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The lost art of offline dating
MissingMinnesota
Posts: 7,486 Member
http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/12/living/lost-art-offline-dating/index.html?iid=article_sidebar
(CNN) -- It's as simple as making eye contact and flashing a smile or knowing when to back off and stop talking so much.
Social cues. Body language. Basic conversation. They make up the toolkit for meeting new people. But for those whose romantic realm is constructed entirely through social media and online dating, these intuitions might be eroding away.
"People have an easier time picking out an emoticon to display the emotion they are feeling rather than actually showing it on their face," Blake Eastman, body language expert and founder of The Nonverbal Group, said.
"Unfortunately, for the past 10 years, people have been really confident behind the computer keyboard, but then you see them in person and things are very different."
Dating coach and author Adam LoDolce has a simple solution: meet people organically. But the paralyzing fear of rejection often can make us long for the distance technology offers.
To help people overcome the anxiety of approaching someone new, LoDolce made a 45-minute film including his advice: "Go Talk to Her."
Like Eastman, he believes that people are killing off social skills by hiding behind a glowing screen of information that offers no chemistry.
"People want to go back to the day where you're sitting at a coffee shop, make eye contact and there is this mysterious moment where you don't know each other," LoDolce said. "Online dating is one tool in the tool kit, but I think we as a society are seeing that there is still a real way to meet people."
Anti-social media
Users mistake social media for being social. It isn't, Eastman said. Instead it creates a group of people that are highly connected online but feel socially isolated.
"We feel that we don't need to look people in the eyes to communicate anymore -- a keystroke has replaced that look," Eastman said. "But at the end of the day, we're designed for human contact, not a computer screen."
Online daters and social media users easily fall into a new way of communicating. Instead of the rules and social norms used in face-to-face meeting, they create ones for digital interfacing. But the rules are looser and harder to enforce, Patricia Wallace, psychologist and author of "The Psychology of the Internet," said.
"When you're in front of a computer or an iPad, you're not interacting with a human face," Wallace said. "All of the millennia of evolution that helped us learn how to read all of the nuances to do that choreography of conversation aren't there."
Social media also allows "loose ties" with acquaintances and low-risk ways of communicating. The fear of rejection when someone doesn't answer a Facebook message lacks the impact of an ignored phone call, according to Wallace.
But a general lack of satisfaction is perhaps the most noticeable effect of online dating.
"Online dating is like a buffet," Marni Battista, founder and CEO of Dating with Dignity, said. "People are ruling out more than they're ruling in. After a date, they go home, get online and look for someone else. We're in this digital instant gratification age, and there is no patience for the dating process."
Bucking the standard
Unfortunately, offline dating has lost some of its charm.
Eastman believes that dates are too "standardized," especially in restaurants. A table in between two people -- staring at one another -- becomes an interview with adversarial posturing, he said.
Keep the date moving along, stopping at a few places that will create an experience, which builds memories and intimacy, Eastman recommends.
Shifting gender roles are also contributing to the confusion experienced on first dates.
"Men are almost afraid of being in the role of pursuing because they don't want to be perceived as creepy," Battista said. "And successful, independent women still want men to step up. As a result, it's almost like a standoff."
Rejection, the kind that manifested itself in the awkward insecurities of middle school and survived maturity, remains the biggest enemy of dating success, LoDolce said.
"People think that being rejected is going to be the worst moment of their life," LoDolce said. "This does not have to be the end of the world."
LoDolce, Eastman and Battista all coach clients in maneuvering the dating world. Here are some of their words of advice, especially for people re-entering offline dating:
Reach a social peak
Like preparing for a sprint, warm up to a peak social state when you're going out, day or night. It makes you the person in the room that everyone wants to meet.
"When we're nervous, we give off a bland, shy, introverted vibe with bad body language," LoDolce said. "Learn how to talk to new people -- fake it until you make it, smile as if you won the lottery, bring the energy. People remember the best five percent and the worst five percent of what you say, the rest is up to body language."
Laughing, smiling and talking all contribute to facial animation, something we gravitate toward as human beings. It shows that a person is listening and interested. Movement and clear communication are signs of a good date, Eastman said.
