Dating Multiple Women - Advice Needed!
Replies
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Hey P, I'm currently in this exact situation. I was girl #1. Now I'm bowing out....it is really difficult to know a guy I really, really am in to is seeing someone else. He's now sleeping with her as I decided not to. It is even harder on me now, but he still wants to see me often. Not sure I can even be around him as a friend as I'm too emotionally invested. The woman you are currently intimate with will be already more emotionally connected to you than the other. When she finds out you want to see someone else, even if there is no sex involved, you may lose her.
I'm not sure there is an easy answer. I would go with the woman that doesn't travel, primarily because you do. It would be nice for you to have a woman that is there for you when you come back to town without trying to juggle schedules. I believe trying to juggle both women after a few dates will only backfire on you as it has on my guy.
Good luck my friend....either will be incredibly lucky to have you.
S0 -
Bear in mind that this is gone beyond the 2 or 3 dates so inevitably, the sex is going to happen with both women.
Not a judgment on anyone else’s life choices, but this is exactly the kind of scenario that causes me to agree with the biblical standpoint of reserving sex for commitment. I cannot stomach the thought that a man I am having sex with is also having sex with someone else tomorrow night.0 -
Bear in mind that this is gone beyond the 2 or 3 dates so inevitably, the sex is going to happen with both women.
Not a judgment on anyone else’s life choices, but this is exactly the kind of scenario that causes me to agree with the biblical standpoint of reserving sex for commitment. I cannot stomach the thought that a man I am having sex with is also having sex with someone else tomorrow night.
With honesty and open communication it is your choice if you have sex with the man or not. If he's having sex with someone else and you don't like it ....move on.0 -
Bear in mind that this is gone beyond the 2 or 3 dates so inevitably, the sex is going to happen with both women.
Not a judgment on anyone else’s life choices, but this is exactly the kind of scenario that causes me to agree with the biblical standpoint of reserving sex for commitment. I cannot stomach the thought that a man I am having sex with is also having sex with someone else tomorrow night.
Couldnt agree more! Not that I'm in the least bit biblical about it, but I dont believe in bed hopping. 100% to one person. It's how I treat my man and how I expect to be treated.0 -
Hey P, I'm currently in this exact situation. I was girl #1. Now I'm bowing out....it is really difficult to know a guy I really, really am in to is seeing someone else. He's now sleeping with her as I decided not to. It is even harder on me now, but he still wants to see me often. Not sure I can even be around him as a friend as I'm too emotionally invested. The woman you are currently intimate with will be already more emotionally connected to you than the other. When she finds out you want to see someone else, even if there is no sex involved, you may lose her.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!!! Shells!!!! I'm gutted!!! WTF happened there?? I thought this fella wanted to be with you and you only?? Did he confess to seeing someone esle? Or did you find him out? :noway:0 -
Bear in mind that this is gone beyond the 2 or 3 dates so inevitably, the sex is going to happen with both women.
Not a judgment on anyone else’s life choices, but this is exactly the kind of scenario that causes me to agree with the biblical standpoint of reserving sex for commitment. I cannot stomach the thought that a man I am having sex with is also having sex with someone else tomorrow night.
Same here. It really squicks me out. Nothing on you in particular, P, just saying.0 -
Hey P, I'm currently in this exact situation. I was girl #1. Now I'm bowing out....it is really difficult to know a guy I really, really am in to is seeing someone else. He's now sleeping with her as I decided not to. It is even harder on me now, but he still wants to see me often. Not sure I can even be around him as a friend as I'm too emotionally invested. The woman you are currently intimate with will be already more emotionally connected to you than the other. When she finds out you want to see someone else, even if there is no sex involved, you may lose her.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!!! Shells!!!! I'm gutted!!! WTF happened there?? I thought this fella wanted to be with you and you only?? Did he confess to seeing someone esle? Or did you find him out? :noway:
He's been 100% honest with me. Pretty much his ex-girlfriend won't leave him alone. She shows up at his place and causes a scene. He is taking the easy road with her and has decided to "date" her until she moves in 3 months. Then the break will be cleaner. Whatever....I may not be around in 3 months. He has no balls when it comes to her....so I'm out ...but it was my decision. Like i said above, it is my decision if i want to sleep with someone that is sleeping with another and when it comes down to it, I'm a pathetic sharer! Pretty gutted too.0 -
Hey P, I'm currently in this exact situation. I was girl #1. Now I'm bowing out....it is really difficult to know a guy I really, really am in to is seeing someone else. He's now sleeping with her as I decided not to. It is even harder on me now, but he still wants to see me often. Not sure I can even be around him as a friend as I'm too emotionally invested. The woman you are currently intimate with will be already more emotionally connected to you than the other. When she finds out you want to see someone else, even if there is no sex involved, you may lose her.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!!! Shells!!!! I'm gutted!!! WTF happened there?? I thought this fella wanted to be with you and you only?? Did he confess to seeing someone esle? Or did you find him out? :noway:
He's been 100% honest with me. Pretty much his ex-girlfriend won't leave him alone. She shows up at his place and causes a scene. He is taking the easy road with her and has decided to "date" her until she moves in 3 months. Then the break will be cleaner. Whatever....I may not be around in 3 months. He has no balls when it comes to her....so I'm out ...but it was my decision. Like i said above, it is my decision if i want to sleep with someone that is sleeping with another and when it comes down to it, I'm a pathetic sharer! Pretty gutted too.
