Why do men (or women) have to lie?? (vent)
boophil
Posts: 99 Member
I was recently dating a man who was going through a divorce. We had dated many years ago, just after high school. He started to pursue me back in October. Being divorced myself, I was VERY cautious. We chatted on Facebook for 2 1/2 months before I would even give him my phone number, address or even agreed to meet with him! And even then, it was another month before we did anything that would constitute dating. We would laugh about it. He said that he was about to give up on me, thinking that I didn't want anything to do with him. I told him that with my past, I just needed to be sure that his relationship with his soon-to-be-ex was completely over.
The past few weeks, we hadn't been able to see each other as much, due to his work schedule. But we would still talk and text just about every night. One day, about a month ago, I asked him to promise me that if he ever decided that "us" was no longer what he wanted or if he ever decided to give his ex another chance for the sake of their daughter, that he would just tell me and not string me along. He agreed.
Fast forward to last week. He stopped over out of the blue last Sunday. Feeling that something was wrong, I asked him point-blank if we were OK. He said yes. He then continued to go on about his move (he was moving to a closer town last week) and how I could pick out where a picture I made for him would go when I came over, and even told my daughter that she could help him move and that we would be seeing a lot more of him. I felt reassured. We texted a bit on Tuesday night, and on Thursday night, when he "disappeared" in the middle of a texting conversation. I have not heard back from him since.
A friend of mine lives near him and she told me that he has been back living at the house with his ex for the past 2 months. I was crushed!
I just don't get it! Why would someone choose to continue a lie that will eventually have to end, when all he had to do was tell me that he was going back to her? Yes, I would have still been sad and upset, but I could have walked away at least feeling that he respected me enough to tell me the truth and not string me along with false promises.
I think I know the answers to this, but I just needed to vent. Why would someone who calls you his "soulmate" continue to lie because he is afraid to have the conversation and is afraid of hurting me, which actually hurts me worse? And the lying to my daughter and allowing her to continue to believe that Mommy has a great guy in her life is unforgiveable.
If you've read this far, thank you for letting me vent. I just really needed to get this off of my chest.
The past few weeks, we hadn't been able to see each other as much, due to his work schedule. But we would still talk and text just about every night. One day, about a month ago, I asked him to promise me that if he ever decided that "us" was no longer what he wanted or if he ever decided to give his ex another chance for the sake of their daughter, that he would just tell me and not string me along. He agreed.
Fast forward to last week. He stopped over out of the blue last Sunday. Feeling that something was wrong, I asked him point-blank if we were OK. He said yes. He then continued to go on about his move (he was moving to a closer town last week) and how I could pick out where a picture I made for him would go when I came over, and even told my daughter that she could help him move and that we would be seeing a lot more of him. I felt reassured. We texted a bit on Tuesday night, and on Thursday night, when he "disappeared" in the middle of a texting conversation. I have not heard back from him since.
A friend of mine lives near him and she told me that he has been back living at the house with his ex for the past 2 months. I was crushed!
I just don't get it! Why would someone choose to continue a lie that will eventually have to end, when all he had to do was tell me that he was going back to her? Yes, I would have still been sad and upset, but I could have walked away at least feeling that he respected me enough to tell me the truth and not string me along with false promises.
I think I know the answers to this, but I just needed to vent. Why would someone who calls you his "soulmate" continue to lie because he is afraid to have the conversation and is afraid of hurting me, which actually hurts me worse? And the lying to my daughter and allowing her to continue to believe that Mommy has a great guy in her life is unforgiveable.
If you've read this far, thank you for letting me vent. I just really needed to get this off of my chest.
0
Replies
-
I wish I had a good answer for you, but unfortunately I don't. I did want you to know that I read your post and understand your need to vent. This man sounds similar in so many ways to my daughter's father - he was a very good storyteller, but not so good at the following through on the stories. Needless to say he isn't in our lives (by his own choice, but I am very OK with it). In the long run it sounds like you are better off without this man. Your daughter is very lucky to have a mom like you! Keep your chin up, try not to get too mad about it and go do something fun with your daughter. I know mine can always manage to make me laugh and forget about whatever is going on at the time.
Best wishes!0 -
No good advice, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. Am sending my best to you & your kiddo.0
-
Thank you for your kind words. I'm getting to the anger stage now, and I don't cry as much. I'm still hurt and honestly, I feel really stupid for believing him. I did see all of the red flags, but I just couldn't imagine he would hurt me this badly with all of the wonderful, loving things he was saying, making plans for our future, etc. I had been working a lot on myself and my trust issues after my divorce, and he was the first man who was able to break down my walls. Needless to say, those walls are back up again. I just wish I could get an apology, but I'm sure that will never come.
