am i too untrusting and jaded to date?

4themoney

i dated a lot before my ex. i was relaxed and laid back and not worried about it at all.

been on my own for three years now. and i am having the hardest time with dating.

it takes me a while to find someone i want to meet in person and then even more time to find someone i might want to date.

in the past year i have met i think 8 or 9 people, in person. 2 of those i had 3-4 dates with. 3 of them i went on dates with for 1-2 months. nothing has turned into what i would call or consider a relationship.

i think a huge part of the problem is that i don't necessarily believe what i'm being told....... and if i get even a whiff of someone being dishonest or ( what i call) backburning me, i walk. i WANT to believe and trust, but it's like i just don't know how to! i don't want to be this way. but, again, i don't know how to NOT be this way.......

meshashesha2012

are you the same way when you meet guys offline?

4themoney

i haven't met a single guy offline in the past 3 years. but, i would have to guess i would be........

Lift_This_

i think a huge part of the problem is that i don't necessarily believe what i'm being told....... and if i get even a whiff of someone being dishonest or ( what i call) backburning me, i walk. i WANT to believe and trust, but it's like i just don't know how to! i don't want to be this way. but, again, i don't know how to NOT be this way.......

i feel the same way...i tend to over analyze what i am being told and it starts to mess with my head....i tend to then second guess myself...

its hard to want to trust everyone when you may have that feeling that they aren't being 100% with you. i have that feeling right now and its hard to want to believe people...but then again, what are they doing/saying when you aren't around.

La_Amazona

I seemed to be that way when I was dating online. I think because of horror stories, the way online is setup where you can see them online, guys who do lie online, amongst other things, makes it hard to trust.. Maybe it's not the men you don't trust but the way you're meeting them.
The guys I'm dating now since getting off online, don't give me any other choice but to trust them. They could be lying too, or whatever but its so different, even mentally.

I don't think I'll go to online dating again.

4themoney

why do you think you trust someone you meet in person vs someone you meet online?

La_Amazona

Like I said, I don't think it's necessarily the guys (although there were some who I just couldn't trust), more the whole online experience.
For example, I'm dating pilot. He texts mostly everyday and calls too but he's not as attentive as I have had other guys be but for some reason, I trust him. He could be dating others and all but I still feel at ease. (he has told me hes not interested in dating anybody else). We've had 2 wonderful dates. I don't have the "luxury" of seeing him online a couple of hours later looking for the bigger better deal. Nor do I feel he's lying about something on his profile. I have no choice but to believe him.


I don't know. That's been my feel. We are getting to know each other the old fashioned way and Ive caught myself bring more patient and intrigued this way.

4themoney

ok. i gotcha!
makes sense :-)

i wish i had a way to meet people in real life. i just don't. i live in a sea of married people, minus my ex LOL!!! he's like the only single male in my entire town!!! YIKES!!

i'm not enough of a gym rat to meet someone there, plus i always have my kids. our activities and vacays and church are all full of married people and families. i can't flirt with the hockey players at the rink cuz they're all there with their wives and kids! LOL

La_Amazona

I seem to meet many guys while out by myself. I know many are scared to venture out on your own and trust me, I was too. But you feel liberated once you do. I went out Friday to watch a nirvana tribute band by myself. I met 2 guys at the show. One of them, I was standing next to him and after doing the look at each other, look away thing for 20 min or so, I asked if they had played Heart Shaped Box yet. Bam! We spent the rest of the show talking, laughing and exchanged #s.

The other one just came up to me while I was outside texting.

I've met guys while out by myself to the movies, shows, school and of course bars but my fav are during concerts or festivals because it's super easy to talk about the common ground.

4themoney

i just don't have much time to go out by myself!

i'm limited in kid free time. and most of that is spent doing all of the things i can't do with my kids around, LOL!!!

i have a house and dogs and what not and end up just getting caught up in life. :-)

i went to the movies ONE TIME by myself, and it was fun!!! i would do it again, if i had the time!

JanieJack

i think a huge part of the problem is that i don't necessarily believe what i'm being told....... and if i get even a whiff of someone being dishonest or ( what i call) backburning me, i walk. i WANT to believe and trust, but it's like i just don't know how to! i don't want to be this way. but, again, i don't know how to NOT be this way.......