Be self-confident and genuine
"What people really need is to be in that place of self-love and confidence, being authentic to who they are," Battista said. "Then you have a different energy out in the world -- you see yourself as a dater and on the market, and that confidence is attractive."
When approaching someone, be open, honest and genuine -- it creates an instant connection. If you think someone is stunning and you'll kick yourself later if you don't let them know, tell them, LoDolce said.
Orient yourself
Ever stand in line at Starbucks and hear someone mention a common interest? Strike up a conversation, instead of sticking your nose in your phone. Take opportunities to practice being social everywhere.
"Understand when someone is orienting towards you -- it's the best time to say something to them," Eastman said. "If we put ourselves out there for a little bit, it can be incredibly powerful in terms of what we get in return."
Take your time
One of the biggest mistakes people make is rushing into something and falling in love with who they want a person to be, and not the person, Battista said.
"Intimacy comes from slowly but surely discovering things about someone you never knew until you went through this phase of slow discovery," LoDolce said.
Many of these small discoveries can happen only in person, these dating experts say, so perhaps it's time to close the laptop and take a walk.
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Replies
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this is a great article! I agree with a lot of things:
1. the online dating thing is not really satisfying - more often than not anyway.
2. totally agree with the non social media - just because we can communicate faster and with more people (quantity), doesn't mean we are making very many meaningful connections (quality)
3. I literally yelled out loud at the "get your nose out of your phone" part! Nowadays people are so caught up in their phones or use it as a way to avoid eye contact and avoid communication with people that it is rare to be able to strike up a conversation with strangers (eg. in line at checkout, in the elevator, at a dr. office, etc - everyone pulls out their phone and avoids contact wiith each other more often that not).
call me old fashioned but sometimes I really think this cell phone, texting, facebooking, tweeting, etc has changed the rules of dating or atleast the rules of communication between genders.0 -
^ agree with all the above, namely that texting/Facebooking aren't as meaningful.0
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"People are ruling out more than they're ruling in. After a date, they go home, get online and look for someone else. We're in this digital instant gratification age, and there is no patience for the dating process."
Something about the online process seems to take away realistic standard. Like the predetermined "ideal" is somehow more attainable because there are more choices, and you don't have to go out and make an effort to find someone. Like I"m just going to stay in tonight, drink beer, and be dismissive: no, no, maybe, ugly sunglasses, no, drunken photo, no, maybe, possibly- but if he thinks I'm going winter camping he can kiss my *kitten*, so no. And then I'll feel defeated and go to sleep. Or maybe this was just my experience because I tried this while I was probably not ready to (I met a few cool people, but just didn't have the energy at the time). However, my guess is that it's waaay easier for everybody to be picky from the couch.0 -
"People are ruling out more than they're ruling in. After a date, they go home, get online and look for someone else. We're in this digital instant gratification age, and there is no patience for the dating process."
Something about the online process seems to take away realistic standard. Like the predetermined "ideal" is somehow more attainable because there are more choices, and you don't have to go out and make an effort to find someone. Like I"m just going to stay in tonight, drink beer, and be dismissive: no, no, maybe, ugly sunglasses, no, drunken photo, no, maybe, possibly- but if he thinks I'm going winter camping he can kiss my *kitten*, so no. And then I'll feel defeated and go to sleep. Or maybe this was just my experience because I tried this while I was probably not ready to (I met a few cool people, but just didn't have the energy at the time). However, my guess is that it's waaay easier for everybody to be picky from the couch.
I agree with this. I think it was Tube_socks/La Amazona that called in boyfriend shopping.0 -
this is a great article! I agree with a lot of things:
1. the online dating thing is not really satisfying - more often than not anyway.
2. totally agree with the non social media - just because we can communicate faster and with more people (quantity), doesn't mean we are making very many meaningful connections (quality)
3. I literally yelled out loud at the "get your nose out of your phone" part! Nowadays people are so caught up in their phones or use it as a way to avoid eye contact and avoid communication with people that it is rare to be able to strike up a conversation with strangers (eg. in line at checkout, in the elevator, at a dr. office, etc - everyone pulls out their phone and avoids contact wiith each other more often that not).
call me old fashioned but sometimes I really think this cell phone, texting, facebooking, tweeting, etc has changed the rules of dating or atleast the rules of communication between genders.
