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Why you shouldn't google your dates
MissingMinnesota
Posts: 7,486 Member
http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/stop-googling-dates-heres-why-170000025.html
Stop Googling Your Dates! Here's Why
By Smitten, Glamour Magazine
PostsBy Smitten, Glamour Magazine | Love + Sex – 2 hours 45 minutes ago
It's a phenomenon called "pre-dating": the online sleuthing you do to learn about a guy's ex, his job, his Spotify playlist. But is it smart? Maybe not if you want, y'know, a relationship.
Is the time you spend with someone's online persona messing with what might develop in real life once you're actually together? Experts say absolutely yes. "Too much information is detrimental," explains Amy Van Doran, a matchmaker in New York City. "It makes it hard to fall in love. For that, you have to be in the moment." Still tempted to snoop? Tough love time. Here are a few hard-core reasons you shouldn't:
1) You turn into a comparison shopper.
49% of women would cancel a first date because of something they found out about him online, according to a Match.com study.
"You're trying to suss out: Will this person and I have a connection? Actually, there is no evidence that we can assess that online," says Eli J. Finkel, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, whose research on online dating shows that misconceptions are rampant. "You think you know what you want, but what you really need is to sit across from each other and get a beer."
2) You hijack the chemistry.
In-person conversations allow you to take into account your date's tone of voice, body language, and facial expression-and to open yourself up to things you might dismiss online. "You can't determine if somebody is a potential mate by any means other than being together and looking into his eyes," says Brian Alexander, coauthor of The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction. And he means looking into someone's eyes literally: "Eye gaze is one of the chief tools humans have used throughout evolution to gauge each other's intentions," explains Alexander; biologically, it triggers the release of neurochemicals like oxytocin, a hormone that lowers anxiety and increases our ability to get close. Touching and having an intimate conversation can do the same.
No hormones are released, however, when you Yahoo- search someone. "If we sat down and rationally thought about it, we would never fall in love," asserts Alexander, "and we would certainly never have babies, because it's a pain in the *kitten*." That's where all the neurochemicals come in. In the throes of attraction, you're more willing to date a guy who doesn't exactly match all your criteria but, as you get to know him, turns out to be the perfect long-term mate. "Love makes you stupid for a good reason," Alexander says.
3) You get too judge-y.
Another reason to go easy on the online digging: The more you learn about someone, the harsher you may judge him, according to one study.
"If it's between four minutes in front of each other or 20 hours of Google-stalking, I'd meet in person."
"Fantasy is important when you have a crush," my friend Clarke told me, explaining why she abstains from Facebook research before a date. "You can destroy the excitement if you think you know stuff about someone. It's so much more fun to have your feelings for a person not be colored by anything."
But let's be real...
So what's a tech-savvy, time-strapped, and curious girl to do? Obviously, some digital diligence can save you from disaster (guy with girlfriend, serious drunk, misogynist, jihadist, ax murderer). But how do you not kill the mystery?
Don't be too quick to hit delete. If your searching turns up three DUIs or a blog of photos of him setting squirrels on fire, well, you're right to run. But smaller turnoffs shouldn't be deal breakers. His cheesy emoticons may seem endearing by the time he's also showing his feelings by stroking your hand and feeding you Phish Food.
Google yourself. You're not the only one Internet-stalking; he's doing it too. It helps to know what he's finding out-and to be reminded that not everyone is perfect.
Finally, if you've already fallen for a guy through online clues before going on your first date, don't expect a walking incarnation of Prince Charming. As one friend described it, "There's a fictional element to all your interactions online. It's like reading a novel about someone. Then in person, you meet the big-screen version of the character-kind of different! Maybe very different! Maybe the actors don't even resemble the characters in your head." But as long as you're not spending the whole movie making comparisons to the book, you could actually enjoy yourself.
Samantha Henig is the online editor at The New York Times Magazine and coauthor, with Robin Marantz Henig, of Twentysomething.
Stop Googling Your Dates! Here's Why
By Smitten, Glamour Magazine
PostsBy Smitten, Glamour Magazine | Love + Sex – 2 hours 45 minutes ago
It's a phenomenon called "pre-dating": the online sleuthing you do to learn about a guy's ex, his job, his Spotify playlist. But is it smart? Maybe not if you want, y'know, a relationship.
Is the time you spend with someone's online persona messing with what might develop in real life once you're actually together? Experts say absolutely yes. "Too much information is detrimental," explains Amy Van Doran, a matchmaker in New York City. "It makes it hard to fall in love. For that, you have to be in the moment." Still tempted to snoop? Tough love time. Here are a few hard-core reasons you shouldn't:
1) You turn into a comparison shopper.
49% of women would cancel a first date because of something they found out about him online, according to a Match.com study.
