Why did you poof?

2

Replies

  • Danielle_2013
    Danielle_2013 Posts: 811 Member
    Can we all just never agree to use the word "poof" again? It is terrible.

    And really.. what happened to common courtesy? If we can't be honest - "no, it's YOU, not ME"... can't we at least lie a little..even if it is to a stranger? It is awful to leave someone hanging, wondering and to not have closure.. particularly if you are a few dates in.

    So much kinder, and braver to suck it up and let someone know that you wish them the very best, they are awesome but you just don't see things going any further.

    So.. if you date me... pleeeeeeeeaase.. just be upfront and tell me you don't like me. I'm a grownup and cool with that.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
    It is awful to leave someone hanging, wondering and to not have closure.. particularly if you are a few dates in.

    I disagree. When a guy poofs he is not leaving me hanging. He is telling me very clearly that he is no longer interested. If I go to text a guy, and I see that I have 3 other texts sent that he has not responded to, then I know he is not interested. He doesn't have to tell me verbally. He told me loud and clear with his silence. If he were interested he would respond. If he were interested and his phone was broke, he'd find another way to get ahold of me. Guys take extraordinary measures when they are interested.

    I don't agree with poofing, but I *do* agree it is very clear communication.
  • Danielle_2013
    Danielle_2013 Posts: 811 Member
    ^^ Okay.. fine.. you are right. It's the whole "He's just not into you" concept. Which is accurate. Sadly. And I do give too many chances for people to redeem themselves. It's a problem. I admit it!
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
    And really.. what happened to common courtesy? If we can't be honest - "no, it's YOU, not ME"... can't we at least lie a little..even if it is to a stranger? It is awful to leave someone hanging, wondering and to not have closure.. particularly if you are a few dates in.

    So much kinder, and braver to suck it up and let someone know that you wish them the very best, they are awesome but you just don't see things going any further.

    I can kind of see where you're coming from, but it strikes me as a bit odd that so early on one would need "closure". I get that it's not nice but I don't think it's necessarily bad in and of itself to just... stop. I mean, does one really spend that much time wondering beyond, "Oh, he's not responding. Guess I'll lose that number". What does it matter? I just don't understand. I personally don't feel I owe anyone any type of emotional turmoil so early on in getting to know each other. Is that really so rude? Why do I have to consider their feelings before my own? It's not like any real harm can come from it.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
    ^^ Okay.. fine.. you are right. It's the whole "He's just not into you" concept. Which is accurate. Sadly. And I do give too many chances for people to redeem themselves. It's a problem. I admit it!

    Let me just add: I *DO* agree that it's rude to leave someone hanging w/o closure... but I just don't consider 2-3 dates or a couple weeks of texting to require "closure."

    You're not a "couple" and you (shouldn't have**) built up any significant emotional connection at that point. NOW... IF it were 3-4 months of seeing each other every weekend that would be different. Yeah, common courtesy would require at least an attempt at an explanation.

    ** = -my opinion only, as some people say I move too slow
  • Danielle_2013
    Danielle_2013 Posts: 811 Member
    2-3 dates and/or a couple weeks of texting would require some attempt at closure for me. Then again, I don't move slow. Oh well!
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
    2-3 dates and/or a couple weeks of texting would require some attempt at closure for me. Then again, I don't move slow. Oh well!

    This might make me a horrible person, but that type of attachment so early on has been a reason I poofed before. The feeling of "breaking up" with someone that I don't even know (and that didn't even know me!) was too weird for me to handle.

    It's great that you are able to open up and be so vulnerable with people, but not everyone has that gift. It's not right to expect that same kind of response. I genuinely wish I had the ability to be so open. The tradeoff is simply understanding that people poof and that is a kind of closure in and of itself.
  • Danielle_2013
    Danielle_2013 Posts: 811 Member
    I do understand what you ladies are saying.. but I like my men strong, confident and with the balls to be honest and upfront. Hell, if I can do it.. so should they. I absolutely expect the same response back...then again, I think I probably just want to date the male version of myself (yeah..we can get into MY issues on another thread).

