Custody Rights-Non-Biological Parents

marvelprime

I came to address a particular topic that has always been close to my heart. First off, a little background.

I'm a father of two children, 21 & 12. My oldest is not of my own blood, and I consider her my daughter. I help raise her from the age of 4. The biological father was a man who completely scorned and dismissed his child. He was a man, who when I helped get more child support, brought in letters that updated about my daughters life...as a form of harassment to the judge on the support case.
And, something still completely sits wrong with me to this day that this man, should he would have changed his mind, at least had the opportunity to say and get something done. And, that there was always the small chance during her life as a minor that I may have been told that I did good, pat on the shoulder, and lose a daughter....permanently....with no chance to fight.

Besides my emotional investment and rhetoric aside, it strikes me raw that in a day and age where the battle cry for more responsibility is often heard that there is a great and horrific paradox of being simply okay with a non-biological parent simply being released of their responsibilities, without much thought to the childs desire of continuing that bond that was all ready forged.
I think it's time that we move beyond this simple straight forward method of thinking. Just as in the process of adoption, so to should there be a method of thought and examination on each case of a non-biological parent.

I'm not exactly wearing rose-rimmed glasses here. I can all ready see the amount of hubris of frivolous custody suits brought on by undeserving exs, or just the quagmire of potential "hopping" of parents due to someone having more than one significant partner in life that could potentially earn the right to be a custodial parent. Certainly, things like this need to be addressed.

However, just like in some states that allow a common law marriage, I think at a certain point a person deserves to be considered a common law parent. And, that they should be able to at least fight to obtain rights to remain a parent in the childs life.

Naturally, the most important aspect of such is just like any other custody case. Do what's best for the child. Certainly, I think that our society has gotten to a point where just strictly assessing "blood-line" is merely one factor, but not the be-all-end-all factor that is currently continued with most laws to this day.

Anyways, I appreciate any thoughts on this. I know my child is now grown, and I don't have to worry about it. However, I still feel very strongly because I know other people, some even my friends, who didn't have the opportunity but definitely deserved the chance to fight for their custody rights.

bathsheba_c

I don't know any of the legalities of this, but if that's a concern, then wouldn't the sensible thing be to formally adopt the kid? Or does that take the biological parent off the hook for child support?

vim_n_vigor

In order to adopt, the other parent has to relinquish parental rights which also means that they are no longer required to pay child support. There is no longer any legal bond between the parent and the child.

castadiva

I'd have thought most family courts would prioritise the rights of the non-biological parent who has been a constant in the child's life, over those of a biological, but inconsistent or non-present parent, in the child's best interests, which is usually, these days, the prime directive of the family court. It becomes more difficult though, inevitably, if the non-biological parent is not married to the other biological parent. This may be different in your jurisdiction, but the 'child-centred' directive seems to be common in the family-law systems of most anglophone countries, and most judges in these courts have quite a lot of discretion to make sure that happens.

marvelprime

The biological father of my oldest never signed his rights away. To be honest, I didn't want him to do so because I wanted to make sure that he was essentially forced to acknowledge her in some way, and that was through the support order. If he gave up his rights, then he wouldn't have to pay. The idea is not to eliminate the biological parents right, but to establish that some non-biological parents can at least be able to keep theirs.

Gilbrod

I guess having that chance to be able to reconcile that relationship will always need to be there. You never know when a person wakes up one day and wants to do a total 180 in their life. But as it was said, if a person raising the child wants to raise them as their kid, then you should adopt and take the full responsibility. Even if it means no more child support from the bum of a father or mother. Why do you need someone, who doesn't want someone in their lives, to acknowledge that they have someone?

lour441

Based on the description of the biological father's relationship or lack of one with the child it seems to me that had you asked him to release his parental rights and allow you to adopt her he might have been all for it. It seems to me that maybe the support payments might have been worth the risk to you that he change his mind in the future. Sometimes you can't have your cake and eat it too.

LuckyLeprechaun

I don't know what state you're in. However, in some states, like the one where I live, any person who has developed a relationship with the child can get visitation with that child even if the parents do not wish to allow it.