"You're trying to suss out: Will this person and I have a connection? Actually, there is no evidence that we can assess that online," says Eli J. Finkel, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Northwestern University in Evanston, Illinois, whose research on online dating shows that misconceptions are rampant. "You think you know what you want, but what you really need is to sit across from each other and get a beer."
2) You hijack the chemistry.
In-person conversations allow you to take into account your date's tone of voice, body language, and facial expression-and to open yourself up to things you might dismiss online. "You can't determine if somebody is a potential mate by any means other than being together and looking into his eyes," says Brian Alexander, coauthor of The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction. And he means looking into someone's eyes literally: "Eye gaze is one of the chief tools humans have used throughout evolution to gauge each other's intentions," explains Alexander; biologically, it triggers the release of neurochemicals like oxytocin, a hormone that lowers anxiety and increases our ability to get close. Touching and having an intimate conversation can do the same.
No hormones are released, however, when you Yahoo- search someone. "If we sat down and rationally thought about it, we would never fall in love," asserts Alexander, "and we would certainly never have babies, because it's a pain in the *kitten*." That's where all the neurochemicals come in. In the throes of attraction, you're more willing to date a guy who doesn't exactly match all your criteria but, as you get to know him, turns out to be the perfect long-term mate. "Love makes you stupid for a good reason," Alexander says.
3) You get too judge-y.
Another reason to go easy on the online digging: The more you learn about someone, the harsher you may judge him, according to one study.
"If it's between four minutes in front of each other or 20 hours of Google-stalking, I'd meet in person."
"Fantasy is important when you have a crush," my friend Clarke told me, explaining why she abstains from Facebook research before a date. "You can destroy the excitement if you think you know stuff about someone. It's so much more fun to have your feelings for a person not be colored by anything."
But let's be real...
So what's a tech-savvy, time-strapped, and curious girl to do? Obviously, some digital diligence can save you from disaster (guy with girlfriend, serious drunk, misogynist, jihadist, ax murderer). But how do you not kill the mystery?
Don't be too quick to hit delete. If your searching turns up three DUIs or a blog of photos of him setting squirrels on fire, well, you're right to run. But smaller turnoffs shouldn't be deal breakers. His cheesy emoticons may seem endearing by the time he's also showing his feelings by stroking your hand and feeding you Phish Food.
Google yourself. You're not the only one Internet-stalking; he's doing it too. It helps to know what he's finding out-and to be reminded that not everyone is perfect.
Finally, if you've already fallen for a guy through online clues before going on your first date, don't expect a walking incarnation of Prince Charming. As one friend described it, "There's a fictional element to all your interactions online. It's like reading a novel about someone. Then in person, you meet the big-screen version of the character-kind of different! Maybe very different! Maybe the actors don't even resemble the characters in your head." But as long as you're not spending the whole movie making comparisons to the book, you could actually enjoy yourself.
Samantha Henig is the online editor at The New York Times Magazine and coauthor, with Robin Marantz Henig, of Twentysomething.
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Replies
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I see this as one more reason to NOT do online dating.
Not that anyone who would google me could find too much anyway (well, with the information I would accept to give on a dating site that is).0 -
When I went on a blind date my friend wouldn't give me his last name so I wouldn't be tempted to creep...it was actually real nice not having to pretend I didn't know all this stuff when I actually did!0
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bump0
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True story. I found that I also could get worked up by the fantasy of someone created in my imagination based on online info, just to be disappointed in person.0
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Yeah, I dont do it or agree with it anyway. I think its a gross invasion of privacy.
Agreed with Florian that it's another reason not to 'shop' online! Creepy indeed! :noway:0 -
If I do do online dates I will google the person, as I've had a fair few dates where the woman is far from her online persona.0
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If I do do online dates I will google the person, as I've had a fair few dates where the woman is far from her online persona.
I'm secretly a unicorn.0 -
If I do do online dates I will google the person, as I've had a fair few dates where the woman is far from her online persona.
I'm secretly a unicorn.
Damn it , I guess we can work past this minor difference...0 -
If I do do online dates I will google the person, as I've had a fair few dates where the woman is far from her online persona.
I'm secretly a unicorn.
Damn it , I guess we can work past this minor difference...
so you ask them their first and last name before a date? I never ask for their last name for some reason.0 -
If I do do online dates I will google the person, as I've had a fair few dates where the woman is far from her online persona.
I'm secretly a unicorn.
Damn it , I guess we can work past this minor difference...
so you ask them their first and last name before a date? I never ask for their last name for some reason.
Usually yes but if I don't there's usually sufficient information to workout who they really are.0 -
I at least want to know someone's full name and expect them to want to know mine.
I do as much googling as possible and expect them to do the same. In fact, I warn them that when cyber stalking me the first lady that comes up in google is an arm-wrestling champion and that fortunately for him that's not me. You'd be amazed at what you find. Like the guy who told me he was only 10 years older than me, but had kids older than I am. Or yet another guy who told me he was single, but recent facebook posts gush about his wife.0 -
If I do do online dates I will google the person, as I've had a fair few dates where the woman is far from her online persona.
