Venting... why all the games?
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cinsuccess
Posts: 333 Member
Here's the back story so you can fully understand the situation (I'll try to be brief):
I met "Irish" in early November for coffee. We had emailed on okc for about a month or so because he was out of the country on business but as soon as he returned, he set up our coffee date for 4 days later. We spent over 3 hours talking about all kinds of things and it was great. As we were saying goodbye, he asked if I would go out with him again. I said yes and told him I was free on the weekend (this was Tuesday).
Second date was drinks on Saturday. We met at the bar and again had a great conversation. When the bar started to get too noisy (after we had been there 3 hours), he suggested we go for coffee so we did. An hour and a half later, we walk back to our cars. He kissed me goodnight with tongue and says he'll be in touch. He had told me on the date that he was going out of town that week for business so I didn't expect to hear from him until he got back.
Fast forward 2 weeks and I hadn't heard from him. We had 2 really good dates totalling over 8 hours of time so I was confused. It happenned that I was going to be in his part of town for work so I sent him a text asking if he wanted to grab a quick coffee. He responded that he was really busy at work but he would be in touch over the weekend. Then nothing again. I figured he must be poofing on me so I let it go but it bugged me because we talked about how rude it is to flake on others with no explanation.
Then I was in a bookstore doing some Christmas shopping and saw this book that would be perfect for him. It was a basic business law guide for only $15 so I bought it and sent it to him with a note that said "You didn't seem like one of those flakey people who would disappear without a word so I hope all is well. I saw this book and it reminded me of you so I hope it helps with some of your legal questions as a business owner. Merry Christmas" He then wrote me a message on Christmas apologizing for being flakey, saying he was super busy with work which was no excuse as he should have emailed me but he wanted to be friends if I hadn't decided to rightfully blacklist him. I responded that I don't judge people until I know the whole story so he hasn't been blacklisted yet but we should get together when he has some time.
After that, nothing again. Honestly I wasn't really expecting much as I figured the message offering friendship was sent because he didn't want to feel like a jerk for not acknowledging the book. ... then this morning, I see that he visited my profile on okc but didn't send a message. I know he has an A-list membership which means he had to actively "allow" me to see that he visited my profile. WTF?
After reading a lot of posts on here, I understand why people poof but why let me know you visited my profile without sending a message? I just don't get it.
I met "Irish" in early November for coffee. We had emailed on okc for about a month or so because he was out of the country on business but as soon as he returned, he set up our coffee date for 4 days later. We spent over 3 hours talking about all kinds of things and it was great. As we were saying goodbye, he asked if I would go out with him again. I said yes and told him I was free on the weekend (this was Tuesday).
Second date was drinks on Saturday. We met at the bar and again had a great conversation. When the bar started to get too noisy (after we had been there 3 hours), he suggested we go for coffee so we did. An hour and a half later, we walk back to our cars. He kissed me goodnight with tongue and says he'll be in touch. He had told me on the date that he was going out of town that week for business so I didn't expect to hear from him until he got back.
Fast forward 2 weeks and I hadn't heard from him. We had 2 really good dates totalling over 8 hours of time so I was confused. It happenned that I was going to be in his part of town for work so I sent him a text asking if he wanted to grab a quick coffee. He responded that he was really busy at work but he would be in touch over the weekend. Then nothing again. I figured he must be poofing on me so I let it go but it bugged me because we talked about how rude it is to flake on others with no explanation.
Then I was in a bookstore doing some Christmas shopping and saw this book that would be perfect for him. It was a basic business law guide for only $15 so I bought it and sent it to him with a note that said "You didn't seem like one of those flakey people who would disappear without a word so I hope all is well. I saw this book and it reminded me of you so I hope it helps with some of your legal questions as a business owner. Merry Christmas" He then wrote me a message on Christmas apologizing for being flakey, saying he was super busy with work which was no excuse as he should have emailed me but he wanted to be friends if I hadn't decided to rightfully blacklist him. I responded that I don't judge people until I know the whole story so he hasn't been blacklisted yet but we should get together when he has some time.
After that, nothing again. Honestly I wasn't really expecting much as I figured the message offering friendship was sent because he didn't want to feel like a jerk for not acknowledging the book. ... then this morning, I see that he visited my profile on okc but didn't send a message. I know he has an A-list membership which means he had to actively "allow" me to see that he visited my profile. WTF?
After reading a lot of posts on here, I understand why people poof but why let me know you visited my profile without sending a message? I just don't get it.
