Dumper or dumpee*
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The last three guys that I've dated for a few months as well as the ex husband, I dumped. A lot of times I find myself being the dumper lately, and I"m not so sure that it's a good thing. But I'd like to think that I know much better now what I'm looking for and just don't want to lead someone on if I don't see a future.
A few years ago it seemed that I was typically the dumpee. I'm guessing that had to do with self esteem issues and seeing potential in everybody instead of the "somebodys".
Interesting topic, PJ! :flowerforyou:0 -
I asked the question because I feel as though I've been doing a lot of this lately!! But I guess that's more because I've been dating around like you said...either that or I have a sparkling personality and men can't resist me.
I'd say it's your sparkling personality and they can't resist.
For me...I think it's because I'm honest and engage actively in the conversation. When I am on a date, my attention is fully on him and trying to get to know him. Even if there's not a spark, I do enjoy meeting new people, so unfortunately that often reflects as me being interested romantically. I've heard several men say "but it felt so natural" or "you are so easy to talk with" and I think that's just because I'm used to talking with men (having brothers and working in a male dominated field). It's really hard to be the dumper at that point because I don't ever want to crush a man, but at the same time don't want him to think there is any chance.
For me (especially if we are meeting as a result of an online dating site). I emphasize that the first encounter will essentially be a "meet and greet" only .....we then go back to our respective corners mull over the conversation, chemistry etc and go from there. If I really enjoyed the guy I'll end things along the lines "I look forward to hearing from you" (that means...yes I want him) or "it was nice to finally meet you" (that means this was fun, but I have no intention of ever contacting you again!!) lol so those are my 2 subtle cues I give out. I too enjoy meeting new people, even if it isn't a connection. I just met a guy that I think wasn't a great fit for me, but my friend might like him....so some times I'll pass that along to them as well...something along the lines of "I really didn't feel a connection, but I have a friend I think you would enjoy meeting". I really (even if I really, really like him) do not like to end the date with a kiss or anything else when you are meeting for the first time. To me, a 2nd date clearly indicates you have at the very least have a mutual attraction.0 -
I'm definitely noticing a trend that women are the dumpers in short term scenarios and hold on longer in serious relationships. What you said above makes perfect sense for this.Yeah, if I'm not interested, I get out before sex, whereas a guy would be more likely to try to get the sex and then get out, so for casual things, I'm definitely the dumper...
I think both of the sentences you have above are fine, but I wonder if they are too subtle if someone is into you but you don't feel the same way?If I really enjoyed the guy I'll end things along the lines "I look forward to hearing from you" (that means...yes I want him) or "it was nice to finally meet you" (that means this was fun, but I have no intention of ever contacting you again!!) lol so those are my 2 subtle cues I give out.0 -
I'm the dumper. I guess I just don't the tolerance for BS like some people. I'm happy to report I've never been dumped...0
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The one time it mattered I was the dumpee.
Every other time I was the dumper, except for the one FWB that I didn't care about (and that was more of a "hey I have a girlfriend so we can't *kitten* anymore).0 -
I haven't had many relationships, but currently 50/50 dumper/dumpee.0
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Ending things is torture for me. I will do anything to avoid that discussion if I really care about someone. Having said that, fwb - I am the dumper, short term relationships - usually the dumpee, and longer term or serious relationships - so far the dumper.0
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I don't like to do the dumping so I sabotage everything until she does the dirty work. I usually know within about 30 minutes if there's any reason to pursue a second date. . If the answer is no. .I just get drunk. . It doesn't always work though. . sometimes they like me even more that way
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Have been the dumper, but more often the dumpee. But I don't really get "dumped"...its more like "poofed upon". :grumble:0
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Well my Ex-husband dumped me via a dear John letter.
I dumped my LT live in BF
Only 2 relationships I've had soI guess I'm 50/500 -
I've been both. Now I'm more of the dumper. I'll just be up front with the guy if I'm not feeling it. I prefer to be dealt with in that manner as well. Don't string me along.0
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Rarely the dumper, or the poofer, but the one being poofed on.
Edit to just fix how I wrote it lol0 -
Having been the dumpee before, (divorce, via ex's affair with a "friend") I do admit to now being more the dumper-type. Survival mechanism, no question.0
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Although it's been about 50/50 I think I'm quite jaded. Having a broken heart can definitely put a different spin on things, puts things in a different perspective. After one painful experience I've definitely been more quick to be the dumper (you can't reject me if I reject you first).0
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I'm usually the dumper... but the ones I fell for MAN I fell for them HARD!!
I've always been told that guys tend to treat you like dirt when they're losing interest, to get you to dump them so they don't have to look like the bad guy. I suspect that many of the guys I've "dumped" were doing just that so not sure that really "counts" as dumping them.0 -
I was recently a dumper, but, a direct question prompted a direct answer... and, as often happens, it quickly becomes either, 'I said' Versus 'You said' - Or (In my case), vague and wishy washy and unclear, due to hurt feelings on both sides, lack of trust, inability to communicate, increased frustration, anger and confusion...then it's fights; or, (in my case) you just stop acknowledging and walk away from each other...No closure and feelings in tatters.
At some point you're gonna be on both sides of this.. Getting involved wholeheartedly makes you vulnerable to that!
With the exception of total mismatches, where one person is clearly unsuitable for a relationship; breakups REALLY suck (but subsequently allow you to learn more about yourself, if you make the effort to) and that is the cost/gamble for such an amazing shared sense of existence... "Togetherness".
You just have to always do everything you can not to affect future relationships from previous pains..
Each one is unique and special and needs to be nurtured by both people involved for it to work in the long run...0 -
Both?
Lately, though, in dating, I have become the dumper. I think it's because I don't generally like to date just to be dating. If I can't see a potential for a relationship, which I can usually tell pretty quickly if there is one or not, then I am forthright about it. Some men are okay with it and move on. Some act like they don't hear the words coming out of my mouth and continue to pursue a relationship anyway. Some say, "Well, we can be friends..." when they really mean "just get to know me and give me a chance, and I'll show you" and I really mean, "Honestly, dude, you're a nice guy and I'm sure someone will love you, but it's not going to be me. EVER."
But sometimes... when I get scared... because I like a guy too much... I do something or pull back from him in some way... so that he will break things off with me. I like him, so I don't want to be the one to break things off, yet the whole situation scares me to death, so I start questioning everything and doubting and "break up with him" and then ask for another chance, but by that time, he's fed up with me and my indecisiveness, so he "breaks up with me"... But usually... later on... I realize that he wasn't really as great as I gave him credit for being in the first place, and that I'm actually better off without him, that maybe my fears were rational.
I'm a mess. A complete mess.
Says the future crazy cat lady...0 -
I'm usually the dumper... but the ones I fell for MAN I fell for them HARD!!
I've always been told that guys tend to treat you like dirt when they're losing interest, to get you to dump them so they don't have to look like the bad guy. I suspect that many of the guys I've "dumped" were doing just that so not sure that really "counts" as dumping them.
I'm actually guilty of doing that myself.0 -
Well my Ex-husband dumped me via a dear John letter.
I dumped my LT live in BF
Only 2 relationships I've had soI guess I'm 50/50
My ex husband sent me a text.0
