Self Destruct Mode

Options
Do you do it?
Does it happen unintentionally (when you least expect it) or do you do it on purpose?
What do you do when you are in it?
How do you get out of it?


Just seeing how others cope.
«1

Replies

  • zachatta
    zachatta Posts: 1,340 Member
    Options
    Define;

    In what context?
  • shammxo
    shammxo Posts: 1,432 Member
    Options
    Depending on what you're talking about.... I might be in this mode right now.

    Soooo, I'd like to see what you mean as well.
  • Jennifer2387
    Jennifer2387 Posts: 957 Member
    Options
    Define;

    In what context?

    this
  • lacroyx
    lacroyx Posts: 5,754 Member
    Options
    Define;

    In what context?

    this

    x2
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    Options
    Self Destruct Mode - there really isn't a wikipedia definitiion so let me describe.

    It's a mindset that you get in whether it be emotional (sad, depressed, angry, fearful etc) or the kind of thoughts you have (thoughts of: spitefulness, wishing you would, or could or should have done XYZ, self hate)

    Here's my example, yesterday, I was with a group of girlfriends saturday night, they stayed, we went to breakfast, boring as that is I had a ball, about 2 hours after everyone left, my bottom dropped out, it caught me off guard, it was unintentional, and I'm gonna venture to say unprovoked, emotionally, it went from fun and everybody around me to I'm alone, I'm abosolutely alone, then to why doesn't any man want me, I'm not that despicable, I'm pretty, I'm funny I'm goofy, but I'm still alone, I'm dealing with some new feelings like sexual tension, and the fact that I'd like to just have someone hold me. I called up an old guy friend and asked him for 10 minutes... to just sit on the couch together and snuggle, that's it then I'd would leave. He didn't make it couldn't get off work that quick.
    That's where the destructive thoughts populated....**** eating, it just makes me fat and undesireable, I'm doing my best to get my **** together, which I feel, having my own house, all my bills are paid, etc, but it isn't good enough, to be responsible....that's not a desireable trait, oh how my life would be so much easier if I could just be a size 10....how much more destructive can you get? I won't go into detail cause I dont want the scrutiny, but literally I "destruct myself"

    So as I drove to go get my kids, I had the music up as loud as I could get it to drown out the negative **** in my head I had an hour and a half drive. I muddled through that having a decent conversation but my kids knowing "mommy didn't feel good"

    (Keep in mind all of this happened in a 5 hour time span, from the hour it hit, to the time I went to bed.)

    So this morning I functioned, put on a smile and I functioned. But I'm still in my funk. Don't wanna eat, don't wanna think positive, just focused negative and what I don't have. I need a better way to kick it.

    What do you do? I know that's long, but hopefully that helps describe what I was asking.
  • Daisy_Cutter_
    Daisy_Cutter_ Posts: 386 Member
    Options
    Ahhh, sweetie....yes, I think we all go through those stages. However, the thing that catches me about your situation is how fast it hit. Please don't be offended....just an observation... it almost sounds like bi-polar cycling. I have a sister that is rapid-cycling and it sounds similar to what she does. I would log your highs and lows and if you see a lot of cycling I would see a doctor.
  • Jennifer2387
    Jennifer2387 Posts: 957 Member
    Options
    Ah. I get it now. I get like that quite a bit actually. But I am the opposite where food is concerned. That is when I eat. Which is why i gained this weight after my divorce ..

    So .. my therapist says you have to train your mind. When you very first start going to that place change your thoughts. Replace your bad thoughts with good ones. don't obsess over these thoughts. Focus on something physical .. exercise, clean out a closet, mop the floor, but .. allow yourself to feel the feeling. It is just a feeling .. it isn't going to hurt you unless you let it. Write down what you are thinking is bad about you and write something positive in an answer to that. YOU have to stop yourself. Just because it is in your mind, doesn't mean that you have to feel it. You can't let it consume you.

    I like to get my bible out and look in the front where it says .. if you are feeling this way .. sad, depressed, angry, jealous etc .. read this verse. Just the act of looking up the verses and finding where they are and reading them tends to move my mind away from feeling so bad.
  • disneywm76
    disneywm76 Posts: 573 Member
    Options
    Ahhh, sweetie....yes, I think we all go through those stages. However, the thing that catches me about your situation is how fast it hit. Please don't be offended....just an observation... it almost sounds like bi-polar cycling. I have a sister that is rapid-cycling and it sounds similar to what she does. I would log your highs and lows and if you see a lot of cycling I would see a doctor.

    My ex husband was diagnosed as bipolar, so I agree that this could be a possibility. But I think that it's more of a sense of abandonement honestly. I could be way off base, but I'd take a look at that as well.

    I tend to have the problem occassionally too, but I try to focus on all the good things I DO have. I know that sounds silly. But I think about the fact that I have a house, a car, clothes I like, I can go on vacations, I'm not buried in debt, I have amazing family and friends.....it's hard but it does help. Just try to think positive rather than negative is all I can tell ya. :flowerforyou: It'll get better, it just takes time.
  • RosscoBoscko
    RosscoBoscko Posts: 632 Member
    Options
    Due to having been diagnosed as having severe depression and severe anxiety this year I spend a lot of time in this kind of state. Especially as broke up with my ex at the end of last year and has been difficult to come to terms with.

