The Fat Person Inside
christchick7
Posts: 533 Member
I'm sad and scared as I write this so please bear with me...
I've been told for over a decade inside every fat person there's a skinny person waiting to get out. For a long time I was resigned to
being a size 20, and even at one point bought some fancy new clothes in that size because I thought I'd never be able to lose the pounds. With the CP and limited mobility it just seemed too hard. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital with what later turned out to be
bipolar disorder. We ate A LOT of cookies and coffee during rehab so that along with meds caused a huge weight gain. I asked for an
exercise class because of the exhaustion from the stress of going through therapy. Also we did nothing but literally sit around all day,
barely even getting up for more decaf and cookies. It was there that I "met" Leslie. Over the next 5 years I gained 55 pounds from high doses of Zoloft and Zyprexa. My all time high at 5'0" was 189 pounds. Felt depressed and exhausted, saw no way out. Eventually I got disgusted and from that decided to join WW. I was only on it a short time and failed because even online, the point
counting made me a nervous wreck. Cancelled my WW Online membership and the same day called Jenny Craig in tears. Thought
that if it was good enough for Valerie Bertinelli it was good enough for me. I stayed on JC for a year, lost almost 20 pounds, could
no longer afford it and began to experience massive PB&J cravings and gained back all I lost plus more. I stayed fat until Sept 5,
2012.
My mom had always a weight problem but wasn't obese till the very end of her life. I grew up in the 1960s and 1970s and everything
was real butter, sour cream, and A LOT of cookies, cakes etc. If I had a bad day there was hot cocoa, if I did well in school Mom and
ad would take me out for a hot fudge sundae. I never gained weight until Mom died in 1992.
Fast forward to Sept 5, 2012. I'd been thinking about Mom's weight problems, her diabetes, the eye and foot issues and her high
blood pressure. She passed at age 72 and I am only 20 years away from that now. Couldn't get that thought out of my head and
that became my wake up call. I began doing LS again and later adjusted most of my eating habits. Which leads to my current
realization...
Very recently it's begun to land on me that it's not just the food. I am totally still struggling with sweets and not drinking enough
water(thank goodness for Mio). What I sense now is that inside this thinning person is a fat person waiting to get out. The past
two days I've clocked in at over 2000 cals. Which is strange because I often struggle to hit 1600, and before that I struggled to
hit 1200.
Like I've said, I'm sad and scared and to be honest, panicked. I've begun to think it's inevitable that this time will be like all the
others, and I feel that the weight will come back. Would it be possible to talk about the fat person inside?
I've been told for over a decade inside every fat person there's a skinny person waiting to get out. For a long time I was resigned to
being a size 20, and even at one point bought some fancy new clothes in that size because I thought I'd never be able to lose the pounds. With the CP and limited mobility it just seemed too hard. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital with what later turned out to be
bipolar disorder. We ate A LOT of cookies and coffee during rehab so that along with meds caused a huge weight gain. I asked for an
exercise class because of the exhaustion from the stress of going through therapy. Also we did nothing but literally sit around all day,
barely even getting up for more decaf and cookies. It was there that I "met" Leslie. Over the next 5 years I gained 55 pounds from high doses of Zoloft and Zyprexa. My all time high at 5'0" was 189 pounds. Felt depressed and exhausted, saw no way out. Eventually I got disgusted and from that decided to join WW. I was only on it a short time and failed because even online, the point
counting made me a nervous wreck. Cancelled my WW Online membership and the same day called Jenny Craig in tears. Thought
that if it was good enough for Valerie Bertinelli it was good enough for me. I stayed on JC for a year, lost almost 20 pounds, could
no longer afford it and began to experience massive PB&J cravings and gained back all I lost plus more. I stayed fat until Sept 5,
2012.
My mom had always a weight problem but wasn't obese till the very end of her life. I grew up in the 1960s and 1970s and everything
was real butter, sour cream, and A LOT of cookies, cakes etc. If I had a bad day there was hot cocoa, if I did well in school Mom and
ad would take me out for a hot fudge sundae. I never gained weight until Mom died in 1992.
Fast forward to Sept 5, 2012. I'd been thinking about Mom's weight problems, her diabetes, the eye and foot issues and her high
blood pressure. She passed at age 72 and I am only 20 years away from that now. Couldn't get that thought out of my head and
that became my wake up call. I began doing LS again and later adjusted most of my eating habits. Which leads to my current
realization...
