new day and a new dilemma
cinsuccess
Posts: 333 Member
I went on a second date with this really nice guy last night. We have a lot in common and I do enjoy talking to him.
Here's the situation: He just started a business in the last 12 months. I totally understand that it takes time to build a business but he has stated that his intention is to get the business to a point where he won't need to be there and he can simply be an administrator from home. He has stressed that he had a business before and worked way to hard and now he likes having his free time so he doesn't ever want to give that up which limits how successful the business will really get even though he keeps arguing otherwise. He seems to believe he can build his business up to a 7 figure business while working only 6 hours a day.
My concern: I'm a really successful corporate attorney. I don't expect the men I date to make as much as me but I do have concerns about them being able to pull their own weight in the relationship. I completely supported my ex-husband while he tried to build his business and it never happened... he got really comfortable with what I provided and simply stopped trying all that hard. I won't ever go through that again. I'm not materialistic but since the divorce I've been very happy to have the freedom to go on nice vacations and other stuff because I'm no longer carrying both sides.
I'm already pretty sure of what the answer is but I thought I'd give you a chance to weigh in. :flowerforyou:
Here's the situation: He just started a business in the last 12 months. I totally understand that it takes time to build a business but he has stated that his intention is to get the business to a point where he won't need to be there and he can simply be an administrator from home. He has stressed that he had a business before and worked way to hard and now he likes having his free time so he doesn't ever want to give that up which limits how successful the business will really get even though he keeps arguing otherwise. He seems to believe he can build his business up to a 7 figure business while working only 6 hours a day.
My concern: I'm a really successful corporate attorney. I don't expect the men I date to make as much as me but I do have concerns about them being able to pull their own weight in the relationship. I completely supported my ex-husband while he tried to build his business and it never happened... he got really comfortable with what I provided and simply stopped trying all that hard. I won't ever go through that again. I'm not materialistic but since the divorce I've been very happy to have the freedom to go on nice vacations and other stuff because I'm no longer carrying both sides.
I'm already pretty sure of what the answer is but I thought I'd give you a chance to weigh in. :flowerforyou:
0
Replies
-
I'm already pretty sure of what the answer is but I thought I'd give you a chance to weigh in. :flowerforyou:
Good attorneys don't ask questions if they don't know the answer ahead of time.0 -
I'm already pretty sure of what the answer is but I thought I'd give you a chance to weigh in. :flowerforyou:
Good attorneys don't ask questions if they don't know the answer ahead of time.
^^^THIS0 -
Maybe that's why there wasn't *really* an actual question in the OP.I'm already pretty sure of what the answer is but I thought I'd give you a chance to weigh in. :flowerforyou:
Good attorneys don't ask questions if they don't know the answer ahead of time.
I don't know anything about this guy other than a couple sentence you jotted down here, but this would be ringing my alarm bells that he's the kind of guy that is always looking for the next "get rich quick" scheme - something that's supposedly going to bring in lots of cash and require very little work from him. Everyone I know who has their own business works like a dog but they do it out of passion for their career and to be their own boss - not to have more leisure time.
I personally would ditch the guy because he obviously doesn't have the same work ethic as me.0 -
I've had a lot of people tell me I need to be more flexible on the money issue as I'm limiting myself too much and could miss out on a great guy. I just don't understand how my friends could think he's a great guy for me if I have to support 60-70% of our life.0
-
I would never consider someone who has a hint of being financially irresponsible. I don't care if that makes me inflexible - I watch too much Suze Orman to be too unaware of the need to protect my own financial future, because you can't rely on some new person to do it for you.
I really think this is not about the guy being early into a business that could succeed or fail - it's about his attitude toward work and money. They just don't sound realistic and responsible, from the little that you wrote here. I won't sign up for a relationship with someone who is giving off an air of future bankruptcy or laziness about working.0 -
Does he have a successful track record of business? If he has worked for years at one place and now he is leaving that is way different than trying for ten years to start businesses and failing.0
-
Yes, you said he had a business before - what happened to that one? Why isn't he managing that one now as the administrator with a 6 hour work day?Does he have a successful track record of business? If he has worked for years at one place and now he is leaving that is way different than trying for ten years to start businesses and failing.0 -
According to him, he built a very successful business before but he won't tell me what it was - only that it's a "top name" company. He also said that was miserable because he had to work long hours so he's approaching this business differently. He doesn't ever want to work the long hours again. He wants all the success without all the work which is a serious problem.
