Coping.. what is helping me & may help u
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butterflies2323
Posts: 23
This group is great to have because we are a different type of people... I see message boards where people say "I lost my weight with the support of my wonderful husband.." and I wish I can say that. Im jealous. I want to share that I just got this book on amazon for $1, its called "Im grieving as fast as I can-how young widows and widowers can cope and heal" it is helping. When you experience a loss of any kind your spouse who is your best friend is whom should help you thru it, but when that person passes who do you turn to? In my life I have some wonderful friends and ironically it has been my friends that have been there more for me then some of my family, with the exception of my wonderful aunt who has been there. She literally picked me up off the ground.
Here I am 1 month and 5 days in my new life as a widow and this is what I am doing to cope and I hope this can help others:
1. Ignore stupid people- I have been told, "get over it," "your still crying?" "oh you to were only married 6 years, your young you will move on" (side-note, am I suppose to be at the club a week later just because Im 29? No absolutely not!!!). When all else fails ignore the stupid people and don't take their calls. I say you never know how strong you are until you become a widow.
2. Get out of bed-especially if you have kids (This should probably be number 1)
3. Brush your teeth and comb your hair (This may sound like an odd one, but when I lost Jason, for 3 days I didnt move off the couch, except when I went to the funeral home in my PJs) Tell yourself, just get out of bed, ok now im out of bed, take a shower, ok i took a shower, now put on normal clothes
4. Cry, cry, cry, DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL U NOT TO CRY!!
5. Find support Ive talked to friends from high school, other widows, Call a 1-800. Ill come back on monday and post the number I used. But its 24/7. So at 3 am when your breaking down because your husband isn't next to you, call a stranger. Sounds crazy.. but IT HELPS!!
6. SAVE UR HUSBANDS BELONGINGS! Ok, this one is personal perference, but my husbands clothes and shoes are still in the closet, his beer is still in the fridge. Ive been told to donate his stuff, no, im not going to, ill save it for my daughter when she is older (minus the beer). BUT if donating his stuff makes u feel better do it, All Im saying is do not feel pressure, it is better to take years to decide then to get rid of his clothes and regret it.
7. We are all widows, but I have found a big difference in older widows and young widows. I find myself actually jealous of older widows, I was married 6 years, they were maried 40 years.
8. Feeling saddness, grief, anger, guilty is NORMAL.... I admit I even got mad at my husband for dying! How crazy is that? I got mad that I have to raise my daughter on my own, then I feel guilty for being mad at him. I found this is normal.
9. I explained heaven is in the sky and at night when we want to talk to daddy look at the moon. Is this healthy or normal? I dont know but its working for us. My daughter released balloons so her daddy could get them in heaven... again, is this healthy or normal? i dont know but it made her smile. Find what works for you and your kids. Their is no such thing as a right or wrong way. I told my daughter "daddy had to go help grandpa in heaven. He did not want to go, but he had to go."
10. I watch the show "Long Island Medium," now this is def personal perference. I believe in this woman, if others do not, that is ok. She says our loved ones are all around us always.. so when Im alone, I talk outloud to my husband.
11. Change the Routine: Instead of picking my husband up from work, I now go to the gym everyday. We always went to Food Lion, I now grocery shop at Walmart
12. Find other people as inspiration: Abby Rike from Biggest Loser lost her husband, 5 yr old daughter and 2 week old son in a car accident, after she lost 100 lbs, she found her strength to go on..... Your husband isn't here but theirs a reason you are.
13. Think of positives you do have in your life. My husband is passed away, but my daughter is healthy. Theirs a widow somewhere in this world that has a sick child. Is your car crappy? Right now theirs a widow who doesn't even have a car.
14. Write your bucket list, anything in the world you ever wanted to do... write it down, make a plan, and make it happen. Life is short.
15. Cry when the kids are not around.. go to the bathroom if you must. While its good to let your kids know its ok to cry, they need to see their mother strong, it helps in their healing. Then in their mind they believe mommy is ok.
16. This one I havent started yet, but find a group for your kids to go to for children whos parent passed away. Hospice has them. I have to wait another year because my daughter isn't 5 yet.
17. I am putting my daughter in martial arts so it gives us something to do and keeps us busy
18. Check with your local Hospice they provide free counselors, talk to someone, and while you may feel like you do not want to go on anymore... you must. You need to be here for your children, suicide is not the answer. Period. Losing one parent is hard enough, don't let your kids lose both of them.
19. Do not be ashamed to tell people your husband passed away. This helps avoid the weird looks you get at the check out when you suddenly start crying because you saw a picture in your purse as you reached for your debit card.
