reconciling the disconnect between MFP and online dating
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r1ghtpath
Posts: 701 Member
so, on here i put up my profile picture and i got a bunch of messages ( from guys and girls) about how much they liked it or loved it.
i put up the exact same picture on my profile on OKC, and i got ONE message about liking the picture, and one other that stated i wasn't smiling in it.
i am having an issue between what i call fantasy ( MFP) and reality ( OKC). is it because we all want to uplift each other here? so we compliment and blow smoke up each other's butts? or is it because the pressure is off and we are totally ok flirting with each other because we know nothing will ever come of it? i feel like MFP is building up my confidence, which is fine, but it's not real. it's a fantasy.
having guys flirt here has messed with my reality i think. or is because of the mildly suggestiveness of posts, pictures, statuses that make the guys flirt? and since i don't do those things in my OKC profile i won't get the guys to flirt??
it's like i'm a balloon. MFP blows me up and OKC deflates me, LOL!!!
anyone get what i'm saying??
i put up the exact same picture on my profile on OKC, and i got ONE message about liking the picture, and one other that stated i wasn't smiling in it.
i am having an issue between what i call fantasy ( MFP) and reality ( OKC). is it because we all want to uplift each other here? so we compliment and blow smoke up each other's butts? or is it because the pressure is off and we are totally ok flirting with each other because we know nothing will ever come of it? i feel like MFP is building up my confidence, which is fine, but it's not real. it's a fantasy.
having guys flirt here has messed with my reality i think. or is because of the mildly suggestiveness of posts, pictures, statuses that make the guys flirt? and since i don't do those things in my OKC profile i won't get the guys to flirt??
it's like i'm a balloon. MFP blows me up and OKC deflates me, LOL!!!
anyone get what i'm saying??
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Replies
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On here it is actually more like real life then the dating sites.
On them the mission is defined and everything is framed under that whereas here people tend to develop a feel for others in the course of natural conversation and discussion.
That is what happens in day to day personal interaction too.
I would say that on a dating site a persons picture has to strike an immediate reaction,hence what DM and others say about the 10`s getting all the action and the rest of us virtually nothing.
On MFP there is no such pretense and a very attractive person (yourself for example) can shine through because it is more about personalities.0 -
I don't have any online dating sites, however I do see that MFP is a lot less guarded. A typical Facebook or OKCupid profile probably has a girls best looking photos, a bunch of great qualities and a bunch of prerequisites she expects you to meet. MFP has the same girl with an ordinary head shot, she's talking about her own issues and of course bacon, she seems more approachable, less intimidating. I know personally I get a lot more attention here than otherwise, perhaps because in real life i usually i have headphones in, my eyes in a book or on my phone, pretty much oblivious. Here i'm open to communication, I accept all friends, respond to all messages, and don't take myself as seriously as it may appear.0
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that's what i'm getting at carl. my online and real life are my reality. but, what people think of me on MFP is my fantasy. i like it. i like that people think i'm attractive and want to flirt.
but, in my real life no one does those things. NO ONE!! i blend into the background, i get looked over, just like on OKC. MFP blows me up, and OKC brings me back to real life. :-)
yes, who i am here, is exactly who i am. and i wrote the exact same things on my profile that i wrote here. same pics, etc. i don't get hit on in real life, ever!!!0 -
I see you're from NoVA. I have lots of friends from there. I'm from Tidewater, but spent my summer vacations during university around the DC area. Even Leesburg, which is just around the corner from you.
I think you should smile in your profile pic. You look sad. Why the sad pic? Sad women sometimes look sexy. In that particular pic, you just look sad.
I also just checked out your other pics here and was quite impressed. Very nice, um, assets.
Dating sites are filled with pathetic losers (except you and everyone here), so ignore any comments you receive there and listen to what we say here.
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that's what i'm getting at carl. my online and real life are my reality. but, what people think of me on MFP is my fantasy. i like it. i like that people think i'm attractive and want to flirt.
but, in my real life no one does those things. NO ONE!! i blend into the background, i get looked over, just like on OKC. MFP blows me up, and OKC brings me back to real life. :-)
yes, who i am here, is exactly who i am. and i wrote the exact same things on my profile that i wrote here. same pics, etc. i don't get hit on in real life, ever!!!
