Relationship Secrets For Sensitive people
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Yanicka1
Posts: 4,564 Member
Wow....and I was thinking I was the only one. This explain so much
http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/relationship-secrets-for-sensitive-people-why-emotional-empaths-stay-lonely-or-alone/
Loneliness gets to some more than others. But why it hangs on isn’t always apparent when read by traditional medical eyes. As a psychiatrist in Los Angeles and in my workshops I’ve been struck by how many sensitive, empathic people who I call “emotional empaths” come to me, lonely, wanting a romantic partner, yet remaining single for years. Or else they’re in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isn’t simply that “there aren’t enough emotionally available people ‘out there,’” nor is their burnout “neurotic.” Personally and professionally, I’ve discovered that something more is going on.
In “Emotional Freedom” I describe empaths as a species unto themselves. Whereas others may thrive on the togetherness of being a couple, for empaths like me, too much togetherness can be difficult, may cause us to bolt. Why? We tend to intuit and absorb our partner’s energy, and become overloaded, anxious, or exhausted when we don’t have time to decompress in our own space. We’re super-responders; our sensory experience of relationship is the equivalent of feeling objects with fifty fingers instead of five. Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down they’re afraid of getting engulfed. Or else, they feel engulfed when coupled, a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live. If this isn’t understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely; we want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesn’t feel safe. One empath-patient told me, “It helps explain why at thirty-two I’ve only had two serious relationships, each lasting less than a year.” Once we empaths learn to set boundaries and negotiate our energetic preferences, intimacy becomes possible.
For emotional empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for coupling must be redefined. Most of all, this means asserting your personal space needs — the physical and time limits you set with someone so you don’t feel they’re on top of you. Empaths can’t fully experience emotional freedom with another until they do this. Your space needs can vary with your situation, upbringing, and culture. My ideal distance to keep in public is at least an arm’s length. In doctors’ waiting rooms I’ll pile my purse and folders on the seats beside me to keep others away. With friends it’s about half that. With a mate it’s variable. Sometimes it’s rapture being wrapped in his arms; later I may need to be in a room of my own, shut away. One boyfriend who truly grasped the concept got me a “Keep Out” sign for my study door! For me, this was a sign of true love.
All of us have an invisible energetic border that sets a comfort level. Identifying and communicating yours will prevent you from being bled dry by others. Then intimacy can flourish, even if you’ve felt suffocated before. Prospective mates or family members may seem like emotional vampires when you don’t know how to broach the issue of personal space. You may need to educate others — make clear that this isn’t about not loving them — but get the discussion going. Once you can, you’re able to build progressive relationships.
If you’re an empath or if the ordinary expectations of coupledom don’t jibe with you, practice the following tips.
DEFINE YOUR PERSONAL SPACE NEEDS.
Tips for empaths to feel at ease in a relationship:
Tip 1. What to say to a potential mate.
As you’re getting to know someone, share that you’re a sensitive person, that you periodically need quiet time. The right partner will be understanding; the wrong person will put you down for being “overly sensitive,” won’t respect your need.
Tip 2. Clarify your preferred sleep style.
Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal; they just like their own sleep space. Speak up about your preferences. Feeling trapped in bed with someone, not getting a good night’s rest, is torture. Energy fields blend during sleep, which can overstimulate empaths. So, discuss options with your mate. Separate beds. Separate rooms. Sleeping together a few nights a week. Because non-empaths may feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.
Tip 3. Negotiate your square footage needs.
You may be thrilled about your beloved until you live together. Experiment with creative living conditions so your home isn’t a prison. Breathing room is mandatory. Ask yourself, “What space arrangements are optimal?” Having an area to retreat to, even if it’s a closet? A room divider? Separate bathrooms? Separate houses? I prefer having my own bedroom/office to retreat to. I also can see the beauty of separate wings or adjacent houses if affordable. Here’s why: conversations, scents, coughing, movement can feel intrusive. Even if my partner’s vibes are sublime, sometimes I’d rather not sense them even if they’re only hovering near me. I’m not just being finicky; it’s about maintaining well-being if I live with someone.
Tip 4. Travel wisely.
Traveling with someone, you may want to have separate space too. Whether my companion is romantic or not, I’ll always have adjoining rooms with my own bathroom. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help. “Out of sight” may make the heart grow fonder.
Tip 5. Take regular mini-breaks.
