The Plus-One Debate

Moxie42 · February 2013

I understand that different couples have different "rules" when it comes to granting +1s. We don't have a limitless budget but we want our families and the people in our lives to be there even if they're not super-close friends. So of course we can't invite every single person we know AND all their SOs.

Based on what we can afford at the venue we have chosen, we're aiming to have 100 people attend so we have our first round guest list, second round, etc. We're giving 1+s to the wedding party, married/engaged couples, and couples who have been together a long time and/or live together. We are NOT giving +1s to single friends, serial dating friends, or teenage family. We may or may not give +1s to single adult family members.

Personally, I think this is fair. I don't want to pay $100/plate so that someone can bring their "boyfriend of the week," or go searching for a date just for the sake of having a date, you know? And I don't want to exclude a work friend because I feel obligated to give my single cousin I see once every 5 years a +1.

However, it has shocked me how many posts I've seen where people are saying it's extremely rude and inconsiderate to not give EVERYONE a Plus 1. Is it really that bad? Or do these people just have no clue how expensive weddings are? Sooooo many people even say that they would refuse to go to a wedding if their SO wasn't invited. Personally, I would be very hurt if someone refused to go to my wedding simply because my budget wouldn't allow every single person to bring a date. I would think that is a very selfish thing for a "friend" to do. I would have no problem with a friend ASKING if they could bring a date, in which case I wouldn't explain the situation but let them know if a seat opened up (due to someone declining, etc.)

Even one of my friends was insulted when her SO wasn't invited to a wedding of a mutual friends of ours...but here's the thing...we were surprised to be invited at all because the couple getting married were high school friends we had talked to maybe twice in the past 10 years. My fiance was invited because we were engaged, lived together, and we had been together 6 years...and it was obvious based on my Facebook status, etc. My friend on the other hand, was "single" according to Facebook, and her situation with her SO was complicated...only people that really knew her, like me, knew she was even dating someone. But she was upset because "well, everyone should get a plus 1...it's not fair to include some people and exclude others."

Anyway, just curious as to how others feel about this. Have you been on either side of such a situation?

Drkchyld · February 2013

To avoid that discussion on my invitation it says"___of ___ are attending. " in the second blank I put how many people are invited and there's no if ands or buts. And I don't have so many unwanted guests. Then u can work with the people on a case by case if you feel there's room for a +1. Hope that helps.

OspreyVista · February 2013

I have talked about this with my Fiance a lot. I personally don't want a whole lot of people at our wedding. I want people who have been there in our lives and know us personally, and talk to us regularly. I put a lot of importance on a wedding, and one of the important things in a wedding is that I have people there who know and care about us. For me, having someone bring their so or their date who I have no idea who they are, is rude. I don't want to share my marriage ceremony and celebration with strangers. I think the reasoning behind this is that I hold marriage in high regards. I don't take marriage lightly and I want the people around me on my wedding day to be those who care about my fiance and me, not some strangers who wants free food, or to hook up. To some people this may seem to be a rude perspective on marriage, but that's my opinion on marriage and it's what I want. I'm not having a well maybe your so can come if a seat becomes available, that's not an option. Brian has many friends that he never talks to and has just known from high school that he wants to invite, and I've discussed how I feel. It's not that I don't want to exclude them, it's just that I don't feel like they are that important in his life. We've made an agreement that our maximum amount of people to attend is 75 people. So far we may send 55-60 people of which we think are close enough to make sure to invite. I've told him that if there is any extra seats, that he may invite some of his other friends if that's what he truly wishes, and I think this is a great compromise as I don't have very many people I'm inviting anyway. I also have a very **** you attitude about it. Marriage again is a huge step for me, and it's very important. If people get upset about not inviting their so, then they aren't the type of people I want in my life anyway. If it is that important to them that their significant other isn't invited, then they can ask me about it, and I will explain to them why. If they just get hurt, and don't bother asking how I feel about it, then I feel like they don't really care about how I feel at all, and therefore don't want them in my wedding or life anyways. Maybe I've been backstabbed way to many times, but I don't take any crap from friends.

Sorry if this seems mean, just my opinion on how my Plus 1's are going, they aren't for the most part! Just people I care about. If it's that big of a deal, explain it to the people who have a problem with it. If they still have a problem with it then your going to have to decide on if their friendship is worth a plus one.