I'm secretly a unicorn.
Damn it , I guess we can work past this minor difference...
so you ask them their first and last name before a date? I never ask for their last name for some reason.
I don't ask for a last name before I have even met them becuase I don't want them to know mine!!!0 -
If I do do online dates I will google the person, as I've had a fair few dates where the woman is far from her online persona.
I'm secretly a unicorn.
Damn it , I guess we can work past this minor difference...
So you're saying there's a chance!0 -
I don't ask for a last name before I have even met them because I don't want them to know mine!!!
I have never considered this. Thanks for explaining.0 -
I don't know that I do a full google search, but I do run CaseNet to check for criminal backgrounds/divorce status, etc.0
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I don't ask for a last name before I have even met them because I don't want them to know mine!!!
I have never considered this. Thanks for explaining.
same here, they don't need to know so much about me, i dont even like giving out my number much less my last name.
I think google-ing someone can be healthy just to verify that they are who they say they are but not to the point of stalking them.0 -
I have a habit of doing this... Now, y'all remember me dating Smiley? Wellllll if I had googled him beforehand I would have learned he had been arrested for 3lbs of weed and smoking it while his gf's kid was in the car. Not someone Id date. Granted, we all have done stupid things in our pasts but this had been 3 yrs before and the more I spent time with him, the more I saw that "I smoke pot every now and then" was really 24/7. By then, I was hooked on him and ignored this shady past.
Soooo, I learned my lesson and will google guys looking for this type of shady behavior.
Other than that, I rather learn everyday things about my dates through our interactions via dates, phone, text, etc.0 -
BTW how many of you googled yourself after reading this?
*raises hand*
I have an unusual name both first and last name. 90% of the time if you find someone with my last name spelt the same way it will be a realtive of mine. Well I found someone with my same name (first and last) that died recently and someone that had my same last name with my first name as their middle name. I am wondering if they are long lost realtives because they were both in MN/WI.0 -
If you google me, the first 5 pages of hits are about a British B-league soccer player. Then there is an inmate in Maryland who is either suing the Department of Corrections or appealing his conviction.0
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I am so not exciting if you Google me. All you'll find is a listing of various voice competitions and an old article for the student newspaper when I was interviewed in college about my role in Rigoletto senior year :laugh:0
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I agree with the article. I think most of the google stuff you would learn about a person are surface things, they like sports, or such music. My gf and I have very few surface things in common, she is Arts and Crafts and I'm sports and guy stuff. Our taste in music is far apart, or careers don't align. However our core principles, morals, and view of life are almost spot on, plus we have awesome chemistry.... so I can see how the things you learn online could potentially ruin a match.0
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lol You get my FB and another girl who is a salon owner is Salem... My last name happens to be the family name of some fictional characters in a popular childrens series so you really wont get much about me lol0
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My name is so common (with or without my middle name) that I don't appear at all on the first five pages.
I am an internet Ninja. Hiding in plain sight. KAPOW!0 -
No one will find me if they Google me. Or a regular person won't, anyway. A cop or a detective no doubt could. For now anyway.
Regardless, I shall continue to preserve the mystery. Until the first date, when I'll likely answer honestly any question I'm asked. A trait which for some reason seems to annoy the male species. Perverse creatures that they are. Most seem to say, "I just want someone honest and sincere, no games!" Except not too honest, sincere, and easygoing, because then they get bored. :laugh:0 -
No one will find me if they Google me. Or a regular person won't, anyway. A cop or a detective no doubt could. For now anyway
I went on a date with a paralegal one time and she ran a background check on me!0 -
.My name is so common (with or without my middle name) that I don't appear at all on the first five pages.
I am an internet Ninja. Hiding in plain sight. KAPOW!
Me too girl!0 -
If people Google my name, a baseball player pops up. Other than that, I'm a bit invisible.0
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No one will find me if they Google me. Or a regular person won't, anyway. A cop or a detective no doubt could. For now anyway
I went on a date with a paralegal one time and she ran a background check on me!
I have access to lexis nexis at work. If I truely wanted to find something out on someone I could. I used to be called CSI mortgage division because I would find all the fraud.0 -
Googled myself and got 5 search results, none of whom are me :laugh:0
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No one will find me if they Google me. Or a regular person won't, anyway. A cop or a detective no doubt could. For now anyway
I went on a date with a paralegal one time and she ran a background check on me!
I have access to lexis nexis at work. If I truely wanted to find something out on someone I could. I used to be called CSI mortgage division because I would find all the fraud.
You guys are right I did forget about lexis nexis. Okay fine, someone with my full name, address, and D.O.B. can run at least a credit and criminal background check on me, but it will cost them!0
