I screwed up again... loneliness ruled my heart
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First and foremost.....YOU DID NOT LEAD HIM ON.... Get that outta your head. or did I completely miss something here. Him being married and allowing what happened to happen does NOT fall on your shoulders. YOU DID NOT KNOW!
^^ This exactly. I think he owes you the apology. You didn't lead him on or even know he was still attached.
Think of it this way, maybe it was a lesson for you to slow down and not develop feelings for someone so quickly. :flowerforyou:
Certainly to not develop LUST so quickly.0 -
You guys are great... thank you for the support. I will definitely take things slower in the future - and like one poster said, it's only been a week - he'll get over it. Not that I think I'm breaking his heart, I just wish I would have handled myself differently is all.
I think I would be inclined to make an exception to my "no divorcing men" rule if it weren't for the fact that he can't see himself getting married again. That's a deal breaker for me. I'm not willing to compromise my dream and I'm not stupid enough to wait and "change him".0 -
As long as you learn from the opportunities in life.....you WIN in the long run.
If he really is a good guy then theres that old saying...something about if it comes back to you...it's meant to be. :bigsmile:
Sometimes I don't believe that, but sometimes I do.0 -
This.I think some people might be done with a marriage long before the papers are signed
Plus the fact that the first thing you say when you introduce yourself to people isn't "Hey I'm still married but divorcing btw", because there is still a stigma about that... Proof in this topic: emotionally unavailable, cheater... Or maybe... maybe... he is just trying to divorce, like - for real? You know the guy better than I do (well kind of) so you make your decision based on that.
It's probably not that hard to spot the difference between someone who is not really divorcing and someone who is (if he has lived separately for 6 months, has no children, has had other girlfriends before you and after his marriage, etc).
This too. Not a "big deal".Its only been a week - he'll get over it just fine
EDIT: just saw, indeed if he doesn't want to get married then I guess that's a deal breaker for you.0 -
This.I think some people might be done with a marriage long before the papers are signed
Plus the fact that the first thing you say when you introduce yourself to people isn't "Hey I'm still married but divorcing btw", because there is still a stigma about that... Proof in this topic: emotionally unavailable, cheater... Or maybe... maybe... he is just trying to divorce, like - for real? You know the guy better than I do (well kind of) so you make your decision based on that.
It's probably not that hard to spot the difference between someone who is not really divorcing and someone who is (if he has lived separately for 6 months, has no children, has had other girlfriends before you and after his marriage, etc).
This too. Not a "big deal".Its only been a week - he'll get over it just fine
Thanks Flim. Yeah, I believe that he is really divorcing... I believe that he really is "over" his ex and not looking to rekindle or drag out the drama of a divorce. But I also believe that he's not ready for what I am ready for.0 -
As long as you learn from the opportunities in life.....you WIN in the long run.
If he really is a good guy then theres that old saying...something about if it comes back to you...it's meant to be. :bigsmile:
Sometimes I don't believe that, but sometimes I do.
Sometimes I don't, but sometimes I do too, Farmer... right now I think I'm gonna believe that my destiny holds only good things for me. Thanks for your support, honey.... I really appreciate it.0 -
As far as space between divorce and and a new relationship...just because the legal system takes forever to finalize, doesn't mean that there isn't space between the decision and the new. When I chose to go from legal separation to divorce, that in my mind started the divorce clock. A year later, and I was finally able to get the legal divorce done. I'm a year into my recovery...still in counseling, still working on me even though the legal divorce was recent.
On the other hand, my ex was one of those claiming he was divorced in his online dating profile...and yet balking at getting the actual legal divorce finalized. WTH? Even though he was dating, and I presume has a girlfriend because he was taking her on outings with our younger son and going on vacations with her.
I agree with this. When I moved out I started the "clock". I also went on dating sites right away- I wasn't near ready but I figured he was dating I should too. I did learn a lot from that. Our divorce took close to two years and I dated on and off that whole time.
I have met a guy or two that are seperating but live in the same house or JUST seperated. Those I wouldn't get involved with but if someone has been living apart from thier ex for a given period of time and the papers are in the works I don't have a big problem.0 -
For example, you go out for drinks, and this guy says he's still married. Imagine if the man of your dreams was be sitting there too, but hasn't met you yet (could happen!). Big picture: How would you want this awesome guy to see you respond? I suspect you'd want him to see you respond politely but firmly about not getting entangled. Then you choose to act the way you'd want others (the man of your dreams) to see you.
