Living situations
MissingMinnesota
Posts: 7,486 Member
Last night my friends and I were talking about guys and girls being roommates.
My friend has a guy roommate and he had brought a girl over and once she found out he had a girl roommate the girl flipped out on him. The only way she found out was she was loooking at pictures on the wall and asked which guy was his roommate. How do you feel about someone you are dating having a roommate of the opposite sex?
The three of us were fine with a guy having a girl roommate as long as they told us about it. If they try to hide it for some reason it sets off red flags.
My friend has a guy roommate and he had brought a girl over and once she found out he had a girl roommate the girl flipped out on him. The only way she found out was she was loooking at pictures on the wall and asked which guy was his roommate. How do you feel about someone you are dating having a roommate of the opposite sex?
The three of us were fine with a guy having a girl roommate as long as they told us about it. If they try to hide it for some reason it sets off red flags.
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I dated a guy with a female roommate. It didn't bother me at all. The apartment was nicely decorated!
Like you said, it's cool if they tell you about it. But if it seems like they're hiding something, then there would be red flags.0 -
Seems silly that she flipped out, personally. He obviously wasn't trying to hide anything or he wouldn't have brought her home. And it appears that in his mind it is no big deal.
I think the issue is moot for me, though. I think I would find it a bit weird if anyone I wanted to date had a roommate of either gender.0 -
It depends on the situation - a year ago I was laid off for 13 months and a friend who lived in a 3 bedroom house on his own (bachelor) let me move in until I could get back on my feet. He met a girl and a month later I was booted out without explanation. I come to find out she had a fit when she found out I was living there and he chose her - only to have her dump him a month later. I moved back in with my parents a state away for 3 months until I found a job back in the same city as said friend.
I don't understand why people would even care - if you can't trust the person you are dating then why are you even dating them? My friend and I were very close (best friends without an attraction, either way), and he was doing me a huge favor. When I found out that he took her side over mine it really wrecked the friendship...0 -
Well for the not trusting people this is usually for early in the relationship not one that has been long term. You can't say you trust every guy you meet right away. So on the first couple dates they go out of their way to not mention they have a female roomate in normal conversation it is a red flag to me.
One of my friends is talking to a guy from POF and he has a odd roommate situation where he lives with a girl but says he will never bring a girl into the house and hasn't in the 5 years they have lived together. My friend asked him if even if he was in a steady relationship would he not bring his GF his place and he said no he wouldn't bring them to his place. This made us think he was living at home with a family member, which again in this day and age is no problem if you admit it.0 -
The gender of someone's flat/housemates wouldn't bother me at all, unless a) he/she went out of their way to hide that they shared with a member of the opposite gender (which would make me wonder why) or b) it became obvious upon meeting the flatmate that he/she was dying to drag my partner into bed/a liplock at the first possible opportunity/vulnerable moment or sign of weakness!
Despite what people often say, I firmly believe that men and women can have purely platonic friendships, even at close quarters. I've shared flats with several males, including some I can objectively see were/are very attractive men, but never had the slightest inclination to do anything sexual with them in any way, shape or form. Nor did any of them ever make a move on me.0 -
It is a source of potential drama as we've already seen.
I know that I would not be enamored of that situation.
I think Kristen's point makes a lot of sense.0 -
I had a male roommate for a few years in my 20s. I also had a long term BF at the time and it was never a problem.My friend asked him if even if he was in a steady relationship would he not bring his GF his place and he said no he wouldn't bring them to his place. This made us think he was living at home with a family member, which again in this day and age is no problem if you admit it.
Or a wife! :noway: If everyone is up front about what's going on and trusting then it's fine. It's when things are hidden that there could be serious problems.0 -
I had a male roommate for a few years in my 20s. I also had a long term BF at the time and it was never a problem.
There's a slight difference there, at least how I interpret those words. When the male roommate arrangement started, you and the bf were already an established couple. In theory, the trust should be there, but we know that theories don't always play out well in real life.
There's a lot that goes into it. I just perceive the potential for drama to be there, and I try to do as much as I can to avoid drama. Certain drama is unavoidable though.