What a wimp! That's madness!! But I totally agree with your decision. I would not be sharing him........grrrrr!!
:flowerforyou:0 -
Bear in mind that this is gone beyond the 2 or 3 dates so inevitably, the sex is going to happen with both women.
Not a judgment on anyone else’s life choices, but this is exactly the kind of scenario that causes me to agree with the biblical standpoint of reserving sex for commitment. I cannot stomach the thought that a man I am having sex with is also having sex with someone else tomorrow night.
With honesty and open communication it is your choice if you have sex with the man or not. If he's having sex with someone else and you don't like it ....move on.
True... though the experience of my friends who do not wait for sex is that often guys are not honest and open about this issue. They find out the hard way that the man is also bedding others. This is not a slam on guys, as if all men are liars. It's just that sex doesn't seem to have the same emotional commitment meaning for the men my friends date as it does for my friends.0 -
Thanks to everyone for the replies. I'm not going to comment on everything written, obviously. In any case, my thoughts so far:
1 - Although I didn't want this to be about sex, I do recognize having sex with girl #1 is a big factor. And this is probably why I feel the need to quickly resolve this. While I sympathize with the argument that I've done nothing wrong, I'm just not the type to date two women at the same time for a long period of time, sex or no sex. Btw, I'm no puritan. I have no issue sleeping with many woman at the same time. But only if it's purely fun/sex, and absolutely clear to everyone that I'm not looking for a relationship. In this case, it's dating, a more serious relationship is implied (even though never directly stated), and so it just feels wrong.
2 - I like the 2-month deadline. I think that's quite fair. #1 is away now until the second week in January, so I'm spending a lot of time with #2 (just got back from a nice date, btw). I need to push things a bit to get to know her faster.
3 - I had sex with #1. She's 40, looks younger. She's perhaps not as attractive as #2 (still attractive, btw!), she has a great personality. She's Czech and speaks English well (lived in the US for a couple of years, her work language is English, etc.), she's super witty. When we're together, we switch in and out of both languages, sometimes in the same sentence, and it's fun. She takes quite a few digs at me - all in good fun - and I like that a lot. I really try not to take myself too seriously, and it's great having someone around who makes sure it doesn't happen. She's definitely more worldly than #1, more experienced, better traveled.
Girl #2 is the teacher, incredibly nice. She also speaks English, but we've always spoken Czech when we're together. Perhaps she's nervous a bit about speaking English with me, since she also teaches it to her students (too nervous to make mistakes)? She's around 35, very attractive. She had a long term relationship that ended about 6 months ago. I don't get the impression she's desperate, or on the rebound, etc. She's more conservative than #1, but not in the American sense of the word. She strikes me as someone who has not had many boyfriends in her life. She's more reserved, which is why it's harder to get to know her. I fear she wants to be in a more committed relationship with me before she opens up. And again, not talking about sex, just in general. I'm rather reserved, myself. We do laugh when we're together.
4 - As you can probably guess from previous posts, I'm not really into any "biblical" interpretations of sex, as there are many interpretations in the Bible, and believers just cherry pick whatever they want to support their current worldview. Abraham, for example, had kids with his wife, Sarah, and with his servant, Hagar. Biblical husbands owned their wives and daughters. Homosexuality is a sin, etc., etc. Still, I'm sympathetic to the point you're trying to make, and I'm definitely not comfortable with the current situation. I don't like dating two women at the same time, sex or no sex. Which, again, is why I probably wrote my original post. I'm trying to think this through to get to resolution quickly, and get as much feedback as possible.