I don't believe what anyone says the first month or so... whether I met them online or in person. You probably don't want to be as cautious as me, but even good people lie. And if they aren't trying to lie there's still that "best foot forward" front that people put up for the first few months you get to know them. I know it's not for everyone, but this is part of why casual dating worked for me. It kept me from getting too caught up in the outcome if I found out he was a liar or something else... or feeling too rejected if he poofed (because I had others in the queue).

Also, since I don't become intimate with someone I'm not committed to, it kept me from accepting poor treatment from someone just because they made me feel good (or promised to).

why do you think you trust someone you meet in person vs someone you meet online?

I trust him. He could be dating others and all but I still feel at ease. (he has told me hes not interested in dating anybody else). We've had 2 wonderful dates. I don't have the "luxury" of seeing him online a couple of hours later looking for the bigger better deal. Nor do I feel he's lying about something on his profile. I have no choice but to believe him.

I honestly don't understand this. You don't know what he's doing when you're not there... people don't have to be online to be looking for the BBD. In fact, as a pilot he has access to plenty of women.

Having a wonderful date is more a function of personality than it is trustworthiness (does he know how to charm, does he know how to connect with you... I make it a practice to try and be a wonderful date even for men I realize I am not interested in...means nothing)

Trust has nothing to do with whether you met someone online or in the grocery store. Even if you meet a friend of a friend, or the son of your parent's fine, high class colleague, that man could still be evil/rapist/etc. Ever see "For Colored Girls?" Or, since this is not a sexist post, lol, the same could be true of any woman a guy meets in real life or online. My movie example for this point would be "He's just not that into you."

christine24t

i think a huge part of the problem is that i don't necessarily believe what i'm being told....... and if i get even a whiff of someone being dishonest or ( what i call) backburning me, i walk. i WANT to believe and trust, but it's like i just don't know how to! i don't want to be this way. but, again, i don't know how to NOT be this way.......

I am sort of the same way...always looking at things with a bit of a distrustful eye. I always have, and I always will. If this is not your normal nature, I bet it is alarming, but if this is always your personality you will have to find a way to work with it.

pa_jorg

This is a general question to all of those who say you are suspicious of people when you first meet... do you automatically assume others have the same suspicions about you? And do you agree or disagree that others SHOULD feel that way about you?

afv417

i dated a lot before my ex. i was relaxed and laid back and not worried about it at all.

been on my own for three years now. and i am having the hardest time with dating.

it takes me a while to find someone i want to meet in person and then even more time to find someone i might want to date.

in the past year i have met i think 8 or 9 people, in person. 2 of those i had 3-4 dates with. 3 of them i went on dates with for 1-2 months. nothing has turned into what i would call or consider a relationship.

i think a huge part of the problem is that i don't necessarily believe what i'm being told....... and if i get even a whiff of someone being dishonest or ( what i call) backburning me, i walk. i WANT to believe and trust, but it's like i just don't know how to! i don't want to be this way. but, again, i don't know how to NOT be this way.......

Oh boy.. sounds like me. However, I settle and don't run away. :-/ Would love more input on that!
edit- typo

4themoney

you know, i am very open and share quiet easily. maybe more than i should. i think most of my not believing is because i've met a couple people that have lied. and unfortunately, part of my personality is to pick up on the smallish things that could be indicators of bigger things.

like for example, the first guy i had dates with for about 2 months, i never really trusted 100%. he told me the first date that he had cheated on his wife before they were married. that always sat in the back of my mind. things with him never seemed to make sense and i always got the impression he wasn't being completely honest. i do think he was either still married or was living with someone!!!!

2 other guys told me they DID NOT smoke, and i kissed them and it was overwhelmingly obvious they did!!!! one guy continued to lie about it though.

sometimes i think i see red flags for abuse when they aren't really there. but, because of my history i am cautious about anything that could be seen as abusive.

and the list could go on, LOL!!! i am not saying these are good things to have, and i'm sure that i'm feeling that way then others meeting me are feeling that way too. and i don't have a problem with that, or fault them for it. i certainly don't hold other people to a higher standard than i hold myself :-)

This is a general question to all of those who say you are suspicious of people when you first meet... do you automatically assume others have the same suspicions about you? And do you agree or disagree that others SHOULD feel that way about you?