Same here. For the record, I think you're very pretty. No reason to be looked over at all. But yeah....it's the same for me.0 -
Oh, and I think you're attractive. I'd try to pick you up in a bar, if that makes you feel any better... Even if you weren't smiling.
And as you've probably noted from comments i've made to others, I'm not exactly known for sugar coating much here. So you can trust me: I'd definitely try to pick you up. :-)
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I agree with Carl.
Could I make a suggestion... Why not find more local MFP friends to expand your circle? This could be both men and women (single or not) and let the conversations flow naturally and you never know who you might find or who knows someone that might be great for you. Just a thought and it's very easy to do either on the message boards or under the Community/Find Members tab.0 -
that's what i'm getting at carl. my online and real life are my reality. but, what people think of me on MFP is my fantasy. i like it. i like that people think i'm attractive and want to flirt.
but, in my real life no one does those things. NO ONE!! i blend into the background, i get looked over, just like on OKC. MFP blows me up, and OKC brings me back to real life. :-)
yes, who i am here, is exactly who i am. and i wrote the exact same things on my profile that i wrote here. same pics, etc. i don't get hit on in real life, ever!!!
Neither do I but that is because (or what my ego is going to choose to believe
) that in real life we don`t that the time to make friends and interact.
Online dating is a its own thing and outside of both...if there were forums where people could interact there you would find the same as here.
It is about getting to know a person.
Online dating is seeing someone that instantly attracts,reading some basics to the point everything is acceptable and then they try to get to know each other.0 -
On MFP you're amongst friends.
On OKC you're amongst cheats, liars, scammers, pervs, weirdo's, egotists, freaks, players......................etc
I'd definitely blow your balloon up on here, and keep it blown up! :flowerforyou:0 -
On MFP you're amongst friends.
On OKC you're amongst cheats, liars, scammers, pervs, weirdo's, egotists, freaks, players......................etc
I'd definitely blow your balloon up on here, and keep it blown up! :flowerforyou:
This and lets not forget that on MFP your interacting with people ALL over the world. On dating sites most of the time your localized to people near you. Now while I understand that you can say will the people near me aren't sending messages. You have to remember why people are on the site that they are on. You know that dating sites have a precentage of men that are actually married, a percentage of men that are just looking for "notches" in their bedpost, men that don't know how to commit or want to commit, and a few good men. The men and women you meet here (well most of them, I do believe there are some creepers here just trying to use the site as a dating site) are here focused on a goal a similar goal as you so together you already have that common interest. Yes, it is our job here (being on your FL) to pick you up and keep you motivated because you pick us up and keep us motivated.
I do understand what you are saying and if you are just pointing out a fact great but if you are taking it personal I am going to have to come over and kick your *kitten*0 -
I do get what you're saying and let myself get caught up in it too! After only a few weeks on Single Peeps, I felt encouraged enough to try online dating...if all these other people are having success, I should get over my fear and be trying too....
What I quickly realized is how MFP does build you up, which is great, but it's not realistic. People are here to support you, they have the same goals as you, so there is an understanding and a chance to learn people's personalities. Online dating... NOT SO MUCH! Men don't care about my personality when they're checking out my profile online, at least not at first. So it's all looks and a little bit of interests/ personality. That's not true on MFP. I could be the most hideous woman ever yet because everyone sees my personality, and more importantly, the progress I'm making on my health, it earns me some credit I can't get online..
So, I stepped back from online dating. It was hurting my ego too much to see so many people successful on Single Peeps and then me feel like a failure online. I know it shouldn't... but it's the reality. I love Single Peeps, but let's be honest that the majority of men on here who might flirt with me, would never give my profile any attention on an online dating site. That sucks... but again, it's reality. I'm tired of fighting reality....