Despite my limited to no drama stance in real life, I actually do like dramas on the big and small screens. Safer distance.0 -
I had a male roommate for a few years in my 20s. I also had a long term BF at the time and it was never a problem.My friend asked him if even if he was in a steady relationship would he not bring his GF his place and he said no he wouldn't bring them to his place. This made us think he was living at home with a family member, which again in this day and age is no problem if you admit it.
Or a wife! :noway: If everyone is up front about what's going on and trusting then it's fine. It's when things are hidden that there could be serious problems.
My first thought was a wife as well.....the guy could make the girl think he is on up and up by admitting he lives with a female, but in fact the female he lives with...he is also married to. Hate to think on pessimist side, but also realistic?0 -
I had a male roommate for a few years in my 20s. I also had a long term BF at the time and it was never a problem.My friend asked him if even if he was in a steady relationship would he not bring his GF his place and he said no he wouldn't bring them to his place. This made us think he was living at home with a family member, which again in this day and age is no problem if you admit it.
Or a wife! :noway: If everyone is up front about what's going on and trusting then it's fine. It's when things are hidden that there could be serious problems.
My first thought was a wife as well.....the guy could make the girl think he is on up and up by admitting he lives with a female, but in fact the female he lives with...he is also married to. Hate to think on pessimist side, but also realistic?
Yeah she isn't pursuing anything with this guy as it took a couple converstations for him to even admit his roommate was a girl. What set up the initial red flag on that one was he kept saying "my roommate" not using him or her.0 -
I agree drama, in general, is very avoidable. I think it depends on if you let it get the best of you. I too avoid it like the plague. I'm not fond of things that get in the way of my routine. Some people tend to thrive on it. It makes me stressed and irritable.
That being said, life "issues" tend to rear their ugly heads. I didn't see my lay off happening - I had been gainfully employed that company for 4 years and one day I was let go because their business plan was going another way and my skill set wasn't needed. At the time, my friend and I both were "very single", not even dating so sharing the house while I looked for work didn't seem to be that big of a deal. I can kind of see a person being concerned of the situation but if it was me, I would have choosen the friend over the new "love interest".0 -
My first thought was a wife as well.....the guy could make the girl think he is on up and up by admitting he lives with a female, but in fact the female he lives with...he is also married to. Hate to think on pessimist side, but also realistic?
In older age cohorts, this could be a thought. There are a lot of zombie marriages out there right now. These marriages are effectively corpses, but since the real estate market is so bad, selling a house isn't always feasible. Since the house is theoretically the biggest asset, there are couples who are still living together because they can't afford to separate.
This arrangement would make it real difficult to date.
This is a tangent off the original thought, but something to be aware of.
Housing. :grumble:0 -
I had a male roommate for a few years in my 20s. I also had a long term BF at the time and it was never a problem.
There's a slight difference there, at least how I interpret those words. When the male roommate arrangement started, you and the bf were already an established couple. In theory, the trust should be there, but we know that theories don't always play out well in real life.
There's a lot that goes into it. I just perceive the potential for drama to be there, and I try to do as much as I can to avoid drama. Certain drama is unavoidable though.
Despite my limited to no drama stance in real life, I actually do like dramas on the big and small screens. Safer distance.
I see the drama potential here, but if someone were going to throw a fit about a roommate-I think the drama could be created out of anything. Some of us are more prone to it than others- I sometimes think actual circumstances don't have a lot to do with it. Roommate or not- probably same outcome.
I had a male roommate in my 20's. My future ex husband was working in Europe, and all was good. It was actually pretty awesome.