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Replies
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He flaked. At this point, there is nothing you can do. Then you sent a book. Then he came back to your profile to jerk it off.
But...
"Fast forward 2 weeks and I hadn't heard from him":
I am surprised because I normally contact people more often than every 2 weeks. Especially in the early stages.
I would probably have "three striked" him over the course of the two weeks and then realised within those two weeks that he didn't care.0 -
He flaked. At this point, there is nothing you can do. Then you sent a book. Then he came back to your profile to jerk it off.
This actually makes sense. Thanks.
As for contacting him, as the female I try to let the guy be the pursuer so I sit back and often wait for them to contact me. Especially of they say they will. This was the first time it bugged me basically because of what he had said in our conversations. Usually if a guy doesn't contact me within a few days, then I know he's not interested and move on.0 -
Flim is right. Unfortunately if he was interested it wouldn't matter if he was "busy", he would have contacted you (with technology what it is, if someone wants to contact you, they will contact you. From the end of the earth...) I've never been THAT busy for someone I liked a lot. It is annoying, though. You feel like you are making a connection with someone and then nothing.0
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Probably one of those situations where he likes you, he's just not super into you. I've been there before, you can go out with someone and have a lot of fun, but afterwards you either think about them constantly or you don't.
Or especially with online dating you may be really into someone but not sure how it will work out so you try to keep your options open without leading them on too much. It all gets very complicated, that's why I have a firm 2 strike rule.0 -
Drop him. Forget he ever existed.
Go to as many apt Meetup events as you can.0 -
I don't know if I would file this under "games" so much as he's just not interested. It seems like he likes you well enough that he doesn't want to offend you, but not to the point where he's willing to make himself uncomfortable. It sucks that it didn't work out but you'll find someone good
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Hmm... boys are stupid?
That's all I've got.
Sadly.. everyone that has commented is probably right and that he isn't interested..or certainly not interested enough. But he should be, because you're kind of fabulous. :flowerforyou:
Men.
Sigh.0 -
But he should be, because you're kind of fabulous. :flowerforyou:
Thanks Danielle... you're pretty fabulous too.
I do know everyone is right. He wasn't really that into me... one of my friends said I was probably a back-up plan for a while. Definitely moving on!0 -
I'm glad you called him out for being a flake!0
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I understand your vent and I wish I could provide an "insight" but I cannot offer anything other than it seems like he doesn't know how to be a "friend" and it could be a "back-up" plan issue. I know some men on dating sites try to date multiple women and they don't know how to distribute their time evenly. These are the guys that are just looking for some FWB's.
I have been thinking strongly about getting back out into the dating world but maybe I am not quite ready for it again. If I was on the flip side of your situation I would be crushed and most likely stressed becuase I usually over think things like that when I should just move on....0 -
After reading a lot of posts on here, I understand why people poof but why let me know you visited my profile without sending a message? I just don't get it.
Well, perhaps he's too embarrassed for turning out to be a flake when you both agreed that that was bad?? (Although, words are cheap!)
So, the subtle visit could be a sign that he's still interested in you?
Orrrrrrrrr he could just be reminding himself what you look like after dating about 10 women between November and now....!!
I think that you have tried enough to show your interest in him, so, up to him now :flowerforyou:0 -
Awww Cindy..sounds like a classic case of the poofs. It has happened to the best of us, so we all your pain.
I don't want to demonize online dating, but this is a classic case as to why online dating is tough. It encourages serial dating. It's not uncommon that people juggle 3-5 people at one time on those sites. I've met girls that go out on 3 different dates a week because they are constantly getting e-mailed and flirted with. This is why I recommend not getting too emotionally involved early on when you're dating someone an online site.
I will say this too.. online dating isn't about being nice and considerate to people, it's about making a connection with someone. Both parties have to feel it. Follow your brain, not your heart.0 -
Awww Cindy..sounds like a classic case of the poofs. It has happened to the best of us, so we all your pain.
I don't want to demonize online dating, but this is a classic case as to why online dating is tough. It encourages serial dating. It's not uncommon that people juggle 3-5 people at one time on those sites. I've met girls that go out on 3 different dates a week because they are constantly getting e-mailed and flirted with. This is why I recommend not getting too emotionally involved early on when you're dating someone an online site.
I will say this too.. online dating isn't about being nice and considerate to people, it's about making a connection with someone. Both parties have to feel it. Follow your brain, not your heart.