Empaths require private downtime to regroup. Even a brief escape prevents emotional overload. Retreat for five minutes into the bathroom with the door shut. Take a stroll around the block. Read in a separate room. One patient told her boyfriend, “I need to disappear into a quiet room for ten minutes at a party, even if I’m having fun,” a form of self-care that he supports.
In my medical practice, I’ve seen this creative approach to relationships save marriages and make ongoing intimacies feel safe, even for emotional empaths (of all ages) who’ve been lonely and haven’t had a long-term partner before. Once you’re able to articulate your needs, emotional freedom in your relationships is possible.
___
Judith Orloff MD is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011), upon which this excerpt is based. An Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry UCLA, Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, subtle energy, and spirituality. For Judith’s workshop schedule, free articles, videos and more inspiration visit www.drjudithorloff.com
http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/relationship-secrets-for-sensitive-people-why-emotional-empaths-stay-lonely-or-alone/
Loneliness gets to some more than others. But why it hangs on isn’t always apparent when read by traditional medical eyes. As a psychiatrist in Los Angeles and in my workshops I’ve been struck by how many sensitive, empathic people who I call “emotional empaths” come to me, lonely, wanting a romantic partner, yet remaining single for years. Or else they’re in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isn’t simply that “there aren’t enough emotionally available people ‘out there,’” nor is their burnout “neurotic.” Personally and professionally, I’ve discovered that something more is going on.
In “Emotional Freedom” I describe empaths as a species unto themselves. Whereas others may thrive on the togetherness of being a couple, for empaths like me, too much togetherness can be difficult, may cause us to bolt. Why? We tend to intuit and absorb our partner’s energy, and become overloaded, anxious, or exhausted when we don’t have time to decompress in our own space. We’re super-responders; our sensory experience of relationship is the equivalent of feeling objects with fifty fingers instead of five. Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down they’re afraid of getting engulfed. Or else, they feel engulfed when coupled, a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live. If this isn’t understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely; we want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesn’t feel safe. One empath-patient told me, “It helps explain why at thirty-two I’ve only had two serious relationships, each lasting less than a year.” Once we empaths learn to set boundaries and negotiate our energetic preferences, intimacy becomes possible.
For emotional empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for coupling must be redefined. Most of all, this means asserting your personal space needs — the physical and time limits you set with someone so you don’t feel they’re on top of you. Empaths can’t fully experience emotional freedom with another until they do this. Your space needs can vary with your situation, upbringing, and culture. My ideal distance to keep in public is at least an arm’s length. In doctors’ waiting rooms I’ll pile my purse and folders on the seats beside me to keep others away. With friends it’s about half that. With a mate it’s variable. Sometimes it’s rapture being wrapped in his arms; later I may need to be in a room of my own, shut away. One boyfriend who truly grasped the concept got me a “Keep Out” sign for my study door! For me, this was a sign of true love.
All of us have an invisible energetic border that sets a comfort level. Identifying and communicating yours will prevent you from being bled dry by others. Then intimacy can flourish, even if you’ve felt suffocated before. Prospective mates or family members may seem like emotional vampires when you don’t know how to broach the issue of personal space. You may need to educate others — make clear that this isn’t about not loving them — but get the discussion going. Once you can, you’re able to build progressive relationships.
If you’re an empath or if the ordinary expectations of coupledom don’t jibe with you, practice the following tips.
DEFINE YOUR PERSONAL SPACE NEEDS.
Tips for empaths to feel at ease in a relationship:
Tip 1. What to say to a potential mate.
As you’re getting to know someone, share that you’re a sensitive person, that you periodically need quiet time. The right partner will be understanding; the wrong person will put you down for being “overly sensitive,” won’t respect your need.
Tip 2. Clarify your preferred sleep style.
Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal; they just like their own sleep space. Speak up about your preferences. Feeling trapped in bed with someone, not getting a good night’s rest, is torture. Energy fields blend during sleep, which can overstimulate empaths. So, discuss options with your mate. Separate beds. Separate rooms. Sleeping together a few nights a week. Because non-empaths may feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.
Tip 3. Negotiate your square footage needs.
You may be thrilled about your beloved until you live together. Experiment with creative living conditions so your home isn’t a prison. Breathing room is mandatory. Ask yourself, “What space arrangements are optimal?” Having an area to retreat to, even if it’s a closet? A room divider? Separate bathrooms? Separate houses? I prefer having my own bedroom/office to retreat to. I also can see the beauty of separate wings or adjacent houses if affordable. Here’s why: conversations, scents, coughing, movement can feel intrusive. Even if my partner’s vibes are sublime, sometimes I’d rather not sense them even if they’re only hovering near me. I’m not just being finicky; it’s about maintaining well-being if I live with someone.