La_Amazona

i think a huge part of the problem is that i don't necessarily believe what i'm being told....... and if i get even a whiff of someone being dishonest or ( what i call) backburning me, i walk. i WANT to believe and trust, but it's like i just don't know how to! i don't want to be this way. but, again, i don't know how to NOT be this way.......

I don't believe what anyone says the first month or so... whether I met them online or in person. You probably don't want to be as cautious as me, but even good people lie. And if they aren't trying to lie there's still that "best foot forward" front that people put up for the first few months you get to know them. I know it's not for everyone, but this is part of why casual dating worked for me. It kept me from getting too caught up in the outcome if I found out he was a liar or something else... or feeling too rejected if he poofed (because I had others in the queue).

Also, since I don't become intimate with someone I'm not committed to, it kept me from accepting poor treatment from someone just because they made me feel good (or promised to).

why do you think you trust someone you meet in person vs someone you meet online?

I trust him. He could be dating others and all but I still feel at ease. (he has told me hes not interested in dating anybody else). We've had 2 wonderful dates. I don't have the "luxury" of seeing him online a couple of hours later looking for the bigger better deal. Nor do I feel he's lying about something on his profile. I have no choice but to believe him.

I honestly don't understand this. You don't know what he's doing when you're not there... people don't have to be online to be looking for the BBD. In fact, as a pilot he has access to plenty of women.

Having a wonderful date is more a function of personality than it is trustworthiness (does he know how to charm, does he know how to connect with you... I make it a practice to try and be a wonderful date even for men I realize I am not interested in...means nothing)

Trust has nothing to do with whether you met someone online or in the grocery store. Even if you meet a friend of a friend, or the son of your parent's fine, high class colleague, that man could still be evil/rapist/etc. Ever see "For Colored Girls?" Or, since this is not a sexist post, lol, the same could be true of any woman a guy meets in real life or online. My movie example for this point would be "He's just not that into you."

Again, it's not that I don't trust the guys from online dating. It was the online dating process that made me suspicious. Granted, there was 1 guy I specifically remember I didn't trust and That was a good call on my part.

I'm not saying I don't think the pilot would lie to me but Im not going to assume that about him. Why live that way?? If there are no red flags, why not just trust?

The whole online dating thing just isn't for those who have issues trusting, low self esteem, etc. I'm neither of those and I was turned off by the process in the end.

Im not sure if I'm making sense. But there are just more little things while using online that can feed your trust issues (like seeing them online after a great date) vs someone from real life. I'm not going to check on the man, I'm just going to trust that what is meant to happen will happen.

Jennifer2387

It is very hard to trust people the older you get I think. The more access you have to people, the more realize just how dishonest they can be. You see these people who have double lives and you didn't think that was even possible. I have known two people that their husbands have had girlfriends for YEARS on the side. One of them actually had children with the other woman. He was a police officer in another city so it was very easy for him to have this kind of life. Another one, he actually bought a house for them to have their affair in so they had a safe place to meet, as she was married to. My friend right now is dating a guy that is engaged to be married. She knows he is engaged, but is still sleeping with him and calls him her boyfriend.

Anyway .. what I am getting at is the whole trust issue, the more you see it the harder it is to believe in these annonymous people online. Actually now that I think of it.. none of these people met online ..lol. They met in person.

I think you need to trust your instincts. That is all you can do. If they lie about stupid little things, it will automatically make you start to question them. Go with your gut, but don't question before you have a reason to.

AnnaPixie

It is very hard to trust people the older you get I think. The more access you have to people, the more realize just how dishonest they can be. You see these people who have double lives and you didn't think that was even possible. I have known two people that their husbands have had girlfriends for YEARS on the side. One of them actually had children with the other woman. He was a police officer in another city so it was very easy for him to have this kind of life. Another one, he actually bought a house for them to have their affair in so they had a safe place to meet, as she was married to. My friend right now is dating a guy that is engaged to be married. She knows he is engaged, but is still sleeping with him and calls him her boyfriend.

Anyway .. what I am getting at is the whole trust issue, the more you see it the harder it is to believe in these annonymous people online. Actually now that I think of it.. none of these people met online ..lol. They met in person.

