, or more, or less, try different stuff, different positions, different scenarios - just make it fun, not make it a chore basically),
- And last, let her know that it's OK not to have an orgasm! (I don't get them every time either)

I know would be more shocked and disappointed by her to learn she is lying to me (trust) than she cannot have any orgasm currently.
If she doesn't like sex (and want it to end after 30min) then that's another issue, and I wouldn't want to stay with her.

TheKitsune6

I'm not responding because I'm worried about TMI, but I honestly just don't know if I was in that situation what I would do. I am interested to hear what peeps who have had to deal with this might think/want

JanieJack

If she doesn't like sex (and want it to end after 30min) then that's another issue, and I wouldn't want to stay with her.

Really?? Sex lasts longer than 10 minutes??

JanieJack

lol

Danielle_2013

To take out the TMI, I'm going to try and be very clinical in description.

The question for me is whether or not she is able to orgasm on her own.
One would think by the female representation in Single Peeps that women were just spontaneously having multiple orgasms all over the place! This is sadly not true, and the issue is a far more common one than some of us might think.

It is NOT always an emotional or psychological issue. There is NOT absolutely something wrong with her, and it does not mean she is sexually repressed or feels bad/guilty or improper in some way. There are a large number of reasons why this is a challenge for some people. It could certainly be her, or she could just be having really crap lovers, who, regardless of her communication skills and/or his efforts...it STILL doesn't work!

If she can have an orgasm alone, then she could simply bring what she is doing to the bedroom with him.
Men love to watch that anyway.
Toys also help.

jkandktmom

I'll admit it... I am one of those people that just can't cum DURING sex. Sometimes during foreplay, post play, etc but not always. I am usually very open to guys about this before sex. Of course they all want to be the one to change that but it doesn't happen. That doesn't mean I don't really enjoy sex because I do, I really do. I just don't have any orgasm.

On a side note (very TMI) I *kitten* and I can have one but it takes A LOT of time and attention and sometimes toys, I think that would turn most men off.

Danielle_2013

I'll admit it... I am one of those people that just can't cum DURING sex. Sometimes during foreplay, post play, etc but not always. I am usually very open to guys about this before sex. Of course they all want to be the one to change that but it doesn't happen. That doesn't mean I don't really enjoy sex because I do, I really do. I just don't have any orgasm.

On a side note (very TMI) I *kitten* and I can have one but it takes A LOT of time and attention and sometimes toys, I think that would turn most men off.

You are meeting the wrong men.

flimflamfloz

I'll admit it... I am one of those people that just can't cum DURING sex. Sometimes during foreplay, post play, etc but not always. I am usually very open to guys about this before sex. Of course they all want to be the one to change that but it doesn't happen. That doesn't mean I don't really enjoy sex because I do, I really do. I just don't have any orgasm.

On a side note (very TMI) I *kitten* and I can have one but it takes A LOT of time and attention and sometimes toys, I think that would turn most men off.

You are meeting the wrong men.

:laugh:

I agree, a friend of a friend of a friend told me some men would be OK with that.

Carl01

She said if she can’t get there after about half an hour she just fakes one. Her man has no idea that she usually doesn’t make it. I told her I would tell him and she was horrified. She insisted that you never tell a man such a thing because it ruins it for him.

Sorry to not be PC but she is an idiot if that is true.

AnnaPixie

One would think by the female representation in Single Peeps that women were just spontaneously having multiple orgasms all over the place!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Sorry, this is exactly what I was thinking yesterday in MY thread!!! I was too afraid to comment for fear of being a freak of nature!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

TMI - Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. But I ALWAYS have great sex (with the right man! or a man I'm sexually compatible with, I should say) :bigsmile: But more often than not, if I'm into the guy and he's into me, well,

AnnaPixie

I'll tell you the problem with what she is currently doing, though.
She's just teaching herself the wrong thing, that she isn't able to come during sex, that she will after all never be able to experience pleasure... So she is screwing herself up.
I think by actually working on it every time she has sex, rather than giving up, she would gradually make it easier for herself.
Right now, she is probably making it worse for herself and worsening her condition.

