Are kids an excuse?
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When I was a kid I had to walk 2 miles through snow to school and back,uphill both ways.0
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See .. you are right you don't understand. Especially when you are divorced and have shared custody. To me, if my ex can't take him .. I have him. I won't make my kid be stuck with a babysitter because his dad is an @sshat. It's not an excuse. It's reality. If you are a good parent that is. I will choose my kid over any 3 month old boyfriend.
See I'm different. I mean my sister and roommate are my sitters if not my ex MIL. But once the kids are asleep I don't see what the issue is with going out. Its not like they ever even know I'm gone. Also since my sitters are family and they live with me its no biggie for me to ask my sister to watch them once they are asleep and go out for a few hours.
Jen I think you are the exception to the rule. It is almost comparing apples to oranges in this case. If you take a single mother without much family in the area, that lives by herself with her kid(s) and try and compare them to your situation where you pretty much have constant adult supervision living in the house. I think you are lucky to have the others to help you out and are in more of an ideal situation.
Oh I know I'm very lucky.0 -
I didn't mean to ruffle feathers here. I'm just saying from my point of view as a single, non-child having person. I'm not saying that people with kids are all the same. I'm saying that this particular one tended on the "@sshat" side. I'm selfish (hence why I'm 34 and don't have/want kids) and when I'm in a relationship with someone I want to be top priority at least some of the time. With kids, I know I'll never been top priority, which is why I made the decision for myself to not date men with kids.
I'm not sure if you are necessarily selfish. People without kids want to be the centerpiece. I expect to be the centerpiece as I make a woman who I have a committed relationship with the centerpiece in mine.
I was somewhat surprised by your individual story of the 30 year old man with the twin boys. Single fathers in theory should be easier to date as they often have less time with their kids, therefore more time that they can allocate to dating.
My relationship style and preferences usually do not mesh with a woman with kids.0 -
First - I don't have kids. I do have a brother who is a single father, though... and I've dated single fathers. My experience has left me with a lot of respect for single parents.
I think the biggest thing to keep in consideration here is something that Run brought up. Dave - in your first post you mentioned that Mom was never at practice, but Dad was. There were two full time parents in your scenario. However, in these single parent situations... the single parent is often playing both roles. There is also the liability issue of what the organization (or baby sitter) should do if there is an injury during practice, and that is why parents are often required to be present during all practices and games. This country is getting more and more sue-happy and more is being pushed back on the parent. It's tough... and you can't live the kind of life you did before kids, or even when (if?) there were two of you raising the munchkin.
Personally, I'd rather date a single father than most of the single un-attached men on the dating market today. Fathers, especially those with full custody, have had to grow up and be responsible for someone else. There is a sense of grounding and realness there. Otherwise I tend to run into the commitment-aphobe bachelors who don't want to give up their lifestyle.
My two cents.0 -
I didn't mean to ruffle feathers here. I'm just saying from my point of view as a single, non-child having person. I'm not saying that people with kids are all the same. I'm saying that this particular one tended on the "@sshat" side. I'm selfish (hence why I'm 34 and don't have/want kids) and when I'm in a relationship with someone I want to be top priority at least some of the time. With kids, I know I'll never been top priority, which is why I made the decision for myself to not date men with kids.
I'm not sure if you are necessarily selfish. People without kids want to be the centerpiece. I expect to be the centerpiece as I make a woman who I have a committed relationship with the centerpiece in mine.
I was somewhat surprised by your individual story of the 30 year old man with the twin boys. Single fathers in theory should be easier to date as they often have less time with their kids, therefore more time that they can allocate to dating.
My relationship style and preferences usually do not mesh with a woman with kids.
This single father had sole custody - his kids lived with him unless it was his ex's weekend. A year after the babies were born, the ex ran off and left him high and dry. She was into drugs heavily and up and left the family until the kids were 5. The fought for custody of them away from their father, but didn't win. Honestly, I think the guy used that story to get women to feel bad for him, then when they were "hooked" he'd start being an @sshat.
Oh, BTW. The guys family lived a mile down the road from him. In a heartbeat they would have taken those kids. Now, I met the kids after a month of dating (which I realize isn't how most would do it, but he did, it was his decision to get me involved that quickly). I found it easy to leave him, hard to leave those boys, only because I knew what kind of dysfunction they had.0 -
i have 5 kids. i have primary physical custody of my kids. they see their dad every other weekend and one night a week for dinner. i am able to get out, every other weekend. and i do. but, i do NOT hire sitters for the weekends i have my kids. ESPECIALLY if i'm not "in a relationship" with someone.
i don't use my kids as an excuse, but if i'm going out with someone for the first time, it's going to be when i'm kid free. that's just the way it is. if the person lives close it could be the one night a week that they go have dinner with their dad. i do try to be accommodating. if i'm not interested in you, i'll just tell you straight up.
my kids and i have lived on our own for 3 years now. we have a great life and a great schedule. we do TONS of stuff, and i would be more than happy and willing to include someone else. it just hasnt happened for me. :-)0 -
i have 5 kids. i have primary physical custody of my kids. they see their dad every other weekend and one night a week for dinner. i am able to get out, every other weekend. and i do. but, i do NOT hire sitters for the weekends i have my kids. ESPECIALLY if i'm not "in a relationship" with someone.
