Weird answer as to why it worked for me

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JanieJack
JanieJack Posts: 3,830 Member
edited January 5 in Social Groups
I mentioned to a guy friend how surprised I am to find so many on this forum dog out online dating when I met WAY more quality men from Match.com than I did in IRL. All but 1 of the guys I met IRL either never actually called or took me out, and if they did they were jerks. Yet I met some really great guys online just not what I'm looking for long-term. Most of them weren't looking for a lady who "waits for marriage" so it was a mutual "this won't work out" with no hard feelings.

What he said surprised me: He said that the reason I had better luck online is because IRL when a man sees a pretty woman with her act together (and apparently I give off that vibe) they think she's already got a man (or, if she's not friendly that she's too hard to please).

He said that being online lets guys know they have a chance. IRL they don't think there's a chance, so even if they talk/flirt with me, they won't ask my number or ask me out.

I'm not sure I agree with that. What do you think?

Replies

  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,830 Member
    And just as an aside... I enjoyed my second round on Match (not the first time 2 years ago). That said, I didn't meet anyone quality through eHarmony... there was only ONE guy I didn't pursue on there, and that was because he'd just joined my church and met my friend (they had chemistry). Everyone else I gave the old college try and most of them either weren't interested, were get-rich-quick scheme guys or the kind of fearful man who would never actually meet in person.
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,301 Member
    Fair or not I think the assumption that an attractive person is probably attached is almost universal,male or female.
    Probably more often then not it is true too so not all that unreasonable.

    A dating site essentially bypasses that (well presumably but as mentioned before by folks here not always) and lets people know they are available.
    It removes one obstacle to get past,that being the basic question of being on the market so to speak.
  • 4themoney
    4themoney Posts: 797 Member
    what made you enjoy it? how did you enjoy it?

    i am feeling so clueless with all of this online dating stuff. i feel like i'm missing a big piece of the " how it all works" puzzle..... i even tried the whole " message the guy first" thing and i never once got a response.

    what am i missing? :-)
  • kerrymh
    kerrymh Posts: 912 Member
    I don't know I get a lot of .."I must have a bf" comments (IRL)..why? I haven't had a bf for longer than 6 months in my lifetime and that was once..So I don't get it..never been approached irl and online I got attention but not really from who I want.

    This still doesn't make me feel like I'm not a catch..I do think I'm a catch just confused as to why no one wants to catch me haha.
  • 4themoney
    4themoney Posts: 797 Member
    guys always tell me i must have a boyfriend or get asked out a lot, or why am i single. i don't know, i just am. ya know?

    i think i'm a great catch as well!!! but, no one seems interested in catching me either. LOL!!!
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
    I would agree that online might be easier in that sense. Part of the scary feeling in approaching someone is that they might be attached and then it gets awkward.
  • marvelprime
    marvelprime Posts: 91 Member
    Online does make it easier. All though, I admit I probably kill a lot of attraction by having a poorly written profile.
  • shammxo
    shammxo Posts: 1,432 Member
    My guy friend was telling me the reason that I don't get hit on a lot is because guys assume that I'm taken.

    I do think online dating makes it a lot easier... Because then it's there right in front of you... The knowledge that this person is single.
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,401 Member
    Fair or not I think the assumption that an attractive person is probably attached is almost universal,male or female.
    Probably more often then not it is true too so not all that unreasonable.

    A dating site essentially bypasses that (well presumably but as mentioned before by folks here not always) and lets people know they are available.
    It removes one obstacle to get past,that being the basic question of being on the market so to speak.

    ^^^ This exactly.
  • mc1217
    mc1217 Posts: 108 Member
    ..I do think I'm a catch just confused as to why no one wants to catch me haha.

    I need to think this way more often! Great attitude :)
  • dbrightwell1270
    dbrightwell1270 Posts: 1,732 Member
    I think I would chalk it up more to perseverance and going through a lot of not-so-bad-not-so-great dates. You went on dates with several guys, you weeded out several more guys who didn't seem to meet your qualifications and you eventually found someone that seems to be working out well. In stats-speak the law of large numbers finally kicked in. In fairy tale jargon, you kissed your share of frogs.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,830 Member
    what made you enjoy it? how did you enjoy it?

    i am feeling so clueless with all of this online dating stuff. i feel like i'm missing a big piece of the " how it all works" puzzle..... i even tried the whole " message the guy first" thing and i never once got a response.

    what am i missing? :-)

    FIRST of all... I want to say I was on Match twice. When I did it two years ago, I had a horrible response. 2 years (and a couple pounds lighter) I was getting LOTS of male response and the only thing that I changed were my pictures. So if someone is not enjoying their time online, I humbly suggest waiting a year or two until you are fitter and trying it again with better pictures. Please don't be mad at me for that... it's the only thing that changed in my profile so I'm pretty sure my appearance is what made the difference.

    What made me enjoy it was that I had nothing to lose. I have long since accepted the fact that the likelyhood of me remarrying is almost nil (I would have said it WAS nil til I met BB). So if the guy didn't say he wanted to get married, have kids, or even go exclusive anytime soon I didn't care. No pressure to settle down quickly. Guys like that.

    Some of you have been on this board long enough to remember the bit of blow-up between me and my friend I really liked here in this forum. He basically said I was a great woman, but due to my views on sex was pretty much just gap filler for men til something better came along. I decided I wanted to stop being "fun" for everyone else and go have some fun of my own.

    I responded to every guy who wasn't ugly and didn't write something lewd/sexual (even if it was just a "hey" message). I went out with all who asked (again, not ugly or over sexual). I didn't invest a lot of time in them (didn't study their profiles, didn't shop for new clothes, didn't let them tie me up on the phone all night if they hadn't asked me out yet) so when it didn't work out I didn't take it as a personal rejection.

    in 4 months I had 23 first dates (yes, I'm gonna write a book about these guys lol), a bunch (I didn't track) of 2nd dates and a handful of 3rd dates. Only the bodybuilder and my band director (BB) got past that.

    Edit: Just saw Dave's post... yep... stats...numbers... I met a LOT of guys. I didn't weed them out for dumb reasons like I hear a lot of women doing. I let them weed themselves out.

    Edit2: just saw your "message the guys first" thing... not one of these guys I went out with was someone I messaged first. NOT ONE. There were guys I initiated contact with (a BUNCH on eHarmony), just out of curiosity but they were never interested.
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,401 Member
    In stats-speak the law of large numbers finally kicked in. In fairy tale jargon, you kissed your share of frogs.

    :laugh:
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