Self Destruct Mode - there really isn't a wikipedia definitiion so let me describe.

It's a mindset that you get in whether it be emotional (sad, depressed, angry, fearful etc) or the kind of thoughts you have (thoughts of: spitefulness, wishing you would, or could or should have done XYZ, self hate)

Here's my example, yesterday, I was with a group of girlfriends saturday night, they stayed, we went to breakfast, boring as that is I had a ball, about 2 hours after everyone left, my bottom dropped out, it caught me off guard, it was unintentional, and I'm gonna venture to say unprovoked, emotionally, it went from fun and everybody around me to I'm alone, I'm abosolutely alone, then to why doesn't any man want me, I'm not that despicable, I'm pretty, I'm funny I'm goofy, but I'm still alone, I'm dealing with some new feelings like sexual tension, and the fact that I'd like to just have someone hold me. I called up an old guy friend and asked him for 10 minutes... to just sit on the couch together and snuggle, that's it then I'd would leave. He didn't make it couldn't get off work that quick.
That's where the destructive thoughts populated....**** eating, it just makes me fat and undesireable, I'm doing my best to get my **** together, which I feel, having my own house, all my bills are paid, etc, but it isn't good enough, to be responsible....that's not a desireable trait, oh how my life would be so much easier if I could just be a size 10....how much more destructive can you get? I won't go into detail cause I dont want the scrutiny, but literally I "destruct myself"

So as I drove to go get my kids, I had the music up as loud as I could get it to drown out the negative **** in my head I had an hour and a half drive. I muddled through that having a decent conversation but my kids knowing "mommy didn't feel good"

(Keep in mind all of this happened in a 5 hour time span, from the hour it hit, to the time I went to bed.)

So this morning I functioned, put on a smile and I functioned. But I'm still in my funk. Don't wanna eat, don't wanna think positive, just focused negative and what I don't have. I need a better way to kick it.

What do you do? I know that's long, but hopefully that helps describe what I was asking.

So .. my therapist says you have to train your mind. When you very first start going to that place change your thoughts. Replace your bad thoughts with good ones. don't obsess over these thoughts. Focus on something physical .. exercise, clean out a closet, mop the floor, but .. allow yourself to feel the feeling. It is just a feeling .. it isn't going to hurt you unless you let it. Write down what you are thinking is bad about you and write something positive in an answer to that. YOU have to stop yourself. Just because it is in your mind, doesn't mean that you have to feel it. You can't let it consume you.

Yes, mine says this too.... I tried I really did. I sat there saying and writing all the things I have, that I'm thankful, that i'm greatful for, that I have....trying to boost myself up. I got around cleaned up the yard, cleaned up our mess, reminded myself of how lucky I am for etc etc etc....

One thing you may want to reflect on are some of the things you have posted here.

I think the first I remember was saying that you were so used to a routine of talking with your ex at a specific time that now it has stopped you felt lost and alone.
Later if I recall correctly when a guy got too close to you it was upsetting and you had to push him away.

Taking a guess but what it sounds like to me is that your identity was your marriage/relationship and rather then think in terms of you as a person it became you as a wife/SO.
Finding yourself will mean losing that part of things and suspect your feeling of emptiness is based on you not yet accepting the fact your identity is not what you have in the past believed it to be but is as an individual person.

Hope no matter what the reasons may be that you can sort it all out and go on with life.:flowerforyou:

You have hit the nail square on the head Carl, I've said this,(maybe not on here) many times that I don't know how to be single/me/one person. All I know is to take care of someone else, to know that someone else is there whether I love them, hate them or am indifferent to them, or even want them there. It has never been about me, what I like, what I want. The truly sad thing is that I isolated myself (I want to play the victim and say it's not my fault, I truly dont' know if it is or not) and I created this Monster called "Empty" I'm always left empty.

Part of my conversation with myself (yes I know sounds bad :ohwell: ) I am really truly alone, my first thought was kind of an excited one, for the first time in my life, I'm really alone...like almost excited to feel what truly alone is, then the thought immediately after that was not a pretty one...it was more like a scared I'm ALONE, and I have no one.

It's hard for me to focus on me, because as in the past I've always tended to someone else, I was never important enough to fool with. I've always seen that as ok, I've always wondered why GOD put me as a marytr in this life to suffer at the wants and needs of others.....I have found that's a crock of bull, and at least I accept that as an answer.

The hardest part is going to be just what you said, finding me.... putting aside all wants to have that companionship that was my identity. I was spoiled early in life to have a human there. And now that I don't it's all I want back. It was my comfort, it was my "I don't have to face XYZ alone"...Ugh.

Have I mentioned I dont like the word "alone" yet. :grumble:

I can report that after talking to a few people who know me and ask me whats up (obviously my face is a moving sign) I'm feeling a little better, I've turned the sad into motivation to keep going.

But ugh... the white and pink and purple polka dotted elephant in the room still reminds me that even though he's in the room with me, I'm still alone, and empty.