That is exactly my motivation right now, Janie... you nailed it. I am determined to be available when that awesome guy walks into my life. And I'm going to have a hard time doing that if I keep sucking face with every attractive guy I meet in the meantime. :blushing:0 -
I for one don't think someone should be written off just because a divorce hasn't been "officially" signed off on. It's just paperwork. I have been seperated and living apart from my wife for over a year now. The financials have been sorted out and paid in full. Now it's just waiting for the court system to "process" the paperwork so I can have a piece of paper telling me I am no longer married. I've dated on and off since our split, I've done the rebound thing and now I am ready to start looking again. I would hate for someone to pass on me because I am, for all intents and purposes, still "legally" married.0
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This space I speak of allows you to have time to grieve, and time to reflect on what went wrong, and if you had any part in that. Then you can start fresh with a new person knowing that you've had your down time. Otherwise it just all blends.
Honestly,whether it was soon or after a long time,I have rarely seen anyone do this.
More often bitterness,blame and hard feelings set in.
Maybe just how it has worked out from my personal observations and different elsewhere.0 -
I for one don't think someone should be written off just because a divorce hasn't been "officially" signed off on. It's just paperwork. I have been seperated and living apart from my wife for over a year now. The financials have been sorted out and paid in full. Now it's just waiting for the court system to "process" the paperwork so I can have a piece of paper telling me I am no longer married. I've dated on and off since our split, I've done the rebound thing and now I am ready to start looking again. I would hate for someone to pass on me because I am, for all intents and purposes, still "legally" married.
This is a very interesting point of debate. I have not encountered this particular situation much in my own dating experience, as divorcees usually are not in my target female audience. It is somewhat rare to find divorced women under 30. Bad marriages take a lot of time to run their course. But I digress.
Anyway, I imagine the divorcing period of time to be difficult from a dating standpoint. In a lot of cases, by the time divorce papers are even filed, the marriage has likely in effect been over for a long time (the zombie marriage phase) and people may be ready to move on. Divorces usually take more than 6 months, and sometimes more than a year to complete. That can leave someone in a limbo like state for a year plus, and often times, a person is ready to move on and date someone else while the lengthy paperwork process is going on.0 -
I for one don't think someone should be written off just because a divorce hasn't been "officially" signed off on. It's just paperwork. I have been seperated and living apart from my wife for over a year now. The financials have been sorted out and paid in full. Now it's just waiting for the court system to "process" the paperwork so I can have a piece of paper telling me I am no longer married. I've dated on and off since our split, I've done the rebound thing and now I am ready to start looking again. I would hate for someone to pass on me because I am, for all intents and purposes, still "legally" married.
Hmmm I never realized this was such a big issue...I'm technically still married. My (ex) husband and I seperated over 6 years ago. We never had any property and the only thing we share are the kids so neither of us was ever in a big hurry to get divorced. In fact I was in a 5 yr long term relationship after this and he and his GF have been together 6 yrs now. We are finally pushing the divorce through cause they just had a baby and I think they want to get married. But I always introduce myself as single and We introduce each other to people as the ex so and so...No one has ever commented on it and it certainly has never slowed the guys down0 -
Don't think you should worry too much... how could you have known he was married till he told you? Forget about him/don't fall into that pattern and find a good available guy!!0
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You did nothing wrong. Nothing. And you're human - letting your hormones take over now and then is a fact of life. It's what makes us human.
In general, I don't agree with some here that you necessarily need to wait until the divorce is finalized. Many marriages are long over before the divorce process even starts, and that can take 1-2 years. On the other hand, I can see where some men would use this as an excuse, so you need to tread very carefully.
But it seems the real issue is his inability to commit. Or, rather, needing a lot of time to get over his failed marriage before he's ready to commit again. Timing is so important, and in this case, things aren't looking good. It may be years before your goals are aligned.
In any case, I think you have the right approach. Good luck.
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You did nothing wrong. Nothing. And you're human - letting your hormones take over now and then is a fact of life. It's what makes us human.
In general, I don't agree with some here that you necessarily need to wait until the divorce is finalized. Many marriages are long over before the divorce process even starts, and that can take 1-2 years. On the other hand, I can see where some men would use this as an excuse, so you need to tread very carefully.
But it seems the real issue is his inability to commit. Or, rather, needing a lot of time to get over his failed marriage before he's ready to commit again. Timing is so important, and in this case, things aren't looking good. It may be years before your goals are aligned.