I am currently in this situation.

My brother died. His son is my family's only heir. He is the only son, of an only son, of an only son. He has been the center of our family's world since he was born. At age 4, his father died, and she allowed the visits to continue for the last 3 years, until recently, when my nephew's mother has attempted to stop us from seeing him. My parents and my sister and I all have familial visitation rights that WILL be granted by family court. Filing suit is the first step, and the court will then order mandatory mediation. If no agreement can be made in mediation (if she refuses any and all visitation arrangements) then the judge will make a decision.

There is even precedent for sports coaches and acquaintances getting visitation. The court must determine that it is in the best interest of the child to be able to continue the relationship with that person. But I believe the rights you're describing already exist, at least in my state they do.

marsellient

In my jurisdiction, a common law partner can be held responsible for child support of a non-biological child, in addition to a biological parent, if they have acted as a parent. In other words, if you act as a parent, then you are treated in family court like a parent regardless of whatever else is going on or who else is paying. I believe this can be the case in other places.
As for the grown up child, they will eventually realize who acted as a parent and who didn't.

marvelprime

With my situation on the oldest, I saw the support order as a way to remind the biological father that he was still responsible. I didn't want him ever signing her away and getting away that easy from his responsibility. And, I still don't think at that point of time that even if he kept his right, it shouldn't mean mine was could be completely eliminated. It didn't make sense to me at the time she was a minor, and that's why I still feel strongly about this kind of scenario.

I'm glad it seems I guess there are definitely these kind of laws out there.

_VoV

According to your original post, your oldest daughter is 21. Are custody issues even an issue at this point in her life or yours? It would seem to me that she is old enough to choose the parental figures who support and love her.

marvelprime

Not really, but I know what it felt like to have that potential threat hanging over my head...the simplicity of having her taken away from me when she was a minor and I would have been helpless to do anything about it. I still feel strongly about other people who may be in a similar situation to mine and didn't turn out as fortunate.


One of my friends brothers had a situation that was much worse than mine...he actually couldn't do anything either and the biological mother simply pulled the child away. I could see in that mans face what could have happened to me. It didn't, but I honestly would not anyone to suffer that kind of fate.

I know I don't technically worry about myself anymore, but I feel strongly that it is something that still needs to be addressed...and seemingly in some states it has all ready been done.

kyle4jem

I believe in custodial cases, biology should not out-rank the individual(s) in loco parentis, but sadly in some legislature that is not always taken into consideration.

Of course legal adoption absolves the biological parents of any parental rights or obligations.

But it's not just parents and guardians who suffer. Grand-parents often lose out in such cases.

Each case should be taken on its own merit and it is difficult to introduce a one-size-fits-all legislation that will resolve every issue.

MaraDiaz

Here are my thoughts: The court system, at least in the US, has a very long history of deliberately ignoring emotional attachment and emotion in general as often as possible.

Why?

There could be many reasons, even reasons as simple as judges and lawyers being, by nature, in love with logic and fearful of emotion and very fearful of having to address emotion. Law emphasizes logic, not feeling. Humans are feeling creatures far more than we are ever logical creatures (as much as we would like to believe otherwise).

You are right to feel anger and distress over this sad fact of our legal system. I can't offer any other comfort. Just that.

Edit: A long human history of ownership, human chattel/slavery, call it what you will in relation to dependents, be they children or serfs or slaves probably also comes into play.

Sad, ain't it?

SemperAnticus1643

I think that if a non-biological parent wants to be deemed as the parent of a child then they need to adopt the children. Child support should not be taken into consideration at all. All that does is leave the door open for the other parent to come back in some day and force visitation. As for termination of rights as one person posted, just because someone has terminated their rights to a child that does not stop the child support from being received. All it does is tell the parent with terminated rights that they have no rights to their child any longer but they are still required to paid for that same child. Only in an adoption situation will the non-custodial parent terminate his/her rights and the financial responsibility then goes to the adoptive parent.