Getting over someone

gym_king_carlie

How do you do it? lol. Ive tried dating and I find meeting girls easy (I dont mean that arrogantly), but im still in love with my ex, I can not shake her off my mind what so ever, its so complicated, she left an abusive realtionship to be with me and then he (a bully drug dealing thug) begged and begged her to the point she felt guilt and is now back, severely unhappy, she gets judged by everyone over it, including my friends, what they all dont realise is, she suffers with severe depression and he plays on it.
Im trying to move on, but I cant because I know she wants to be with me, and she still communicates, which ive put to an end to, but I still care and want to be with her, or for her to atleast be free of that man. its killing me.

I dont usually share my story, My best friend doesnt even know, im just curious if anyone has had a simular experience, Ive had a lot of negativity from people about it, and in all fairness, I would probly say the same thing, dont feel bad, walk away. but its not that simple

I also realise it makes me and her sound bad by her 'leaving him' for me, it wasnt like I was the other man scenerio people see in the films. I know im bias, but this man was very bad to her, I gave her strengh to leave and be free, sadly, he bullied her back, I hope she gains the strengh to be happy, with or without me.

dbrightwell1270

Put it in this context. She was with you. She knows what you have to offer. She chose an abusive drug dealing thug over you. She also suffers from severe depression. It's a whole ****load of drama. You can do better.

TheKitsune6

You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved.

Cut her out of your life. Take it day by day. It's going to hurt, you're going to love her, and then one day however long from now it's going to be okay.

gym_king_carlie

Put it in this context. She was with you. She knows what you have to offer. She chose an abusive drug dealing thug over you. She also suffers from severe depression. It's a whole ****load of drama. You can do better.

I do agree pal, I do, I just feel guilty. I shouldnt, I dont spill my feelings, I just see alot of like minded post on here so I thought why not, thanks for your input

gym_king_carlie

You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved.

Cut her out of your life. Take it day by day. It's going to hurt, you're going to love her, and then one day however long from now it's going to be okay.

aye, I think its been unhealthy me been in contact with her, which I have now ended, it sucks, shes the first person I truely been in love with. thanks

AnnaPixie

Does she do drugs too??

Sounds to me like he's got a hold on her, and that might be with feeding an addiction. That addiction can either be drugs, sex or abusive behaviour. If she's down, he probably validates her worthlessness and then builds her up into feeling valuable again. And then kicks her down again. Some people are just drawn into that destructive lifestyle. Drugs and depression dont really help each other

I think you should look at your own needs and wants. Do you feel like you have to help someone in distress?? Some guys just like needy women that ooze drama.

Look, she's your first love. It hurts when that is over. But you're 25, you'll get over it!! And hopefully find someone is emotionally/mentally stable enough to have a healthy relationship with you. Good luck :flowerforyou:

RunIntheMud

Big ditto on what Anna said. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Breakups are never easy, especially when they aren't mutual. Do everything you can to keep her out of your life (delete her from Facebook, no calls/texts, avoid running into her if you have mutual friends).... it takes time and distance. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

gym_king_carlie

cheers ladies, I agree, deep down I know, she is damaged mentally due to this due destroying her esteam, she has a good heart with good intentions to do good in the world and this 'man' prevents her from, thats the reason i fell in love, I didnt fall in love to save her or anything like that, shes just a beautiful person with issues, shes hurt me, I forgive her though, as hard and daft as that sounds, but im just concentrating on me now, Im even gonna take up one of these offers of dates and try to move on and further down the line who knows

thanks for your opinions

kimad

I agree with everyone.

We have all been in our own situations, regardless of what they are. At some point we have all caused drama for ourselves that others would shake their heads at. It's what we learn about them at the end of the day.

It sounds to me that she has issues far deeper than this *kitten*. He plays a big role in all this mess, yes, but even without him there she needs to work alot on herself to become healthy again. I think even if he was out of the picture, you should be with someone who is much healthier than her, you aren't here to fix her, or try to look past this damage to who she could be. She NEEDS to be that person now for it to work well for you two. I can say this from experience.

So I agree, you need someone emotionaly stable and ready, not someone you need to save or has alot of work to do, to be with you. Cut off all contact and just hope the best for her.... It's a vicous cycle your ex is in, I have a friend in simliar circumstance, and after she went back for the umpteenth time I had to disconnect from her.

