Extreme tantrums

dolly3186

Hi everyone,

My son is 20 months old and I know tantrums are fairly common for any toddler at this age, but my son is out of control.

He is currently non-verbal, so I think he's extremely frustrated at trying to communicate. It breaks my heart. This past week he's been awful...just screaming at the top of his lungs, crying, throwing toys across the room, hitting, etc. Seriously, I just want to break down!

I had problems with throwing tantrums with my older daughter, but it was easy to discipline her. She responded well to time-out and we hardly have any problems with her now. My son, on the other hand, doesn't understand discipline...he barely understands receptive language.

I'm at a loss of what to do. It's becoming impossible to deal with him...night time is the worst. I look forward to bed time. I know that sounds bad, but I'm sure you all understand.

Anyone have any words of advice/encouragement/ideas to try? I'm up to hear anything. Thanks everyone.

Flab2fitfi

It can be very hard to deal with especially emotionally. My eldest who has ASD used to have massive meltdowns and also self harm. Its also hard to talk to someone who has no experience of the difference between meltdown and tantrum - I've given up explaining that my youngest is having a meltdown rather than a tantrum ( and at 2 she has both).

One thing I have learnt is that most the time nothing is going to stop the meltdown and I used to make sure he was safe and walk away from him ( only a few metres). You also need to play detective and try and work out what has caused the meltdown in the first place - easier said than done especially as each child is different.

starbuckette

Agree with Flab2fit - these are meltdowns, not tantrums. Your son cannot control them. My son who has ASD had many many many meltdowns as a child. Took a while to figure out he had autism (Aspergers) and had some major sensory issues. Sensitive to light, unexpected noises, invasion of personal space, labels in clothes, couldn`t wear socks or shoes because they were too annoying, had a insatiable need for deep proprioceptive input ... the list goes on. He would go balistic if I ever took him into a grocery store or WalMart because it was just pure sensory overload. Received lots of disapproving looks and unsolicited advice from other shoppers as they watched him scream, threw things across the store, and hit or bite me (finally I got a shirt that said `Discipline does not cure autism. But thanks for your concern.` which I would wear if I ever had to take him shopping!).

I agree that he is frustrated because he can`t communicate what he wants to, but there might be other issues as well. You need to figure out what the antecedents are and find solutions. How can you make it easier for him to communicate his wants and needs (I used cards with pictures that Jackson could point to or pick up and show me). I also turned our home into a sanctuary that was soothing for him - no vacuums, hairdryers, blenders, lots of wrestling for the deep pressure relief he needed, etc. This is the only thing that is going to help in the shorter term.

Discipline does not help these kids - positive feedback does.

I completely get how physically and emotionally draining this can be. I gained 40lbs!!

Does he get enough sleep, or is he too agitated to sleep - mine was too agitated so I started giving him small amounts of melatonin which helped tremendously. More sleep = fewer meltdowns.

Most importantly, look after yourself as best you can through this. It is not easy I know.

dolly3186

Thanks for all the information everyone. This is fairly new to me - I wasn't sure of the difference between a tantrum and a meltdown, but you're definitely right - these are for sure meltdowns.

It's like my little guy is so overwhelmed and frustrated that he just starts screaming, crying, hitting, throwing things...it's so exhausting.

He is in Early Intervention services and is actually starting today with a more in-depth provider that's going to be giving him 15 hours a week of service to start with. There's been a lot of talk about sensory processing, he has an insatiable need to be hugged tight, squished, bounced up and down, swing, etc. We were actually given a pair of ankle weights and a small weighted vest by one of his therapists to see if that helps at all.

All your replies are appreciated, it gets overwhelming and I just want to cry sometimes but I'll get through. Good thing he's so darn cute!

starbuckette

Great that you are getting some help! You need some respite!!

A weighted blanket was extremely helpful for my son - it would help him fall asleep at night. I would highly recommend one if your son needs deep pressure. The other thing I did that he loved was to sit on the floor, I'd clear a big space, roll him in a blanket like a hotdog - then once he was rolled up, pull the end and let him roll out of it on the floor. He LOVED this and it was very calming. I also used to hit him with pillows which he LOVED. It was like a drug - he would become instantly calm.

Chewing is also good for deep pressure input, as is hanging on monkey bars when he gets a little older.

A few books you might want to get from your library (in the order I would read them):

The Highly Sensitive Child -- helping our children thrive in a world that overwhelms them
Too loud, too bright, too fast, too tight - what to do if you are sensory defensive in an overstimulating world (Sharon Heller)

Feel free to message me anytime if you have any questions or just need a shoulder to cry on! I know how hard it is! But, if you take the right steps - which you are doing - he will learn to self regulate. My son is 12 now and is very self aware, knows how to self regulate and practices it all the time. He still gets overwhelmed, but for the most part can calm himself now before things get out of control. Its hard work trying to figure this stuff out up front, but he is now reaping the benefits of a determined mom, as am I!!

starbuckette

Oh, two more very good books I would put at the top of the list:

The Out of Sync Child and The Out of Sync Child Has Fun - both by Carol Stock Kranowitz. These were both fabulous!

ClarityPeace

You might want to rule out that there is anything physically wrong. When my son had lyme disease he turned into a raging tantrumming different person. We walked on eggshells for months and suffered depression before figuring out what was wrong. Good luck.

restoreleanne

My DD is 5 1/2 and any time there is change or she is over stimulated she can have violent meltdowns.They have been working on them for years. good luck

asdandme

I know this an old post but thought I would reply any way. My son had meltdowns many,many times a day...there were days when hubby came home I locked myself in the bedroom curled up and just bawled for an hour or so. It turned out he was in sensory overload and because he was nonverbal could not tell me. I cleared out his bedroom and made it a sensory free zone(as much as I could)Then when he had a meltdown I put him in his room telling him calmly that he was not in trouble and this would make his body feel better. The more I watched the sooner I could get him to his room....soon I was walking him to his room as soon as he got crabby...always saying how he would feel better. I made him stay in his room for 10 minutes. I am not going to lie , he did not like going to his room and I had to lock it as I sat outside the door and waited .I felt so horrible but within a week he started going in the room by himself and it turned out he needed 20 minutes in there to calm down...he would come out with a big smile(no more locks)That ended the meltdowns at home but out and about was still crazy. Then an amazing thing happened about a month in he figured out he could use the car as a sensory free zone when we were out. Turns out he likes jazz and when he felt stressed out he would head to the car and close his eyes while listening to jazz. He learned to self regulate himself and I learned more about my son ,both his likes and what bothered him. He was 4 at the time. He is 15 now and we have not had a meltdown since...not that there aren't other issues but that is for another post. Hopes this helps and good luck.