I think people are too afraid to look like they are alone to put away the phone when they are out. It is like people are saying "yes I might be here alone but look I have people I talk to, I have friends!"0 -
Many of these small discoveries can happen only in person, these dating experts say, so perhaps it's time to close the laptop and take a walk.
I like this
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I agree and disagree. When online dating people set up their dating criteria in such a way that they may miss out on a really amazing person just because they live 30 miles away instead of 25. But at the same time without some of these online resources you will likely not meet as many people, and therefore have less chance of meeting the love of your life.
And I'm not sold that connections that you make online are any worse than connections you make in real life. Take MFP for example. We chat with people on here all the time, and it they may not always be lasting friendships, but it is communication that would not have happened otherwise. I don't really think online communication is taking the place of offline communication, it is simply just another means.0 -
I agree and disagree. When online dating people set up their dating criteria in such a way that they may miss out on a really amazing person just because they live 30 miles away instead of 25. But at the same time without some of these online resources you will likely not meet as many people, and therefore have less chance of meeting the love of your life.
And I'm not sold that connections that you make online are any worse than connections you make in real life. Take MFP for example. We chat with people on here all the time, and it they may not always be lasting friendships, but it is communication that would not have happened otherwise. I don't really think online communication is taking the place of offline communication, it is simply just another means.
^^This....my real life connections have been just as disappointing as my online.0 -
I think the issue is more of people becoming too dependent on online interaction that we are losing our actual in person social interaction skills.0
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"People are ruling out more than they're ruling in. After a date, they go home, get online and look for someone else. We're in this digital instant gratification age, and there is no patience for the dating process."
Something about the online process seems to take away realistic standard. Like the predetermined "ideal" is somehow more attainable because there are more choices, and you don't have to go out and make an effort to find someone. Like I"m just going to stay in tonight, drink beer, and be dismissive: no, no, maybe, ugly sunglasses, no, drunken photo, no, maybe, possibly- but if he thinks I'm going winter camping he can kiss my *kitten*, so no. And then I'll feel defeated and go to sleep. Or maybe this was just my experience because I tried this while I was probably not ready to (I met a few cool people, but just didn't have the energy at the time). However, my guess is that it's waaay easier for everybody to be picky from the couch.
very true! I think the online dating can be a good tool to meet people you otherwise wouldn't have met. but at the same time people do have unrealistic expectations sometimes of finding the "perfect match".
Eg. I never initiate contact, but in the rate your daily matches thing, apart from looking at what they are like, I look at what they are looking for, and if it seems realistic especially in terms of looks (those guys that are not in perfect shape but only looking for skinny girls who are fit/athletic and tone) I skip right over because I know they are looking for perfection, and perfect I am not.
hopefully that made sense.I think the issue is more of people becoming too dependent on online interaction that we are losing our actual in person social interaction skills.
very much agree with this ^^^0 -
I'm not sure if I agree with this, would either of you care to elaborate? I occasionally see people that are sitting across from each other at a restaurant and are both staring at their phones instead of talking. But I haven't noticed any difference in my personal experiences.I think the issue is more of people becoming too dependent on online interaction that we are losing our actual in person social interaction skills.0 -
I'm not sure if I agree with this, would either of you care to elaborate? I occasionally see people that are sitting across from each other at a restaurant and are both staring at their phones instead of talking. But I haven't noticed any difference in my personal experiences.I think the issue is more of people becoming too dependent on online interaction that we are losing our actual in person social interaction skills.
hey roadie, that is a good example.People almost don't know how to communicate with each other in person sometimes.
Example: In general I feel like a lot of men kind of hide behind texts , email, etc other forms of communication to have sometimes meaningful conversations and have difficulty having conversations in person (one on one). Sometimes I will get more detailed responses via email and text from people after they have had a chance to think about an answer to put on paper (text). Whereas in person, sometimes if you ask someone certain questions they will freeze and not know what to say or shut down completely and not want to talk about it.