Thanks Mellie - the irresponsibility is a huge flag.0 -
Yes, you said he had a business before - what happened to that one? Why isn't he managing that one now as the administrator with a 6 hour work day?Does he have a successful track record of business? If he has worked for years at one place and now he is leaving that is way different than trying for ten years to start businesses and failing.
That business was a retail store which needed too much attention so he closed it down and has started this new business - dog walking and boarding which he perceives will require a lot less of a time commitment.0 -
I'd rather be in love than worry about money. Whilst I couldnt be with a bum, I dont consider income important. There was a stage in my life when I was rich and lonely. I just consider love more important.
OTOH I couldnt be with someone who just used me as a cash cow!! But I wouldnt be feeling the love with a person like that anyhow.
You gotta gauge your own wants and needs and take it from there. Do you want to travel alone, or do you want to pay for your lover to accompany you cos you can afford to and he can't? :flowerforyou:0 -
Geez, he's not asking you to support him already is he? Date him a bit and see if you like him outside of the business stuff. If he never gets his act together then never be serious with him. But things might actually pick up and he might actually know what he is doing. In the meantime what it gonna hurt? A few dates?0
-
I would never consider someone who has a hint of being financially irresponsible. I don't care if that makes me inflexible - I watch too much Suze Orman to be too unaware of the need to protect my own financial future, because you can't rely on some new person to do it for you.
I really think this is not about the guy being early into a business that could succeed or fail - it's about his attitude toward work and money. They just don't sound realistic and responsible, from the little that you wrote here. I won't sign up for a relationship with someone who is giving off an air of future bankruptcy or laziness about working.
Sorry Mellie, not sure how you're reading bankruptcy or laziness into this guy??
I've had serveral businesses in my life. Doesnt mean I was ever bankrupt or lazy. Some were a success, some were not!
If you mean you prefer a guy who has a stable job 9-5 job with a secure income, then yeah, you might be disappointed in an entrepreneur. Self employed people's salary can be sporadic and unpredictable. But people that have business ideas and try new concepts with the wish to earn lots and work less, aren't bone idle! More, highly practical, ambitious and sensible!! :flowerforyou:0 -
Geez, he's not asking you to support him already is he? Date him a bit and see if you like him outside of the business stuff. If he never gets his act together then never be serious with him. But things might actually pick up and he might actually know what he is doing. In the meantime what it gonna hurt? A few dates?
That was my intention until he pushed the issue. He's ready to be serious after 2 dates! I told him I'm still getting to know him and to figure things out. He wants me to commit to being exclusive with him and I told him I just couldn't do that at this point. He wants to resolve all of my concerns and issues so I can commit to being serious and I keep trying to tell him that it's not that simple.0 -
I'd say it was too early to be putting the relationship under such scrutiny. Just go out on some dates. get to know him better and see how it feels.
Money isn't everything and just because you earn more than him doesn't automatically mean he will want to sponge of you! You don't have to have a joint bank account to go on some dates!
Enjoy and have fun, go with the flow and see what happens.
edit as just read your post above this - if he is being pushy already and you don't feel it then possibly this is a no go?0 -
I would never consider someone who has a hint of being financially irresponsible. I don't care if that makes me inflexible - I watch too much Suze Orman to be too unaware of the need to protect my own financial future, because you can't rely on some new person to do it for you.
I really think this is not about the guy being early into a business that could succeed or fail - it's about his attitude toward work and money. They just don't sound realistic and responsible, from the little that you wrote here. I won't sign up for a relationship with someone who is giving off an air of future bankruptcy or laziness about working.
Sorry Mellie, not sure how you're reading bankruptcy or laziness into this guy??
I've had serveral businesses in my life. Doesnt mean I was ever bankrupt or lazy. Some were a success, some were not!
If you mean you prefer a guy who has a stable job 9-5 job with a secure income, then yeah, you might be disappointed in an entrepreneur. Self employed people's salary can be sporadic and unpredictable. But people that have business ideas and try new concepts with the wish to earn lots and work less, aren't bone idle! More, highly practical, ambitious and sensible!! :flowerforyou:
I have no issues with a business owner but he left a successful business because it got too hard. Those are his words not mine.0 -
I'd say it was too early to be putting the relationship under such scrutiny. Just go out on some dates. get to know him better and see how it feels.
Money isn't everything and just because you earn more than him doesn't automatically mean he will want to sponge of you! You don't have to have a joint bank account to go on some dates!
Enjoy and have fun, go with the flow and see what happens.
