My Intro

tachyon_master

I don't know yet if I really belong here. But I'm starting to worry that maybe I do.

I'm uncomfortable posting this on the general forums due to the amount of crap that goes on there.

For the record, I'm 32 (almost 33), female and 5'2" tall. I started out at 63.9kg (141 lbs), nothing extreme, just borderline healthy/overweight. I started exercising more, lost some weight. Then changed my diet and lost a bit more weight. Then I wasn't happy and changed my diet even more and started exercising even more.

And have gotten myself to the point where although I want to stop losing weight and maintain, I'm finding it a real struggle to stop exercising so much and eat more. It's at the stage where I now weigh just over 36 kgs (80 lbs). I know this is scarily low. And I've been lying out my rear end to just about everyone about just how low my weight is. Obviously everyone who's seen me can tell I've lost weight, and a few have clearly noticed that I'm "underweight". But they don't see just how low it is.

I am admittedly training for a marathon, and have convinced myself that the weight loss is acceptable until I've done that because I'm training so much. But what if that's just an excuse I'm telling myself?

I have a PhD. I'm educated. I shouldn't be stupid enough to walk into an eating disorder at this point in my life, should I? I mean I'm almost 33. I managed to avoid any of this sort of thing my entire life, even as a teenager. Why now? Or am I just over-reacting?

I realise the advice might be "you need to speak to a professional", but aside from being underweight, there's nothing medically wrong with me - my family dr has run just about every test under the sun to make sure. And if there's nothing medically wrong, she can't refer me to a specialist (I'm in Australia if that matters). And I can't afford private treatment

tachyon_master

For example: I decided I wanted cake. So I got a slice of cake with a black coffee from the cafe. While I'm not going to make myself throw it up or anything, now I have to work out for 90 minutes after work to burn off the calories from the slice of cake.

This despite having already done a full workout before work this morning. But if I don't workout again, my dinner's going to amount to eating like an apple or something.

This is where my brain is. I think on some level I appreciate that it isn't healthy to think like this, but I can't help it. Ignoring calories is what had me putting on weight in the first place

emmylove86

"For example: I decided I wanted cake. So I got a slice of cake with a black coffee from the cafe. While I'm not going to make myself throw it up or anything, now I have to work out for 90 minutes after work to burn off the calories from the slice of cake."

Overexercising like that is a type of purging. I did the same exact thing. A couple years ago, I lost a ton of weight (20+ pounds) . I justified it by saying I was purging. I was just exercising a lot more (2 or more times a day) and burning off calories from stopping at a cafe or having dessert. At some point that wasn't enough and I started purging in other ways. As I've been recovering, I've talked to a therapist. When I mentioned the over-exercising she told me that it is a type of purging.

I definitely recommend learning more about eating disorders (through reading books on it, forums / blogs like these, etc.) and even reaching out to a therapist. I'm not sure of the availability / how expensive a therapist is in Australia, but I imagine there are places you can reach out to and explore a little further. Group therapy may help more as well.

I hope this helps. Feel free to message me if you want to chat more.

yulinda

Hi. Well we have a lot in common. I am 32 and will be 33. I am also 5'2. I use to be around 143 and in my early 20's I did what you are doing now except I only got down to 127 lbs which was super skinny for my body type (a size 2) I got there by working out to the point of dehydration I literally ran out of sweat O_O

Now I am a mother of three dealing with stress and the weight it has packed on my midsection. I am also a therapist. Ironic right??! I know EXACTLY what I am doing yet STILL I found myself here, battling bulimia.

From what you are saying it does sound like you suffer from an eating disorder. Why must you workout for 90 mins after a piece of cake??? What will happen if you DONT burn off those calories??? Whats the logic that you come up with?? Is a piece of cake considered a binge for you?

I am in the middle of my recovery and it is purely mental and it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. If you need an ear I am here if you want to bend it!!!

tachyon_master

I think in some part I have to put some of this down to MFP.

I was actually doing fine for quite a while - until I got this idea in my head that I should stop eating back exercise calories. I never considered that I starved myself as such, because I always ate the 1200-1300 that MFP recommended. But I somehow let people on the MFP forums convince me not to eat back the exercise calories because "people always overestimate their burn". So I figured that if I didn't eat them back, then I could hardly be overestimating what I should be eating back...

So while it's not necessary for me to workout for 90 minutes to burn off a piece of cake as such...If it doesn't fit within my daily calorie allowance (ignoring exercise calories), then I have to work it off.

I guess in some part it's psychological. But there was some logic behind it - at least to start with

yulinda

That would make sense if you were still trying to lose weight. I dont eat my exercise calories because I am 40lbs overweight so I NEED to have a calorie deficit. That is not the case with you. Question do you just want to stop losing or do you want to gain a little back? If you jsut want to maintain then it is not necessary for you to exercise your treats away as long as you stay around your calorie goal. So if you eat 1400 cals and burn off 300 you should be okay. Weight once a week to make sure you are staying within a 5 lb range of where you want to be and make adjustments if necessary.

Now if you want to gain some weight ( lean muscle not fat) then your diet and exercise regimen would need to reflect that.

Hope this helped :-)

tachyon_master

So just a quick update.

I spoke to a Dr. There's nothing medically wrong, I am just clearly massively underweight. She has given me orders to put on 1kg a week for the time being, by eating more and stop exercising cold turkey. We'll see how it goes, because 1kg a week means eating 2400 calories a day with no exercise. Given the last few days after seeing the Dr, 2400 is a struggle. I know I have to do it, but even with the nuts and avocado and the other healthy "high calorie" foods, it's still hard.

And I don't know if it's symptomatic of the whole quitting exercise cold turkey thing, but my migraines have returned with a vengance. I'm going to really struggle not to do any exercise if this continues.