I have decided to take back control of my life and focus all of my energy on my daughter and my weight loss journey. I am proud to say that during this whole mess, I have only managed to gain 0.4 lbs last week, which I plan to have gone again by the time I weigh-in again on Saturday. I refuse to let him ruin me.
My parents have been in FL for the winter and will be coming home for the summer in less than 2 weeks. That gives me something to look forward to. Also, the jerk's birthday is on the 29th, but I will already be busy with my daughter - her Girl Scout flying up ceremony is that night. I just feel bad for her because she had invited him to attend the last day we saw him. But I know she will be ok that night - I will be there, along with my parents, my brother, and DD's father. We will have a good time!
Again, thank you so much for listening. I do have friends that I talk to, but sometimes it is better to have people who don't know either of us to vent to. Thank you so much!0 -
Aw I can't imagine what you and your daughter must have gone through! I'm so sorry to hear about that.
Its definitely difficult to say and believe in, but I know there is an honest, good man out there for the both of you. *kitten* like this are the reason many women start hating on men, and with good reason.
Hugs to you guys, you're not alone!
P.S. I love how everyone in this group is so understanding, caring, and genuine!0 -
wow...what a jerk he is, you have all my sympathy for what you had to go through.
. I don´t get it how people can treat another human being this way. In the past 20 years I have only been with 3 men my whole adult life and all of them cheated and lied or mentaly abused me. There for men scare the hell out of me. Being single is great, I can do what ever, when ever, I can handle my financials the why I like, I can spend or save up as I please. I don´t have to ask anyone for permission to do anything really. It is better to be single than put up with lies and cheating.0 -
Firstly, I am sorry to hear this has happened to you. How heartbreaking and frusterating this must be! People lie for many reasons, but regardless of why, a lie usually hurts yourself and often times others that are involved. Nothing ever good comes from lying, ever. Because we can't change anothers decision to lie, instead of fucsing on why, focus on how you have learned from this experience and what you can do to protect yourself in the future. I believe every dificult experience is a learning moment to bring us into a stronger self.....the most important thing you can take from this is that this was not your fault and in the end you deserved better and still deserve better:)0
-
Hugs, I am sorry you are going thru this!
While I don't have a lot of great advice, I too have had some crummy 'relationship' post break up from the kids dad and have been lied too. I dated a man for 9 months and while I always felt something was off, I later found out he had a gambling addiction. He was also a very good storyteller...they always tell you what you want to hear but when you look back they never ever did follow thru. I think with us it got to the point that something had to give/progress in our relationship and he couldn't handle it knowing the secrets he was keeping.
Hindsite for me is the issue of married or even seperated men. I no longer will even entertain a man who isn't legally divorced and have been so for a little bit of time. There is too much variable and even if you know with 100% certainty they aren't going back to their ex, that still carries alot of baggage for him... he can't disconnect until that divorce is finalized. Just something I have realized for myself on 2 seperate occasions and I choose not to partake in it again.
I still believe there are good people out there. I am a lot more cautious too and it can be hard due to trust and whatnot, like you have said. I am sorry he lied to your daugther, I think the kids part is what hurts us the most. They didn't ask for it. But keep your chin up, grieve, and get over him. Men don't deserve this much power/control over us. You may enjoy the book 'he's just not that into you' it's empowering.
Good luck!0 -
I have been through a similar situation...It took me dating a new guy and a few months to put it behind me. I'm still pissed off. What is so hard about honesty!?0
-
I swear it is part of the game...I know my ex did it with me. But I actually think my sister had it worse. Her bf of 5 months went to Iraq, 6 months after he got home they moved in together. She was unpacking and found letter with naked pictures from other girls. She asked him about it and he said well you stucjk around so clearly you are the right choice...she was so "in love" that she stuck around for another 5 years until he went off to training and someone emailed her a picture of him with one of the girls at the training too. I think it's just to see what some can get away with and others they have done it for so long it's what they do. Not an excuse but like my ex would lie about stupid stuff by the end, I would ask him what kind of coffee he got and he would say just milk no flavor and I would take a sip and it would be with sugar, cream and a flavor, I swear he just got used to lying and making **** up0
