How do you know when you are "over" someone?

Moe4572

Most you you know that I got 'dumped' last week (via text), and had no real closure. I don't know how to know when I am "over" someone---with my divorce, we did the whole dating/trying to make it work for like 4 mos, and so it slowly came to an end and I was over him by the time he told me the dating thing wasn't working and he wanted "out". So was a slow process. With last relationship, I was the one who broke up with him--completely different set of rules there because I wanted the breakup, and should have done it earlier than I did.

So, we only dated for three months, and my friends suggested going back on the dating site, which I have done, and am talking to a couple of guys that are interesting, but not sure when I would be up to meeting anyone. Is that unfair to them? I have not told them I am just out of a relationship, though I would if they asked.

Some people say takes years to get over someone even if they only dated them a short time....I don't see that being the case AT ALL, but not knowing what went wrong really leaves things open ended and it sucks! I did write an email to see what went wrong, knowing full well he would not respond and he didn't.

And, wow, I have gotten more attention on POF than ever before........same profile, new pics..only a few guys worth talking to though

Carl01

"Over"...not sure one ever is once they invest their heart.

"Past"...when another person stirs a passion.

Moe4572

"Over"...not sure one ever is once they invest their heart.

"Past"...when another person stirs a passion.

That actually totally makes sense....thanks Carl:flowerforyou:

shammxo

I know when I'm "over" someone if the thought of them with someone doesn't make me want to vomit. Or the sight of them doesn't cause me physical pain.

I've only had to get "over" one guy... So I may not be an expert.

TheKitsune6

You know you are over someone when you aren't filled with extreme emotions at the thought of them. You're definitely ready to move on once you meet someone and get those butterflies again.

It takes a bit of time, and it varies from person to person but it will happen

Mellie289

I'm over someone when I don't think about him any more. My day starts and ends without a single thought of him. If he comes to mind in some way (seeing a picture, someone brings him up, he posts on my wall on FB), I don't imagine being with him anymore and I'm not even curious what he's doing.

Prahasaurus

Men always lose interest over time (relatively speaking), but in long term relationships, we are able to maintain a decent level of interest throughout (although it will rarely be like those initial few months). I suppose the key in a long term relationship, from the male's perspective (won't even pretend to speak for the ladies!) is to do whatever it takes to retain some of that initial infatuation.

I know I'm over someone when I just don't think about them often. I'll receive an email or a call from my ex about the kids (or whatever), and it will be the first time I've even thought about her since our previous contact. That sounds harsh, but it's the truth. I think we men are capable of flipping a switch quite quickly and moving on, perhaps much faster than the ladies.

I've been married once, dated countless women throughout my life. Of all of those, there are only a few that I occasionally think about. So let's assume 3% of the women in my life have managed to maintain some kind of precarious hold over my mind. Not saying I want to get back with those few (perhaps 2 or 3?) women. But I do think about them occasionally. I do wonder what would have happened if we stayed together.

One was my first serious girlfriend, my high school sweetheart. So perhaps this is typical? And interestingly enough, she broke up with me when we finished high school (usually I end relationships). I was going to college in a different town, a long way from home. She was going to university close by. I never discussed it with her. I guess I assumed we'd still date somehow. She was more mature, and was waiting for an adult conversation on how we were going to proceed. It was a timing issue. Perhaps if I had met her when I was 30 (and she was available), things would have turned out differently. Instead, she dumped me, began dating another guy six months later. They got married two years or so after that. She was gorgeous and intelligent, with a great sense of humor. Kind, decent. Her husband is kind of bland (I know, sour grapes...). He was (perhaps still is?) a mid level manager in a tire shop (or something like that). She's a high school teacher. I hope they have a nice life together. She wanted a simple life in our hometown. And she's got it. I think they are still together. So perhaps she chose wisely. I hope so.

Another was a girl I dated in college, my final year or so there. She was two years younger. Super smart, tall, blonde, athletic, beautiful. Again, I graduated, moved to another city 3-4 hours away for work, and it was time to make a serious commitment (or end it). We kept dating for a year or so long distance, but I was more interested in running off to Europe to have an adventure. And so it ended. Again, hope she found a great guy.

Rambling now... :-)

--P

Mellie289

Men always lose interest over time (relatively speaking), but in long term relationships, we are able to maintain a decent level of interest throughout (although it will rarely be like those initial few months). I suppose the key in a long term relationship, from the male's perspective (won't even pretend to speak for the ladies!) is to do whatever it takes to retain some of that initial infatuation.

I know I'm over someone when I just don't think about them often. I'll receive an email or a call from my ex about the kids (or whatever), and it will be the first time I've even thought about her since our previous contact. That sounds harsh, but it's the truth. I think we men are capable of flipping a switch quite quickly and moving on, perhaps much faster than the ladies.