5 - The idea that "women who sleep with men immediately aren't looking for a relationship" seems about as valid as "men who sleep with women immediately aren't looking for a relationship," i.e. a total generalization that is not really applicable to any specific situation.
6 - As a few people noted, these things oftentimes work themselves out. Perhaps I'll get "lucky" and one will dump me. :-) Perhaps one is seeing another guy in parallel, and she'll choose him... ;-) Who knows? Life is funny that way.
I welcome any more comments, constructive criticism, etc. I'll keep you updated!
Thanks again,
--P0 -
Sounds like you already 'know' which one you would like to choose.
On another note...
Is THIS what I have to look forward to when I FINALLY put myself out there???? SCARY!!!0 -
Deleted0
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I don't think you're in any wrong. I have multi dated and have been physical with 1 guy and not another. I think it depends on chemistry, the pace, etc.
I've been dating 1 guy now and I asked him "are you dating/ sleeping with other women?". I think if neither of these women are asking, well you're in the clear. If they have asked and you lied, that's a different story.
When things aren't talked about then you're not in the wrong. That's why it's soo important that I, as a woman, never assume.
I think it's important that you get to know them better as you obviously like them both. I've been lucky that when I was multi dating, 1 guy always stuck out more than the rest so I never faced this issue.
Good luck!0 -
I think it's unlikely you will be able to get closer to either woman unless you focus on them exclusively and that means making a choice.0
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Thanks to everyone for the replies. I'm not going to comment on everything written, obviously. In any case, my thoughts so far:
1 - Although I didn't want this to be about sex, I do recognize having sex with girl #1 is a big factor. And this is probably why I feel the need to quickly resolve this. While I sympathize with the argument that I've done nothing wrong, I'm just not the type to date two women at the same time for a long period of time, sex or no sex. Btw, I'm no puritan. I have no issue sleeping with many woman at the same time. But only if it's purely fun/sex, and absolutely clear to everyone that I'm not looking for a relationship. In this case, it's dating, a more serious relationship is implied (even though never directly stated), and so it just feels wrong.
2 - I like the 2-month deadline. I think that's quite fair. #1 is away now until the second week in January, so I'm spending a lot of time with #2 (just got back from a nice date, btw). I need to push things a bit to get to know her faster.
3 - I had sex with #1. She's 40, looks younger. She's perhaps not as attractive as #2 (still attractive, btw!), she has a great personality. She's Czech and speaks English well (lived in the US for a couple of years, her work language is English, etc.), she's super witty. When we're together, we switch in and out of both languages, sometimes in the same sentence, and it's fun. She takes quite a few digs at me - all in good fun - and I like that a lot. I really try not to take myself too seriously, and it's great having someone around who makes sure it doesn't happen. She's definitely more worldly than #1, more experienced, better traveled.
Girl #2 is the teacher, incredibly nice. She also speaks English, but we've always spoken Czech when we're together. Perhaps she's nervous a bit about speaking English with me, since she also teaches it to her students (too nervous to make mistakes)? She's around 35, very attractive. She had a long term relationship that ended about 6 months ago. I don't get the impression she's desperate, or on the rebound, etc. She's more conservative than #1, but not in the American sense of the word. She strikes me as someone who has not had many boyfriends in her life. She's more reserved, which is why it's harder to get to know her. I fear she wants to be in a more committed relationship with me before she opens up. And again, not talking about sex, just in general. I'm rather reserved, myself. We do laugh when we're together.
4 - As you can probably guess from previous posts, I'm not really into any "biblical" interpretations of sex, as there are many interpretations in the Bible, and believers just cherry pick whatever they want to support their current worldview. Abraham, for example, had kids with his wife, Sarah, and with his servant, Hagar. Biblical husbands owned their wives and daughters. Homosexuality is a sin, etc., etc. Still, I'm sympathetic to the point you're trying to make, and I'm definitely not comfortable with the current situation. I don't like dating two women at the same time, sex or no sex. Which, again, is why I probably wrote my original post. I'm trying to think this through to get to resolution quickly, and get as much feedback as possible.
5 - The idea that "women who sleep with men immediately aren't looking for a relationship" seems about as valid as "men who sleep with women immediately aren't looking for a relationship," i.e. a total generalization that is not really applicable to any specific situation.
6 - As a few people noted, these things oftentimes work themselves out. Perhaps I'll get "lucky" and one will dump me. :-) Perhaps one is seeing another guy in parallel, and she'll choose him... ;-) Who knows? Life is funny that way.
I welcome any more comments, constructive criticism, etc. I'll keep you updated!
