Was Fat, now Average/Thin (Book Excerpt-long post)

JanieJack

Folks, the recent blog re-posted by dbrightwell in the “SERIOUSLY” thread reminded me of the section of my upcoming book that will be posted on my website as a teaser. The book was sent to the editor back in Jan, and I hope to have it in bookstores this summer. I’d like to share this section with you and would love your feedback (and typo/grammar feedback though I should hope my editor will catch them).

I would also love to talk to more women who noticed other women receiving the"fat girl treatment" after they lost a significant amount of weight.

Oh, and please note this is a religious-based book for women. If you do not like religious writing, perhaps you’d like to just skip this post.

Enjoy!

JJ

One Last, Essential Point About the Body

There’s one more point I’d like to make about the body, and I apologize in advance, because this part of the book might offend the people who most need to read it. We hear all the time, “Looks don’t matter! It’s what’s inside that counts,” and we’re taught, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

But, how true is that, really?

How we look is a HUGE factor in how people treat us. I was shocked to learn this years ago, when I lost a substantial amount of weight (remember that “starve myself plan” I told you about?). Not only did people treat me better, but they began to say things to me (not realizing how heavy I used to be) about other people who were a little overweight. I saw people getting what others call “the fat girl treatment.” I absolutely hated to gain 65 lbs during pregnancy because I was in the process of moving to a new state, and I was afraid of getting the “fat girl treatment” from people who were just meeting me for the first time. And, boy, did I get it! Those people hadn’t seen the thin, productive me. They only knew what looked like someone who was lazy (not true), sloppy (not true), with no discipline (not true), who turned to food when stressed or upset (well… it DID take a long time to lose the weight, so I have to admit that’s partly true!!).

Please don’t be upset with me if you are heavy… I’m not trying to stereotype here, I just don’t know how else to explain it. I know, and you know, that you are a wonderful person. Of course you are! And I’m not just saying that because you’re reading my book, I promise. You are one of God’s choice creations. He knew you before you were even formed in the womb. He’s numbered every hair on your head, and has promised to provide for your every need for as long as you will allow Him. The Creator of the Universe thinks that you are awesome enough that He was willing to sacrifice His only Son for you. I love you for THAT if for no other reason.

But, I’m not going to lie to you. Most people don’t know the Lord, and their hearts aren’t filled with His love. So they don’t love you with a godly love. There are people who are just really nice and love everyone, but most people love for paltry, superficial reasons. The guy at the drivers license office probably doesn’t care how much God loves you. Your coworkers may never get to find out how amazing you are because they are too shallow to get beyond how you look. It’s not our fault most people are so petty, but since we have to live in this world, it’s up to us to deal with their pettiness.

The type of mate we attract, the way people help us (or don’t) when we are requesting service or assistance, even the way we break into a new career field, are all impacted by the way we look.

Once people know how valuable we are, they tend to look past how our appearance degrades over time. Unfortunately, many people just meeting us won’t give us the chance to prove how wonderful and valuable we are- they instantly judge us on our appearance, if they haven’t already been informed about our accomplishments. So often they are wrong! We can tell ourselves they are wrong all day… it will not change the fact that they judged us and treated us accordingly.

Yes! I KNOW! People are wrong to discriminate against those of us who “take up more space” than others, but it doesn’t change the fact that they DO. Pointing out that those people are wrong may make us feel better, but it doesn’t change the fact that healthier, slimmer, better looking people have an easier time requesting help, finding jobs, and building friendships (and relationships).

One of my former youth group members, a very petite, very well groomed young lady, was hired as a receptionist and relayed the following story to me: She had very little experience as a receptionist, and the other applicant had over 5 years of experience. The other applicant knew all the software (my young friend didn’t), and had a very sweet personality (whereas my young friend still needed the Lord to work on her attitude). She overheard the person doing the interview simply tell the owner, “We have two girls- one is thin and cute, but no experience. The other one is really experienced, but heavy.” The owner’s response? “Give me the thin one.” This kind of stuff happens every day. I promise you I am not making it up. We can complain all day about discrimination, and the heavy girl could have sued, I suppose. Even if she won, it will never change the fact that people judge us by how we look.

Another story; one that breaks my heart. At one point in my life I worked for a very powerful General. One of his managers came to educate him on some impressive cost savings her office was generating for him. You could tell, listening to her, that she really knew her stuff. She had every fact and figure stored in her head (and artfully presented for him in a portfolio), sharp answers to all his questions, and was a good enough leader to give each person who accompanied her a chance to shine before the big boss. She was impressive. But, unfortunately, the General’s staff didn’t remember her for that. They remembered her for how long it took her to get settled once the General took his place at the head of the table. They remembered her for having to first stow her walker and then work herself into the chair, moving rolls of fat around the armrests so she could fit. I don’t know what kind of medical problems this woman had which contributed to her substantial weight. All I know is that so much of her impressive leadership and attention to detail went out the window. If I asked people today about her presentation, no one (except, I hope, the General) would remember it. If I asked about that heavy lady who took 10 minutes to push her body around until she fit into the chair, not only would everyone remember, but they would ridicule her about how if she was such a great worker, why didn’t she do something about all that weight? Does this sound harsh? It should! Because the world is harsh. No one cares about medical problems, previous injuries, bad reactions to medication, etc. Many people are selfish and petty and only care about making themselves feel better. They feel better by treating others badly. And guess what? We have to live, work, and be happy anyway!