I've been married once, dated countless women throughout my life. Of all of those, there are only a few that I occasionally think about. So let's assume 3% of the women in my life have managed to maintain some kind of precarious hold over my mind. Not saying I want to get back with those few (perhaps 2 or 3?) women. But I do think about them occasionally. I do wonder what would have happened if we stayed together.

This would describe me to a tee (except flip men and women as appropriate, and I can count the number of men I've dated).

I would say one place I big difference is I never wonder what would have happened if I stayed with a former partner, but I do occasionally think about a guy who was never mine. He was taken and we were friends. I have always wondered 'what if' for that one - unrequited lust, I guess. For everyone else, it's over, really and truly.

MissingMinnesota

This will sound stupid but I always know I am over someone when I stop checking their horoscope when I check mine.

DMZ_1

Perhaps when you are "under" someone else. Being on top of someone else also helps.

All jokes aside, I think it is important to work through the emotional issues of a serious breakup before seeing new people. Sometimes professional counseling may be in order.

4themoney

i've read that it takes about one month for ever YEAR you are together. well, you were together 3 months, so maybe divide? maybe a couple of days to a week for every month you were together?

in all seriousness, you might need a bit of time before you want to meet someone, but that might not be because you need to get over someone, it might be because you were "dumped" or because you yourself need a little bit of time with YOU yourself.

i went on dates with a guy for a month, a lot of dates. we saw each other like 10+ times in a month. i was under the impression he was into me and things were moving in the right direction, then one day he's just not there and he pulls the rug out from under me. i left him alone, but he eventually did come to me and tell me he started seeing an ex girlfriend again.

i don't think i have EVER had anything like that happen to me in my entire life. so, it affected me more than i thought i would. i didn't have to get over him, because while i liked him i wasn't in love with him. and it had only been a month, etc. but, i needed some time to deal with the slam to my EGO! that alone was enough work!!!! it took me a couple weeks to even WANT to talk to a guy again. it's like in his one action i lost trust in men, in general. and it was about 6 weeks before i accepted a date from anyone again. and about 2 months before i let my guard down a little and decided to trust someone's word.......

but none of that was because i had to get over HIM. does that make sense????

pa_jorg

For me, it was when I stopped asking the question you just posed. When you have to ask, you're not over them. Once you are, it's just a feeling of clarity and peace about the situation.

jenbit

Perhaps when you are "under" someone else. Being on top of someone else also helps.

All jokes aside, I think it is important to work through the emotional issues of a serious breakup before seeing new people. Sometimes professional counseling may be in order.

Actually this isn't a joke for me. Having sex is one of the quickest ways to get over someone. It helps you close the door on the past and move forward (not suggesting you go out and jump some random guy though )

TheKitsune6

One was my first serious girlfriend, my high school sweetheart. So perhaps this is typical? And interestingly enough, she broke up with me when we finished high school (usually I end relationships). I was going to college in a different town, a long way from home. She was going to university close by. I never discussed it with her. I guess I assumed we'd still date somehow. She was more mature, and was waiting for an adult conversation on how we were going to proceed. It was a timing issue. Perhaps if I had met her when I was 30 (and she was available), things would have turned out differently. Instead, she dumped me, began dating another guy six months later. They got married two years or so after that. She was gorgeous and intelligent, with a great sense of humor. Kind, decent. Her husband is kind of bland (I know, sour grapes...). He was (perhaps still is?) a mid level manager in a tire shop (or something like that). She's a high school teacher. I hope they have a nice life together. She wanted a simple life in our hometown. And she's got it. I think they are still together. So perhaps she chose wisely. I hope so.

For some reason, this really struck me.

AnnaPixie

When I dont think about him sexually any more. And when I don't miss him in my life.

I think those are the main two tell tale signs.

I dont think you can put a time limit on it either. Sometimes it can happen overnight, and sometimes it can take years!

I hope you get over him quick Moe, you're going about it the right way by trying to find someone else. Only time will tell. :flowerforyou:

BelMckenzie

Perhaps when you are "under" someone else. Being on top of someone else also helps.

All jokes aside, I think it is important to work through the emotional issues of a serious breakup before seeing new people. Sometimes professional counseling may be in order.

Actually this isn't a joke for me. Having sex is one of the quickest ways to get over someone. It helps you close the door on the past and move forward (not suggesting you go out and jump some random guy though )

Yeah I think it is easier to get over someone (especially short term relationships) by meeting or having sex with someone else. I know I am over someone if I feel fine sleeping with someone new since I won't do that if I were hoping to get back with the "ex". However in a long-term relationship I would need to work through my emotions before being able to be in another relationship.

Roadie2000

How do you know when you are "over" someone?

For me, it's usually when I'm "under" someone else.

atjays

I'd have to say it is when you can hang out with someone and the other person doesn't cross your mind. pretty powerful moment when you realize it later and know the pain has subsided and you've found someone that holds your attention like that. It's a good feeling.

RosscoBoscko

been almost a year, so I'll let you know when I know.