Thanks again,
--P
For your next dates with each, what you do on your dates is going to be important. Don't just do dinner and a movie, or something like that. Plan dates so that you will get the information you need. For example, if you like the outdoors, and if finding a mate that likes the outdoors is important to you, plan a date doing something outdoors. That type of thing. Stay away from dates where you might be drinking too much, because that will cloud your judgement and you won't really get to know your date that way.
Good luck!!!0 -
Clearly this calls for a sex tie-breaker!0
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i agree with this, kinda.
if he slept with girl #1 on the first date, and then again on the third date, and she doesn't know he's dating anyone else, she could already be thinking he's NOT dating nor sleeping with anyone else. no one knows what SHE is thinking. and since he hasn't told her he's dating anyone else she might not think to ask.
which is why i said he should tell them both that he is indeed dating others. because girl #1 might care!!!! but, she might not. he'll only know if he tells her. neither of them are american, right? so maybe it's not a common question " are you sleeping with anyone else?" i don't know. but if he wants to be the stand up responsible guy he could just be honest with them both and then see what happens.
how did you meet them??
i know, since i'm doing the online thing, i ask if they are dating others, because i can see them on the site or know they've logged in etc. but, if i met them in person and we saw each other several times, i wouldn't necessarily think to ask.............I don't think you're in any wrong. I have multi dated and have been physical with 1 guy and not another. I think it depends on chemistry, the pace, etc.
I've been dating 1 guy now and I asked him "are you dating/ sleeping with other women?". I think if neither of these women are asking, well you're in the clear. If they have asked and you lied, that's a different story.
When things aren't talked about then you're not in the wrong. That's why it's soo important that I, as a woman, never assume.
I think it's important that you get to know them better as you obviously like them both. I've been lucky that when I was multi dating, 1 guy always stuck out more than the rest so I never faced this issue.
Good luck!0 -
i know, since i'm doing the online thing, i ask if they are dating others, because i can see them on the site or know they've logged in etc. but, if i met them in person and we saw each other several times, i wouldn't necessarily think to ask.............
Wait, so in an online context you will ask a guy if he is seeing other people even before you meet? I think it's safe to assume he is at the very least talking to multiple people, so this kind of questioning before meeting might feel suffocating to a guy. Thoughts?0 -
It's definitely girl #1 (the one I've already slept with, the one who is away now until January). I was out with girl #2 tonight and I had a very nice time, but I'm just not feeling it. She's younger, objectively more beautiful, and incredibly nice. But there's just no spark. I'm almost sure she thinks I'm gay now, as we've been out 4-5 times, and I've yet to try anything...
In any case, now I have another problem, and I need your help!
Girl #2 invited me over to her place for New Year's Eve. I said yes (literally 30 minutes ago, when we said goodnight). We're supposed to be at her apartment for dinner, probably going to stay there for the evening. Even though I accepted, I need to get out of this, and also tell her we should stop seeing each other. I know myself, if I'm at her place I'm definitely going to do something I'll later really, really regret... So how should I do this? Thoughts?
Thanks!
--P0 -
It's definitely girl #1 (the one I've already slept with, the one who is away now until January). I was out with girl #2 tonight and I had a very nice time, but I'm just not feeling it. She's younger, objectively more beautiful, and incredibly nice. But there's just no spark. I'm almost sure she thinks I'm gay now, as we've been out 4-5 times, and I've yet to try anything...
In any case, now I have another problem, and I need your help!
Girl #2 invited me over to her place for New Year's Eve. I said yes (literally 30 minutes ago, when we said goodnight). We're supposed to be at her apartment for dinner, probably going to stay there for the evening. Even though I accepted, I need to get out of this, and also tell her we should stop seeing each other. I know myself, if I'm at her place I'm definitely going to do something I'll later really, really regret... So how should I do this? Thoughts?
Thanks!
--P
In the immortal words of Phil from The Hangover 2....Phil: Stu, it's not the end of the world.
Alan: I'm sorry, but I am so confused!
Stu: I made love to a man with boobies!
Phil: Listen, I promise you no one's ever gonna find out about this.
Stu: But we just found out about it.
Phil: And then forget! That's what we do! I've done so much farked up *kitten*, then I just forget about it.
Stu: You have?
Phil: Yeah! You just forget. It goes away. That might be harder to go away. But in time it'll happen.
Just go with the flow then forget about it. :devil: :laugh:0 -
It's definitely girl #1 (the one I've already slept with, the one who is away now until January). I was out with girl #2 tonight and I had a very nice time, but I'm just not feeling it. She's younger, objectively more beautiful, and incredibly nice. But there's just no spark. I'm almost sure she thinks I'm gay now, as we've been out 4-5 times, and I've yet to try anything...