Good Luck sweetie :laugh: Don't stop trying but remember a reality check is not a bad thing! Set your expectations accordingly and you'll be fine. I'm hoping to figure out what that is for me as well!0 -
What I quickly realized is how MFP does build you up, which is great, but it's not realistic. People are here to support you, they have the same goals as you, so there is an understanding and a chance to learn people's personalities. Online dating... NOT SO MUCH!
So let me get this straight... You get to know people here on MFP a bit - similar, like-minded individuals that share common goals and interests - and they get to know you, too. OK, not in tremendous detail, but there is a connection, virtual conversations, exchanged emails, photos, etc. They make positive comments about you, your looks, your personality, etc., but for some reason all of this is not really "realistic."
On the other hand the opinions that matter - the gold standard - are from guys trolling for quick sex on cheesy internet dating sites. When they say something, you can take it to the bank.
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What I quickly realized is how MFP does build you up, which is great, but it's not realistic. People are here to support you, they have the same goals as you, so there is an understanding and a chance to learn people's personalities. Online dating... NOT SO MUCH!
So let me get this straight... You get to know people here on MFP a bit - similar, like-minded individuals that share common goals and interests - and they get to know you, too. OK, not in tremendous detail, but there is a connection, virtual conversations, exchanged emails, photos, etc. They make positive comments about you, your looks, your personality, etc., but for some reason all of this is not really "realistic."
On the other hand the opinions that matter - the gold standard - are from guys trolling for quick sex on cheesy internet dating sites. When they say something, you can take it to the bank.
--P
It's not realistic in the sense that online, no one has the chance to see those great things like you can see on MFP. It's a straight up look at your pics and MAYBE your profile before deciding if you're worth contacting. I'm in no way saying internet sites are ACCURATE in their perception of us, but more realistic as to what to expect from others. I shouldn't be expecting men/ people to like me as much as they do on MFP because they don't GET or TAKE the chance to know WHO I am... just what I look like. I value the opinion a lot more of people I meet on here though but have to be realistic in what to expect from others... that's all I'm saying.0 -
I will take a lady from MFP or everyday life that I find attractive,intelligent and interesting any day of the week over a "10" that is a shallow,airheaded princess.
The actual problem is geographical,most are too far apart to make something come of it.0 -
It's not realistic in the sense that online, no one has the chance to see those great things like you can see on MFP. It's a straight up look at your pics and MAYBE your profile before deciding if you're worth contacting. I'm in no way saying internet sites are ACCURATE in their perception of us, but more realistic as to what to expect from others. I shouldn't be expecting men/ people to like me as much as they do on MFP because they don't GET or TAKE the chance to know WHO I am... just what I look like. I value the opinion a lot more of people I meet on here though but have to be realistic in what to expect from others... that's all I'm saying.
That's my entire point. What is a realistic opinion: someone who knows you a bit, where there has been prior interaction, or someone who just looks at a pic of you for 2 seconds on a 2-D glowing screen?
I'm not trying to troll here. I'm being serious. What is beauty, even physical beauty? Some women look more attractive to me after I get to know them a bit. I don't mean they look more attractive as a total package: looks, personality, etc. I literally mean they look physically more attractive to me after getting to know them, even if it's only from a few posts here at MFP... There is something about their personality that impacts their physical beauty, as well.
If you're saying that people who don't know you can't really appreciate you, then I agree. If you're saying people here know you a bit and are hence being overly nice to you when they compliment you, I disagree.
Why should you expect people you meet in real life to act the same way as people from on-line dating sites? The more info people have about you, the better your chances. The problem is getting out there and giving more and more people the info they need to see you as you truly are. Something that won't happen on-line.
This is also why I hate on-line dating. For me, dating is much better if it happens like this:
I get to know someone a bit. Not much, but just a bit. Ideally through a friend, a mutual interest, seeing each other in line and briefly talking at a local coffee shop a few times, etc. Then we go out. Later, we determine if we should get more serious, etc.