They also rely a lot on texting to make plans/schedule dates,etc whatever happened to giving a girl a phone call or asking them out (for a real date) when you come across/see them in person.
I guess in general I feel like people rely a lot less on personal interaction and communication to develop a friendship/relationship nowadays. May just be the people I have been meeting since I did the online dating thing for a few months now. But a big part of why I went online was because I wasn't meeting people IRL. That's not to say there aren't any good guys but it is less likely that people will strike up a conversation without having mutual friends to introduce you, etc. Maybe they are afraid of rejection, maybe they are caught up in technology, i'm not sure if i'm explaining myself very well here. lol.
But basically I went online to meet people, but realized I would rather a connection offline, but I'm not sure that is possible or likely because people have lost their social skills (in terms of meeting new people).0 -
I'm not sure if I agree with this, would either of you care to elaborate? I occasionally see people that are sitting across from each other at a restaurant and are both staring at their phones instead of talking. But I haven't noticed any difference in my personal experiences.I think the issue is more of people becoming too dependent on online interaction that we are losing our actual in person social interaction skills.
For me I haven't talked to some friends in a long time because I know what is going on in their life through facebook that I feel like I don't have to call and talk to them. Even though I am sure what they are posting on FB is only about 1/10 of their life. I just don't get the feeling of "I miss this person I need to call them". I used to be able to stay home and just talk to people online instead of going out into the RL and meeting people out. In the last year I have been able to break away from that but I know a lot of people that still do that.0 -
That the title "dating coach" exists is a huge clue that something has gone terribly, terribly wrong...
--P0 -
See I'm the opposite, I talk with people over Facebook I wouldn't normally talk to. Guys tend not to call each other to chit chat very often, so I get to stay in touch without having to call anybody. It's great.
I'm not sure if I agree with this, would either of you care to elaborate? I occasionally see people that are sitting across from each other at a restaurant and are both staring at their phones instead of talking. But I haven't noticed any difference in my personal experiences.I think the issue is more of people becoming too dependent on online interaction that we are losing our actual in person social interaction skills.
For me I haven't talked to some friends in a long time because I know what is going on in their life through facebook that I feel like I don't have to call and talk to them. Even though I am sure what they are posting on FB is only about 1/10 of their life. I just don't get the feeling of "I miss this person I need to call them". I used to be able to stay home and just talk to people online instead of going out into the RL and meeting people out. In the last year I have been able to break away from that but I know a lot of people that still do that.0 -
See I'm the opposite, I talk with people over Facebook I wouldn't normally talk to. Guys tend not to call each other to chit chat very often, so I get to stay in touch without having to call anybody. It's great.
I'm not sure if I agree with this, would either of you care to elaborate? I occasionally see people that are sitting across from each other at a restaurant and are both staring at their phones instead of talking. But I haven't noticed any difference in my personal experiences.I think the issue is more of people becoming too dependent on online interaction that we are losing our actual in person social interaction skills.
For me I haven't talked to some friends in a long time because I know what is going on in their life through facebook that I feel like I don't have to call and talk to them. Even though I am sure what they are posting on FB is only about 1/10 of their life. I just don't get the feeling of "I miss this person I need to call them". I used to be able to stay home and just talk to people online instead of going out into the RL and meeting people out. In the last year I have been able to break away from that but I know a lot of people that still do that.
oh yeah same here. I will use facebook to talk to people that I don't usually see but wanna keep in touch with from time to time.
Its understandable that you dont have time to text/call everyone in your life haha. especially those you don't see that often.
In my previous post, What I was more referring to was the initial stages of dating someone or even meeting people, etc.0 -
i rarely trust scientists and research teams when it comes to social behavior. Being that, you know, they have none.0
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I had several ppl suggest online dating to me when I was in my slump and I refused. I held on to the hope that you really can meet someone organically
Met this guy 3 weeks ago randomly and completely unexpected in a weird turn of events.