20. Talk about your husband to your kids. I found this helps them. Every night my daughter and I talk about our fav things about her daddy. And she smiles.
I hope all this information can help you. Its not a guide of what to do, or what not to do, but its working for me... please feel free to share what is working for you.
Here I am 1 month and 5 days in my new life as a widow and this is what I am doing to cope and I hope this can help others:
1. Ignore stupid people- I have been told, "get over it," "your still crying?" "oh you to were only married 6 years, your young you will move on" (side-note, am I suppose to be at the club a week later just because Im 29? No absolutely not!!!). When all else fails ignore the stupid people and don't take their calls. I say you never know how strong you are until you become a widow.
2. Get out of bed-especially if you have kids (This should probably be number 1)
3. Brush your teeth and comb your hair (This may sound like an odd one, but when I lost Jason, for 3 days I didnt move off the couch, except when I went to the funeral home in my PJs) Tell yourself, just get out of bed, ok now im out of bed, take a shower, ok i took a shower, now put on normal clothes
4. Cry, cry, cry, DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL U NOT TO CRY!!
5. Find support Ive talked to friends from high school, other widows, Call a 1-800. Ill come back on monday and post the number I used. But its 24/7. So at 3 am when your breaking down because your husband isn't next to you, call a stranger. Sounds crazy.. but IT HELPS!!
6. SAVE UR HUSBANDS BELONGINGS! Ok, this one is personal perference, but my husbands clothes and shoes are still in the closet, his beer is still in the fridge. Ive been told to donate his stuff, no, im not going to, ill save it for my daughter when she is older (minus the beer). BUT if donating his stuff makes u feel better do it, All Im saying is do not feel pressure, it is better to take years to decide then to get rid of his clothes and regret it.
7. We are all widows, but I have found a big difference in older widows and young widows. I find myself actually jealous of older widows, I was married 6 years, they were maried 40 years.
8. Feeling saddness, grief, anger, guilty is NORMAL.... I admit I even got mad at my husband for dying! How crazy is that? I got mad that I have to raise my daughter on my own, then I feel guilty for being mad at him. I found this is normal.
9. I explained heaven is in the sky and at night when we want to talk to daddy look at the moon. Is this healthy or normal? I dont know but its working for us. My daughter released balloons so her daddy could get them in heaven... again, is this healthy or normal? i dont know but it made her smile. Find what works for you and your kids. Their is no such thing as a right or wrong way. I told my daughter "daddy had to go help grandpa in heaven. He did not want to go, but he had to go."
10. I watch the show "Long Island Medium," now this is def personal perference. I believe in this woman, if others do not, that is ok. She says our loved ones are all around us always.. so when Im alone, I talk outloud to my husband.
11. Change the Routine: Instead of picking my husband up from work, I now go to the gym everyday. We always went to Food Lion, I now grocery shop at Walmart
12. Find other people as inspiration: Abby Rike from Biggest Loser lost her husband, 5 yr old daughter and 2 week old son in a car accident, after she lost 100 lbs, she found her strength to go on..... Your husband isn't here but theirs a reason you are.
13. Think of positives you do have in your life. My husband is passed away, but my daughter is healthy. Theirs a widow somewhere in this world that has a sick child. Is your car crappy? Right now theirs a widow who doesn't even have a car.
14. Write your bucket list, anything in the world you ever wanted to do... write it down, make a plan, and make it happen. Life is short.
15. Cry when the kids are not around.. go to the bathroom if you must. While its good to let your kids know its ok to cry, they need to see their mother strong, it helps in their healing. Then in their mind they believe mommy is ok.
16. This one I havent started yet, but find a group for your kids to go to for children whos parent passed away. Hospice has them. I have to wait another year because my daughter isn't 5 yet.
17. I am putting my daughter in martial arts so it gives us something to do and keeps us busy
18. Check with your local Hospice they provide free counselors, talk to someone, and while you may feel like you do not want to go on anymore... you must. You need to be here for your children, suicide is not the answer. Period. Losing one parent is hard enough, don't let your kids lose both of them.
19. Do not be ashamed to tell people your husband passed away. This helps avoid the weird looks you get at the check out when you suddenly start crying because you saw a picture in your purse as you reached for your debit card.
20. Talk about your husband to your kids. I found this helps them. Every night my daughter and I talk about our fav things about her daddy. And she smiles.
I hope all this information can help you. Its not a guide of what to do, or what not to do, but its working for me... please feel free to share what is working for you.
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