PlumCrazyGirl · February 2013

Agree w/OpsreyVista

Allow me to share a story -- when attempting to plan my first wedding in 1990. I had my then future sister in law tell me I must invite this relative, this relative, this relative, and so forth. Her viewpoint, it's our Aunt, their kid, my cousin lives with them, it would be rude not to invite this one and this one...... I did not want my wedding the place to be introduced to relatives my then husband didn't interact with. So what if that's the Aunt -- if you don't talk/see the person - why invite. The guest list for his side of the family would have easily been 70+ people with 50+ of those I had not met in the 4 years we were together prior to marriage. My former inlaws had the mindset - Bride's family pay for wedding. Groom's family would consider the bar tab (let me state, I was told it would be tacky to have open bar or no booze. Was also told you have to have booze or else no one will have a good time. My viewpoint was and still is -- if you need a drink to have a good time -- you have a problem.)
My parents viewpoint -- your wedding - you pay for it.
Long story short -- I ended up w/a justice of peace elopment wedding. None of his family or mine were there.

2nd wedding -- 23 years later -- new hubby to be. Mindset - our wedding - we're paying for it.
He got sucked into "must invite these people" with his first wedding in 1988 and ended up with over 100 people. Told me he didn't like going to table to table thanking people and being introduced to members of the bride's family.

Our guest list is only those family members we interact with. Sure, I have cousins that live out of state.... they not getting an invitation since I don't communicate with them. (Sorry but an occasionally facebook post is not communicating with me.) Sure, my fiance has older Aunt/Uncle that live out of state -- they not getting an invite either for the same reason.

We did finalize the guest list over the weekend. We estimate 22-27 people will attend the wedding. That's close family only.
If we piss off a distant relative because we didn't send them an invitation -- oh well.

Moxie42 · February 2013

Thanks for the input you guys! It sounds like different people have different ways of determining who should/shouldn't be invited, who gets a +1, etc....which is how I think it should be...I think couples should be able to make that choice based on their feelings and needs....but I was starting to question myself since a lot of people seem to think there are these blanket "courtesy rules" for weddings. I feel a lot better hearing from you guys- people who have planned/ are planning- a wedding. I've never been involved in a wedding before (and have only attended two) so I'm pretty clueless.

I love the idea of including "__ out of __ are attending" on the RSVP as well, so there is NO confusion as to who is being invited.

@Plum- I was told the same thing regarding alcohol! That it is "expected." Also, one wedding I went to, people complained about the bar being a cash bar and not hosted. In general, it shocks me how much I've heard people complain at weddings...whether it's about the food, drinks, the cake flavor, etc....do people forget that they are there to celebrate someone's wedding and that it's not all about them? Anywho, I was really stressing about the alcohol thing and was actually glad when my venue upped the per-person price since it now includes hosted bar. I have to find out whether that's unlimited or what but I'm glad at least some is included. Our venue also only allows beer, wine, and champagne on the premises. I'm sure some people will be disappointed but we're fine with it! If people care THAT much about hard alcohol, that's why flasks were invented :drinker:

OspreyVista · February 2013

Hey, it's YOUR wedding, you do what YOU want. This isn't about anyone else except for you and your Fiance. Don't let others "wants" happen if that's not what YOU want. It's your day. I've never been involved in wedding planning before either. I've heard so many horror stories though of things being to late, or not on time, that I'm setting up everything super early. I also understand that it's not going to be exactly the way I want, at exactly the time I want. I EXPECT some things to go wrong. In fact, I expect everything to go wrong, and I'm happy with that. It sets me up to be happy no matter what happens, and I won't have to worry about anything getting messed up. So when it turns out awesome, it will be better than we even planned it to be

I also love the _out of _ are attending idea. Totally going to use it too, because I know some people think they automatically get a +1.

I've also heard that it's inconsiderate of the guests to get drunk at a wedding. I had to laugh when I read this, because both my fiance and I expect pretty much everyone to be drunk off their *kitten*. It's awesome that we are having the ceremony and reception at a hotel resort, so that no one ever has to drive anywhere

I also can't believe how many people complain about food and crap. The ceremony and reception is not about food, drinks, or cakes. It's about the two people committing themselves to each other for a life-time. I'm going to be a ***** at my wedding. If I hear anyone complaining about any of that kind of stuff, I'll flat out slap the crap out of them and tell them to get out. It's another reason why I want a small wedding.....

Also I've heard of things where people stick their fingers in the cake. I'm going to have to assign someone to watch that cake! And, if someone does happen to put their fingers in the cake, they get to pay for it!!! I can't believe the things people do, it's shocking! I mean, wedding cakes are NOT cheap >:(

PlumCrazyGirl · February 2013

Here's my input again.....

Booze -- we are paying for champage (sparkling wine) for the reception toast. That's it. Rest is cash bar. We'll have children from previous marriage, plus nieces and nephews... all age 12 to 19. Thus, I'm sticking with if the adult wants a drink -- get it yourself or have a sparkling wine.

