Are kids an excuse?

dbrightwell1270

I was thinking this morning that I see all these profiles from women about how their kids are there number 1 priority. It sounds great and I can see it for younger children but I also recall being a kid myself. My parents would take me and my brother to this practice or that one and would attend alomst all of the games. However, once we reached a certain age of around 12 or so, we got dropped off at practice and they left. Most of the parents were the same way. It was fairly common for a car pool situation where most parents weren't there after practice either. One or two dad's would stick around and semi-coach and a few more would show up for the last 20-30 minutes of practice and do the "that's my boy" variation of the measuring stick game. I rarely recall seeing a mom at or after a practice.

I realize that having a car pool system and leaving the kids to practice gives time for other things like making meals, cleaning, shopping etc. but once we reached about the same age, my brother and I had to do a lot of cleaning ourselves (or we got yelled at about it and it stayed dirty in a test of wills.) and cooked things like frozen pizzas and burgers.

So a couple of possibilities: Have things changed that much? Did my friends and I have lousy neglectful parents? Are the kids an excuse? Are these women using the kids to fulfill something that is missing as a result of their divorce? other possibilities?

MissingMinnesota

I was thinking this morning that I see all these profiles from women about how their kids are there number 1 priority. It sounds great and I can see it for younger children but I also recall being a kid myself. My parents would take me and my brother to this practice or that one and would attend alomst all of the games. However, once we reached a certain age of around 12 or so, we got dropped off at practice and they left. Most of the parents were the same way. It was fairly common for a car pool situation where most parents weren't there after practice either. One or two dad's would stick around and semi-coach and a few more would show up for the last 20-30 minutes of practice and do the "that's my boy" variation of the measuring stick game. I rarely recall seeing a mom at or after a practice.

I realize that having a car pool system and leaving the kids to practice gives time for other things like making meals, cleaning, shopping etc. but once we reached about the same age, my brother and I had to do a lot of cleaning ourselves (or we got yelled at about it and it stayed dirty in a test of wills.) and cooked things like frozen pizzas and burgers.

So a couple of possibilities: Have things changed that much? Did my friends and I have lousy neglectful parents? Are the kids an excuse? Are these women using the kids to fulfill something that is missing as a result of their divorce? other possibilities?

The same goes with single dads I see. But things have changed. The US has become a scared country. Everyone is afraid their kid is going to be the 1 out of 1000 that will be kidnapped. Remember we used to be able to ride bikes without helmets also. Parents I know today wouldn't allow their 13 to stay home alone much less baby sit like I did since I was 11. Also their are more single parents so they have to give more time and can't give the child to the other parent to watch while they do something.

MikeM53082

Sounds like you and I have had identical childhoods. I think times have changed a little bit, we live in a more paranoid age with helicopter parents who try to protect their little ones from anything remotely bad.

In regards to women mentioning this in their dating profile, it's pretty simple. Women can use their kids as a built-in excuse if they get cold feet before meeting you or just want to flake out. If they ever use their kids as an excuse, there's a very good chance she's too much of a coward to tell you she isn't interested directly. And you (as a man) would look like a complete jerk if you call her out on this. In my opinion, women who use their kids as a reason to flake out is about as low as you can go.

Granted, I'm sure there are those times when Little Johnny comes down with the flu and can't be left alone. However, in my experience with having friends who are single mothers, using their kids as an excuse is much more common.

Just speaking from personal experience, I'm sure others can provide different insight.

DMZ_1

In regards to women mentioning this in their dating profile, it's pretty simple. Women can use their kids as a built-in excuse if they get cold feet before meeting you or just want to flake out. If they ever use their kids as an excuse, there's a very good chance she's too much of a coward to tell you she isn't interested directly. And you (as a man) would look like a complete jerk if you call her out on this. In my opinion, women who use their kids as a reason to flake out is about as low as you can go.

Quite true. A lot of this depends on the format of meeting. If a man meets a woman either through online dating or typical bar nights, she has a much greater risk of find an excuse or any bull**** excuse to back out. Women do this because these channels are frictionless markets. Women would be far less likely to do this with a friend of friend network acquaintance, because there is a greater risk of social consequence for being called out on their bull**** within their immediate social circles.

farmers_daughter

I don't plaster all over my profile that my kids are my number one priority (call me horrible or whatever) but I've found that some, NOT ALL, moms that do that are insecure about thier parenting abilities in the first place, it's a given in my house, I'm a mom, I am not a soccer mom however, my kids don't do alot of sports and such because if they can't participate in at least 50% of the games etc, it's a waste of money/time. I sleep in on Saturday mornings, this is a rule, the kids know it, they get thier own snacks and turn the TV on until I get up around 8. It's fine, the house hasn't burned down yet.

