Anyone's spouse so supportive that it makes you insecure?
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Adah_m
Posts: 216 Member
Hello,
When I opened my MFP account quite a while ago, I had a partner who was very overweight, like I was at the time. Unfortunately, circumstances happenned and he and I found out we were a very poor match. After a few months of being single I met the love of my life, and about a year later married him. He is incredibly healthy, so in my own weight loss it felt great to suddenly have a partner who I could look up to regarding health and fitness.
I'm already pretty sure that I'm being kind of nuts about this, but I need perspective. I know I should actually be grateful that my husband is my biggest cheerleader in my weight loss, but sometimes he is so supportive that it makes me feel like he's overly concerned with me losing weight.
Before I met my husband, I lost 50 lbs, and I've lost another 50 since we've been together, largely with his help. He's incredible. But there are times when I feel like his support becomes pushy.
Now before I explain this, so I don't make him sound like an ogre, you need to know a little bit about him. He's incredibly disciplined. The rest of the world (or people like me) sometimes say "tomorrow I will get up 10 minutes early and have a good stretch or brisk walk, or whatever" HE follows through. Always, the man does not change his mind for anything. He never sleeps in, he never stays up late, he takes exactly 7 minutes to shower from start to finish (I know, I've timed him out of curiosity.) He decides things and does them on nothing but will power. The man dumps ice cold buckets of water on himself because he believes it's good for him, in the middle of winter. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dousing) I really admire him for having such a sharp intention, and not speaking words or wanting things without immediately taking action to make them happen. It seems like a given, yet he's the only one I know who has perfected it. It makes him the perfect partner, he's incredibly effective at everything he does. But let's not underestimate me either, I also believe in not speaking or wanting something without immediately doing what it takes to make it happen. I decided to quit smoking somewhere 6 months or so ago, on something like a Tuesday morning when I was absent mindedly drinking a cup of coffee outside of work. I haven't smoked since. So it's not like I don't have my own healthy dose of intention.
He is a chef, so he takes responsibility for cooking me very healthy dinners, he makes everything from scratch, he cooks with only fresh ingredients, and he makes everything delicious. I absolutely love him for it. This way I'm not trying to eat lean cuisine with x1000 sodium, and can really enjoy my meals. He does go over the top with portion control though, and on several occasions I've had to gently say that no one can survive on a quarter cup of zuchini and maybe 2 ounces of grilled chicken. It makes me feel weak to say that I need more food, even if I'm walking around with a headache and the shakes from low blood sugar. I feel like I'm overly concerned with food when he snacks all day, but when I come home for lunch from work and he's prepared a sandwich for us to share. I don't know how to say "a half a sandwich isn't enough food, I'm going to be uncomfortable." Because it will make him think I'm not dedicated. He doesn't seem to really believe the research I've done, and doesn't understand calorie intake.
He buys junk food when we're grocery shopping, which I don't mind at all (This man could stand to gain a few pounds) but then he wraps it up in a bag and puts it on the top shelf of the cupboard, which I feel means he's hiding it from me. I'm not sure whether to be offended and take it as a slight against his belief in my self control, or to think he's trying to be kind and not tempt me. Of course I assume the latter, but yeesh.
Also, encouraging me to work out has gotten old. I've reassured my husband that I want to work out and be healthy, and I do exercise regularly, but he insists that the elliptical is not "working out" and that it's doing me no good. He scoffs every time I'm on it (high intensity, high speed even), sweat poring down my face, and tells me he thinks it would be more beneficial to jog. No matter how many times I remind him that my well-endowed upper half that he loves so much hinders me to the point of pain when it comes to jogging. He's also incredibly dedicated to internal marshal arts, so his belief in exercising means crouching into a squat (for lack of better explanation for this position) and remaining in that position for 30 minutes to an hour.
I know that he married me, he's been with me through this whole journey, and he loves me no matter my size. He tells me he's being supportive and not to think he's trying to push me to lose weight. He knows I'm incredibly insecure and he says he thinks me achieving my goals will help me be more confident and he wants that for me. He's very affectionate, he compliments me often, he acts like he absolutely loves my body, and he tells me that he would hate if I get too skinny and he's really going to miss the way I am now, but he wants me to be healthy and happy so he's behind me in the weight loss if it's what I want. All of this reassurance feels great, but then his actions seem to disagree.
To be honest, I think my insecurity comes from thinking he's pushing me to lose weight because he's ashamed or something. Usually I'm beyond thoughts like that, but sometimes in the midst of a super stressful day when all I want to do is skip my workout just once and eat a handful of pretzels a few hours before dinner, and he's giving me a judgemental look, my mind gets away from me and I think he's not going to be happy if I'm not a body builder by the end of this.
I feel like having lost 100 lbs already, (today was the day I weighed myself and finally got that 100!) he should give me more credit, trust that obviously I can do it because I have a closet full of clothes that are now too big to show for it, and remember that I lost quite a bit of that weight before I met him.
It's not characteristic of him to not do the research to understand something, he almost always does his homework and is well informed. He just has this illusion in his mind that giving me an apple to take to work for lunch and believing this should sustain me after no breakfast until I come home for dinner, is just not healthy. It makes me feel guilty when I break down halfway through the day because I have a headache and spring for a cereal bar or something.
It's my immediate feeling that the only way to get him to understand that supporting me means encouraging HEALTHY habits, not pressuring me to starve myself, is to introduce him to MFP (which I've sort of done) and give him the literature and research showing how much food a person needs and that what he's giving me is going to put my body into starvation mode and force me to eat behind his back, which then makes me feel untrustworthy.
