Dating after divorce?
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Bananarheanna
Posts: 14 Member
My friend is trying to set me up with a friend of her and her husband's. She's going to plan a groupish get together so we can get to know each other better. I've met him before, he seems really nice and he's very good looking, but I'm totally freaked out. I got divorced last May. I was with my exhusband for 12 years, we met when I was 17! It wasn't a great marriage, obviously and my ex didn't do much for my confidence except destroy it! For years, I was getting accused of flirting with other men, when I am seriously the most loyal person. I know it was his own guilty conscience, he was a cheater, which is a big part of why we got divorced. I feel like I find my self, at 30, with an almost 5 year old little girl, not much self esteem, painfully shy and trying to loose 20 lbs more. My body looks like it's been attacked by a tiger, I have so many stretch marks! I know guys like confidence, but I feel like it's been mentally beaten out of me. So how do you start to date again?
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Replies
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Wow we're pretty much on the same boat! I'm sorry you had to go through all that, it really sucks. Been there, too. It's awesome you've been making great progress, and I hope your life gets way better! Looks like you have amazing, supportive friends, hope this works out for you, it'll be fun!
Been single again since Fall 2008. I have a 5 year old as well, and a ton of stretch marks too. Got this body image thing that I can't seem to shake off, no matter how hard I try! Maybe it's that low self confidence I exude, I don't know- but it's like every guy I meet wants to know me just for my body and not for any long-term stuff (marriage and stuff). Hot mama comments are nice, but not when the person isn't going to be serious. And it makes me feel so upset!
I don't like the fact that most guys think I'm a despo-single-mom who wants nothing but you know what. I'd like you know what, and I'd like for him to take my child, and my past a bit seriously. Do guys like this exist?
I'd like to know how other single moms and dads work this out, too! I know of a few success stories, where single parents have found other single parents, or single again people. They've taken from past relationships, and their current ones are amazing!
(P.S. I'm sorry for the rant!)0 -
I am way too freaked out to date.
And I seem to attract creepy guys right now so I'm obviously giving off the freaked out vibe. Bad marriage, devestating divorce, you know all that FUN baggage has left me very happily single. I've got a few wonderful friends who have made it work. One of them has met a great guy only a year after her divorce. And it is working because she was brutally honest with him....she let all of the skeletons out of the closet! And he did the same... so knowing and working together through that is really working for them. 0 -
Its hard at first, I think that the group thing is a great idea to build your confidence, but don't go into it thinking that something will come out of it, that way you won't get hurt.
Are you open to the idea of dating yet?
If not just try and widen your circle of friends and see what happens, this will also boost your confidence.
It gets better, I promise, but take everything at your own pace.
Dont feel like you HAVE to meet someone, when I started dating it was almost about validation that someone wanted me, then I met a great guy and we dated for a year before I ended the relationship as I realised that it wasn't what I wanted and that giving up being single is a big deal, and that i didn't want to do it.
Not because I want to go back to dating but because I can focus on me, I see my friends when I want, and the only other person I need to look after is my child, realising its ok to be selfish has increased my confidece and although I am open to dating I am not going to get into a relationship unless it is right, I am worth more than that, and my child deserves only the best people being introduced to his life.
Its also about knowing who you are other than a wife and a mother, I was 15 when I met my husband and we split when I was 31 so I had never really got to know me.
Anyway I have hijacked your post enough, but feel free to add me if you would like to 0 -
Same boat here EXCEPT I have been divorced for 5 years and have only date twice.... I have no confidence! I started my weight loss because of my lack of confidence. It brings me down in every aspect of my life and is very upsetting to me that I allowed myself to get that way. I am sure you will have a great time. confidence comes with healing and it is up to ourselves on how fast we allow ourselves to heal. Good luck on your journey.0
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You will only be ready when you know. AND you won't always know until you try. Personally I think it is to soon for you to go out and date, one because you are not just going to get over someone who you were with for 12 years in just a few months. You need time for yourself, time to heal, time to fix you so that when you do start to date again, or are looking for that one again, you are ready. I divorced my daughters dad in 2011, but it was not finalized till last year and I was with him for 6 years prior. What I learned though was the first year, I tried to date, tried to tell myself how could I possibly date anyone else. But I did, I went out with these guys that seemed nice at first but I would always find something wrong with them or I compared them to my daughters dad and always found a reason to dump them. Why? Because of my own insecurities, because of what my daughters dad out in my head, I always worried about those extra pounds and for a whole year that's what I did, I couldn't date, I gained more weight, etc. But 2 years later and I am realizing something I feel like all woman should realize, you don't need to get out there and hurry and date someone else, you don't need to get over your ex that fast, you don't have to do anything at all really until YOU are ready. What I decided was that I was going to be single, I was going to love myself and appreciate myself and work on myself until i was completely happy and confident and THEN and only then would I go out and date because then I am ready. You need the time (TIME is so essential) to grow on your own and to COMPLETELY move on from your ex husband. Given that you can still love him and that's ok too because you love him, you just aren't IN LOVE with him right? I guess my point is, no one else can tell you when its ok to date someone, you on your own will know, you will go through your own obstacles and growth and you will know when you are ready! Don't worry about your age or your daughters age. My daughter is 3 and I spent countless nights worrying about that same thing, but it's something that you can't change so when you do find "That guy" or are ready to date then you'll just have to work around it. Hope this helps and I will pray for you xoxo 0
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Dating was a struggle after my ex and I separated because my self-esteem was in the toilet. I was 41 yrs old with a 2yr old and a 4yr old and my ex had been having an affair for 2 yrs with a Thai massage girl. We had been married for 10 years and together for 12. Also, my ex had left us financially in a huge hole and my kids & I were basically homeless - living with friends. I was lonely as well. To boost my confidence I went on match.com and just started flirting. As soon as I posted a profile I got flooded with emails and winks. Even if I never met anyone, it was still such a boost to the ego! I Eventually took a chance and met someone I had been talking to. Our first date was a casual lunch date during the work week so there was no pressure. We had a good time, just ate and talked - but the whole time I felt like I was doing something wrong...like I was going to get caught cheating or something! He really was a great guy, wanted to see me again, but I emailed him after the date and said I just wasn't ready to date yet. He let me know that it was okay and if I ever changed my mind to give him a call. Two weeks later, I did just that. I figured - what the heck am I waiting for? This guy likes me, we have great conversation and I need to stop taking things so seriously. If it was just going to be a stepping stone, a fling, whatever - just see what happens! If nothing else, I could at least use the dating pratice...lol. We've been together ever since. We moved in together earlier this year with his young son and my 2 kids.0