i don't use my kids as an excuse, but if i'm going out with someone for the first time, it's going to be when i'm kid free. that's just the way it is. if the person lives close it could be the one night a week that they go have dinner with their dad. i do try to be accommodating. if i'm not interested in you, i'll just tell you straight up.
my kids and i have lived on our own for 3 years now. we have a great life and a great schedule. we do TONS of stuff, and i would be more than happy and willing to include someone else. it just hasnt happened for me. :-)
Wow Dana... 5 kids. You must be a busy lady. Congrats on your commitment (What choice do we have huh???)
I fell in love with a lady post my divorce who had 3 kids of her own (I have 2) so we were both in 'putting the kids first' mode for a long time which I believe is the right thing to do. It meant 'us time' had to be worked in around 'kid time'. It was not easy... but it was doable. It helps of course as the kids get older and actually want to spend LESS time with you. It's like "Oh you want to sleep at Johnny's house tonight? Why don't you stay FOR THE WEEK!!!!"...
Every second weekend is not a lot of time for you to do YOUR thing. I think if I only had every second weekend I'd just callapse into bed and sleep the whole time.0 -
Oh my gravy Jen, I'd give alot alot to have that option....alot alot. :noway:See I'm different. I mean my sister and roommate are my sitters if not my ex MIL. But once the kids are asleep I don't see what the issue is with going out. Its not like they ever even know I'm gone. Also since my sitters are family and they live with me its no biggie for me to ask my sister to watch them once they are asleep and go out for a few hours.0 -
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Oh my gravy Jen, I'd give alot alot to have that option....alot alot. :noway:See I'm different. I mean my sister and roommate are my sitters if not my ex MIL. But once the kids are asleep I don't see what the issue is with going out. Its not like they ever even know I'm gone. Also since my sitters are family and they live with me its no biggie for me to ask my sister to watch them once they are asleep and go out for a few hours.
Well I've lived in south fl all my life all my friends and most of my family are here.It helps alot.0 -
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LOL Me too! Just read my friends post <<<< lazy
Reddit user?0 -
Well I've lived in south fl all my life all my friends and most of my family are here.It helps alot.
That does make a difference. Soon after the birth of a child, my cousin and his wife moved to be near my uncle and aunt, who are providing a lot of free child care. That free child care and some other support is quite possibly keeping the marriage intact.
Also Jen, if you've been there your entire life, why are you not a Dolphins fan? The Dolphins haven't been good for years, so they maybe haven't given you a reason to like them. In South FL, the Heat and Marlins have won championships more recently.0 -
Well I've lived in south fl all my life all my friends and most of my family are here.It helps alot.
That does make a difference. Soon after the birth of a child, my cousin and his wife moved to be near my uncle and aunt, who are providing a lot of free child care. That free child care and some other support is quite possibly keeping the marriage intact.
Also Jen, if you've been there your entire life, why are you not a Dolphins fan? The Dolphins haven't been good for years, so they maybe haven't given you a reason to like them. In South FL, the Heat and Marlins have won championships more recently.
My mom is from new york... Considor it in utero brain washing lol..... I've been a jets fan since before I could remember and that includes crappy years like this one lol0 -
Well I've lived in south fl all my life all my friends and most of my family are here.It helps alot.
That does make a difference. Soon after the birth of a child, my cousin and his wife moved to be near my uncle and aunt, who are providing a lot of free child care. That free child care and some other support is quite possibly keeping the marriage intact.
Also Jen, if you've been there your entire life, why are you not a Dolphins fan? The Dolphins haven't been good for years, so they maybe haven't given you a reason to like them. In South FL, the Heat and Marlins have won championships more recently.
My mom is from new york... Considor it in utero brain washing lol..... I've been a jets fan since before I could remember and that includes crappy years like this one lol
Too bad that your mom did not like the NY Giants for football. The Giants have won more championships than the Jets.
Hey, Miami hosts the Super Bowl once in a while. That may make up for bad Dolphins football.0 -
The last guy I dated, his son was 12/13 and he treated his son like he was more along the lines of 5/6. He used his son for excuses to not be able to do a lot of things with me. I always got, "Oh but rumplestilskin is to call me and I need to be here", or "Oh he has soccer practice 4 days a week." He would not even let me come watch his sons soccer games. I don't care if I am introduced, I just want to watch. That never happened. I was never made to feel like I fit in his life because of his son. I never asked to be placed first, because I know kids should always come first, especially before me. But geez make me feel like I fit in your life somewhere....
So sometimes I think they can be used as an excuse, at least based on some of my past experiences (this is just one of them, but they all came out pretty much the same) Just my two cents worth0 -
The last guy I dated, his son was 12/13 and he treated his son like he was more along the lines of 5/6. He used his son for excuses to not be able to do a lot of things with me. I always got, "Oh but rumplestilskin is to call me and I need to be here", or "Oh he has soccer practice 4 days a week." He would not even let me come watch his sons soccer games. I don't care if I am introduced, I just want to watch. That never happened. I was never made to feel like I fit in his life because of his son. I never asked to be placed first, because I know kids should always come first, especially before me. But geez make me feel like I fit in your life somewhere....