Here's my kicker, I have zero family around, I have a few sitters now and then but my life persay has to be semi planned... I love doing things on a whim,but when it comes to kids and introducing them to a new guy, that's a no fly zone for me. I have to have someone to watch them, you aren't going to see them for a while. Now keep in mind, every other weekend, from Friday night to Sunday afternoon, take me away and do compeletely unedited horrible non mommy things to me. That is your dedicated absolute time to spend with me. If you waste that time. Your problem not mine.

The one thing I've found that super pisses me off...is guys with no kids that expects on a random Tuesday night for me to drop everything and go do XYZ, or catch a little nookie.
I tell them on the first date that this is not an option, and if it's a deal breaker it's a deal breaker. Sorry, I don't have time to listen to you whine about how "I'm not putting you first and that if I'm not willing to do that then I'm not into you" If I hear that phrase again I may unfortunatley punch that manchild in the throat.

It's a matter of I am a good mother and I'm not going to have my kids believing that our house is a revolving door for strange guys. I know that it's like for them to ask "Where did Tom go?" "Did he not like us"

No man is worth that.
Ever.
Said this mom.

My two cents worth.

christine24t

Kids are definitely raised different these days, but I don't think it's a bad thing.

My dad was allowed to bike all around town in the summer, often extensive mileage. If he needed a ride somewhere tough luck and when he came home nobody questioned where he was. If he was sick, his mom would check on him every few hours (in contrast, my mom sets me up nice in my room, makes me what I want, etc.). This seemed to be the same for his friends as well.

I was allowed to go to the park by myself and after a couple hours my mom would walk down and say hi. We could bike to middle school alone. We could bike around but we were expected to check in via pay phone.

There is a big difference between neglect and helicopter parenting.

Example: most 12 year olds can stay home alone for the night while mom and dad are out on a date. But a 12 year old shouldn't be home alone for 2 days while mom and dad go to the cabin for the weekend.

It's all about balance.

If you choose to date a parent, you have to realize that they need to be there for their children many times, but dbright you are right - they don't need to attend every soccer practice.

Jennifer2387

First off .. this topic annoys me to no end ..

Up until this year, my son participated in sports that were not run through the school district. Therefore you had to take your child to the practice, stay there and then bring them home. When you sign them up, it is stated that you must remain at the practice. When the kids start playing sports through the school district then practice is right after school and there is busing home.

So, when the kids are younger .. the parent has to be the bus. Now that my son is older I have a lot more free time. I remember babysitting when I was 13 .. there is no way in HELL I would let my son be in charge of someone else's kids right now ..lol. I actually can't believe that I was in charge on three children at one time when I was 13! Crazy.

I have used my son as an excuse for not going out with someone before... but a lot of the time it is the truth. But I have also used all other kinds of excuses as well.

If you don't have a kid .. you will never ever never understand.

kristen6022

I don't have kids so I'll never understand - I'm just going by past experience here.

I dated a 30 year old man with twin 8 year old boys that he had custody of (the mother got them every other weekend, unless the weekend didn't work and he took them, she was a PIA). Even on weekends he didn't have the kids he'd use them to get out of doing stuff. His ex (after we had made reservations and plans to be out of town on Valentines Day) decided last minute she couldn't possibility take them. Instead of saying "tough, it's your weekend, I have plans", he caved and she won. Now, I understand that taking care of your children is more important than Valentines Day with your 3 month girlfriend, but I have a feeling he'd rather have the kids and that's why he took them and ruined our plans. That was pretty much the last time I saw him. It was about the 5th time he used them as an excuse.

Which is pretty much why I'll never date a guy with kids again.

MikeM53082

I don't have kids so I'll never understand - I'm just going by past experience here.

I dated a 30 year old man with twin 8 year old boys that he had custody of (the mother got them every other weekend, unless the weekend didn't work and he took them, she was a PIA). Even on weekends he didn't have the kids he'd use them to get out of doing stuff. His ex (after we had made reservations and plans to be out of town on Valentines Day) decided last minute she couldn't possibility take them. Instead of saying "tough, it's your weekend, I have plans", he caved and she won. Now, I understand that taking care of your children is more important than Valentines Day with your 3 month girlfriend, but I have a feeling he'd rather have the kids and that's why he took them and ruined our plans. That was pretty much the last time I saw him. It was about the 5th time he used them as an excuse.

Which is pretty much why I'll never date a guy with kids again.

This is interesting. I'm wondering if he ever took the kids (or just said he did) on Valentines Day. Did he use that as an excuse to not go out for V-Day? That would turn me off to dating someone with kids as well.

kristen6022

I don't have kids so I'll never understand - I'm just going by past experience here.