    I dont have an easy answer as to how to deal with it as I struggle with mine a lot of the time, but focusing my mind on training and losing weight does seem to help.

    Have also realised in the last few days that a lot of my issues may come from the fact that I am dyspraxic which after researching has a number of symptoms to do with depression and self esteem. So I am trying to look into managing this better. All I can say is maybe find a friend you trust to talk to and try not to let your negative feelings control you (but believe me I know how hard that is).

    Like I say focusing on something like the research and training helps me some of the time, maybe do something similar ie find something to focus on
  • julesboots
    julesboots Posts: 311 Member
    Options
    There are so many ways to look at this type of thing. Depression, anxiety, more serious mental health issues, fears rooted in past experiences (abandonment), poor boundary definitions, issues around control or lack of, soo many possibilities. Regardless, it feels bad, and kind of desperate (for something that isn't even usually clear). I'm just really sorry, and hope things begin to normalize with the routine of the work week and your kids' schedules.
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
    Options
    Yes, I think we all have those highs and lows you mention. However, like other posters have said, and after reading several of your posts, I also wonder if there is either more beneath the surface that we can't know? Or perhaps writing on Single Peeps is a good outlet for you to let your most dramatic side out? Either way, I wish you the best and to feel better soon! :flowerforyou:
  • grum84
    grum84 Posts: 428 Member
    Options
    about 2 hours after everyone left, my bottom dropped out, it caught me off guard, it was unintentional, and I'm gonna venture to say unprovoked, emotionally, it went from fun and everybody around me to I'm alone, I'm abosolutely alone

    I can definitely relate to this unfortunately. When it comes to breakups, I feel so horrible about myself that I have gone entire weekends without eating a bite a food and just stuck in this box feeling so alone. Currently still in one after my last breakup where my girlfriend decided to go back and try to work it out with her ex-husband. B/c I of course turned all the emotions inward and made it all about me...that I was so bad that she would go back to her abusive husband.

    Unfortunately, similar to your situation, I often get that lonely feeling as soon as I leave a party or my friends leave my place. It is like the reality of everything that just comes crashing down, that even though I can find people to spend time with, nobody wants to just spend time with me on an informal basis.

    Not sure what to say about getting over it, as I still struggle with it more often than I would like to admit.
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    Options
    So .. my therapist says you have to train your mind. When you very first start going to that place change your thoughts. Replace your bad thoughts with good ones. don't obsess over these thoughts. Focus on something physical .. exercise, clean out a closet, mop the floor, but .. allow yourself to feel the feeling. It is just a feeling .. it isn't going to hurt you unless you let it. Write down what you are thinking is bad about you and write something positive in an answer to that. YOU have to stop yourself. Just because it is in your mind, doesn't mean that you have to feel it. You can't let it consume you.

    Yes, mine says this too.... I tried I really did. I sat there saying and writing all the things I have, that I'm thankful, that i'm greatful for, that I have....trying to boost myself up. I got around cleaned up the yard, cleaned up our mess, reminded myself of how lucky I am for etc etc etc....
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    Options
    My ex husband was diagnosed as bipolar, so I agree that this could be a possibility. But I think that it's more of a sense of abandonement honestly. I could be way off base, but I'd take a look at that as well.

    I tend to have the problem occassionally too, but I try to focus on all the good things I DO have. I know that sounds silly. But I think about the fact that I have a house, a car, clothes I like, I can go on vacations, I'm not buried in debt, I have amazing family and friends.....it's hard but it does help. Just try to think positive rather than negative is all I can tell ya. :flowerforyou: It'll get better, it just takes time.

    Bipolar has crossed my mind... but that's as far as I've let it get, and my therapist hasn't pushed that topic any further than where we left it off at.
    I do like your use of the word abandonement. Because there are many times that I feel that way and I don't get like this bad. then the questions turn to WHO abandonded me? And if I can't point out a who, I tend to think my thoughts are invalid, and I need to find another thing to do. Ugh. :)
  • disneywm76
    disneywm76 Posts: 573 Member
    Options
    In my case, my dad was never really emotionally available to me. So when anyone leaves me, for whatever reason, it triggers that sense of abandonment in me. It's taken some counseling for me to see it, so I've been trying to work it for myself. Just because someone isn't with me 24/7 doesn't mean that they don't care about me. They just have their own life too. :flowerforyou:
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    Options
    I am also too trying to find my identity, in the not so simple fact of who am I? for most of my adult life, I was told who I was, what I was gonna do and how when etc.....

    I am now trying to dig and find my concrete foundation of who I am, and start building from there, so in an effort to get things better I think I'm gonna stir some dust at first this could all just be a rough patch, as I've said time and time again TIME proves alot.