Cake -- at my sister's wedding (1991), I took a picture of my Grandmom "taste testing" the cake. Grandmom had a small bit of icing on her fingers and she had her fingers up to her lips. It was a sweet picture of the Grandmom I dearly loved. Her husband, my Grandfather -- got a picture of him "shaking" a wedding gift. It's those priceless pictures that I treasure since both are deceased. Those pictures showed their personalities.

I too am doing things super early. Wedding is 9/14 all is on track. The big thing I have left is print invites. As posted in another thread -- we may need to move prior to wedding. So doing all of this stuff is way easier for me than finding a place to live and packing up a house. So, reception favors done -- invites done on my computer -- dress got it -- florist done -- photographer - done. Church, reception place & food picked out May 2012 (I got engaged April 2012). Using my car so no limo needed.

Moxie42 · February 2013

Thanks again for the input! I love seeing the different ways people are addressing the somewhat "sensitive" issues. The kids/ no kids question is another one I'm unsure of. I'm debating whether to only allow kids in the family (which would only be around 2...my 3-year-old cousin the flower-girl, and her baby sister)...or to allow all kids, which would bump the number of kids up to 7+, and that's assuming no else has kids between now and Sept 2014! I'm leaning towards family-kids only. Thankfully other than the two little ones, everyone else in my family is at least college-aged so I would consider them adults as far as invitations go. I think (hope!) my friends will be understanding if we don't invite their kids, since they'll all still be babies/toddlers.

PlumCrazyGirl · February 2013

Moxie42 -- here's a story -- My Uncle's wedding (1970). His bride stated NO KIDS.
My parents were invited - since the groom was my Dad's brother. My grandparents invited (Mother and Father of Groom).

Somehow, I don't have the full story here, my parents could not get a babysitter for me -- I was only a few months old -- and I would need to attend the wedding/reception. Was told the bride was insisting -- NO KIDS so my parents said, they won't attend.

Well, when my Grandmother (Mother of Groom) learned that me, her first born grandchild and her younger son would not attend the wedding -- she threw a fit.... said "If Barbie can't go to the wedding, I won't go to the wedding."

Ya know, I got to go.... according to my parents - I was very quiet or slept - didn't cry or make a fuss. Just looked very cute!

The moral of the story here -- Sometimes Mom gets her way. In this case, it was the Mother of the Groom who was very proud of her "Grandmother" title -- probably more excited over being a Grandmother than gaining the bride as a daughter in law!

Moxie42 · February 2013

That totally makes sense and is definitely one reason I'm more than okay with kids in the family coming. I'm just not entirely sure how I feel about friends' kids. It's not that I don't want kids there...I'm just not sure I want to pay a few hundred dollars for toddlers. I want my friends to be there and if that means they have to bring their kids, that would be fine...but at the same time I don't want it to seem like I actively WANT their kids there either..partially because I seem to be at that age where all my friends are having kids. I know three couples all having babies this month! So what could start as 2 or 3 kids could become 10 by the time the invites go out, and if the venue charges even for toddlers, it could snowball out of control. I wish I could discourage bringing kids without banning them, lol! But I know that's asking too much! Thankfully I have time to figure out those details.

Drkchyld · February 2013

Moxie42 I was having lots of trouble deciding if children were going to be invited. I Have a million and 1 kids in my family and most of my friends have kids. Wnen i started to add up the cost of food and cake my decision was made. Some people might think it's mean but sorry i'm not paying the whole cost of a plate when ur child may eat some of it if any at all. No thank you. And yes some of my guests might decide not to come cause their children aren't invited but oh well more money in my pocket for something else. but i will allow children 13 months and under. You wont mind them eating of your plate at that age. (by the way i'm having 130 guest and about 5 are kids )

OspreyVista · February 2013

Thanks again for the input! I love seeing the different ways people are addressing the somewhat "sensitive" issues. The kids/ no kids question is another one I'm unsure of. I'm debating whether to only allow kids in the family (which would only be around 2...my 3-year-old cousin the flower-girl, and her baby sister)...or to allow all kids, which would bump the number of kids up to 7+, and that's assuming no else has kids between now and Sept 2014! I'm leaning towards family-kids only. Thankfully other than the two little ones, everyone else in my family is at least college-aged so I would consider them adults as far as invitations go. I think (hope!) my friends will be understanding if we don't invite their kids, since they'll all still be babies/toddlers.

