Chances are that he enjoys the fantasy more than the reality

JanieJack

A friend's dad runs a dating advice site I peruse from time to time. What do you all think about this question and answer?

Charity, 37, in NC:

I met a guy online. We seem to have a lot in common. We’ve talked for several hours and texted pretty much non-stop for 5 days. He has expressed a lot of excitement about me and everything we’ve talked about. He even said he wanted to lay his eyes on me ASAP. But, then why is he being so shy about us meeting…. He was honest about himself – separated for 3 years, ex lives elsewhere, has the kids every other weekend. He’s sent me tons of real-time photos of himself, too. I don’t get the sense that he is attached to someone else. He even wanted to friend me on Facebook. And, I’ve googled him to make sure he is legit… So what gives?

VictorM:

The kind of initial attraction you described is not sustainable. Chances are that he’s cooled off from that high. Also, there’s a good chance you’re not the only online contact he’s having.

Chances are that he enjoys the fantasy more than the reality.

Carl01

I expect that most will say that he is married and hiding that.
Could be,no way to know but also as a guy have experienced the same regarding a fantasy.

This will really get me in trouble but my observation is over the years that many ladies will enjoy the excitement of being desired via naughty talk but have no real intention to ever make it a reality.

Guys on the other hand if they say they want to get it on with you it means they would if given the chance.

christine24t

I think that online and real life are two totally separate things. For example, I know plenty of you well (know your dating history, sexual preferences, etc) and you probably know me or have some idea of me right back. BUT if you were to say "let's meet in real life, I'll be in town this week," I would be freaked out and nervous.

It is one thing to have a hypothetical relationship with someone over email, and it is another to actually meet them in person. I get why plenty of people chat online on dating sites but never actually get to meeting in real life. My friend and I were just discussing this. We want to join Match, but I said I don't know if I could actually ever meet a guy in real life if he were to ask me out.

flimflamfloz

Yeah, everyone has got balls online...

marvelprime

Man, the person that answers that is making some conclusions without some extra information or implying that extra information from her description of the guy being shy. I think the person giving the answer is making a huge jump from the guy being aloof rather than being shy.

The guy has an ex, still not fully divorced (and for a moment we'll sidebar the semantics of emotional separation and actual divorce in process separation), and he's still not sure on how his ex will act when he tries to move on.

I don't know at any point of time if it was clarified that he seemed to be dropping off from his messages (again, the person answering seems to assume this from the shy remark), that he seemed to be doing less interaction all together. These are signs of being aloof and losing interest.

His shyness on not wanting to meet may be more from his concerns about what his ex might do, how his kids might act, etc, etc. Without more details, there's way too many possibilities to merely assume that his shyness is from losing interest or not being as interested in her.

I'd say have some clarity given if there hasn't been all ready.

TheKitsune6

I think there is also a fair chance that the girl is misinterpreting his interest. When I was active in online dating there were guys that piqued my interest after a couple messages... It died down. I wanted it back so I kept chatting for a couple days before I had to admit that it was gone. At first I never knew how to break it to them which would drag it on even longer... And in the meantime the guy is saying things like "We get along so well, we have to meet, you are awesome, let's do things together." all while I was floundering for a way to say "thanks but no thanks".

meshashesha2012

this

Chances are that he’s cooled off from that high.

5 hours talking and all that texting and emailing? that's too much too soon. i know *I* would lose interest if that happened. my personal opinion about online dating is that you quickly connect online with someone you might get a long with and then immediately schedule a quick face to face meet up at a cafe or happy hour or something for the same week.

kerrymh

This is why now if I online date:
1. I do not talk naughty unless I would follow through..ie if I'm not totally hot for the guy initially and they start with that kind of chat before meeting I won't meet them.
2. If they won't meet with in the same week of initiating chat...I don't meet. The fantasy will take over and then its screwed having chemistry online is completely different than reality. I've let that kick me in the *kitten* time and time again..no more.

If' I'm interested I'll meet see if the spark is there if its not then on to the next why waist each others time its just stupid. Besides I have online penpals that I flirt with that I know I won't likely ever meet we both know the score..and then its just harmless no attachment. Fantasy angle covered. But if you're living in my home town, you're on an online dating site and think I'm cute then wtf why don't we meet up?

RunIntheMud

This is why now if I online date:
1. I do not talk naughty unless I would follow through..ie if I'm not totally hot for the guy initially and they start with that kind of chat before meeting I won't meet them.
2. If they won't meet with in the same week of initiating chat...I don't meet. The fantasy will take over and then its screwed having chemistry online is completely different than reality. I've let that kick me in the *kitten* time and time again..no more.

If' I'm interested I'll meet see if the spark is there if its not then on to the next why waist each others time its just stupid. Besides I have online penpals that I flirt with that I know I won't likely ever meet we both know the score..and then its just harmless no attachment. Fantasy angle covered. But if you're living in my home town, you're on an online dating site and think I'm cute then wtf why don't we meet up?

^^ Absolutely agree with this. Meet within a week or drop it. There are a few times where I've extended it to 2 weeks just because we couldn't get our schedules to mesh, but don't delay a meeting. Keep it PG in pictures and talk until you meet and get to know the person. There is still something to be said for having something to look forward to in a relationship. If you lay it all out there before you even meet, what incentive does he have to meet? He'll think you're doing that for every other man that comes around and that's definitely not something I'd want a man to think of me.

JanieJack

1. I do not talk naughty unless I would follow through.....

2. If they won't meet with in the same week of initiating chat...I don't meet....

^^ Absolutely agree with this. Meet within a week or drop it. There are a few times where I've extended it to 2 weeks just because we couldn't get our schedules to mesh, but don't delay a meeting. Keep it PG in pictures and talk until you meet and get to know the person.

I agree... I like to meet asap, OR, at the very least be willing asap (even if schedules get in the way and drag it out for a bit). I do not like to develop an "online relationship" because usually your brain fills in the details about how awesome this guy is and when you meet him, he's nothing like you fantasized.

Not only that, but I've had too many guys turn out to be still married or simply bored and killing time or are too incredibly shy to follow through so they have no intention of ever actually meeting.