I have a hard time seeing where someone in a newish relationship feels like it's their place to criticize/create drama/ give ultimatums about someone's living situation. If something like this made me upset enough to question the relationship, I hope I'd realize that it's either my insecurity and deal with it, or if it were an actual issue- I'd walk away vs. trying to control something that really wasn't mine to control.0 -
I currently have a male roommate, and for the past few years only once have I been in a living situation where there wasn't a male living under the same roof. The relationship status ranged from single to divorced to married to LTR. It has never bothered me if someone I'm dating has a roommate of any gender, it's not even on my radar. Hell, before this group I didn't even realize it was a big deal. If I was dating someone and he threw a b*tch fit because my roommate is male, that would tell me that he's insecure and drama ridden and I'd drop him like a bad habit.0
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I'm currently living with a guy and he has a girlfriend. It's no big deal; they were dating before we moved in & we've all been friends for years. Plus, we're all in our last semester of the MBA program so we work together a lot and his girlfriend is over all the time. She knows there's no attraction between us and he's like a spoiled baby brother to me.0
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I've lived with females in 4 different situations. One was a girlfriend, so that doesn't count but the others all worked out pretty well, none of my dates ever seemed to have a problem with it. Living with females is great when you're single because it's a good way to meet other girls, assuming she has friends.0
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So on the first couple dates they go out of their way to not mention they have a female roomate in normal conversation it is a red flag to me.
I probably wouldn't mention something like this on the first couple dates and wouldn't blame a guy for not mentioning it. If we've been on 5-6 dates or something then, yeah, I would wonder why he hadn't said anything. But the first couple dates I look at it as just fact-finding "are you and I compatible enough to pursue a relationship." I wouldn't drop such a bomb that early on.
That said...
Military folks have opposite gender roommates all the time so, while I (personally) wouldn't do it, it wouldn't bother me as long as he was upfront about it.0 -
So on the first couple dates they go out of their way to not mention they have a female roomate in normal conversation it is a red flag to me.
I probably wouldn't mention something like this on the first couple dates and wouldn't blame a guy for not mentioning it. If we've been on 5-6 dates or something then, yeah, I would wonder why he hadn't said anything. But the first couple dates I look at it as just fact-finding "are you and I compatible enough to pursue a relationship." I wouldn't drop such a bomb that early on.
That said...
Military folks have opposite gender roommates all the time so, while I (personally) wouldn't do it, it wouldn't bother me as long as he was upfront about it.
I think it depends too though - I wouldn't mention it unless I was reminded of a funny thing my roommate and I did, I wouldn't feel the need to bring it up because I don't consider it a "dealbreaker".
That being said, I wouldn't hide it. If I was dating someone and they intentionally hid information that would make me distrust them whether I considered the info they hid important or not. It's deception that I have a problem with, not what gender they live with.0 -
So on the first couple dates they go out of their way to not mention they have a female roomate in normal conversation it is a red flag to me.
I probably wouldn't mention something like this on the first couple dates and wouldn't blame a guy for not mentioning it. If we've been on 5-6 dates or something then, yeah, I would wonder why he hadn't said anything. But the first couple dates I look at it as just fact-finding "are you and I compatible enough to pursue a relationship." I wouldn't drop such a bomb that early on.
That said...
Military folks have opposite gender roommates all the time so, while I (personally) wouldn't do it, it wouldn't bother me as long as he was upfront about it.
I think it depends too though - I wouldn't mention it unless I was reminded of a funny thing my roommate and I did, I wouldn't feel the need to bring it up because I don't consider it a "dealbreaker".
That being said, I wouldn't hide it. If I was dating someone and they intentionally hid information that would make me distrust them whether I considered the info they hid important or not. It's deception that I have a problem with, not what gender they live with.
Talking about where you live and if you own or rent usually comes up in the first couples dates, at least for me. This sometimes leads to talk of roommates.0 -
Talking about where you live and if you own or rent usually comes up in the first couples dates, at least for me. This sometimes leads to talk of roommates.
I might ask where someone lives, but I actually try to stay away from anything that will lead to discussions of status/money (rent vs buy, whether you live in a nice apt or a ghetto one). I don't even really like to talk about jobs. But that's also because 9 times out of 10 it backfired on me once the guy found out MY details.
For the first couple of dates I try to stick to hobbies, family, travel. The guy might bring up what he does and where he lives, and I'll ask questions and be interested, but I shy away from asking those kinds of questions b/c I don't want him to ask me.0 -
Talking about where you live and if you own or rent usually comes up in the first couples dates, at least for me. This sometimes leads to talk of roommates.
