I have sat over the last couple of days and really done some reflecting. Actually the last 6 weeks or so has been a time of reflecting and change for me. I started 6 weeks ago on a journey that was bound to change my life. If I stuck to it, it would be positive. If I chose to fail, it would be negative in drastic ways. Back in May, I was faced with the decision of either choosing to lose weight or ultimately letting my weight kill me. In the end, I chose to lose the weight.
In June, I started a 12 week weight loss program where I meet with a dietitian and a trainer weekly. I also on my own chose to combine mental health counseling with this and for 12 weeks to focus entirely on improving me. There were things besides my physical being that needed work and that is where the mental counseling would come into play and so EVERY week for the last 6 weeks I have went to counseling. I remember about 5 weeks ago sitting in my dietitians office and we were talking about positive affirmation. She tasked me with writing and believing a positive affirmation every day. Well on one day in particular I wrote “I Am Good Enough” and immediately took it down because I didn’t believe it. We talked about it and then I went to counseling and talked about it more. It was at that point both my dietitian and my psychologist really started to see how broken I was. Last week I was able to tell both my dietitian and psychologist “I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I AM WORTHY, AND I DESERVE TO BE LOVED”. My psychologist was impressed and stated it looks like your starting to turn a corner.
As this journey has went on, I have continued to work hard and continued to weekly lose weight and work hard. I remember at one point while working out with my trainer sitting on the weight bench and looking at her and telling her with tears in my eyes “Duke has NEVER quit on me and I AM NOT ABOUT TO QUIT!” I work with doctors, dietitians, and trainers who believe in me and push me to succeed. A few weeks ago while at the wellness center I was told by someone there, “My money is on you kid!” My work out partner from time to time there is a former Marine and her and I push each other. I have this mentality of not wanting to be outdone by the 50 something year old former Marine! LOL!
Over the last couple of weeks, I have made new friends in the Wellness Center and they always want me to work out with their group. It’s a group of older ladies who do the cardiac class and when I am in back of class, they want me in front with the instructor. After class is over, they come up to me telling me how well I did and how much they enjoy me in class.
My smile and laugh is coming back. Even my dietitian talks about it. Last week I put in to be moved back to day shift. I was told I was going back to days starting today (8/8) and my last night on my night shift rotation would be on Sunday. My night shift squad threw me a surprise going away party where they brought in food. What was interesting about this was back in May after my overnight stay in the hospital I gave up fast food. Well on Sunday night, fried chicken was brought in from a local fast food restaurant. I ate some and on Tuesday I walked in to my dietitian’s office with my head held high and confessed and laughed about it. They said as long as I don’t get back on that track where I am doing it every day, it was ok to have a day of indescresition. I am still laughing and smiling about it 3 days later.
Today marks 2 months since my engagement ended to the woman I had hoped to spend the rest of my life with. I thought she was the one but obviously the problems we had were too much for us to overcome in the end. I have had 2 months to think about things and in the process work on myself. I understand things better now and see things differently and thus more clearly. My views and feelings on things are now able to be verbalized on how I saw the last part of our relationship. While working on myself in counseling, I am also working on what I need to do to be the best partner I can be for anyone in my future. While I may still be broken in some ways, I am not nearly as broken as I was 3 months, 2 months or even 6 weeks ago. I am gaining some self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. I believe in myself more than I ever have thanks to the team I have been fortunate to work with over the last 6 weeks.
In the last couple of months my mom and I have been working on the relationship that has been so rocky over the last couple of years. It has often caused me a great deal of pain and it has been discussed in counseling on different occasions. My mom has never told me how proud she is of me like she has of recent. She told me she doesn’t know how I do everything I do with being working full time, going to school, and volunteering as an EMT. Last night she told me that I do have a good heart and before I got off the phone my mom said something to me I haven’t heard her say in years. She told me she loved me and she can’t wait to see me again (I told her I didn’t want to see her until I was done with my 12 week weight loss program).
My weight loss has allowed me to come out of my shell some. I have been more willing to meet people and try to make friends. I have been willing to take people under my wing and show/teach them what I have learned while I have been working with my trainer.
For my scale victories, every week I lose weight which I am super happy about. Since the very end of April I have managed to lose to never be found again 40 pounds. At times it’s been easy to lose and at others it’s been a struggle. On Tuesday I gave both my trainer and my dietitian a picture to put on my file that was taken back in April. They said they can see a huge difference in me. While I have a long way to go, I have already accomplished a lot and I am proud of that. I know other people are proud of me also. They tell me at work that they need to order me new clothes because mine are not fitting anymore. While at times my weight loss seems to slow, my trainer always makes sure I don’t get discouraged. She has told me that while I may not see the pounds actually coming off, the inches in fact may be coming off.
I never thought I would say that I am turning into a Blue Devil fan but I am. Duke has worked hard to give me my life back. I am still a work in progress and I know that and they know that. They have told me that when I am done with my Lose to Live Program that this journey is not over. This is just the start of a journey to a much healthier life and I am proud to say that the support I have is nothing short of amazing. I am incredibly lucky to have the group working with me that I have. They have worked to bring this smile back to my face that has been missing for so long and to fix something that was broken. I am so happy now and look forward to many more happy days and many more scale victories as well as many more NSVs!