Some Beer Humor
BigDog
Posts: 272 Member
Here's some helpful instructions for the serious beer drinker. ;-)
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
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Replies
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Lol! I need a beer now!0
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HAHAHAHA!!! Loved this, thanks for sharing, can't wait to share it with hubby!0
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:laugh: Loved it!!! Thanks!0
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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."0 -
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Some top beer executives went out for a drink. The President of Budweiser ordered a Bud. The President of Miller ordered a Miller and the President of Coors ordered a Coors. When it came time for the President of Guinness to order, he asked for a soda.
The other executives asked him, "Why didn't you order a Guinness?".
He replied, "Naw, if you guys aren't going to have a beer, then neither will I".0 -
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
*kitten*!!0 -
:laugh: ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!0
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Some top beer executives went out for a drink. The President of Budweiser ordered a Bud. The President of Miller ordered a Miller and the President of Coors ordered a Coors. When it came time for the President of Guinness to order, he asked for a soda.
The other executives asked him, "Why didn't you order a Guinness?".
He replied, "Naw, if you guys aren't going to have a beer, then neither will I".
I was in Estes Park on vacation with my parents last year, and we hit up the local brewery. My dad and I each got our four samplers, and my mom asked if they had anything similar to coors lite (her favorite and only beer of choice). The guy behind the bar said sure, and handed her a glass of water. :laugh:0 -
Some top beer executives went out for a drink. The President of Budweiser ordered a Bud. The President of Miller ordered a Miller and the President of Coors ordered a Coors. When it came time for the President of Guinness to order, he asked for a soda.
The other executives asked him, "Why didn't you order a Guinness?".
He replied, "Naw, if you guys aren't going to have a beer, then neither will I".
I was in Estes Park on vacation with my parents last year, and we hit up the local brewery. My dad and I each got our four samplers, and my mom asked if they had anything similar to coors lite (her favorite and only beer of choice). The guy behind the bar said sure, and handed her a glass of water. :laugh:
Lol, awesome.0 -
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
*sigh* .... I have a business card that just says, "I'm sorry I tried to fight you. Can you please call my husband and let him know it's happened again."0 -
GREAT!
i am on my 3rd!
ITS FRIDAY!0