Tip 4. Travel wisely.
Traveling with someone, you may want to have separate space too. Whether my companion is romantic or not, I’ll always have adjoining rooms with my own bathroom. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help. “Out of sight” may make the heart grow fonder.
Tip 5. Take regular mini-breaks.
Empaths require private downtime to regroup. Even a brief escape prevents emotional overload. Retreat for five minutes into the bathroom with the door shut. Take a stroll around the block. Read in a separate room. One patient told her boyfriend, “I need to disappear into a quiet room for ten minutes at a party, even if I’m having fun,” a form of self-care that he supports.
In my medical practice, I’ve seen this creative approach to relationships save marriages and make ongoing intimacies feel safe, even for emotional empaths (of all ages) who’ve been lonely and haven’t had a long-term partner before. Once you’re able to articulate your needs, emotional freedom in your relationships is possible.
___
Judith Orloff MD is author of the New York Times Bestseller Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (Three Rivers Press, 2011), upon which this excerpt is based. An Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry UCLA, Dr. Orloff synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, subtle energy, and spirituality. For Judith’s workshop schedule, free articles, videos and more inspiration visit www.drjudithorloff.com
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Interesting!
I'm the kind of person who needs my own space frequently. For example, I was out of town with a group of girls this weekend and after a while of hanging out I had to leave and go sit by myself in my room to decompress before going back out for me.
I love to know people are around but I don't always need to be with them. Back at my old apartment, I loved when all my roomies and I would leave our doors open and do our things and talk to each other every couple hours.
And sleep...I love my own bed. Not sure how I'm ever gonna share unless I have a Cali King!
Thanks for sharing I love personality stuff like that!!0 -
This is my recent ex (sniff, sniff). To the point I will probably email him this link and overwhelm him with my ongoing communication. This is actually one of the reasons he broke up with me. Not because I was too communicative, but because he is this exactly.. has never been able to sustain long term relationships and needs an intense amount of alone time.0
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A very interesting article. Whether by nature or circumstance (not exactly the most popular child in the class, ever), I've always been mostly happy with my own company, which is not to say I don't want a romantic relationship - I very much do - but that constant companionship/proximity/intimacy does drain me to some extent, and I need to have the ability to step away into a quiet space to regroup to cope with that. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to want separate beds/bedrooms, but a space of my own would always be very important to me.
In many ways, my 'ideal' relationship fantasy is reflective of this - two connected people, who are warm and loving and close when together, but whose lives ae closely parallel, rather than completely intertwined, with regular time apart - travel for work, for example. I've always assumed this was a realistic model brought about by knowledge of my own career path and its' likely trajectory, but it seems to me having read this, that maybe the career pattern just happens to fit my emotional and psychological needs. Food for thought - thanks!0 -
I like my distance from most people.... but there are a handful of people that I can be around all the time simply because we don't expect anything from each other. My last relationship was ideal. We would hang out separately all the time. Basically, he would come over, or I would go over there, and we would do our own thing, but with each other around. It was relaxing and nice. I could read while he worked on programming. Or I would do my homework while he cleaned his room.0
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This describes me perfectly. I can't stand sharing space with anyone. I can share an apartment, but if I don't have my own room with my own door that I can close so I can be alone sometimes I go absolutely freaking nuts. And I like to spend a lot of time alone.
Guess when and if I start dating seriously again I better be upfront about that. My last boyfriend just couldn't fathom it. He always wanted to be around people.0 -
This extremely perplexes me.
My entire existence since I was in my early teens has been to stare life in the eyes and fight it off.
It is a contradiction of terms as I hate at times the emptiness of being alone but it is also where I prefer to be when times are rough...just leave me by myself and let me deal with it.
Maybe I am not cut out for a relationship.0 -
The article makes it sound like these so-called 'empaths' are unusual or have 'special needs'. The people she describes in the article sound like NORMAL people to me. Doesn't EVERYONE need 'time out' from time to time... or am I just an 'empath' who has always assumed that everyone else is like me?? The separate room or 'hanging a sheet' when you are traveling thing was a bit over the top. I'm not THAT much of a loner.
I think clingy 'all over you - all the time' type people are the weirdos.... not the group she describes as 'empaths'.
Suffocating, needy personality types drive me INSANE. I need my partners to be relatively independant people who are perfectly capable of standing on their own two feet. My view is that a partnership should consist of two whole people... not two half people.0 -
Yep. I think this is closer from the truth than the article.The article makes it sound like these so-called 'empaths' are unusual or have 'special needs'.