    No communication, dropping off the face of the earth and even relying too much on text shows me quickly that you don't respect me and are not worth my time. Trust me.. the message does get received. But I still maintain that it is not too much to ask for some honesty, clarity and respect.

    In terms of whether or not 2-3 dates or a few weeks of texting does or does not yield a significant enough connection..well that is really up to the individual couple. I can guarantee I probably don't operate on anyone else's timeline..or ahere to their version of what "should" or "should not" happen. No.. chemistry, attraction and connection are intense and wonderful things that for me don't fit any specific rhyme, reason or rule. If I always held back and played by the so-called rules, well I wouldn't have any fun at all.. not to mention the long term relationships I've been in.
  • La_Amazona
    La_Amazona Posts: 4,857 Member
    I'm poofing as we speak (hawaiian) because apparently I don't have the balls to tell him Im not interested anymore. I guess it's hard because honestly, I don't know WHY I'm not interested. He seems to be a good guy (since we live a bit further, we talk on the phone a lot) and he seems to be genuinely interested in me.
    I've been ignoring his calls and most texts. I feel guilty because he has put in alot of effort (unlike my last bf) up to this point. I need to just tell him. :/

    Its driving me nuts because I feel I want something (relationship) yet I don't. I'm having fun.

    When I have a bf, it's lovely and when we break up I'm sad that I don't have him around anymore to just talk to or just lay there to watch tv. I get over it a week later (I stop missing him) and then the switch comes on. Suddenly I'm super happy to be single again meeting new people and just having a blast to where those little moments I missed a while back, aren't missable anymore.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
    2-3 dates and/or a couple weeks of texting would require some attempt at closure for me. Then again, I don't move slow. Oh well!

    This might make me a horrible person, but that type of attachment so early on has been a reason I poofed before.

    I would end it if someone were THAT attached to me after a couple weeks. Unless we've been together every single day, seen each other in a variety of situations, then they don't really *know* me well enough to be THAT attached to *me.* There was a guy I met in training for 3 weeks and we saw each others character tested. Him I believed when he liked me (too bad he was a cheater). But 2-3 dates? I would question their judgment.

    I actually think this is a big reason why more guys poof than women… because women are more likely to get uber-attached very quickly.
    chemistry, attraction and connection are intense and wonderful things that for me don't fit any specific rhyme, reason or rule. If I always held back and played by the so-called rules, well I wouldn't have any fun at all

    I wonder if this intense connection you feel is scaring off potential suitors the same way it would scare me off? Not saying you’re wrong – you just need to find someone else who is as emotionally connected as you are (which greatly thins your dating pool).
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
    I still maintain that it is not too much to ask for some honesty, clarity and respect.

    I guess that's the major difference. I don't think it's dishonest, unclear or disrespectful.

    Like you said, different strokes for different folks. Perception is a big deal.
  • Danielle_2013
    Danielle_2013 Posts: 811 Member
    I wonder if this intense connection you feel is scaring off potential suitors the same way it would scare me off? Not saying you’re wrong – you just need to find someone else who is as emotionally connected as you are (which greatly thins your dating pool).

    Intense connection? Attachment? As I haven't laid it all out there and you don't know me.. I can see what you might assume by what I have written. I am very warm, open and enjoy connecting.. but I don't actually invest emotionally for quite a long time. I'm sure my enthusiasm for getting to know people might scare off men who don't also operate similarly. But I'm not interested in them generally anyway.

    All I am saying is that if I've had 2-3 lengthy dates and/or engaged in the type and length of conversation I usually get to by this point (as I only really "date" people I am confident I may connect with) - I personally think it is rude to not acknowledge the end and/or closure of that. It is just good manners in my opinion.

    I'm not crushed if things end prior or at this time as I don't consider myself to be "uber-attached" at that point. But even simply as a personal exercise in bravery and doing the right thing - FOR ME - I think it is important to acknowledge and articulate the end of the situation.