I totally agree but HE's pushing for a commitment after 2 dates. I don't bring up any of these things but if a guy is asking me to commit to being with him and not date anyone else, then I do have to look more closely.0 -
I'd say it was too early to be putting the relationship under such scrutiny. Just go out on some dates. get to know him better and see how it feels.
Money isn't everything and just because you earn more than him doesn't automatically mean he will want to sponge of you! You don't have to have a joint bank account to go on some dates!
Enjoy and have fun, go with the flow and see what happens.
I totally agree but HE's pushing for a commitment after 2 dates. I don't bring up any of these things but if a guy is asking me to commit to being with him and not date anyone else, then I do have to look more closely.
If you get a bad vibe, there is probably a reason for it. I'm going to post a separate thread on this, but I read some good advice today about bad mistakes and vibes.0 -
I would never consider someone who has a hint of being financially irresponsible. I don't care if that makes me inflexible - I watch too much Suze Orman to be too unaware of the need to protect my own financial future, because you can't rely on some new person to do it for you.
I really think this is not about the guy being early into a business that could succeed or fail - it's about his attitude toward work and money. They just don't sound realistic and responsible, from the little that you wrote here. I won't sign up for a relationship with someone who is giving off an air of future bankruptcy or laziness about working.
Sorry Mellie, not sure how you're reading bankruptcy or laziness into this guy??
I've had serveral businesses in my life. Doesnt mean I was ever bankrupt or lazy. Some were a success, some were not!
If you mean you prefer a guy who has a stable job 9-5 job with a secure income, then yeah, you might be disappointed in an entrepreneur. Self employed people's salary can be sporadic and unpredictable. But people that have business ideas and try new concepts with the wish to earn lots and work less, aren't bone idle! More, highly practical, ambitious and sensible!! :flowerforyou:
I have no issues with a business owner but he left a successful business because it got too hard. Those are his words not mine.
So did I, funnily enough. I was working 24/7 and I burnt out! I started again. Who in this world wants to work 24/7, no breaks, with an unimaginable amount of stress and little appreciation or rewards, no social life, no love?
I make him absolutely right.
Try something new :smokin:0 -
Geez, he's not asking you to support him already is he? Date him a bit and see if you like him outside of the business stuff. If he never gets his act together then never be serious with him. But things might actually pick up and he might actually know what he is doing. In the meantime what it gonna hurt? A few dates?
That was my intention until he pushed the issue. He's ready to be serious after 2 dates! I told him I'm still getting to know him and to figure things out. He wants me to commit to being exclusive with him and I told him I just couldn't do that at this point. He wants to resolve all of my concerns and issues so I can commit to being serious and I keep trying to tell him that it's not that simple.
I would definitely say that's the bigger issue at hand. Just tell him you're not ready for exclusivity and if he's not okay with that well... there's your answer.0 -
I'd say it was too early to be putting the relationship under such scrutiny. Just go out on some dates. get to know him better and see how it feels.
Money isn't everything and just because you earn more than him doesn't automatically mean he will want to sponge of you! You don't have to have a joint bank account to go on some dates!
Enjoy and have fun, go with the flow and see what happens.
I totally agree but HE's pushing for a commitment after 2 dates. I don't bring up any of these things but if a guy is asking me to commit to being with him and not date anyone else, then I do have to look more closely.
Totally the bigger issue. But do you like him?? Someone posted the other day if a relationship is doomed if you are on different levels, and I said no, cos I believe that most of the time couples move at different paces. If you're not ready, just say No? Up to him then if he sticks around until you are :flowerforyou:0 -
I'd say it was too early to be putting the relationship under such scrutiny. Just go out on some dates. get to know him better and see how it feels.
Money isn't everything and just because you earn more than him doesn't automatically mean he will want to sponge of you! You don't have to have a joint bank account to go on some dates!
Enjoy and have fun, go with the flow and see what happens.
I totally agree but HE's pushing for a commitment after 2 dates. I don't bring up any of these things but if a guy is asking me to commit to being with him and not date anyone else, then I do have to look more closely.
Personal experience here. If he is pushing you to commit to exclusiveness BF/GF status in 2 dates RUN. you know practicaly nothing about this guy(I'm assuming he was an online or blind datea).. Often when one person is pushing another into relationship status super fast something is fishy. My ex and I became BF/GF within a week of dating. @ weeks later he was living with me (I Know I know I was young and dumb) the man couldnt keep a job and I ended up supporting him for almost 5 yrs before I simply could not handle everything anymore. It really creeps me out that he is pushing you that fast0 -
I'm already pretty sure of what the answer is but I thought I'd give you a chance to weigh in. :flowerforyou:
Good attorneys don't ask questions if they don't know the answer ahead of time.