Men always lose interest over time (relatively speaking), but in long term relationships, we are able to maintain a decent level of interest throughout (although it will rarely be like those initial few months). I suppose the key in a long term relationship, from the male's perspective (won't even pretend to speak for the ladies!) is to do whatever it takes to retain some of that initial infatuation.

I think we men are capable of flipping a switch quite quickly and moving on, perhaps much faster than the ladies.

Personally think that's a massive generalisation, and definitely doesn't apply to me. Wish I did find it easier to move on, would make current situation a lot easier.

For me, it's usually when I'm "under" someone else.

Unfortunately that hasn't helped either. Doesn't change my feelings, but may be due to being a fwb situation rather than emotional attachment.

La_Amazona

I knew I was over my ex husband when I felt indifferent towards him. If I still feel hurt or pissed at someone, I'm not over them.

kimad

I'd have to say it is when you can hang out with someone and the other person doesn't cross your mind. pretty powerful moment when you realize it later and know the pain has subsided and you've found someone that holds your attention like that. It's a good feeling.

I like this one!

MysticMaiden22

I went through a really rough breakup at the beginning of last year with someone that I was with for 3 1/2 years. For the longest time, the guy lingered in my life and everything he did pissed me off.

I think the moment of clarity that I was over it came when he purposely tried to upset me and it just didn't matter. I didn't care about him or his idiocy, nor what he thought of me. I fully invested my heart into this man at one point in my life, and I can honestly say that I no longer have romantic feelings for him....if any feelings at all. I really do not care what happens in his life, good or bad. The feeling of indifference is wonderful. And it does come. Like the flip of a switch in your brain.

vice350z

ya just know.

vice350z

I knew I was over my ex husband when I felt indifferent towards him. If I still feel hurt or pissed at someone, I'm not over them.

took me a few months to get over my wife of 6 years (together 9)...after awhile it just didn't hurt anymore, i lost a ton of weight and held no grudges against her for wanting a divorce and getting with someone else almost instantly.

She still cuts my hair 8 years later lol.

Cliffy94

i found out my ex girlfriend has got a new fella! That really hurt me when i first found out, but at the same time it sort of gave me closure! so i guess thats when i knew i was over her, because i knew i could never get back together with her after she had got a new boyfriend

samcee

I'm trying to get over someone right now too... really hurts and trying my best to cut contact and see my friends often for the distraction..

I'm over someone when I don't think about him any more. My day starts and ends without a single thought of him. If he comes to mind in some way (seeing a picture, someone brings him up, he posts on my wall on FB), I don't imagine being with him anymore and I'm not even curious what he's doing.

I agree with this.

pa_jorg

i found out my ex girlfriend has got a new fella! That really hurt me when i first found out, but at the same time it sort of gave me closure! so i guess thats when i knew i was over her, because i knew i could never get back together with her after she had got a new boyfriend

Sorry, but it probably is the best thing to force you to move on too. :drinker:

FitnessPalWorks

I've been married once, dated countless women throughout my life. Of all of those, there are only a few that I occasionally think about. So let's assume 3% of the women in my life have managed to maintain some kind of precarious hold over my mind. Not saying I want to get back with those few (perhaps 2 or 3?) women. But I do think about them occasionally. I do wonder what would have happened if we stayed together.

Very interesting you posted this.

I dated "Mr. Three Months" in my early 20's. He had swarms of women around him, and I knew he wasn't serious, he was loving the attention too much back then! One night we were out with our (mutual) friends, and suddenly he made it clear he was going to be leaving with another chick.... so I backed off and we never spent time together like we had after that. No dates, no calls - nothing - for YEARS. We'd see each other randomly (because of mutual friends) and say hi and that was it.

Fast forward all these years later - Mr. Three Months is probably one of my closest guy friends. Go figure. We will never date again, I am not attracted to him in the least, now. In fact, the last guy I broke it off with, Mr. Three Months called me every night for a month to make sure I didn't waiver in my decision - which I appreciated. We talk about chicks he dates now, guys I see, his kid, etc. As a friend he's great and probably one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Mr. Three Months also has said he regretted doing me wrong like that and has apologized profusely over the years. Granted it took him TEN years to muster up the courage to admit all of that.... but he did it.

So I guess you know you're over someone when you can be friends and not think of them as anything other than that..... at least in this case.

OP - I don't know, hopefully some day you will have the same closure with it that I have... and hopefully you won't have to wait as long as I did!

laurenz2501

I'm over someone when I don't think about him any more. My day starts and ends without a single thought of him. If he comes to mind in some way (seeing a picture, someone brings him up, he posts on my wall on FB), I don't imagine being with him anymore and I'm not even curious what he's doing.

that's how i feel! Took me almost 2 years to get over my last one, and going an entire day without thinking of him now is definitely progress i didn't even text him Happy New Year! :drinker:

laurenz2501

ahh wth posted twice??

lamby284

You're over him/her when songs dont make you think of the person anymore or you don't have strong feelings one way or the other about them.