This is relevant to me in the sense that I like to know the general area where someone lives and how far it is from where I live. Since I live in a big metropolitan area that covers a lot of land and can have significant traffic problems, I like to have someone live within 10 miles of where I live. Beyond that distance in this area, I find that it is hard to schedule with someone when you know that seeing them isn't going to be easy.
Rent vs. own is another consideration. I prefer to date renters. Why? Because if you have a long term focus, a renter is not tied down to something. An owner is. If I'm dating a homeowner for the duration, her home would become our home if things went well long term. It could easily be a case where I would have no say in the development of a household. As I have stated before, I like the idea of finding a partner first, then building a domesticity around them rather than having elements of a domesticity first and slotting a partner into that paradigm.0 -
I like the idea of finding a partner first, then building a domesticity around them rather than having elements of a domesticity first and slotting a partner into that paradigm.
I suppose if I were in your age bracket I would feel that way too. Let me re-phrase that... I do feel that way... but where I'm at it's kinda odd for a grown man in my age bracket to not have his own place. If he were only here temporarily (like military) or perhaps recovering from a divorce or maybe even a temporary condition brought on by tough economic times I could understand. I suppose I could also understand living in an apartment while amassing wealth or if his job caused him to travel as much as mine.
My friends who are older and about to marry are both going to rent or sell their houses and are looking for a new one together. Starting that life together- not him moving into her house or she moving into his- seems to be the best way to approach it.0 -
Talking about where you live and if you own or rent usually comes up in the first couples dates, at least for me. This sometimes leads to talk of roommates.
This is relevant to me in the sense that I like to know the general area where someone lives and how far it is from where I live. Since I live in a big metropolitan area that covers a lot of land and can have significant traffic problems, I like to have someone live within 10 miles of where I live. Beyond that distance in this area, I find that it is hard to schedule with someone when you know that seeing them isn't going to be easy.
Rent vs. own is another consideration. I prefer to date renters. Why? Because if you have a long term focus, a renter is not tied down to something. An owner is. If I'm dating a homeowner for the duration, her home would become our home if things went well long term. It could easily be a case where I would have no say in the development of a household. As I have stated before, I like the idea of finding a partner first, then building a domesticity around them rather than having elements of a domesticity first and slotting a partner into that paradigm.
Not all the time would a long term relationship move into the house that someone owns. I know in my case I would sell or rent it out in a heart beat as I hate where I live. I know this isn't the case with a lot of people that own their house but it also shouldn't be something that stops you.0 -
I like the idea of finding a partner first, then building a domesticity around them rather than having elements of a domesticity first and slotting a partner into that paradigm.
I suppose if I were in your age bracket I would feel that way too. Let me re-phrase that... I do feel that way... but where I'm at it's kinda odd for a grown man in my age bracket to not have his own place.
My friends who are older and about to marry are both going to rent or sell their houses and are looking for a new one together. Starting that life together- not him moving into her house or she moving into his- seems to be the best way to approach it.
Thank you for seeing things from my perspective. Having your own house is a big deal. It takes a lot of work. I know I am not ready for that responsibility right now.
I would agree that starting a life together in a new place is the best approach. However, given the current housing market, that may not be feasible and I think it has the potential to be a big source of a stress for a relationship. Many relationships that have cratered have gone that way at least partially because of real estate issues.Not all the time would a long term relationship move into the house that someone owns. I know in my case I would sell or rent it out in a heart beat as I hate where I live. I know this isn't the case with a lot of people that own their house but it also shouldn't be something that stops you.
It can be a source of stress. I like the idea of unencumbered lifestyle of renters. You go year to year. The downside to that is the potential rent increases when the lease comes up. But leasing does make it easier to handle relationship changes as an unmarried person.0 -
I actually like the idea of dating someone who owns their own home. It provides information about how a person chooses to spend their money. Is it an old house that needs a lot of maintenance? Did they want a big yard? Did they go for a more expensive place with all the bells and whistles? Did they go for a condo with little upkeep, etc? You can kind of get that feeling from rental properties but there isn't as diverse a selection of apartments (or price ranges) in this area as there are in the single-family housing stock.
