When to bring up potential dealbreakers
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I agree with what most people said.
To me an omission of truth is the same as lying.
Try dating a guy for 9 months and finding out he had 200 grand of debt from a gambling addiction.. feels pretty crappy
I think there is a time and place, some need to be addressed sooner than others.....
Agree with Mud, I want to know before meeting if you are actually single or divorced - seperated men I won't even consider.0 -
If a dealbreaker topic comes up during conversation and you ignore the issue or outright lie YOU ARE A DOUCHE! That's just wrong, IMO :noway:0
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Actual honest to goodness potential dealbreakers should definitely be brought up in the first little while. Like wanting/not wanting kids, addictions, when religion is really important etc. No ecuses, it's never ok not to. That person where one spouse wants kids and the other doesn't and only one knows, that is awful, that is not a good person.
Lying is never acceptable.
If the person is reasonable they'll listen and understand an explaination, like yes I have X in debt but it was because of Y and it's undercontrol and being paid off. And will never affect you ie you never have to put towards it etc. Or no I can't have kids, but I'm ok with adoption/donor. Or not.
As other posters have said, good relationships are built on trust and honesty. Not lies and deceit.0 -
This is a little off-topic, but I've been told that if a guy asks you about your last relationship (or any of your exes) on a first date, to just tell him you don't think that is appropriate conversation for a first date. But doesn't that kind of suggest that you've got a skeleton or two in the closet (or at least that you're kind of uptight)?
I've only dated one guy who was genuinely not a good guy and with whom things did not end well, so I have no problem talking about my past relationships. I have never done anything to be ashamed of, nor am I so jaded by other guys that I'm going to sit there and bash men for half an hour in answer to a question about an ex. So I don't really hesitate if a guy asks. Women are just always taught that it's bad form to talk about exes on the first date.0 -
Agree with Mud, I want to know before meeting if you are actually single or divorced - seperated men I won't even consider.
This information is critical. But I am shocked at how many men will admit to being married with no plans of getting divorced, yet they still want to date other women.
ETA: One of my mom's friends, who is in her 40s and never married, joined Match.com and got a message from a married man who was upfront that he is not ever going to divorce his wife, but he doesn't love her and is looking for a physical relationship outside of their marriage. And he promised that his wife was not the type of woman to show up at a mistress's house with a shotgun. Charming, right?0 -
I don't care so much what a man does for a living, as long as he is genuinely happy with it. Some of the most rewarding jobs do not pay very well, and that's okay. But I do believe financial, religious, and political compatibility are critical to a healthy marriage. We don't have to see eye to eye on everything, but we have to have enough in common that when compromises are necessary, they are on relatively minor things and not deeply-held principles. Love is not enough to get you through a lifetime with someone if there are very basic things you just don't agree on.
Absolutely agree with all this re: compatability. Relationships are hard enough, I don't want to start out being incompatible in so many ways.0 -
This is a little off-topic, but I've been told that if a guy asks you about your last relationship (or any of your exes) on a first date, to just tell him you don't think that is appropriate conversation for a first date. But doesn't that kind of suggest that you've got a skeleton or two in the closet (or at least that you're kind of uptight)?
I've only dated one guy who was genuinely not a good guy and with whom things did not end well, so I have no problem talking about my past relationships. I have never done anything to be ashamed of, nor am I so jaded by other guys that I'm going to sit there and bash men for half an hour in answer to a question about an ex. So I don't really hesitate if a guy asks. Women are just always taught that it's bad form to talk about exes on the first date.
I was never taught this, but I learned it because it NEVER turns out well. And there is absolutely no need to discuss it - if it provided any value to our discussion, I might do so (but I can't see how it would). I'm not uptight nor do I have skeletons, but I also want to move forward and focus on the man I'm with rather than rehash my past love/dating/sex life. It is just not a comfortable conversation, and I don't care to know about the man's past either (I would want to know if he had been married), it doesn't do me any good or tell me anything about him.0 -
This is a little off-topic, but I've been told that if a guy asks you about your last relationship (or any of your exes) on a first date, to just tell him you don't think that is appropriate conversation for a first date. But doesn't that kind of suggest that you've got a skeleton or two in the closet (or at least that you're kind of uptight)?
I've only dated one guy who was genuinely not a good guy and with whom things did not end well, so I have no problem talking about my past relationships. I have never done anything to be ashamed of, nor am I so jaded by other guys that I'm going to sit there and bash men for half an hour in answer to a question about an ex. So I don't really hesitate if a guy asks. Women are just always taught that it's bad form to talk about exes on the first date.
I was never taught this, but I learned it because it NEVER turns out well. And there is absolutely no need to discuss it - if it provided any value to our discussion, I might do so (but I can't see how it would). I'm not uptight nor do I have skeletons, but I also want to move forward and focus on the man I'm with rather than rehash my past love/dating/sex life. It is just not a comfortable conversation, and I don't care to know about the man's past either (I would want to know if he had been married), it doesn't do me any good or tell me anything about him.
With my last ex bf, I never asked him why his relationship went sour, WRONG IDEA! I mean, it is possible the man will still lie to you, or make it a lot less dramatic than it may have been as I believe a lot of times you protray yourself as the victim even if you aren't, but you should be able to get a sense?? My ex bf's wife left him becuase he racked up gambling debt, they remortaged their house and he did it again. He was sitting at about 200 grand when we broke up. UGH!!! So not only the debt but the addiction!
In one of Steve Harvey's books it actually shows you how to ask a question 3 times to 'corner' them into giving you the truth with their answer. Was interesting.
