Valid or NEXT?
Replies
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1) Kids should ALWAYS come first to a parent. This is why I don't have kids and why I would prefer not to date someone with kids for a long time. However if I chose to date someone with a kid, I would be utterly disgusted if they abandoned their sick child that they probably already don't get to see very often to go on a date with someone they don't even know very well.
2) The guy was keeping you up to date, and rescheduling on the spot. This is something to consider. When someone says "Hey, I gotta cancel sorry" and leaves you hanging then yeah, I'd say they're not interested. I think that since he is genuinely trying to work something out right away, and he has so far not given you a reason to distrust him.
My advice? Roll with it. Worst case scenario you find out he's a lying scumbag and then what? You're not exactly emotionally invested, it's been one date. Be annoyed and move on.0 -
People that might not have been in single peeps for a long time might not know that DM has an extremely long lists of what he will and will not date and when he will date them. If you think you are picky you are nothing compared to him.
Don't forget that he's always right and his opinions are facts that everyone should live by
(Look! I used an emoticon to show I'm teasing! Yay emotions, hahaha) 0 -
I think the guy is a bit of a poor planner personally... My default position would be to trust him, but really he should have thought about giving his child a few days to recover. Maybe organise a date on Wed or Thurs straight away and freeing OP rather than hopping the child will miraculously recover after one day, every day.The way this guy handled the communication regarding the sickness (assuming it was genuine, which Moe believes it to be) was suspect in my opinion. He could have moved the date to a weekday that works for him, as well as Moe, immediately at the first sign of sickness, so as to not give Moe false hope. I feel that he strung Moe along and his cancellations notices were short.0 -
But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?
No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.
But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.
DM, I'm sorry, but you are in a losing (and rather selfish sounding) battle calling a sick child an 'excuse'. I think the one thing that every person here can agree on is that it is a very good thing you don't date women with kids.
The original quote was "But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?". Nowhere in that original quote does it say anything about sickness. My response to this quote was based on the rules and a broad based interpretation of the word child. I never once said that a genuinely sick child wasn't an excuse. But sometimes in the early stages of dating, the rapport hasn't been built up to know what the real story is. I, and mostly every other single guy I know, have had plenty of dates cancelled on "sickness". The only real "sickness" in most of these cases is low interest level. The last two sentences are a separate issue that probably could have its own thread.
The way this guy handled the communication regarding the sickness (assuming it was genuine, which Moe believes it to be) was suspect in my opinion. He could have moved the date to a weekday that works for him, as well as Moe, immediately at the first sign of sickness, so as to not give Moe false hope. I feel that he strung Moe along and his cancellations notices were short.
Just because a person has children, it is not a built in excuse to not treat others well. The problem is not necessarily the sick child, but the communication around the issue and the re-scheduling.
Yes, but the original post was about a sick child and a father that tried to reschedule. Maybe the rescheduling wasn't handled well, but I also don't think there was anything disrespectful about it either. The fact is that the poor guy was probably in the middle of juggling a puking kid, conversing with the ex about it, and who knows what else. So he didn't give an exact time frame to follow up at that moment and that's the frustration? He still sounds better than most of the singles out there who poof without any explanation.0 -
Whenever it happens to me I just try not to waste my time trying to figure out if it was a valid excuse or not, we'll probably never know. Instead, I just tell them to call me when they are available and don't hold my breath.0
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I think the guy is a bit of a poor planner personally... My default position would be to trust him, but really he should have thought about giving his child a few days to recover. Maybe organise a date on Wed or Thurs straight away and freeing OP rather than hopping the child will miraculously recover after one day, every day.The way this guy handled the communication regarding the sickness (assuming it was genuine, which Moe believes it to be) was suspect in my opinion. He could have moved the date to a weekday that works for him, as well as Moe, immediately at the first sign of sickness, so as to not give Moe false hope. I feel that he strung Moe along and his cancellations notices were short.
To be fair, a lot of sudden onset illnesses like that usually do clear up within 12-24 hours. He could have thought it was food poisoning but it turned out to be a full on flu.0 -
But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?
No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.
But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.
You want a person to find a babysitter for a SICK kid? Really? SICK? Vomiting?? Thank god you don't want to date anyone with kids - she'd dump your *kitten* in a heartbeat.0 -
I can't tell you how many times that I have had to change plans because of my something with my son. Happened two weeks ago. His father was supposed to pick him up from daycare, got stuck on a call with mounds of paperwork, and couldn't get him. I had to push back the date time.
Since he is still talking to you I would give him a chance. However, if this is going to be the behavior continuously then he might just be a weirdo. Kid stuff happens but most people can make some kind of arrangement.
i would wait and see what happens. he has been in constant communication and letting you know.
go out on other dates until he can set one night aside just for this date.
sounds like if he is sharing custody and swapping everyday with the ex that may be hard. things come up. does he have the kid every wkend?0 -
But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?
No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.
But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.
DM you sound like a real catch. why are u single again?0 -
For the record, I (at this point) do believe that the child was sick. And, I am glad that he stayed with him if he was sick--show his priorities are where I would want them to be. I was just unsure if I was being naive, because sometimes I am.