As far as trying to sell the places to get something together, it may be a bit more difficult especially if one or both parties are under water or has a house that may not be as marketable but there are differences in lease timing as well.0 -
I (stupidly) bought a house when I was stationed in OKC. I was unable to sell it before my PCS to Mississippi (but we were able to sell my ex's, go figure). Right now I'm renting it out. I will probably keep renting it out for another few years until I can afford to pay mortgage + rent without being super duper broke, then I will try to sell it. Until then, I foresee myself either renting a house with roommates or living in a small apartment by myself.
It is a constant source of stress, though. It has some foundation problems, and I'm waiting for the call from my property manager to tell me I have to shell out $5k to fix it. Because I don't have $5k... :sad:
Oh if only I'd not been retarded with my money for the last four to five years.
The good news is for my future husband, if I ever have one again, is I refuse to get married and/or share finances until I have my debts paid and my finances in order. Blegh. :sick:0 -
Last night my friends and I were talking about guys and girls being roommates.
My friend has a guy roommate and he had brought a girl over and once she found out he had a girl roommate the girl flipped out on him. The only way she found out was she was loooking at pictures on the wall and asked which guy was his roommate. How do you feel about someone you are dating having a roommate of the opposite sex?
The three of us were fine with a guy having a girl roommate as long as they told us about it. If they try to hide it for some reason it sets off red flags.
I shared a flat with 2 guys for 2 years. Was a fab time. I have a male lodger now and his wife lives 3 hours away. I dont see any problem with it whatsoever! It's the insecurity of the girl that flipped that has caused the drama. why? I mean, why flip?
I dont see why he should have to specify the gender of his flat mates or even talk about it. He's obviously not making an issue of it, she is!!
I dont even understand why there is a potential red flag??
People that share a flat together are sharing a flat together. Simple as that. He probably didn't bring it up cos women get so paranoid that there is another woman sharing the same space as her man!! Again, why? If the guy is out dating you and looking to form a relationship with you, then there needs to be a bond of trust and acceptance of lifestyles, surely?
Granted, if she was/is his wife/ex, then that's a bit more awkward :flowerforyou:
ETA: And the main reason I'm so annoyed by this attitude is that I've had a best male friend for 25 years that I have never wanted to have sex with, but every time he meets a new woman I have to put up with her paranoia that I might! Some women really, really dont fancy your bloke!! :laugh:0 -
It could easily be a case where I would have no say in the development of a household.
Or you could see it as a great place with a special woman that you can share your life with, paying a lot less in rent?
When I was with my LTex we both owned a property (we were both 30yrs). After a while, he moved in with me and we rented his place out. It worked great ! Both financially and practically.
I dont think you should view these things as negatives, try and have an open mind DM, you could be turning down the love of your life cos she owns a condo! :flowerforyou:0 -
This topic got derailed pretty quickly. Looking for opinions and advice on living with a friend of the opposite sex....
Im looking to move fairly soon and my good friend and I have tossed around the idea of getting a place since she's moving back here soon. Any feelings aside, she's easily a 9 / 10 in terms of looks. I'm curious what the 'rules' are in a living situation like that... I really don't think either of us would be kosher with the other bringing someone home ... Is it fair to say, hey no ****ing while I'm home? A lot of the apartments I'm looking at have the rooms right next to each other... really no privacy in that regard. Anyways, I'm also worried that any girl that meets her is going to flip because my room mate is quite frankly probably better looking. And since I'm not a bad looking guy, Is assume there would be plenty of guys that'd turn their nose up at her... Maybe I'm over thinking this, but besides dating dynamics, I think the living arrangement would be great both for the friendship and financial reasons.0 -
It depends on the situation. I know some people who met through craigslist or through friend who were in need of a roommate. I also know a situation where they use to date but are now friends. I dont like that situation, especially when one of them are still in love with the other person. I wouldn't date anyone in that situation.
J0