I dated a 30 year old man with twin 8 year old boys that he had custody of (the mother got them every other weekend, unless the weekend didn't work and he took them, she was a PIA). Even on weekends he didn't have the kids he'd use them to get out of doing stuff. His ex (after we had made reservations and plans to be out of town on Valentines Day) decided last minute she couldn't possibility take them. Instead of saying "tough, it's your weekend, I have plans", he caved and she won. Now, I understand that taking care of your children is more important than Valentines Day with your 3 month girlfriend, but I have a feeling he'd rather have the kids and that's why he took them and ruined our plans. That was pretty much the last time I saw him. It was about the 5th time he used them as an excuse.

Which is pretty much why I'll never date a guy with kids again.

This is interesting. I'm wondering if he ever took the kids (or just said he did) on Valentines Day. Did he use that as an excuse to not go out for V-Day? That would turn me off to dating someone with kids as well.

I have no idea if he had them that weekend or not. I got mad and broke up with him over the phone when he told me. He tried to get me back after that with texts/e-mails but I told him to stay away from me (I'm a *itch when it comes to break ups, it's over, so don't even contact me). After that, I really didn't care if he lied or not. But I'm pretty sure he did.

Jennifer2387

See .. you are right you don't understand. Especially when you are divorced and have shared custody. To me, if my ex can't take him .. I have him. I won't make my kid be stuck with a babysitter because his dad is an @sshat. It's not an excuse. It's reality. If you are a good parent that is. I will choose my kid over any 3 month old boyfriend.

Moe4572

I don't have kids, but I DO get it.

My last bf had 2 kids....he had shared custody when we started, then shortly after, his daughter decided she wanted to live with him-she did still spend 2 nights a week with her mom. However, he had many nights that he had to take her here, there or everywhere. She was almost 15 and had a boyfriend, so she would go to his house and he would drive one way and the parents would drive the other way as neither had a license yet. He rarely cancelled plans due to "dad" responsibilities, but since she was older, I met her early on and often went with him to pick her up/drop her off, etc.

I don't think all or even many single moms or dads use the kids (though of course some do) as an excuse.....I think it is usually valid.

farmers_daughter

This will always and forever be a very heated "I'm staying on my side of the fence" debate. :flowerforyou:

jenbit

I do have kids and I mention them in my profile. However I have never cancelled a date because of my children or used them as an excuse. Anyone I go out with will not be meeting them right away and if you are lucky enough to get into my bed, you will be gone before they wake up. The only time you get to sleep over is if they aren't home. I explain it very nicely but the bottom line is my daughter is 9 she is at the age where she doesn't need the impression. I am also lucky enough to have a split schedule with my ex so I can date alot.

RunIntheMud

I really think it depends on the person and the situation. There are things to take into consideration such as the kids' ages, whether there is shared custody, if there is other family in the area, etc. All I can share is my personal views and history.

I have two kids and we've been on our own for almost 5 years. In the beginning it was very hard to get out. I have sole custody and no family around. Do you realize it costs $10+/hr for a babysitter? A Friday night out was a $50 expense....add to that 2 nights for 3 hours or so and that's $60 more. You're looking at $110/week for babysitters alone. Then you don't want to be a mooch and have the guy pay for everything, so you start alternating costs of dates and it gets to be very expensive for a single parent to date. Many men don't factor that into the equation. We value our time and like to make the most of it.

My son now babysits, which is wonderful and gives me the time to get out. However, if you call me at 5pm and say you really want to go out at 8pm, I might be able to, but don't be disappointed if I decline. Likewise, even though I have a wonderful network of friends that has and will help me out, overnights and weekend trips are few and far between.

Kids' sporting events....both of mine play baseball. My daughter's practice runs an hour and I'm expected to be there for it. My son's practice runs 2-3 hours and it's "highly encouraged" that I am there. There have been times where I've dropped my daughter with a friend and run some errands during this time. But, I am present at 99% of his practices. Why? Because his father isn't. I am not only mom to these kids, I am mom and dad.

I dated a man with 2 kids. Loved him to death and we could have made it work, but he had some other issues he didn't work out until after we broke up. Anyway.... he had shared custody. When he had his kids, no problem, we all had dinner and did "family" type things. When he didn't have his kids, we would have our date nights. His ex was definitely a problem, though. She would call the kids while we were in the middle of fun things (like the zoo or amusement parks). It would make them feel guilty and change the tone of the day. He addresed the phone calls after seeing it was a continuous thing and it stopped. She'd change plans last minute, where he'd have the kids on days where we were supposed to have a date. We didn't address that, because we both agreed that it was better to have the kids around than not. He was also a cop, though which made hiim ultra-protective over the kids. He wouldn't let them stay home alone (even though they were 15 & 9).