I think you need to trust your instincts. That is all you can do. If they lie about stupid little things, it will automatically make you start to question them. Go with your gut, but don't question before you have a reason to.

Jeez Jen, that's depressing! I was seduced by a married man once. I had no clue until he actually confessed :grumble:

However, I remain positive in life and will always trust people first. I think, on balance, that the majority of people are honest and caring, so I sit on that side of the fence. And I guess that I haven't been knocked TOO many times for me to be cynical. :flowerforyou:

La_Amazona

It's weird for me. Before my ex husband, I didn't trust anybody. I knew they'd hurt me sooner or later. And after my ex husband, I was terrified when i started dating and had waiting on the other shoe to drop syndrome.
But now??? I feel I trust you until you give me a reason not to. I live in a happy land where we are all nice (besides the obvious jerks) and we treat each other well.

RunIntheMud

Call me naive, but I don't believe it's harder to trust as I get older. I believe trust is subjective, dependant on the person and the situation.

I will go into any relationship trusting a man until he gives me reason not to trust him. Yes, I've been burned. But, I will not hold a man accountable for something that my ex-husband or an ex-boyfriend has done to me. Just as I will not allow him to judge me based on what his ex has done to him.

flimflamfloz

I feel I trust you until you give me a reason not to. I live in a happy land where we are all nice (besides the obvious jerks) and we treat each other well.

This... because, frankly, what are the consequences when someone lies to you early on? There are usually no important consequences, if you are not getting ahead of yourself so you can just let the other person go.

After some time spent with someone - of course lies will have a much higher importance. But then again shouldn't you detect or at least be suspicious someone is lying to you if you've been with them for a longer time?

RunIntheMud

I feel I trust you until you give me a reason not to. I live in a happy land where we are all nice (besides the obvious jerks) and we treat each other well.

This... because, frankly, what are the consequences when someone lies to you early on? There are usually no important consequences, if you are not getting ahead of yourself so you can just let the other person go.

After some time spent with someone - of course lies will have a much higher importance. But then again shouldn't you detect or at least be suspicious someone is lying to you if you've been with them for a longer time?

Yes....all of that ^^^

Roadie2000

Why does it have to be one way or the other? You don't have to decide if you trust someone or not right when you start dating them. Obviously you should be a little cautious but at the same time don't blame somebody for something someone else did. Just get to know them and have fun with them. You don't have to give them the key to your house (or your heart).

AnnaPixie

I will go into any relationship trusting a man until he gives me reason not to trust him. Yes, I've been burned. But, I will not hold a man accountable for something that my ex-husband or an ex-boyfriend has done to me. Just as I will not allow him to judge me based on what his ex has done to him.

Yep! This, entirely! :bigsmile:

And I join Diana's 'HAPPY LAND'!! Awesome!!! :laugh:

RunIntheMud

Yep! This, entirely! :bigsmile:

And I join Diana's 'HAPPY LAND'!! Awesome!!! :laugh:

I agree Roadie....I'm not saying that it's all rainbows and butterflies....I'm just saying that I won't go into it looking for the worst to happen.

Anna - I am joining you in Diana's HAPPY LAND today! And, I love that I now know how to pronounce it... so, Deeawna's Happy Land sounds way cooler) :laugh:

Danielle_2013

I definitely live in "happy land"!

We are all so scared of being hurt...aren't we.
Being hurt is an experience and unfortunately, part of life. Happily though, it is something to learn and grow from also. I try and look at each new person and each new relationship as an experience and an opportunity to enjoy or learn. I can only really go into things openly and with trust...or there would be no point. It can be hard, but I find it helpful to try and look at men objectively sometimes...outside my own feelings or what effect they might have on me. I often end up feeling kind of sorry for them that they don't know how to treat people properly, or really love someone.

Getting outside of my own emotions and hurts to really see someone helps me remember who I am...if that makes sense.
And I choose to be a trusting, caring, take chances type of person.

Hendrix7

For example, I'm dating pilot. He texts mostly everyday and calls too but he's not as attentive as I have had other guys be but for some reason, I trust him.

He probably quite busy, you know.......... flying planes.

If he was texting 24/7 I would be worried for peoples safety