When to bring up potential dealbreakers
Replies
-
Really? I want to know about the exes, what they learned from relationships, what they enjoyed, what has negative connotations, and how it relates to who they are now. I like people who enjoy learning and talking about themselves though and are big on self improvement. Then again..that is where I am right now and admittedly have tons of baggage (which I am only now realizing).
And when do I bring up dealbreakers and exes? Probably pre-first date in some ways. Not on purpose..it just happens. What saves me though is a sarcastic and playful sense of humour which generally neutralizes my more intense parts.0 -
Really? I want to know about the exes, what they learned from relationships, what they enjoyed, what has negative connotations, and how it relates to who they are now. I like people who enjoy learning and talking about themselves though and are big on self improvement. Then again..that is where I am right now and admittedly have tons of baggage (which I am only now realizing).
Yup, I can learn about things like that without specifically asking about exes. When I was younger I wanted to know everything, till I realized it made me feel bad and caused too many problems, and it was utterly useless info. So now my policy is no info, I want to move forward, not back.0 -
Really? I want to know about the exes, what they learned from relationships, what they enjoyed, what has negative connotations, and how it relates to who they are now. I like people who enjoy learning and talking about themselves though and are big on self improvement. Then again..that is where I am right now and admittedly have tons of baggage (which I am only now realizing).
Yup, I can learn about things like that without specifically asking about exes. When I was younger I wanted to know everything, till I realized it made me feel bad and caused too many problems, and it was utterly useless info. So now my policy is no info, I want to move forward, not back.
I appreciate this and I don't.... I went into my last relationship and didn't care, but I failed to miss/lose out on some valuable info. Who knows, he may have lied even if I did ask. So now do I really care exactly what happened? no.. but I want some sort of an idea. With this guy I have been on 2 dates with, I got some info/did some math when he was talking about something not directly related to his ex but his past -- but it gave me all the dates I needed without asking (ie he was talking about his step daugther and doing math I found out that they were together about 16 years and divorced for 4, simply by him mentioning her) Oh and I guess I found out about a step daugther too LOL!0 -
Yes, I've found the same as Urban... I'll learn what I need to about him through our interactions. I have had men "come clean" and just share so much. I'll listen nicely, but it really means nothing unless they are still stuck in that moment. But, it's pretty clear to see when a man is still hung up on another woman or not emotionally attached to you. Being hung up is enough reason for me to walk. If he's not emotionally attached to me, I'll give it a little time to make sure it's not just a bad day or week. But, I'm a good judge of character and won't dig for dirt.
I did it in the past as well, but definitely during my periods of self-reflection. So, maybe that's why it doesn't bother me now? I know that there are things that happen in a relationship and you never really get the full story if he's the only one telling it. So, why stress it?0 -
I know that there are things that happen in a relationship and you never really get the full story if he's the only one telling it. So, why stress it?
Exactly, there are 3 sides to every story.
I generally don't mind if a man indulges to me about his past, but you are right, you need to figure out if that means he isn't over his past, etc. Remember the 'pole dancing ex who got pregnant to trap him'? haha scary!0 -
I did it in the past as well, but definitely during my periods of self-reflection. So, maybe that's why it doesn't bother me now? I know that there are things that happen in a relationship and you never really get the full story if he's the only one telling it. So, why stress it?
Exactly, you are never going to get the full truth, or maybe not even part of it. And it always leads to more questions, more curiosity.
Kimad - the fact that your ex had gambling debt and remortgaged his house is something you should have been told about for that sake alone, not because his wife left him due to that - that part doesnt really have much to do with the story. And I think its way too soon to be worried about why a guy hasn't brought up exes after just 2 dates, you should worry about if someone wants to talk about it that soon.0 -
Since so many of my current issues are caused by past events where i just got shafted through trying to do the right thing, i tend to not bring them up. If asked directly, ill explain fully, and hopefully they will understand.
Another point is not only when to mention the dealbreakers, but in how much detail? Vonnie told me that she had an...issue, that she had to take a tablet a day for...but wouldn't expand on that. Turns out if was far more serious than i had thought, as i had never been told the extent of it.
Then again, would being told earlier have made me change anything?0