So, long rambling, but it depends on the person and relationship. Stop generalizing everyone based on one experience or what you *think* might happen.

jenbit

See .. you are right you don't understand. Especially when you are divorced and have shared custody. To me, if my ex can't take him .. I have him. I won't make my kid be stuck with a babysitter because his dad is an @sshat. It's not an excuse. It's reality. If you are a good parent that is. I will choose my kid over any 3 month old boyfriend.

See I'm different. I mean my sister and roommate are my sitters if not my ex MIL. But once the kids are asleep I don't see what the issue is with going out. Its not like they ever even know I'm gone. Also since my sitters are family and they live with me its no biggie for me to ask my sister to watch them once they are asleep and go out for a few hours.

kristen6022

I didn't mean to ruffle feathers here. I'm just saying from my point of view as a single, non-child having person. I'm not saying that people with kids are all the same. I'm saying that this particular one tended on the "@sshat" side. I'm selfish (hence why I'm 34 and don't have/want kids) and when I'm in a relationship with someone I want to be top priority at least some of the time. With kids, I know I'll never been top priority, which is why I made the decision for myself to not date men with kids.

christine24t

See .. you are right you don't understand. Especially when you are divorced and have shared custody. To me, if my ex can't take him .. I have him. I won't make my kid be stuck with a babysitter because his dad is an @sshat. It's not an excuse. It's reality. If you are a good parent that is. I will choose my kid over any 3 month old boyfriend.

See I'm different. I mean my sister and roommate are my sitters if not my ex MIL. But once the kids are asleep I don't see what the issue is with going out. Its not like they ever even know I'm gone. Also since my sitters are family and they live with me its no biggie for me to ask my sister to watch them once they are asleep and go out for a few hours.

I think your two situations are different. I get the impression that if Jennifer's ex bails on their son, she doesn't want her son to think she doesn't care and that her son ruined her plans, so she'll choose her son over a date which I think is the right thing. Versus Jen who isn't choosing a date over her kids, as the kids are asleep. If Jen was getting babysitters all the time when they were awake its different.

jenbit

See .. you are right you don't understand. Especially when you are divorced and have shared custody. To me, if my ex can't take him .. I have him. I won't make my kid be stuck with a babysitter because his dad is an @sshat. It's not an excuse. It's reality. If you are a good parent that is. I will choose my kid over any 3 month old boyfriend.

See I'm different. I mean my sister and roommate are my sitters if not my ex MIL. But once the kids are asleep I don't see what the issue is with going out. Its not like they ever even know I'm gone. Also since my sitters are family and they live with me its no biggie for me to ask my sister to watch them once they are asleep and go out for a few hours.

I think your two situations are different. I get the impression that if Jennifer's ex bails on their son, she doesn't want her son to think she doesn't care and that her son ruined her plans, so she'll choose her son over a date which I think is the right thing. Versus Jen who isn't choosing a date over her kids, as the kids are asleep. If Jen was getting babysitters all the time when they were awake its different.

LOL you know this whole comparison would be much better if we didn't have the same name lol

christine24t

See .. you are right you don't understand. Especially when you are divorced and have shared custody. To me, if my ex can't take him .. I have him. I won't make my kid be stuck with a babysitter because his dad is an @sshat. It's not an excuse. It's reality. If you are a good parent that is. I will choose my kid over any 3 month old boyfriend.

See I'm different. I mean my sister and roommate are my sitters if not my ex MIL. But once the kids are asleep I don't see what the issue is with going out. Its not like they ever even know I'm gone. Also since my sitters are family and they live with me its no biggie for me to ask my sister to watch them once they are asleep and go out for a few hours.

I think your two situations are different. I get the impression that if Jennifer's ex bails on their son, she doesn't want her son to think she doesn't care and that her son ruined her plans, so she'll choose her son over a date which I think is the right thing. Versus Jen who isn't choosing a date over her kids, as the kids are asleep. If Jen was getting babysitters all the time when they were awake its different.

LOL you know this whole comparison would be much better if we didn't have the same name lol

Haha I tried to distinguish.

MissingMinnesota

See .. you are right you don't understand. Especially when you are divorced and have shared custody. To me, if my ex can't take him .. I have him. I won't make my kid be stuck with a babysitter because his dad is an @sshat. It's not an excuse. It's reality. If you are a good parent that is. I will choose my kid over any 3 month old boyfriend.

See I'm different. I mean my sister and roommate are my sitters if not my ex MIL. But once the kids are asleep I don't see what the issue is with going out. Its not like they ever even know I'm gone. Also since my sitters are family and they live with me its no biggie for me to ask my sister to watch them once they are asleep and go out for a few hours.

Jen I think you are the exception to the rule. It is almost comparing apples to oranges in this case. If you take a single mother without much family in the area, that lives by herself with her kid(s) and try and compare them to your situation where you pretty much have constant adult supervision living in the house. I think you are lucky to have the others to help you out and are in more of an ideal situation.