Yeah, I'm thinking she will even start to hate sex if she has to play act every time!! :brokenheart:

It's a common problem though, and not one that is 'easily' solved :flowerforyou:

jesusHchris

I had a girlfriend who just couldn't quite get there, either. She told me this after several years of what I had thought was great sex. That was not a fun conversation and I felt pretty ****ty knowing that I had been penally-patronized. Had we had that talk years earlier, I'm sure we could have worked together to figure something out. However, she led me to believe that what I was doing was working, so I didn't have a whole lot of motivation to bone up on my boning.

Skip forward to the new girlfriend - I had a very clear conversation right at the beginning stating that it would be awesome if she could clue me in on what hits the spot. A sexual GPS. Works perfect and rings the bell. We're both much happier than the prior situation, I would imagine.

I would want to know, either way. Even if she had been faking it for a long time. I'd want to get with the program. Be prepared to explain the lying, though.

AnnaPixie

I'll admit it... I am one of those people that just can't cum DURING sex. Sometimes during foreplay, post play, etc but not always. I am usually very open to guys about this before sex. Of course they all want to be the one to change that but it doesn't happen. That doesn't mean I don't really enjoy sex because I do, I really do. I just don't have any orgasm.

I think you are normal. Oral sex is the answer !! :blushing: :bigsmile:

On a side note (very TMI) I *kitten* and I can have one but it takes A LOT of time and attention and sometimes toys, I think that would turn most men off.

Look at some porn first, gets the juices flowing

Carl01

One thing that comes to mind and maybe not a thing but am interested.

For a variety of reasons many ladies have indicated that they have difficulty climaxing during sex yet this is the desired outcome.
This is almost unheard of for guys except in the case of too frequent acts (should we all have that problem :grumble: ).

Do ladies project their insecurities or issues on the guy and resent that he can finish when they can`t?

If so can it be understood that guys simply do not attach the same aura to orgasm that many women do?

Danielle_2013

I admit...I get seriously cranky if I don't get to...if it is assumed I will just be fine with going without. Some men are used to being with women who faked it or didn't mind not getting to orgasm. I am not one of them. So..my TMI for the day..I most often take matters into my own hands...but expect a very good level of participation throughout...in various ways. And ladies first is also just good manners in my opinion.

AnnaPixie

so I didn't have a whole lot of motivation to bone up on my boning.

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: you crack me up!!! :bigsmile:

I had a girlfriend who just couldn't quite get there, either. She told me this after several years of what I had thought was great sex. That was not a fun conversation and I felt pretty ****ty knowing that I had been penally-patronized. Had we had that talk years earlier, I'm sure we could have worked together to figure something out. However, she led me to believe that what I was doing was working, so I didn't have a whole lot of motivation to bone up on my boning.

Skip forward to the new girlfriend - I had a very clear conversation right at the beginning stating that it would be awesome if she could clue me in on what hits the spot. A sexual GPS. Works perfect and rings the bell. We're both much happier than the prior situation, I would imagine.

I would want to know, either way. Even if she had been faking it for a long time. I'd want to get with the program. Be prepared to explain the lying, though.

I have unfortunately met with one man that didnt care!! He was selfish, rough and ready and just not compatible with me sexually (urgh, what did I see in him).

But I have to say, that every other man I've ever had sex with really does care and wants to know what works for me. Even a one night stand!! And definitely my FWB!

Showgirlbody

I don't think faking is the answer just make clear that it's not happening but you really want to continue xyz because it feels good and you are still having fun. You don't want him to think that is the magic trick when it's not. I will be honest, I couldn't orgasm until I was about 30. And trust me I tried since I was a teen. Shower massager, magic wand etc. I could never get myself over the cliff. Now just oral not intercourse but sometimes it's not working and I say so. I have to concentrate and get my breath and clench and contract and it is work. It doesn't come easily for everyone and that is okay. Manual stimulation by me or someone else still does nothing for me. So I think it's all about finding that thing and training your body and helping your partner. Check egos and be honest so you can work together. Focus on the journey not base success on the finish line. Stressing over if you will or won't on both partners' ends will probably make it less likely to happen.

jesusHchris

But I have to say, that every other man I've ever had sex with really does care and wants to know what works for me. Even a one night stand!! And definitely my FWB!

Nice find on the FWB!

I think that most of us really do care. It makes us feel good to know that we hit the switch. I personally prefer to get that finished before penetration - then I'm not doing crap like algebra in my head to keep from ending the show early and can enjoy each scene completely.