In any case, I think you have the right approach. Good luck.
Yep! this^^ I'm really not sure what you're reproaching yourself about OP. You made a quick decision that this guy isn't the 'one' after a quick fumble in the hay! So what? It's just a kiss and you owe him nothing :flowerforyou:0 -
Thanks for the support guys. I think some of you are getting things confused a little bit. I don't take issue at all with someone who is divorced. I'm 35 - I am totally fine with someone having a past... it's inevitable at my age. My issue is only with the "availability" of someone who is going through a divorce. I have never been married, I have two teenage children that I've raised on my own ENTIRELY. I have found my inner strength in having been a single mom, employed full-time. I have mended my broken hearts, I am ready to meet someone whom I can fall in love with and begin building a life together - I've never had that with anyone.
Sexy Boy, on the other hand, is six months into ending an eight year marriage. When I asked what he learned from it, his response was "I should have never married her." That's all fine and good, but come on - after eight years, that's all you learned about partnership? When he said he thinks all marriages are doomed for failure, that he's never seen a successful marriage and he doesn't see himself every marrying again.... red flags went off for me, and I think it's easier to end it now then after I develop feelings for him.
I felt rotten about having been so affectionate with him... but Poncho, Prah, Anna, and the rest of you - thanks for making me see things more objectively! I feel a little better already.0 -
Sexy Boy, on the other hand, is six months into ending an eight year marriage. When I asked what he learned from it, his response was "I should have never married her." That's all fine and good, but come on - after eight years, that's all you learned about partnership? When he said he thinks all marriages are doomed for failure, that he's never seen a successful marriage and he doesn't see himself every marrying again.... red flags went off for me, and I think it's easier to end it now then after I develop feelings for him.
I am single,never married but I suspect that may be a bit of an unrealistic expectation that soon into a divorce where there may be a lot of bitterness still.
That is a very deep and involved question that takes some time to wade through and can be extremely personal.
However if you want marriage and he adamantly opposes it then you are at loggerheads so really no point in going on farther based on that alone.
So learn about yourself,what you want,how you want to be and move on.
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i keep reading this as loneliness ruined my shirt0
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Hey guys - I could use some cheering up, but I'm not sure I deserve it. Met a cute a boy a week ago - I made the first move, we talked for hours, I kissed him that same night... a bunch. We texted over the past week... flirty, sexy, but nothing overt. I met him for a beer last night and he confesses that he isn't divorced yet. My #1 rule is no entangled men. (My lifelong pattern is dating and falling for men who are emotionally unavailable). I played it off for the remainder of the night (even kissed/hugged him more), but it hit me this morning that I'll be walking the same line of falling for a guy who isn't able to give me his whole heart, if I continue seeing this guy. (He also admitted that he doesn't want to be married again and thinks that all marriages are doomed to failure... I've never been married and want to build a life with someone more than I want ANYTHING else).
We were supposed to have dinner tonight, so I sent him a text telling him that "I'm sorry I have to cancel, please call me when you have time to talk." I wanted to talk face to face, but I won't be able to stay strong if I do. He hasn't called yet.
I feel HORRIBLE for leading him on... I didn't mean to, but I should have waited for all the sexy/huggy/kissy stuff until I knew him better. I don't know that he'll accept my apology, but I know I owe him one.
I'm so sad that I let him think it could work, (by lying to myself) even for an evening.
How do you guys not let your loneliness get in the way of making good choices?
To answer your question I can't relate cause I'm not lonely.
Don't beat yourself up over this. He's a guy and it was only one date he can't be that emotionally invested. He's probably just pissed that you cancelled on him short notice and he can't find another date that quick. Men(generally speaking) don't get devastated after going out with a female once, it comes with the territory.0 -
After my separation and a bit after my divorce I said I'd never ever marry again. That has changed since. I wasn't in live with ex at all, I was completely over him and the marriage but the new freedom and adjusting to just you is something that takes time to process.
His response saying he should have never married her is typical of someone who hasn't healed or processed everything. Good for you for seeing that as a red flag. My ex husband says similar responses (he cheated) and he is now remarried. Again, typical of someone who didnt get it.
I had done a lot of work on myself before deciding to divorce him and even then, I put myself in therapy for help with the transition and talked to friends and family. I was too afraid to keep things in and end up bitter. I also reflected a lot on how I went wrong during those 11 years.
Anyway, good luck! Don't feel bad. Live and you learn!0