I heard that law school teaches attorneys to ask questions that they already know the answers to.0 -
I wasn't meaning to say that he IS giving off this vibe (bankruptcy or laziness) because there is just too little for us to go on here, but I was stating it more that if I got any inkling of that early on, I would bail. It's only two dates and there are other fish in the sea.I would never consider someone who has a hint of being financially irresponsible. I don't care if that makes me inflexible - I watch too much Suze Orman to be too unaware of the need to protect my own financial future, because you can't rely on some new person to do it for you.
I really think this is not about the guy being early into a business that could succeed or fail - it's about his attitude toward work and money. They just don't sound realistic and responsible, from the little that you wrote here. I won't sign up for a relationship with someone who is giving off an air of future bankruptcy or laziness about working.
Sorry Mellie, not sure how you're reading bankruptcy or laziness into this guy??
I've had serveral businesses in my life. Doesnt mean I was ever bankrupt or lazy. Some were a success, some were not!
If you mean you prefer a guy who has a stable job 9-5 job with a secure income, then yeah, you might be disappointed in an entrepreneur. Self employed people's salary can be sporadic and unpredictable. But people that have business ideas and try new concepts with the wish to earn lots and work less, aren't bone idle! More, highly practical, ambitious and sensible!! :flowerforyou:
On that note...
... if he wants to be so serious so fast and to resolve all of the OP's concerns, why won't he share with her the name of this "top name" company?That was my intention until he pushed the issue. He's ready to be serious after 2 dates! I told him I'm still getting to know him and to figure things out. He wants me to commit to being exclusive with him and I told him I just couldn't do that at this point. He wants to resolve all of my concerns and issues so I can commit to being serious and I keep trying to tell him that it's not that simple.0 -
I'd say it was too early to be putting the relationship under such scrutiny. Just go out on some dates. get to know him better and see how it feels.
Money isn't everything and just because you earn more than him doesn't automatically mean he will want to sponge of you! You don't have to have a joint bank account to go on some dates!
Enjoy and have fun, go with the flow and see what happens.
I totally agree but HE's pushing for a commitment after 2 dates. I don't bring up any of these things but if a guy is asking me to commit to being with him and not date anyone else, then I do have to look more closely.
So, have you Googled him yet?0 -
Red flag!! someone can conceivably run a 7 figure business once established, but I've rarely come across anyone who says they can build a business like this that is ever successful. They typically go from business to business and never find the "right one." Since I've done real estate on the side since 2007 I've met a LOT of people who went from nothing to 7 figures, but they ALL put in long hours and a LOT of work. The ones who thought they'd get rich quick spent a lot of money guying the "next great course" but it never "worked for" them.He seems to believe he can build his business up to a 7 figure business while working only 6 hours a day.Geez, he's not asking you to support him already is he? Date him a bit and see if you like him outside of the business stuff. If he never gets his act together then never be serious with him. But things might actually pick up and he might actually know what he is doing. In the meantime what it gonna hurt? A few dates?
That was my intention until he pushed the issue. He's ready to be serious after 2 dates! I told him I'm still getting to know him and to figure things out. He wants me to commit to being exclusive with him and I told him I just couldn't do that at this point. He wants to resolve all of my concerns and issues so I can commit to being serious and I keep trying to tell him that it's not that simple.
Yikes. I would be very uncomfortable with this!0 -
I think you have to find a guy that is capable of supporting the lifestyle that you desire. I think a person who makes $50,000 a year is a decent salary if all he has is rent, car payment, and a few bills. My opinion of course.0
-
It's too early to tell. I see potential red flags, but there is way more to this.
If he's a minimal type of guy that doesn’t expect you to support him, it shouldn’t be an issue so long as he’s self-sufficient. You say you can’t see yourself in for 60-70%...well, 60% is barely more than half, so you pretty much just admitted indirectly that you need someone that makes very close to what you make so they can pay for their “half”.
As for being exclusive, that isn’t terribly unreasonable, but I guess I’d need to know more. A girl I dated recently, we both wanted to be exclusive a little early on, although we didn’t want to rush into anything, we didn’t want to juggle dating other people and wanted to give “us” a genuine try. This is always different from pairing to pairing. He could come off creepy/clingy, or maybe he just sincerely likes you and wants to focus his attention on you. One side is bad, the other is something I would welcome from a potential partner….listen to your gut. If you are getting a bad vide, your instincts are probably right! Don’t let romantic notions blind your intuition.0