And, also, on our first date, he told me that when he has his son, he does not leave him with a sitter--it is not fair to the child--he has him every other week, so he schedules dates on off nights/weeks OR has dates come over after his son is asleep.
So, thank you all for advice :flowerforyou:
I think I will take what most of you have said and just wait it out and see what happens...and not turn other dates down
^^^ good decision.
I agree with you about his priorities. if he got a sitter for his sick kid I would think differently about him and wonder why he's not more concerned 0 -
But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?
No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.
But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.
You want a person to find a babysitter for a SICK kid? Really? SICK? Vomiting?? Thank god you don't want to date anyone with kids - she'd dump your *kitten* in a heartbeat.
Um, no. You're putting words in my mouth. I had an explanation on this page about my interpretation of the word child being broad based rather than specific. Never did I say the word babysitter.
The problem, as flimflamfloz and I have said, was poor communication and planning. I also found the hour long distance a significant issue as well.
As I have seen the topic of parental dating more and more, I really have gotten a greater appreciation for my uncle and aunt, who did things did the right way, and have stayed together for 40 years. They were prepared for the rigors of parenthood, they did parenthood well and they stayed together. I think they truly understood what being a committed couple and what marriage is all about. Too many people take marriage and parenthood not seriously enough.
I think that dating is hard enough without the complexities of children. As I see more and more cases of this, I feel more strongly about this perspective. In a dating relationship, the two people dating need to have the freedom to spend as much time together as possible and form the right foundation for a long lasting relationship.0 -
But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?
No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.
But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.
DM you sound like a real catch. why are u single again?
I do not appreciate the snarky comment.
Once again, I explained how many people have taken my words out of context and how that was meant to be taken. I believe that a man should make a woman he's dating a priority. My philosophy is about making the woman I am with a valued part of my life. My perspective should not be mocked and what you say is hurtful to me. When does someone become a bad guy for making a woman a priority in life?
The man in Moe's situation showed Moe a lack of respect and poor communication/planning. Flimflamfloz and I talked about this earlier in the page.
I feel that bashing me is losing the forest in the trees.0 -
DM you sound like a real catch. why are u single again?
I know this was sarcastic... but in my opinion, he is a REAL catch... as are a lot of men that post here.
For you David.... :flowerforyou: :smooched:0 -
I didn't take DMs comment in a bad way. I read it exactly as he meant it, he wasnt talking about when the child is sick.
I think the date in question should had done a better job communicating as well.
And I'll say it too, this is why I don't date men with kiddos. It sounds like a hassle (and I know I don't understand because I do NOT have kids but nothing any of you can say to change my opinion on it). I rather date a man I can see whenever we want, have sex whenever we want, go wherever we want, etc.0 -
When does someone become a bad guy for making a woman a priority in life?
When a man (or woman) does so at the detriment to their children. Perhaps you weren't being very clear but if you look back on what you were suggesting you have literally said many times that the guy was using the child as an excuse and that she should be his priority. Yes, his communication was flawed no one is disagreeing with you there. Most people are taking issue with the part you keep insisting that children should be shunted aside in favor of dating. Whether or not you actually mean what you are saying is beside the point. This is why folks are taking issue. It's comments like this:
"No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date."
"If a guy is interested in a woman, nothing will get in his way."
"Kids can just be used as a convenient excuse out of stuff. "
When responding to a concern about a sick kid people are going to assume you're staying on topic unless you clearly state otherwise. Since you did clarify (until later) that you were targeting his method of communication how were we to know you had switched topics on us?
On top of that you are speaking detrimentally to people who are choosing to lead their dating lives differently from yours (criticizing her for dating someone who lives an hour away, or someone with a kid)? She wasn't asking your opinion on whether those things were okay or not, but that didn't stop you from openly critiquing her choice simply because it was different from yours. Pair that with your tendency to treat your ideas as the only possible right way to do anything and yeah... people got rubbed the wrong way and retaliated.
So yeah... hopefully that helps with your confusion on the turn of events.0 -
For the record, I (at this point) do believe that the child was sick. And, I am glad that he stayed with him if he was sick--show his priorities are where I would want them to be. I was just unsure if I was being naive, because sometimes I am.
And, also, on our first date, he told me that when he has his son, he does not leave him with a sitter--it is not fair to the child--he has him every other week, so he schedules dates on off nights/weeks OR has dates come over after his son is asleep.
So, thank you all for advice :flowerforyou:
I think I will take what most of you have said and just wait it out and see what happens...and not turn other dates down
I'm glad you are waiting on this guy. He sounds like his priorities are in the right place and he's conscientious enough to keep communicating with you his interest to meet.
He made a mistake trying to reschedule the date so soon, but I really think you should take that as a measure of his interest in you. He didn't want the weekend to come and go without seeing you as planned. Sounds pretty good to me, actually. 0 -
When does someone become a bad guy for making a woman a priority in life?
When a man (or woman) does so at the detriment to their children. Perhaps you weren't being very clear but if you look back on what you were suggesting you have literally said many times that the guy was using the child as an excuse and that she should be his priority. Yes, his communication was flawed no one is disagreeing with you there. Most people are taking issue with the part you keep insisting that children should be shunted aside in favor of dating. Whether or not you actually mean what you are saying is beside the point. This is why folks are taking issue. It's comments like this:
"No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date."