In any case, now I have another problem, and I need your help!
Girl #2 invited me over to her place for New Year's Eve. I said yes (literally 30 minutes ago, when we said goodnight). We're supposed to be at her apartment for dinner, probably going to stay there for the evening. Even though I accepted, I need to get out of this, and also tell her we should stop seeing each other. I know myself, if I'm at her place I'm definitely going to do something I'll later really, really regret... So how should I do this? Thoughts?
Thanks!
--P
First of all congrats on picking one (BTW I should have put money on it) Second text message is your friend. Do it tonight don't wait til Monday. Like a bandaid pull it off quick0 -
Yeah seriously, the sooner, the better. It will give her a few days to shake off the funk and get over it (whatever "it" was) then have an enjoyable NYE.0
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I agree with both above... "Thank you for the invite but I have to decline.... etc..."0
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Glad you picked one though
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It's definitely girl #1 (the one I've already slept with, the one who is away now until January). I was out with girl #2 tonight and I had a very nice time, but I'm just not feeling it. She's younger, objectively more beautiful, and incredibly nice. But there's just no spark. I'm almost sure she thinks I'm gay now, as we've been out 4-5 times, and I've yet to try anything...
In any case, now I have another problem, and I need your help!
Girl #2 invited me over to her place for New Year's Eve. I said yes (literally 30 minutes ago, when we said goodnight). We're supposed to be at her apartment for dinner, probably going to stay there for the evening. Even though I accepted, I need to get out of this, and also tell her we should stop seeing each other. I know myself, if I'm at her place I'm definitely going to do something I'll later really, really regret... So how should I do this? Thoughts?
Thanks!
--P
Well, if you're a decent guy (and I think you are, otherwise you wouldnt be asking) you just ring/text here tonight/tomorrow and say 'Sorry, something come up and I can't make it'. If you really have made you mind up, you could just be honest and say 'Sorry, but I'm not feeling it between us and dont want to take advantage of your kind invitation - take care and all the best for the new year'.
IOW Grow some!!
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IOW Grow some!!
I agree. Don't wait. do it now.0 -
Well, if you're a decent guy (and I think you are, otherwise you wouldnt be asking) you just ring/text here tonight/tomorrow and say 'Sorry, something come up and I can't make it'. If you really have made you mind up, you could just be honest and say 'Sorry, but I'm not feeling it between us and dont want to take advantage of your kind invitation - take care and all the best for the new year'.
IOW Grow some!!
Absolutely agree with Anna! And, glad to here that you've made a decision. Good luck! 0 -
It's definitely girl #1 (the one I've already slept with, the one who is away now until January). I was out with girl #2 tonight and I had a very nice time, but I'm just not feeling it. She's younger, objectively more beautiful, and incredibly nice. But there's just no spark. I'm almost sure she thinks I'm gay now, as we've been out 4-5 times, and I've yet to try anything...
In any case, now I have another problem, and I need your help!
Girl #2 invited me over to her place for New Year's Eve. I said yes (literally 30 minutes ago, when we said goodnight). We're supposed to be at her apartment for dinner, probably going to stay there for the evening. Even though I accepted, I need to get out of this, and also tell her we should stop seeing each other. I know myself, if I'm at her place I'm definitely going to do something I'll later really, really regret... So how should I do this? Thoughts?
Thanks!
--P
Definitely just man-up and tell her you can't be there on NYE and tell her you're sorry. You don't even have to make up an excuse. Lol on her thinking you're gay...we all know that's not the case!!0 -
i didn't say i'll ask them before we meet. i said since i'm online dating i will ask if they are because i know they're online, i can see it. if i were to meet the same person out, say at the gym, i'm not sure i would ask if they were dating others. because i wouldn't KNOW that they were looking still. does that make sense?i know, since i'm doing the online thing, i ask if they are dating others, because i can see them on the site or know they've logged in etc. but, if i met them in person and we saw each other several times, i wouldn't necessarily think to ask.............
Wait, so in an online context you will ask a guy if he is seeing other people even before you meet? I think it's safe to assume he is at the very least talking to multiple people, so this kind of questioning before meeting might feel suffocating to a guy. Thoughts?0 -
i say, since you went out 4-5 times, you call and not text that you don't want to see her anymore.
call her and tell her you aren't interested in dating her anymore. i mean, chose your words better than that, but just be honest.
why did you accept the invite if you weren't really interested in seeing her again????0
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