The people she describes in the article sound like NORMAL people to me. Doesn't EVERYONE need 'time out' from time to time... or am I just an 'empath' who has always assumed that everyone else is like me?? The separate room or 'hanging a sheet' when you are traveling thing was a bit over the top. I'm not THAT much of a loner.
I think clingy 'all over you - all the time' type people are the weirdos.... not the group she describes as 'empaths'.
Suffocating, needy personality types drive me INSANE. I need my partners to be relatively independant people who are perfectly capable of standing on their own two feet. My view is that a partnership should consist of two whole people... not two half people.0 -
The article makes it sound like these so-called 'empaths' are unusual or have 'special needs'. The people she describes in the article sound like NORMAL people to me. Doesn't EVERYONE need 'time out' from time to time... or am I just an 'empath' who has always assumed that everyone else is like me?? The separate room or 'hanging a sheet' when you are traveling thing was a bit over the top. I'm not THAT much of a loner.
I think clingy 'all over you - all the time' type people are the weirdos.... not the group she describes as 'empaths'.
Suffocating, needy personality types drive me INSANE. I need my partners to be relatively independant people who are perfectly capable of standing on their own two feet. My view is that a partnership should consist of two whole people... not two half people.
She's not talking about normal alone time. She's referring to needing significant amounts of alone time. As in, not even able to share a bed with someone else without feeling suffocated. Did you even read the article?
Conversely, sharing a bed with a partner doesn't make one "clingy" and "a weirdo."0 -
That's actually a good read. It makes a whole lot of sense. Thanks for sharing it !!!
The article makes it sound like these so-called 'empaths' are unusual or have 'special needs'. The people she describes in the article sound like NORMAL people to me. Doesn't EVERYONE need 'time out' from time to time... or am I just an 'empath' who has always assumed that everyone else is like me?? The separate room or 'hanging a sheet' when you are traveling thing was a bit over the top. I'm not THAT much of a loner.
I think clingy 'all over you - all the time' type people are the weirdos.... not the group she describes as 'empaths'.
Suffocating, needy personality types drive me INSANE. I need my partners to be relatively independant people who are perfectly capable of standing on their own two feet. My view is that a partnership should consist of two whole people... not two half people.
She's not talking about normal alone time. She's referring to needing significant amounts of alone time. As in, not even able to share a bed with someone else without feeling suffocated. Did you even read the article?
Conversely, sharing a bed with a partner doesn't make one "clingy" and "a weirdo."
I agree - This article is about people who actually NEED this alone time to feel functional. It doesn't make them a 'weirdo' just like feeling the 'need' to sleep in the bed with your partner doesn't make you a 'weirdo' either. Different needs for different people right?? :ohwell:0 -
That's actually a good read. It makes a whole lot of sense. Thanks for sharing it !!!The article makes it sound like these so-called 'empaths' are unusual or have 'special needs'. The people she describes in the article sound like NORMAL people to me. Doesn't EVERYONE need 'time out' from time to time... or am I just an 'empath' who has always assumed that everyone else is like me?? The separate room or 'hanging a sheet' when you are traveling thing was a bit over the top. I'm not THAT much of a loner.
I think clingy 'all over you - all the time' type people are the weirdos.... not the group she describes as 'empaths'.
Suffocating, needy personality types drive me INSANE. I need my partners to be relatively independant people who are perfectly capable of standing on their own two feet. My view is that a partnership should consist of two whole people... not two half people.
She's not talking about normal alone time. She's referring to needing significant amounts of alone time. As in, not even able to share a bed with someone else without feeling suffocated. Did you even read the article?
Conversely, sharing a bed with a partner doesn't make one "clingy" and "a weirdo."
I agree - This article is about people who actually NEED this alone time to feel functional. It doesn't make them a 'weirdo' just like feeling the 'need' to sleep in the bed with your partner doesn't make you a 'weirdo' either. Different needs for different people right?? :ohwell:
Hallelujah.
It's a very medieval mentality to believe that any culture different from yours is "weird" and deserving of ridicule or worse - simply because it is not your own.0 -
I agree - This article is about people who actually NEED this alone time to feel functional. It doesn't make them a 'weirdo' just like feeling the 'need' to sleep in the bed with your partner doesn't make you a 'weirdo' either. Different needs for different people right?? :ohwell:
Ummm... That's what I said...it's NORMAL for people to need time alone. It's NORMAL for people to need to have some space occassionally. Go to another room. Close a door. Hell... it might even be NORMAL for people to sleep separately if one of the two is a light sleeper or disturbed by the other (snoring, moves too much, whetever). If I had a partner who WOULDN'T permit me to have space, time alone occasionally or a decent nights sleep I'd call them very needy, clingy, suffocating and controlling. Rolled up into one word....WEIRD.