Keep your chin up, as Anna said you are very young... you will find someone (as will I LOL) and when the time is right, it will fall into place with no drama .....

nolachick

i wish I could tell you there was an easy way. but cutting off communication is definitely step #1.
I know how you feel tho. I was soooo in love with my ex for years after we broke up. And i'm finally just now ready to date other people and truly move on. its a process. i dove into my work, my school, volunteering, hanging out with friends, working out, etc. everything to get my mind off and nothing worked....

until one day it just CLICKED...this isnt healthy. He's a good person, we cared for each other, but it wasn't good.

good luck to ya. and feel free to PM me if you want to talk more or just vent.

lorro

She may have good intentions but she's weak. She allowed herself to be manipulated into harming you for someone who harms her. Now she is continuing to harm you by remaining in contact. Why? Because she can't let go of someone who she thinks needs her more, even though it's unfair and unhealthy.

I suspect you have more in common than you may realise. Please think about why it is that you feel so responsible for her. You know it's wrong, but it may happen again with someone else if you don't take the time to understand yourself as a result of this experience. This has been a harsh experience for you at such a young age, but you're dealing with it with the kind of maturity that many older than you do not possess, seeing her for what she is and refusing to condemn her for it but understanding that you have to cease contact and move on. Now you need to apply that insight to yourself and to follow through with what you know to be the right thing to do. Good luck :flowerforyou:

adoreabella

I too left an abusive relationship. My best guy friend (we aren't friends any longer) went head to head with my ex all the time over me and basically got me out of the relationship and saved my life. Throw in some physical incidents that shouldn't have happened and yeah......After that, he tossed me aside like I was nothing more than garbage and made me feel like it was my fault for developing feelings, etc. His emotional abuse was as bad as what my ex did to me. After struggling with this for a year I finally got to the point where I realized my value and that nothing I could do or say or be would be "enough" for him and I told him I couldn't be his friend. He cared so much about me that he didn't even bother to talk to me about this, but just walked away. Huge wake up call.

If chicky wants to be with her abusive thug boyfriend, let her. Sounds harsh I know, but you can't change someone's mind. If she really wanted to leave him, she would. She clearly doesn't value you, or appreciate you, the way you do her. That's HER problem, not yours. You do not deserve to be treated so poorly by someone who isn't ready for someone who treats her the amazing way she deserves to be treated. Again, that's her issue to fix, not yours.

One day she might realize what she lost, and one day may never come. Work on you. Heal yourself, focus on the activities you enjoy and spend time with the people who cherish you. One day someone amazing will waltz into your life, most likely when you are not even looking

Roadie2000

Are you actually looking for advice or did you just post this to get it off your chest?

If you really want advice just listen to what everyone else has said. Time heals all wounds, just stay away from her and her drama, she chose to be with him, not you so let her go. In time you will be happier without all of the drama, and there are a lot of great people out there without serious mental issues. Get to know one of them.

If you don't choose to take anyone's advice and you still want to get her back, you still need to distance yourself from her.

pa_jorg

While I can't relate to your exact story, there are pieces of it that feel familiar to me. It really is the kind of thing where you just need to break off contact and move on with your life (easier said than done I know!). Whatever her reasons for her actions, you cannot help someone who doesn't want your help.

It will get better with time... promise! :flowerforyou:

gym_king_carlie

thanks for all th responces, I do agree, I posted because Ive looked at the post made on this particular groups forum and no one is judgemental, my friends are to bias, very nasty about her, so i felt comfortable to post it, im usually a bottle it up and pour it out in the gym kinda guy lol, Ive distanced myself from her, I dont know what the future holds, Im not waiting on her or anything, Im impulsive so for me to wait would be going against myself anyhow, things have changed or developed in the past few days but I am putting distance between us. I never say never. but for now its all about me.

thanks for the opinions & advice ladies and gentlemen, I have taken it all on board

farmers_daughter

I dont usually share my story, My best friend doesnt even know, im just curious if anyone has had a simular experience, Ive had a lot of negativity from people about it, and in all fairness, I would probly say the same thing, dont feel bad, walk away. but its not that simple

You are right it's not that simple.

You cannot "make" her want you.... she knows what she's doing (and i don't mean that as in maliciously), it sounds like a little bit of codependency too.

You have to stand up for yourself too. You can care about her and you can really love her but you need to let yourself let her go, if this is the choice shes going to make you have to respect that, she knows what you have to offer and how she felt when she was with you but you have to tell her that she can't have both. You won't support her choice to accept the abuse, but you also won't serve as a "fallguy" when she comes to you abused.
That's not fair to you. When you tell someone "It's not fair to me that you do that" that gives you ALOT of power, it demands respect and you deserve that.

Good Luck Man