Have you ever been upset in a restaurant that the waiter seems to dote on the thin girls (even if they aren’t as pretty as we are!) and ignores us (even if we are well dressed and will probably leave a bigger tip)… it’s like we are invisible when we are heavy! No fair! But life is not fair! What are YOU going to do about it?

Thankfully, God will not judge us on our appearance! And really, people shouldn’t either. But, we have to be realistic. If you are having trouble attracting the mate you deserve, or if you are having trouble with people taking you seriously (even though you are very smart and have a wealth of experience), I humbly suggest you ask the Lord if your appearance has something to do with it. I know mine did. And I was ANGRY to discover it did. Those naturally thin people didn’t know how HARD it was to keep my weight down.

And it’s not just weight! People with intense scarring, disfigurement, and birth defects get judged unfairly, too! Who can control things like that? It’s not a burn victim’s fault that she will forever bear the marks of her ordeal. It’s not fair of the world to constantly penalize her for something that’s not her fault. But people do. They unfairly judge her for getting tired of covering her scars with layers of makeup. I’m sorry people are like this. And I don’t pretend to understand it. All I know is that when I started taking better care of myself, and improving my appearance, people started treating me better.

Now, I will never be a size 0 (or even a size 8!) but I know that I am in great shape. I always either max or come very close to maxing my military fitness tests. I run 2-4 half marathons and marathons a year. I swim, bike, kickbox, etc. I am very healthy, and while I’ll never be up on the runway, I am pleased with my appearance. I’m not asking you to lose 50 pounds. I’m simply asking you to take care of your body so that you can be the best you possible.

flimflamfloz

I agree with the (kind of horrible) message in your excerpt. Life is often *kitten*, and there isn't much we can do about it apart from complying.

But, I’m not going to lie to you. Most people don’t know the Lord, and their hearts aren’t filled with His love. So they don’t love you with a godly love.

Well... The way I see things is that the "godly love" is probably a different kind of love from the "relationship love". Actually, I would rather be loved for myself rather than loved of godly love which is indiscriminate.
Why do you godly-love me? Simply because I am.
Why do you relationship-love me? Because I feel deep inside of me, for personal reasons, that you are a wonderful individual.

Nobody should expect to be relationship-loved anyway. Nobody "deserves" this kind of relationship-love more than anyone else, because it comes from another person for their own personal reasons, which is why we attract only some individuals and not all individuals. It is discerning and discriminate, as opposed to the godly-love.

Funny thing is we admit readily that someone will earn more because he is a hard working person, but in relationship, suddenly we expect that everyone will get their share - for no reason?
Sure. In an ideal world, I would like everyone to be relationship-loved. But the fact is I simply cannot command that. Because it is a personal battle. Because it is between you and another individual. It has strictly nothing to do with me.

Your coworkers may never get to find out how amazing you are because they are too shallow to get beyond how you look. It’s not our fault most people are so petty, but since we have to live in this world, it’s up to us to deal with their pettiness.

If it was my book I would open a whole passage on hypocrisy. Or more specifically on introspection.
That if right now, you stop and think about the person of your dream and try to picture them in details, in various life situations, you probably didn't have pictures of obese people popping in your mind. Well... Other people are the same as you (which should be reassuring in a way).

The type of mate we attract, the way people help us (or don’t) when we are requesting service or assistance, even the way we break into a new career field, are all impacted by the way we look.

Yep. There is some literature and evidence that supports this. I get that you are coming with the religious angle though, fair enough!

I’m simply asking you to take care of your body so that you can be the best you possible.

Yep. Any plan should include two parts: immediate action and prevention/change. So you can also fight for your cause on the side for the next generation ("stop harassing heavier people!"), but don't forget to act now because you will probably not be alive to see the changes - and everyone deserves happiness now.

Interesting read.

JanieJack

If it was my book I would open a whole passage on hypocrisy. Or more specifically on introspection.
That if right now, you stop and think about the person of your dream and try to picture them in details, in various life situations, you probably didn't have pictures of obese people popping in your mind. Well... Other people are the same as you

That's awesome!

MaraDiaz

The guy at the drivers license office probably doesn’t care how much God loves you.

That would explain the awful photo I always end up with on my license. I think the DMV hires people who don't care how much anyone loves us to take those pictures. To be fair if I had to spend all day taking photos of people after they waited in line five hours to pay a fee and take an eye test I wouldn't care about much of anything either.