AnnaPixie

Do ladies project their insecurities or issues on the guy and resent that he can finish when they can`t?

No! Unless he is a selfish ba*tard, in which case, I dont project, I just dump! :grumble:

If so can it be understood that guys simply do not attach the same aura to orgasm that many women do?

No idea what that means ?? I dont see sex as a means to an end!! I see it as a connection between two people. But, from what I've been reading from the women here, I'm alone with that one. Orgasms are great, but intimacy is better - for me :blushing:

Danielle_2013

Our TMI threads are always the most fun. Notice how we never squabble when we are all thinking about sex?

AnnaPixie

But I have to say, that every other man I've ever had sex with really does care and wants to know what works for me. Even a one night stand!! And definitely my FWB!

Nice find on the FWB!

I think that most of us really do care. It makes us feel good to know that we hit the switch. I personally prefer to get that finished before penetration - then I'm not doing crap like algebra in my head to keep from ending the show early and can enjoy each scene completely.

Seriously! That is great to know. I kind of feel that a man should do his own thing in his own time, by that point :flowerforyou:

Carl01

Do ladies project their insecurities or issues on the guy and resent that he can finish when they can`t?

No! Unless he is a selfish ba*tard, in which case, I dont project, I just dump! :grumble:

If so can it be understood that guys simply do not attach the same aura to orgasm that many women do?

No idea what that means ?? I dont see sex as a means to an end!! I see it as a connection between two people. But, from what I've been reading from the women here, I'm alone with that one. Orgasms are great, but intimacy is better - for me :blushing:

I know I didn`t say it right but get the impression that ladies attach a thousand times more stuff to sex then a guy does and having an orgasm often seems to be one of them.

I guess what I wish is not that every lady is ready to get horizontal at the drop of a hat but that they lose the built up mystique they have about sex and just let it be and have fun.

AnnaPixie

I guess what I wish is not that every lady is ready to get horizontal at the drop of a hat but that they lose the built up mystique they have about sex and just let it be and have fun.

I think you will find that a LOT more women have cottoned on to this one!! :bigsmile:

TheKitsune6

One would think by the female representation in Single Peeps that women were just spontaneously having multiple orgasms all over the place!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Sorry, this is exactly what I was thinking yesterday in MY thread!!! I was too afraid to comment for fear of being a freak of nature!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I apologize for any part I may have played in that. I did express that I was in the minority, but I think I did come across as a little "Haha sex is more fun for me" when I didn't mean it like that at all

shammxo

It's always been a disclaimer for me. I couldn't AT ALL until last November... And I wasn't about to fake it lol. Just 'cause I couldn't get there didn't mean I wasn't enjoying myself. And after a little bit I started being satisfied knowing that my partner was satisfied. I don't know if that sounds ridiculous...
THEN I learned that it was super normal, and eventually I got myself there. Now if I have a prospective partner, I will gladly tell them what it is going to take. And I will, as Kit says, "get mine".

AnnaPixie

One would think by the female representation in Single Peeps that women were just spontaneously having multiple orgasms all over the place!

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Sorry, this is exactly what I was thinking yesterday in MY thread!!! I was too afraid to comment for fear of being a freak of nature!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

I apologize for any part I may have played in that. I did express that I was in the minority, but I think I did come across as a little "Haha sex is more fun for me" when I didn't mean it like that at all

Awww, not diggin at you darlin :flowerforyou: Was just quite a shock to make a joke and come back to some serious debate!! :laugh:

My cum-ability ranges from 30 seconds to 2 hours to not at all! And after all these years I still can't figure why one day it will be 'wham' and the next day 'damn'! I didnt take offence AT ALL, I'm happy with my sex life when I have one!! The 'freak of nature' comment was just my humour, again! :flowerforyou:

Awkward30

TMI answer: I can't always. If its a one night stand or not ongoing thing, I'll fake it. And sometimes in a fake it till you make it way, I end up actually getting there. If its a relationship, I'm pretty up front about it. For me at least, it feels really good, and there's pretty much no "I'm done, don't touch me," so I more just go until I've had my fill. Past lovers don't seem upset by it since its clear that I enjoy the sex, although sometimes there is a bit of competitiveness like "maybe in the past you couldn't, but I'm the best so I can make it happen." But seriously, I can't even get me there reliably, so the odds for guys are just much lower.