I personally have no problem talking about my ex (kid's dad). He was an alcoholic, which I was willing to deal with until he would vanish for weeks at a time. First it was fear, then anger, then resentment, etc. I finally left after 8 + years.
But to go a bit more off topic - when is appropriate then to have the ex talk? How do you even bring such a topic up? Usually the men I have dated blab it all out, but the one I have been on 2 dates with now hasn't said a thing. I am sure he won't be the only one. Thoughts?0 -
To be absolutely honest, I don't care to hear about a man's ex's. It's his past and I want to move towards the future. Understandably, most men ask about my ex-husband either prior to or during the first date. I have sole custody, he lives 600 miles away. Most men will ask about his role in their life. Most single, never married, men will ask why the marriage ended. I don't mind explaining if it puts their mind at ease.
As the relationship moves forward, I am interested in knowing more about the ex-wife only if there are kids involved. I don't want his kids to suffer for our relationship and I don't want to step on her toes. If there are no kids, I don't ask.0 -
To be absolutely honest, I don't care to hear about a man's ex's. It's his past and I want to move towards the future. Understandably, most men ask about my ex-husband either prior to or during the first date. I have sole custody, he lives 600 miles away. Most men will ask about his role in their life. Most single, never married, men will ask why the marriage ended. I don't mind explaining if it puts their mind at ease.
As the relationship moves forward, I am interested in knowing more about the ex-wife only if there are kids involved. I don't want his kids to suffer for our relationship and I don't want to step on her toes. If there are no kids, I don't ask.
Oh yeah, if there are kids I understand wanting to know a little. But I'm single, no kids - so you get no information
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Really? I want to know about the exes, what they learned from relationships, what they enjoyed, what has negative connotations, and how it relates to who they are now. I like people who enjoy learning and talking about themselves though and are big on self improvement. Then again..that is where I am right now and admittedly have tons of baggage (which I am only now realizing).
And when do I bring up dealbreakers and exes? Probably pre-first date in some ways. Not on purpose..it just happens. What saves me though is a sarcastic and playful sense of humour which generally neutralizes my more intense parts.0 -
Really? I want to know about the exes, what they learned from relationships, what they enjoyed, what has negative connotations, and how it relates to who they are now. I like people who enjoy learning and talking about themselves though and are big on self improvement. Then again..that is where I am right now and admittedly have tons of baggage (which I am only now realizing).
Yup, I can learn about things like that without specifically asking about exes. When I was younger I wanted to know everything, till I realized it made me feel bad and caused too many problems, and it was utterly useless info. So now my policy is no info, I want to move forward, not back.0 -
Really? I want to know about the exes, what they learned from relationships, what they enjoyed, what has negative connotations, and how it relates to who they are now. I like people who enjoy learning and talking about themselves though and are big on self improvement. Then again..that is where I am right now and admittedly have tons of baggage (which I am only now realizing).
Yup, I can learn about things like that without specifically asking about exes. When I was younger I wanted to know everything, till I realized it made me feel bad and caused too many problems, and it was utterly useless info. So now my policy is no info, I want to move forward, not back.
I appreciate this and I don't.... I went into my last relationship and didn't care, but I failed to miss/lose out on some valuable info. Who knows, he may have lied even if I did ask. So now do I really care exactly what happened? no.. but I want some sort of an idea. With this guy I have been on 2 dates with, I got some info/did some math when he was talking about something not directly related to his ex but his past -- but it gave me all the dates I needed without asking (ie he was talking about his step daugther and doing math I found out that they were together about 16 years and divorced for 4, simply by him mentioning her) Oh and I guess I found out about a step daugther too LOL!0 -
Yes, I've found the same as Urban... I'll learn what I need to about him through our interactions. I have had men "come clean" and just share so much. I'll listen nicely, but it really means nothing unless they are still stuck in that moment. But, it's pretty clear to see when a man is still hung up on another woman or not emotionally attached to you. Being hung up is enough reason for me to walk. If he's not emotionally attached to me, I'll give it a little time to make sure it's not just a bad day or week. But, I'm a good judge of character and won't dig for dirt.
I did it in the past as well, but definitely during my periods of self-reflection. So, maybe that's why it doesn't bother me now? I know that there are things that happen in a relationship and you never really get the full story if he's the only one telling it. So, why stress it?0 -
I know that there are things that happen in a relationship and you never really get the full story if he's the only one telling it. So, why stress it?
Exactly, there are 3 sides to every story.
I generally don't mind if a man indulges to me about his past, but you are right, you need to figure out if that means he isn't over his past, etc. Remember the 'pole dancing ex who got pregnant to trap him'? haha scary!0 -
I did it in the past as well, but definitely during my periods of self-reflection. So, maybe that's why it doesn't bother me now? I know that there are things that happen in a relationship and you never really get the full story if he's the only one telling it. So, why stress it?
Exactly, you are never going to get the full truth, or maybe not even part of it. And it always leads to more questions, more curiosity.
Kimad - the fact that your ex had gambling debt and remortgaged his house is something you should have been told about for that sake alone, not because his wife left him due to that - that part doesnt really have much to do with the story. And I think its way too soon to be worried about why a guy hasn't brought up exes after just 2 dates, you should worry about if someone wants to talk about it that soon.0 -
Since so many of my current issues are caused by past events where i just got shafted through trying to do the right thing, i tend to not bring them up. If asked directly, ill explain fully, and hopefully they will understand.
Another point is not only when to mention the dealbreakers, but in how much detail? Vonnie told me that she had an...issue, that she had to take a tablet a day for...but wouldn't expand on that. Turns out if was far more serious than i had thought, as i had never been told the extent of it.
Then again, would being told earlier have made me change anything?0