    But this is just me. There seems to be a real shortage of truly open individuals (men and women), who aren't scared to jump in and see what happens. Everyone seems to be carrying around so much baggage and fear. Life is too short and I'm not going to be something I'm not- thin dating pool or not.
  • Tropical_Turtle
    Tropical_Turtle Posts: 2,236 Member
    I try to not poof - but if I do, it is early on when the attachment is minimal.

    I will say I had a guy poof on me after a year of being together. That was HORRID - I was heartbroken for what seemed like forever. It was hard because there was no closure on my end.
  • jenbit
    jenbit Posts: 4,289 Member
    I have only poofed on 1 guy. Honestly it wa less poofing and more not responding to his texts. He would go weekes without texting and then go text crazy. ANd he was very whinny and sexually preoccupied. And for me to say all he thought about was sex then you know Im not exagerrating..

    However my sister got poofed on dirty stlye.

    THis guy she had been back and forth with dating and who took her to a wedding (guys dont do this unless your serious about a girl- it confuses them). They had sex a couple of times and then he poofed. And I mean he snuck out of the house while she was sleeping and poofed. He stopped calling , stopped texting and everything. She texted him a couple of time to see if he wanted to hang and he was always busy ... Heres the problem he is the 2nd guy shes ever been with. Needless to say to her all of menkind sucks right now
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,509 Member
    I poof because it's harder to actually tell someone I'm not interested. It's much easier just to walk away
  • AmberJslimsAWAY
    AmberJslimsAWAY Posts: 2,509 Member
    2-3 dates and/or a couple weeks of texting would require some attempt at closure for me. Then again, I don't move slow. Oh well!

    This is me too. I don't do "slow"
  • toots99
    toots99 Posts: 3,794 Member

    That's rude, guys. Like get some balls and tell her the girl you don't see a future with her.

    I agree. What am I gonna do, cry? If for some insane reason I did, you wouldn't see it. So why not be honorable and just be honest?

    I had been poofed on twice, once when dating a guy for about 5 months (I mean, always seeing each other night after night), and then the very next guy poofed after seeing each other for four months. :noway:
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member

    That's rude, guys. Like get some balls and tell her the girl you don't see a future with her.

    I agree. What am I gonna do, cry? If for some insane reason I did, you wouldn't see it. So why not be honorable and just be honest?

    I had been poofed on twice, once when dating a guy for about 5 months (I mean, always seeing each other night after night), and then the very next guy poofed after seeing each other for four months. :noway:

    I think we all agree that for any substantial amount of time poofing is awful. The debate is more at the level of not having met yet to 1-3 dates.
  • toots99
    toots99 Posts: 3,794 Member

    That's rude, guys. Like get some balls and tell her the girl you don't see a future with her.

    I agree. What am I gonna do, cry? If for some insane reason I did, you wouldn't see it. So why not be honorable and just be honest?

    I had been poofed on twice, once when dating a guy for about 5 months (I mean, always seeing each other night after night), and then the very next guy poofed after seeing each other for four months. :noway:

    I think we all agree that for any substantial amount of time poofing is awful. The debate is more at the level of not having met yet to 1-3 dates.

    I agree. But I still think common courtesy should be used. :smile:
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member

    That's rude, guys. Like get some balls and tell her the girl you don't see a future with her.

    I agree. What am I gonna do, cry? If for some insane reason I did, you wouldn't see it. So why not be honorable and just be honest?

    I had been poofed on twice, once when dating a guy for about 5 months (I mean, always seeing each other night after night), and then the very next guy poofed after seeing each other for four months. :noway:

    I think we all agree that for any substantial amount of time poofing is awful. The debate is more at the level of not having met yet to 1-3 dates.

    I agree. But I still think common courtesy should be used. :smile:

    That's the thing, not everyone considers it common courtesy. Common courtesy is not farting in a crowded elevator. By doing such a thing you are inflicting yourself on another person and that's rude. Disappearing from the life of a stranger? That's like having to explain to the person that I run past every day that I'm going to be taking a different route from now on so they'll never see my again.