Very recently it's begun to land on me that it's not just the food. I am totally still struggling with sweets and not drinking enough
water(thank goodness for Mio). What I sense now is that inside this thinning person is a fat person waiting to get out. The past
two days I've clocked in at over 2000 cals. Which is strange because I often struggle to hit 1600, and before that I struggled to
hit 1200.
Like I've said, I'm sad and scared and to be honest, panicked. I've begun to think it's inevitable that this time will be like all the
others, and I feel that the weight will come back. Would it be possible to talk about the fat person inside?
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Replies
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I'm so sorry that you're scared and sad. I think I know how you feel...as a matter of fact, I think everyone on here knows how you feel, because we have all experienced the desperation that hits at certain times through our journey through weight loss. I have yo-yo dieted through most of my adult life, and I know the feeling of losing control, and the anguish and shame of eating all those things that are so bad for me...but I continued to do it. I would cry, and rock myself to sleep, and I'd start again the next day.
The thing is, I'm not sure there's a "Skinny person" inside me waiting to get out. I think there's a fat, greedy part of me, that is so sad for the all the pain that has happened in life (to all of us), and she tries to drown out the pain by eating something sweet...over and over again...but it never works. I also think that we all have that wonderful, bright, self loving person inside who wants the best for us, but unfortunately, her greedy sister has the louder voice. I prefer to listen to the second one, though when I do fall down, I don't stay down there anymore.
You have done so well, and have overcome so much, that you should look upon your successes with joy. Don't let the sadness and fear overwhelm you and your journey. Remember, the failure is not in the falling down, but the staying down...and your friends here will help you up...because you deserve it!0 -
christchick, Thank you for being so transparent and honest in your post. I totally get what you are saying. In fact you have no idea how timely your post is, because for the last month or so the fat person in my head is trying to break out again and the part that seems to self sabotage is acting out fiercely.
I believe in you that you will overcome this and continue on. You have shown incredible strength of purpose and determination during your months on mfp. You are awesome!!
hugs and blessings,
texasgardnr :flowerforyou:
post edited, and also adding: I am once again back on track and also determined not get back to where I was. Thank your for starting this thread christchick.0 -
Charovnitza and Texasgardnr,
Thank you for sharing in this conversation with me; you have both shown me that the feelings and issues I raised here are real and I
wasn't imagining it. You have both been open and vulnerable and showed me that I'm not alone in this by any means. Whether we call it the "fat, greedy person inside", "self sabotage", or "food/sugar addiction" it is like a dysfunctional sister who lives inside us, and
won't rest until she has taken over our very lives. And she has been fighting me tooth and nail until I bleed this week.
I had managed(thank you Jesus) to stay away from sugar for 6 days, then this past Wednesday I fell-ate 3 cookies and a quarter cup
of cocoa in under 5 minutes. As a bipolar person, I'm very sensitive to what my brain chemicals(serotonin, norephinephrine, and dopamine-my levels of these are very low) are doing. First, I felt like someone had given me an adrenaline shot; then in less than an
hour, I crashed. I felt stupid, ugly and worthless, and that feeling lasted until early the next day. Thursday was Winnie's 99th birthday
and while I was eating I noticed that the white cake and buttercream frosting weren't too sweet and I wasn't feeling triggered. But the
vanilla cream filling was another matter. It was very sweet and I began feeling high. I kept staring at the cake and drinking decaf the
rest of the night to try to kill the craving. I did manage to talk to some of the people there that night, but the battle with that cake was
still raging. A lot of things felt stirred up in me, but I didn't want to slow down to address them. Instead I went online shopping, looking
for chromium picolinate, brownies, diet Coke and buttered popcorn. In the end, I put them all back but I kept doing that over and over
for two days. Every time I tried to write about it here I couldn't...I'd hit the pain and go off to do more shopping.
God has been trying to deal with me about deep seated issues in my past...issues that involve bitterness, anger and forgiveness. I'm
exhausted from running, but can't face it yet. My emotional and social development has been stunted, and I mourn for the things I've
never been able to experience. I need to forgive those who abused me, and I need to forgive God for allowing it to happen. The food
and shopping will not be resolved until I do.
That's all...I'm completely fried.0 -
Almost forgot...
I had noticed during the six days with no sugar that my calories had dropped to the point where I struggled to make 1200 cals. Duda
had messaged me with the suggestion I keep the sugar down to 37-40 a day. MFP has me on 24, and even without cookies etc I hit
52-70. The rest of my numbers have been reasonable, but that sugar level is 22 after breakfast...what am I doing wrong? Please, if
some of you could check out my diary, I would like to make 37-40 sugar and 1600 cals. What should I do???0