The only kids who are invited to our wedding are the people in our wedding party's kids. No other kids are going to be allowed, and to be honest there is one person's kids that my fiance wants to have the ring bear, and i'd prefer not to have them at the wedding at all as they are wild and crazy and I'm nervous about their behavior,, but that's what my fiance wants, so I'm letting him do it.

OspreyVista · February 2013

Moxie42 I was having lots of trouble deciding if children were going to be invited. I Have a million and 1 kids in my family and most of my friends have kids. Wnen i started to add up the cost of food and cake my decision was made. Some people might think it's mean but sorry i'm not paying the whole cost of a plate when ur child may eat some of it if any at all. No thank you. And yes some of my guests might decide not to come cause their children aren't invited but oh well more money in my pocket for something else. but i will allow children 13 months and under. You wont mind them eating of your plate at that age. (by the way i'm having 130 guest and about 5 are kids )

I don't think a lot of people think about the cost of everything. They think it's their right to bring a plus 1 or kids or whatever, without thinking how much of a burden it will be on the couple getting married. Weddings aren't cheap, and I think if anyone complains about not being able to bring their kids I'll just shrug and stick to my no kids rule. I figure if they want to have a fit over not being able to bring their kids, they don't really care about us anyways. That's how I see it anyway. This isn't about them bringing their kids, it's not about them at all. It's about the couple getting married, and that's that. I'm also fortunate that most of the people we are inviting don't have kids, and if they do, we know that they will be able to find a babysitter. For those of those who can't find a babysitter, then that sucks but I don't want kids at my ceremony where they can be a distraction. It's not going to be fun for kids at all. I always hated going to weddings when I was a child because I was always bored. I know too many kids that would make a fuss and make it impossible for everyone to actually pay attention to what's going on, so I'd just rather not have them at all if I can help it, which I can. Again, it helps if you explain things to people too. I figure if they ask I'll explain why I don't want kids, and if they have a problem with it, then they can kiss my *kitten*. >:( *sigh* IF that does happen though it's going to be hard for me to stick to what I want $:\$

Moxie42 · February 2013

I'm definitely lucky that there are only two young kids in my family (so far! And not too many on my fiance's side either) and I think it's fair to allow family kids but not friends' kids...or, if my venue doesn't charge for kids under 3, then I'd be fine with allowing kids in general. Including my flower girl (our ring bearer is our dog

), there are only three kids over the age of 3 so that wouldn't be a huge extra cost. And one couple I want to invite has a baby, and they live 400 miles away...in that situation I can totally understand them wanting to have their baby with them. IF my venue does charge for kids under 3, then I probably will only allow family's kids.

Anyway, I appreciate the feedback and different opinions! It's very reassuring to know there's no right or wrong answers...it really does depend on the situation and the people involved, and I think I found a fair compromise, depending on my venue's policies.

arendiva · February 2013

While I totally support not inviting relatives that you aren't close to I am completely against denying people you are close to the right to bring their significant others. I'm not saying you need to give every single person a date. But anyone who is in a committed relationship should be able to bring their SO. They are a social unit and should be invited together or not at all.

arendiva · February 2013

For what's it's worth I totally support no kids weddings. I've seen children destroy ceremonies on more than one occasion. The youngest guest at my wedding will be 15.

Moxie42 · February 2013

While I totally support not inviting relatives that you aren't close to I am completely against denying people you are close to the right to bring their significant others. I'm not saying you need to give every single person a date. But anyone who is in a committed relationship should be able to bring their SO. They are a social unit and should be invited together or not at all.

I totally understand what you mean. I definitely intend to give +1s to people who are in an actual relationship/marriage/engagement- I want people to be able to bring their SOs...but not go searching for a date just for the sake of having one. I think the way you phrased it is great...there are couples that are "social units"- and there are people who are simply "in the dating scene," and there is definitely a difference!

PlumCrazyGirl · February 2013

I debated long and hard to allow the nieces and nephews to bring a date.

Determined - No.

Moxie42 · February 2013

Yeah, I'm lucky that the only people in my family not married are the ones who are college or high-school aged. I know they'll only come if they go with a parent, so no +1 for them...except my cousin who lives with her boyfriend and their daughter who is my flower girl. Out of my entire family, I know only 4-6 will come, partially because they're on the other side of the country, so it makes things a bit easier. Sucks but I'm used to it- that's what happens when your family is a couple thousand miles away!

michiganmanda · February 2013

We are having a 50 person wedding (including us) due to budget restrictions and space restrictions of the venue. There are only 3 people getting a plus one where we're not close to the date. That is because the person wouldn't know anyone at the wedding otherwise.

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The Plus-One Debate

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