Been talking since and when we spend time together, we both put our phones away
We haven't gone to dinner once; we have gone on walks and to the park etc etc
It's been pretty great actually getting to know someone organically for the first time in a LONG time and it's exciting.0 -
I had several ppl suggest online dating to me when I was in my slump and I refused. I held on to the hope that you really can meet someone organically
Met this guy 3 weeks ago randomly and completely unexpected in a weird turn of events.
Been talking since and when we spend time together, we both put our phones away
We haven't gone to dinner once; we have gone on walks and to the park etc etc
It's been pretty great actually getting to know someone organically for the first time in a LONG time and it's exciting.
that is very exciting! GOOD FOR U! :drinker:0 -
Great article. I'm a big fan of getting out there and just forcing yourself to talk to people. I'm not saying this to "meet men" though because it seems like over the last year or so the quality of men I met in person was much worse than the quality of the guys who approached me via online (I also had a lot of jerks approach me online too, but I was able to filter most of those out).
But when you get in the habit of talking to strangers, it helps you be more confident and entertaining on a date. At least it helped me.0 -
I personally find offline dating more satisfying than online dating. I just renewed my match subscription, but I never meet anyone or have any meaningful interactions on there. Prob was a waste of money to do so. Anyways, I find it more organic to meet someone just by leaving the house or at a random place rather than looking at a profile and making decision on whether or not the person is worthy to date.
I am still holding out hope I meet my prince charming while out somewhere.0 -
^ agree with all the above, namely that texting/Facebooking aren't as meaningful.
Maybe but they are also hugely detrimental in most relationships and cause a lot of harm and mistrust. Seems like simply liking someone's picture or status can result in a fight these days.
One place I've been surprised phone use has been almost zero is at the gym. Weird because I know I listen to music the whole time, but because I'm a people watcher, I was really sort of surprised that out of a couple dozen people it was hard to find someone with their phone out or head phones in. Maybe I'll take a bit of advice and leave the headphones at home next time, make me approachable
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^ agree with all the above, namely that texting/Facebooking aren't as meaningful.
Maybe but they are also hugely detrimental in most relationships and cause a lot of harm and mistrust. Seems like simply liking someone's picture or status can result in a fight these days.
That only happens in relationships where one or both parties are hugely insecure. If a BF got ****ty at me about something on FB we probably wouldn't be together very long.0 -
I personally find offline dating more satisfying than online dating. I just renewed my match subscription, but I never meet anyone or have any meaningful interactions on there. Prob was a waste of money to do so. Anyways, I find it more organic to meet someone just by leaving the house or at a random place rather than looking at a profile and making decision on whether or not the person is worthy to date.
So.... wait.... you find offline dating more satisfying... but obviously not satisfying enough to prevent you from renewing a Match subscription that never brought about "any meaningful interactions?"
Does. Not. Compute0 -
I never tried organized online dating... Never signed up for an eHarmony, Match, PoF or whatever. However, I have met guys in chatrooms that I later met and went out with. I've found out a few things... I'm definitely more willing to be more open up front about things online than in person. That safety that comes from sitting behind a computer screen or a phone screen or whatever, makes me feel considerably more vulnerable when I finally meet them. I feel exposed, though it doesn't seem to stop me from creating the same kind of connections over and over again.
On the flip side though, I also noticed that I feel much more confident when I do meet guys "organically." It's kind of an ego booster, I guess. I meet guys online, they show interest in me as a person as they get to know me and the insecurities that I'm a boring lump fades. I can be more confident when I'm out because I know that despite the fact I still don't have the body I want, looks really aren't everything.
All that said, online dating has also spawned the "Catfish." That's a pretty good reason to steer clear, though I'm a complete hypocrite who could, in fact, be a current victim of a good catfishing. Sooooo... :ohwell:0 -
i gave up all my online dating profiles.
i found that for me it was a safe way to date because it gave me a good excuse to not date since i could come up with all kinds of excuses of why i wasn't dating.
doing it the old fashioned way means that i have to be more active than just searching, scrolling and writing a random email.
i know plenty of people who have met their SOs online (in fact my 3 best girlfriends met their current beaus all last year all from okc) but i think for me it was more of a crutch and a subconscious reason to stay single0
This discussion has been closed.