With on-line dating, you have practically zero info on your date before you meet them, and there is tremendous pressure to make a decision right away. The entire set up seems artificial to me, and that impacts how I see the woman on that first encounter. It's like Schrödinger's cat. But for me, the cat is always dead... :-)
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So, I stepped back from online dating. It was hurting my ego too much to see so many people successful on Single Peeps and then me feel like a failure online. I know it shouldn't... but it's the reality.
Believe me when I say this, about 75% of my friends, who've done online dating, have had similar experiences to yours. Heck, your experience might actually be better than a lot of people on there. Just because you didn't lasso in the man of your dreams on there, doesn't mean it'll never happen. I think you should continue with the online thing for a little while longer.
Also, don't be so freakin' hard on yourself!0 -
I think people on MFP are too "cheesy-nice" sometimes. Everyone is just "awesome", "beautiful", "hot", and "is so amazing they should be with someone", nobody never cheats and everyone's ex was an @sshole/b!tch but not us.
We're such an amazing bunch that I'm wondering why this group is called the single peeps! But apparently it's because people can't handle our strong characters.
Ah.
I suspect everyone is nice as you get to know them, as you understand them (even those people we hate). That said, I don't have time to know everyone and so I've got to focus on the people with who I share interest.
All of this to say that everyone is probably amazing if you get to know them enough (MFP).
But yeah, for attracting people and the 30 first seconds of an interaction, looks and smile are still more useful than an amazing personality (Dating Website).0 -
I think people on MFP are too "cheesy-nice" sometimes. Everyone is just "awesome", "beautiful", "hot", and "is so amazing they should be with someone", nobody never cheats and everyone's ex was an @sshole/b!tch but not us.
We're such an amazing bunch that I'm wondering why this group is called the single peeps! But apparently it's because people can't handle our strong characters.
Ah.
I suspect everyone is nice as you get to know them, as you understand them (even those people we hate). That said, I don't have time to know everyone and so I've got to focus on the people with who I share interest.
All of this to say that everyone is probably amazing if you get to know them enough (MFP).
But yeah, for attracting people and the 30 first seconds of an interaction, looks and smile are still more useful than an amazing personality (Dating Website).
Well said!0 -
I like your pick anyone can tell by it that you are attractive but maybe men dont find it inviting because you are not smiling. I think you should change your profile Pic on OKC to a full body shot (not too revealing) or a smiling one with your hair not to one side! Keep us posted. Besides, I think it would be great to meet a guy on MFP!0
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I think people on MFP are too "cheesy-nice" sometimes. Everyone is just "awesome", "beautiful", "hot", and "is so amazing they should be with someone", nobody never cheats and everyone's ex was an @sshole/b!tch but not us.
We're such an amazing bunch that I'm wondering why this group is called the single peeps! But apparently it's because people can't handle our strong characters.
Ah.
I suspect everyone is nice as you get to know them, as you understand them (even those people we hate). That said, I don't have time to know everyone and so I've got to focus on the people with who I share interest.
All of this to say that everyone is probably amazing if you get to know them enough (MFP).
But yeah, for attracting people and the 30 first seconds of an interaction, looks and smile are still more useful than an amazing personality (Dating Website).
this is why i call MFP my fantasy. we all pump one another up!! there is a thread about being hot right now. well, i certainly don't think i'm hot and i know there are a lot of other women on this site that don't think they are either. but then there are posters saying " hell yes you're hot!!" ok, so, MFP people think you're hot but how does that translate into the real world.
i had a smiley pic up on OKC, til i got SOOOO many compliments on this one here, LOL!!! no one had messaged me, other than a married dude, looking for a "friend" who thought i was CUTE :-) LOL since this pic seemed to include words ( from guys) like LOVE, i figured i'd give it a shot.
it did get me two messages. one that didn't go anywhere and the other to say i wasn't smiling. we messaged for a bit yesterday and then poof off he was........... that all just got me thinking about the disconnect between my two words.
and no bruce, i'm not taking any of this personally. it's just more of an observation. and i'm trying to figure out where the healthy middle ground is in all of this :-) how to balance out the two different sides in my world............... i don't want an inflated ego or crushed self esteem. i want even keel middle ground, LOL!!!!!!!!0