Only Kitsune6 could turn that into 'medieval thinking'. *facepalm*0 -
I agree - This article is about people who actually NEED this alone time to feel functional. It doesn't make them a 'weirdo' just like feeling the 'need' to sleep in the bed with your partner doesn't make you a 'weirdo' either. Different needs for different people right?? :ohwell:
Ummm... That's what I said...it's NORMAL for people to need time alone. It's NORMAL for people to need to have some space occassionally. Go to another room. Close a door. Hell... it might even be NORMAL for people to sleep separately if one of the two is a light sleeper or disturbed by the other (snoring, moves too much, whetever). If I had a partner who WOULDN'T permit me to have space, time alone occasionally or a decent nights sleep I'd call them very needy, clingy, suffocating and controlling. Rolled up into one word....WEIRD.
Only Kitsune6 could turn that into 'medieval thinking'. *facepalm*
I mistyped, the order of those examples should be opposite, but the message still stands. What I was saying is that neither is weird. My point is that the author was referencing extreme examples for space needed that are considered out of the norm. She isn't talking about having your own hobbies and separate nights out. She is referencing the people who, even while married, keep separate rooms or even homes if necessary. Not for the more conventional reasons you listed (one of them snores or moves a lot in their sleep and disturbs the other), but because they need it or they get emotionally stressed to the point where they break up and can't maintain a relationship since they're so busy trying to fit that mold of normal.
It is generally unhealthy to be needy, clingy, suffocating and controlling - absolutely, and many people do find that annoying. But we aren't comparing two opposites. The article is comparing the type of healthy relationship that is considered "normal" to what an emotional empath would find comfortable and functional.0 -
Kits... I am really loving you lately.0
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Kits... I am really loving you lately.
Oh stop, you're embarrassing me!
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This extremely perplexes me.
My entire existence since I was in my early teens has been to stare life in the eyes and fight it off.
It is a contradiction of terms as I hate at times the emptiness of being alone but it is also where I prefer to be when times are rough...just leave me by myself and let me deal with it.
Maybe I am not cut out for a relationship.
I can relate to this.0 -
This extremely perplexes me.
My entire existence since I was in my early teens has been to stare life in the eyes and fight it off.
It is a contradiction of terms as I hate at times the emptiness of being alone but it is also where I prefer to be when times are rough...just leave me by myself and let me deal with it.
Maybe I am not cut out for a relationship.
I can relate to this.
I tend to withdraw when figuring *kitten* out too, but I don't think that means relationships are out of the question. Just need to find someone that understands there is a digestion period.0 -
This extremely perplexes me.
My entire existence since I was in my early teens has been to stare life in the eyes and fight it off.
It is a contradiction of terms as I hate at times the emptiness of being alone but it is also where I prefer to be when times are rough...just leave me by myself and let me deal with it.
Maybe I am not cut out for a relationship.
I can relate to this.
I'll third this.0 -
This extremely perplexes me.
My entire existence since I was in my early teens has been to stare life in the eyes and fight it off.
It is a contradiction of terms as I hate at times the emptiness of being alone but it is also where I prefer to be when times are rough...just leave me by myself and let me deal with it.
Maybe I am not cut out for a relationship.
I can relate to this.
I'll third this.
Muahaha, too late. You are fourth! :laugh:0 -
I really quite like sleeping with a partner. I find it warm and loving and intimate and cosy! :bigsmile: It would upset/bug me if he wanted to sleep in another room. Fair enough if there is a snoring or light sleeper issue, but I've never slept with anyone like that.
I dont think that's clingy, I think that's normal :laugh:
As for having your own space, I think that's normal too. I agree that people should keep their own identity and have their own interests.,However, it's all about degrees isn't it. I much prefer to share my life with someone, living together and sharing rooms. Not co-exist in different rooms. That's what my parents did, and I thought their relationship was the worst I've ever seen.
If you want to be on your own so much, then why are you bothering having a relationship? I recommend singledom with a FWB thrown in for sex and company on a casual basis.
But at the end of the day, it's all about 2 people that gel together for whatever reason. If that's because you BOTH want to share a house but not a room or a bed, then fair enough. It's just not for me.0