"If a guy is interested in a woman, nothing will get in his way."
"Kids can just be used as a convenient excuse out of stuff. "
When responding to a concern about a sick kid people are going to assume you're staying on topic unless you clearly state otherwise. Since you did clarify (until later) that you were targeting his method of communication how were we to know you had switched topics on us?
On top of that you are speaking detrimentally to people who are choosing to lead their dating lives differently from yours (criticizing her for dating someone who lives an hour away, or someone with a kid)? She wasn't asking your opinion on whether those things were okay or not, but that didn't stop you from openly critiquing her choice simply because it was different from yours. Pair that with your tendency to treat your ideas as the only possible right way to do anything and yeah... people got rubbed the wrong way and retaliated.
So yeah... hopefully that helps with your confusion on the turn of events.
^^^ this.
Thanks Kitsune!0 -
When does someone become a bad guy for making a woman a priority in life?
When a man (or woman) does so at the detriment to their children. Perhaps you weren't being very clear but if you look back on what you were suggesting you have literally said many times that the guy was using the child as an excuse and that she should be his priority.
What I suggested is within the realm of possibility, which it most definitely is. In the early stages of a relationship, you never know if a person is BSing you. Guys are real tuned into this as mostly any guy has heard his fair share of excuses. It is a shame though, that many of us become so jaded but there's a reality to it that after you hear things that seem valid turn into excuses.
I want to be with a woman who finds me amazingly attractive. I'm her centerpiece and she's mine.
Is my way the only way? Not exactly. But you're right that I am forceful with my opinions/beliefs. It is confidence. Confidence is attractiveness. 0 -
When does someone become a bad guy for making a woman a priority in life?
When a man (or woman) does so at the detriment to their children. Perhaps you weren't being very clear but if you look back on what you were suggesting you have literally said many times that the guy was using the child as an excuse and that she should be his priority.
What I suggested is within the realm of possibility, which it most definitely is. In the early stages of a relationship, you never know if a person is BSing you. Guys are real tuned into this as mostly any guy has heard his fair share of excuses. It is a shame though, that many of us become so jaded but there's a reality to it that after you hear things that seem valid turn into excuses.
I want to be with a woman who finds me amazingly attractive. I'm her centerpiece and she's mine.
Is my way the only way? Not exactly. But you're right that I am forceful with my opinions/beliefs. It is confidence. Confidence is attractiveness.
Sure anything can be an excuse.
But why live thinking negatively? I would assume the person was telling the truth unless I found reason not to believe them. Why assume the first thing is that the person is lying?
Having a positive attitude and thinking the best is confident after all.0 -
When does someone become a bad guy for making a woman a priority in life?
When a man (or woman) does so at the detriment to their children. Perhaps you weren't being very clear but if you look back on what you were suggesting you have literally said many times that the guy was using the child as an excuse and that she should be his priority.
What I suggested is within the realm of possibility, which it most definitely is. In the early stages of a relationship, you never know if a person is BSing you. Guys are real tuned into this as mostly any guy has heard his fair share of excuses. It is a shame though, that many of us become so jaded but there's a reality to it that after you hear things that seem valid turn into excuses.
I want to be with a woman who finds me amazingly attractive. I'm her centerpiece and she's mine.
Is my way the only way? Not exactly. But you're right that I am forceful with my opinions/beliefs. It is confidence. Confidence is attractiveness.
Yes, but to assume someone is lying because they are saying their child is violently ill... if you want to assume everyone is a liar until proven otherwise that you're choice. I suppose I am of the camp that one is innocent until proven guilty, especially considering how eager and forthright he has been with trying to reschedule. He wasn't vague, just unfortunately optimistic. Could he be lying? Sure, but what harm could it do to give him the benefit of the doubt a couple times without saying that people can't use children as an excuse.
That's fine if that's what you want, but Moe is dating a man with a child and when children come into the picture the SO takes a backseat (in my opinion what is best for the children always come first - which is why I don't want any right now!) Like I said, in the parts you cropped out, the way you were coming across is that this guy is stupid to consider his child over a woman he went on one date with.
Confidence is sexy - but there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance 0 -
When does someone become a bad guy for making a woman a priority in life?
When a man (or woman) does so at the detriment to their children. Perhaps you weren't being very clear but if you look back on what you were suggesting you have literally said many times that the guy was using the child as an excuse and that she should be his priority.
What I suggested is within the realm of possibility, which it most definitely is. In the early stages of a relationship, you never know if a person is BSing you. Guys are real tuned into this as mostly any guy has heard his fair share of excuses. It is a shame though, that many of us become so jaded but there's a reality to it that after you hear things that seem valid turn into excuses.
I want to be with a woman who finds me amazingly attractive. I'm her centerpiece and she's mine.
Is my way the only way? Not exactly. But you're right that I am forceful with my opinions/beliefs. It is confidence. Confidence is attractiveness.
Confidence yes, being stubborn and cocky NO.0
This discussion has been closed.