Help?
When I opened my MFP account quite a while ago, I had a partner who was very overweight, like I was at the time. Unfortunately, circumstances happenned and he and I found out we were a very poor match. After a few months of being single I met the love of my life, and about a year later married him. He is incredibly healthy, so in my own weight loss it felt great to suddenly have a partner who I could look up to regarding health and fitness.
I'm already pretty sure that I'm being kind of nuts about this, but I need perspective. I know I should actually be grateful that my husband is my biggest cheerleader in my weight loss, but sometimes he is so supportive that it makes me feel like he's overly concerned with me losing weight.
Before I met my husband, I lost 50 lbs, and I've lost another 50 since we've been together, largely with his help. He's incredible. But there are times when I feel like his support becomes pushy.
Now before I explain this, so I don't make him sound like an ogre, you need to know a little bit about him. He's incredibly disciplined. The rest of the world (or people like me) sometimes say "tomorrow I will get up 10 minutes early and have a good stretch or brisk walk, or whatever" HE follows through. Always, the man does not change his mind for anything. He never sleeps in, he never stays up late, he takes exactly 7 minutes to shower from start to finish (I know, I've timed him out of curiosity.) He decides things and does them on nothing but will power. The man dumps ice cold buckets of water on himself because he believes it's good for him, in the middle of winter. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dousing) I really admire him for having such a sharp intention, and not speaking words or wanting things without immediately taking action to make them happen. It seems like a given, yet he's the only one I know who has perfected it. It makes him the perfect partner, he's incredibly effective at everything he does. But let's not underestimate me either, I also believe in not speaking or wanting something without immediately doing what it takes to make it happen. I decided to quit smoking somewhere 6 months or so ago, on something like a Tuesday morning when I was absent mindedly drinking a cup of coffee outside of work. I haven't smoked since. So it's not like I don't have my own healthy dose of intention.
He is a chef, so he takes responsibility for cooking me very healthy dinners, he makes everything from scratch, he cooks with only fresh ingredients, and he makes everything delicious. I absolutely love him for it. This way I'm not trying to eat lean cuisine with x1000 sodium, and can really enjoy my meals. He does go over the top with portion control though, and on several occasions I've had to gently say that no one can survive on a quarter cup of zuchini and maybe 2 ounces of grilled chicken. It makes me feel weak to say that I need more food, even if I'm walking around with a headache and the shakes from low blood sugar. I feel like I'm overly concerned with food when he snacks all day, but when I come home for lunch from work and he's prepared a sandwich for us to share. I don't know how to say "a half a sandwich isn't enough food, I'm going to be uncomfortable." Because it will make him think I'm not dedicated. He doesn't seem to really believe the research I've done, and doesn't understand calorie intake.
He buys junk food when we're grocery shopping, which I don't mind at all (This man could stand to gain a few pounds) but then he wraps it up in a bag and puts it on the top shelf of the cupboard, which I feel means he's hiding it from me. I'm not sure whether to be offended and take it as a slight against his belief in my self control, or to think he's trying to be kind and not tempt me. Of course I assume the latter, but yeesh.
Also, encouraging me to work out has gotten old. I've reassured my husband that I want to work out and be healthy, and I do exercise regularly, but he insists that the elliptical is not "working out" and that it's doing me no good. He scoffs every time I'm on it (high intensity, high speed even), sweat poring down my face, and tells me he thinks it would be more beneficial to jog. No matter how many times I remind him that my well-endowed upper half that he loves so much hinders me to the point of pain when it comes to jogging. He's also incredibly dedicated to internal marshal arts, so his belief in exercising means crouching into a squat (for lack of better explanation for this position) and remaining in that position for 30 minutes to an hour.
I know that he married me, he's been with me through this whole journey, and he loves me no matter my size. He tells me he's being supportive and not to think he's trying to push me to lose weight. He knows I'm incredibly insecure and he says he thinks me achieving my goals will help me be more confident and he wants that for me. He's very affectionate, he compliments me often, he acts like he absolutely loves my body, and he tells me that he would hate if I get too skinny and he's really going to miss the way I am now, but he wants me to be healthy and happy so he's behind me in the weight loss if it's what I want. All of this reassurance feels great, but then his actions seem to disagree.
To be honest, I think my insecurity comes from thinking he's pushing me to lose weight because he's ashamed or something. Usually I'm beyond thoughts like that, but sometimes in the midst of a super stressful day when all I want to do is skip my workout just once and eat a handful of pretzels a few hours before dinner, and he's giving me a judgemental look, my mind gets away from me and I think he's not going to be happy if I'm not a body builder by the end of this.
I feel like having lost 100 lbs already, (today was the day I weighed myself and finally got that 100!) he should give me more credit, trust that obviously I can do it because I have a closet full of clothes that are now too big to show for it, and remember that I lost quite a bit of that weight before I met him.
It's not characteristic of him to not do the research to understand something, he almost always does his homework and is well informed. He just has this illusion in his mind that giving me an apple to take to work for lunch and believing this should sustain me after no breakfast until I come home for dinner, is just not healthy. It makes me feel guilty when I break down halfway through the day because I have a headache and spring for a cereal bar or something.
It's my immediate feeling that the only way to get him to understand that supporting me means encouraging HEALTHY habits, not pressuring me to starve myself, is to introduce him to MFP (which I've sort of done) and give him the literature and research showing how much food a person needs and that what he's giving me is going to put my body into starvation mode and force me to eat behind his back, which then makes me feel untrustworthy.
Help?
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