    And I think pa_jorg said it perfectly, Single Peeps is a WONDERFUL outlet for me to get thoughts out and get feedback, as much of a pain in the *kitten* I might sound like you guys have been a very good resource and there are a lot of super people on here that have given me so much needed/wanted feedback.
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
    Options
    I am also too trying to find my identity, in the not so simple fact of who am I? for most of my adult life, I was told who I was, what I was gonna do and how when etc.....

    I am now trying to dig and find my concrete foundation of who I am, and start building from there, so in an effort to get things better I think I'm gonna stir some dust at first this could all just be a rough patch, as I've said time and time again TIME proves alot.

    And I think pa_jorg said it perfectly, Single Peeps is a WONDERFUL outlet for me to get thoughts out and get feedback, as much of a pain in the *kitten* I might sound like you guys have been a very good resource and there are a lot of super people on here that have given me so much needed/wanted feedback.

    One thing you may want to reflect on are some of the things you have posted here.

    I think the first I remember was saying that you were so used to a routine of talking with your ex at a specific time that now it has stopped you felt lost and alone.
    Later if I recall correctly when a guy got too close to you it was upsetting and you had to push him away.

    Taking a guess but what it sounds like to me is that your identity was your marriage/relationship and rather then think in terms of you as a person it became you as a wife/SO.
    Finding yourself will mean losing that part of things and suspect your feeling of emptiness is based on you not yet accepting the fact your identity is not what you have in the past believed it to be but is as an individual person.

    Hope no matter what the reasons may be that you can sort it all out and go on with life.:flowerforyou:
  • Jennifer2387
    Jennifer2387 Posts: 957 Member
    Options

    One thing you may want to reflect on are some of the things you have posted here.

    I think the first I remember was saying that you were so used to a routine of talking with your ex at a specific time that now it has stopped you felt lost and alone.
    Later if I recall correctly when a guy got too close to you it was upsetting and you had to push him away.

    Taking a guess but what it sounds like to me is that your identity was your marriage/relationship and rather then think in terms of you as a person it became you as a wife/SO.
    Finding yourself will mean losing that part of things and suspect your feeling of emptiness is based on you not yet accepting the fact your identity is not what you have in the past believed it to be but is as an individual person.

    Carl .. #1, will you marry me?

    #2 .. you just described me to a T. Question is .. how do you overcome that. HOW. That is the question.
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
    Options
    One thing you may want to reflect on are some of the things you have posted here.

    I think the first I remember was saying that you were so used to a routine of talking with your ex at a specific time that now it has stopped you felt lost and alone.
    Later if I recall correctly when a guy got too close to you it was upsetting and you had to push him away.

    Taking a guess but what it sounds like to me is that your identity was your marriage/relationship and rather then think in terms of you as a person it became you as a wife/SO.
    Finding yourself will mean losing that part of things and suspect your feeling of emptiness is based on you not yet accepting the fact your identity is not what you have in the past believed it to be but is as an individual person.

    Hope no matter what the reasons may be that you can sort it all out and go on with life.:flowerforyou:

    You have hit the nail square on the head Carl, I've said this,(maybe not on here) many times that I don't know how to be single/me/one person. All I know is to take care of someone else, to know that someone else is there whether I love them, hate them or am indifferent to them, or even want them there. It has never been about me, what I like, what I want. The truly sad thing is that I isolated myself (I want to play the victim and say it's not my fault, I truly dont' know if it is or not) and I created this Monster called "Empty" I'm always left empty.

    Part of my conversation with myself (yes I know sounds bad :ohwell: ) I am really truly alone, my first thought was kind of an excited one, for the first time in my life, I'm really alone...like almost excited to feel what truly alone is, then the thought immediately after that was not a pretty one...it was more like a scared I'm ALONE, and I have no one.

    It's hard for me to focus on me, because as in the past I've always tended to someone else, I was never important enough to fool with. I've always seen that as ok, I've always wondered why GOD put me as a marytr in this life to suffer at the wants and needs of others.....I have found that's a crock of bull, and at least I accept that as an answer.

    The hardest part is going to be just what you said, finding me.... putting aside all wants to have that companionship that was my identity. I was spoiled early in life to have a human there. And now that I don't it's all I want back. It was my comfort, it was my "I don't have to face XYZ alone"...Ugh.

    Have I mentioned I dont like the word "alone" yet. :grumble:

    I can report that after talking to a few people who know me and ask me whats up (obviously my face is a moving sign) I'm feeling a little better, I've turned the sad into motivation to keep going.

    But ugh... the white and pink and purple polka dotted elephant in the room still reminds me that even though he's in the room with me, I'm still alone, and empty.
  • slap1225
    slap1225 Posts: 487 Member
    Options
    Highs and lows are normal it is all about how you deal with them. Self-destructive is bad; I know I have been there. And yeah turn it in to a positive. For me working out helps with sadness, loneliness as well as sexual frustration, I just let myself feel the negative thoughts and workout till my mind stops over reacting. It seems like going through the process to make positive changes in your life, brings out the negative thoughts and feelings. Good luck with everything. *hugs*