Oh yes, and it sucks when you think you've made a really good connection and the other person doesn't feel it. I get the sense that you need to be even more exceptional when online dating as opposed to real life dating because of the plethora of options out there.0 -
Awww Cindy..sounds like a classic case of the poofs. It has happened to the best of us, so we all your pain.
I don't want to demonize online dating, but this is a classic case as to why online dating is tough. It encourages serial dating. It's not uncommon that people juggle 3-5 people at one time on those sites. I've met girls that go out on 3 different dates a week because they are constantly getting e-mailed and flirted with. This is why I recommend not getting too emotionally involved early on when you're dating someone an online site.
I will say this too.. online dating isn't about being nice and considerate to people, it's about making a connection with someone. Both parties have to feel it. Follow your brain, not your heart.
Oh yes, and it sucks when you think you've made a really good connection and the other person doesn't feel it. I get the sense that you need to be even more exceptional when online dating as opposed to real life dating because of the plethora of options out there.
I totally accept the "rules" of online dating. I expect a guy to be dating multiple women which is why I continue dating others until I'm sure we both want something exclusive. What was frustrating was that after the first date, he emailed me twice saying he felt a strong connection and he was really looking forward to the second date. It was really strange that after kissign me goodnight at the end of the second date, he would then poof.0 -
I'm glad you called him out for being a flake!
I am too.
What I don't understand is: why would you spend money on a man who has flaked twice? Just bc he originally agree with you that it's not cool when people flake? Am I the only one who is used to people lying in the first month or two of dating?? http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/742751-why-did-you-poof0 -
I'm glad you called him out for being a flake!
I am too.
What I don't understand is: why would you spend money on a man who has flaked twice? Just bc he originally agree with you that it's not cool when people flake? Am I the only one who is used to people lying in the first month or two of dating?? http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/742751-why-did-you-poof
It's not easy to find people in LA where I can have a truly intellectual conversation without it becoming something dramatic so I was trying to salvage a possible friendship since we had connected on a highly intellectual level.0 -
Awww Cindy..sounds like a classic case of the poofs. It has happened to the best of us, so we all your pain.
I don't want to demonize online dating, but this is a classic case as to why online dating is tough. It encourages serial dating. It's not uncommon that people juggle 3-5 people at one time on those sites. I've met girls that go out on 3 different dates a week because they are constantly getting e-mailed and flirted with. This is why I recommend not getting too emotionally involved early on when you're dating someone an online site.
I will say this too.. online dating isn't about being nice and considerate to people, it's about making a connection with someone. Both parties have to feel it. Follow your brain, not your heart.
Great Advice0 -
I've met girls that go out on 3 different dates a week because they are constantly getting e-mailed and flirted with.
- So tell me... Do you have any hobbies... or maybe a passion in life?
- Nothing really... Well... I just date people all week long really.
- Errrrm... Oh. Uh. Cool... [awkward silence]... Oh god! I totally forgot I've got an appointment with the physician in 10 minutes. So I will just go, and... yeah. You try to have fun, yeah?0 -
I've met girls that go out on 3 different dates a week because they are constantly getting e-mailed and flirted with.
- So tell me... Do you have any hobbies... or maybe a passion in life?
- Nothing really... Well... I just date people all week long really.
- Errrrm... Oh. Uh. Cool... [awkward silence]... Oh god! I totally forgot I've got an appointment with the physician in 10 minutes. So I will just go, and... yeah. You try to have fun, yeah?
*knits quietly*
:laugh:0 -
I totally accept the "rules" of online dating. I expect a guy to be dating multiple women which is why I continue dating others until I'm sure we both want something exclusive. What was frustrating was that after the first date, he emailed me twice saying he felt a strong connection and he was really looking forward to the second date. It was really strange that after kissign me goodnight at the end of the second date, he would then poof.
You know, I think the thing is that even though relatively savvy people do expect the people they're dating (especially online) to be dating others initially, there are just so many variables that it's sort of futile to even think about it.
Personal example: I was definitely guilty of blowing off people for reasons unrelated to them or how much I was into them (when I had an okc account). There are a few of them that I really wish I had been ready for (one lamented his love for Glenn Gould, early B-52s songs, and late 80s jazz influenced east coast hip hop- my dream man) but I just couldn't do it despite being really into him. Completely unrelated to how much I liked him. I also creeped his profile- just to remind myself that I was being an idiot, and probably should have figured some of my **** out before trying to date. I basically suck for that. This guy was awesome. You are probably awesome (and you are because you bought him a book even though he didn't deserve it because you are nice) and he sucks : (0