So sometimes I think they can be used as an excuse, at least based on some of my past experiences (this is just one of them, but they all came out pretty much the same) Just my two cents worth
Hmmm yeah. Doesn't sound like he was making much of an effort for you. Kid time is fine so long as a big effort is made when the opportunities DO arise.
Not a keeper. :frown:0 -
The last guy I dated, his son was 12/13 and he treated his son like he was more along the lines of 5/6. He used his son for excuses to not be able to do a lot of things with me. I always got, "Oh but rumplestilskin is to call me and I need to be here", or "Oh he has soccer practice 4 days a week." He would not even let me come watch his sons soccer games. I don't care if I am introduced, I just want to watch. That never happened. I was never made to feel like I fit in his life because of his son. I never asked to be placed first, because I know kids should always come first, especially before me. But geez make me feel like I fit in your life somewhere....
So sometimes I think they can be used as an excuse, at least based on some of my past experiences (this is just one of them, but they all came out pretty much the same) Just my two cents worth
Some people just can't win.
Spend not enough time with you kids? Deadbeat.
Spend too much time with your kids? You're babying them..
I don't get your post. The kid was put first before you, you don't want to be put first, but you're upset because you weren't put first?
ETA:
I spent a lot of my childhood being left at home alone, while my mom was out on dates with losers. Maybe that is were my bitterness comes from...0 -
I was thinking this morning that I see all these profiles from women about how their kids are there number 1 priority. It sounds great and I can see it for younger children but I also recall being a kid myself. My parents would take me and my brother to this practice or that one and would attend alomst all of the games. However, once we reached a certain age of around 12 or so, we got dropped off at practice and they left. Most of the parents were the same way. It was fairly common for a car pool situation where most parents weren't there after practice either. One or two dad's would stick around and semi-coach and a few more would show up for the last 20-30 minutes of practice and do the "that's my boy" variation of the measuring stick game. I rarely recall seeing a mom at or after a practice.
I realize that having a car pool system and leaving the kids to practice gives time for other things like making meals, cleaning, shopping etc. but once we reached about the same age, my brother and I had to do a lot of cleaning ourselves (or we got yelled at about it and it stayed dirty in a test of wills.) and cooked things like frozen pizzas and burgers.
So a couple of possibilities: Have things changed that much? Did my friends and I have lousy neglectful parents? Are the kids an excuse? Are these women using the kids to fulfill something that is missing as a result of their divorce? other possibilities?
I don't get what the two have to with each other. Your kids are likely to remain your number one priority whether or not you leave them at a game or stay and watch. I think most parents will feel this way about their kids across the generaltions. Women put it in their profile because they are worried guys will start demanding they see them at times they don't think they can make it, or will ask to meet the kids before she's ready etc. It doesn't mean they are not prpared to compomise over things they judge as less important.0 -
The last guy I dated, his son was 12/13 and he treated his son like he was more along the lines of 5/6. He used his son for excuses to not be able to do a lot of things with me. I always got, "Oh but rumplestilskin is to call me and I need to be here", or "Oh he has soccer practice 4 days a week." He would not even let me come watch his sons soccer games. I don't care if I am introduced, I just want to watch. That never happened. I was never made to feel like I fit in his life because of his son. I never asked to be placed first, because I know kids should always come first, especially before me. But geez make me feel like I fit in your life somewhere....
So sometimes I think they can be used as an excuse, at least based on some of my past experiences (this is just one of them, but they all came out pretty much the same) Just my two cents worth
Some people just can't win.
Spend not enough time with you kids? Deadbeat.
Spend too much time with your kids? You're babying them..
I don't get your post. The kid was put first before you, you don't want to be put first, but you're upset because you weren't put first?
ETA:
I spent a lot of my childhood being left at home alone, while my mom was out on dates with losers. Maybe that is were my bitterness comes from...
I was made to feel as if I didnt fit in his life at all. I never once asked to be put first, but at least make me feel like you WANT me in your life. Not that I was not put first, I felt as if I did NOT rank at all.0 -
The last guy I dated, his son was 12/13 and he treated his son like he was more along the lines of 5/6. He used his son for excuses to not be able to do a lot of things with me. I always got, "Oh but rumplestilskin is to call me and I need to be here", or "Oh he has soccer practice 4 days a week." He would not even let me come watch his sons soccer games. I don't care if I am introduced, I just want to watch. That never happened. I was never made to feel like I fit in his life because of his son. I never asked to be placed first, because I know kids should always come first, especially before me. But geez make me feel like I fit in your life somewhere....
But, how long were you dating? I won't let men come to my kids games unless they've been introduced to my kids either. Why? Because my kids aren't stupid. "Who's that guy mom?" My kids don't need to be subjected to every bit of my dating life. My heart breaks enough when a relationship ends, theirs' should not as well.0
