Ok I know my diary is open so I figure I must explain at some point what is going on with me. I considered closing my diary because I didn't want people thinking that "not eating": is the way to go. I have reasons for what I am doing and things are starting to make sense. I don't believe in cleansing - detoxing. I think that's what your kidneys and liver is for. I've read a lot on the subject and unless you are coming off of heroine or binge drinking there's not a whole lot of science supporting it. What I am doing is juicing/ fasting. It's probably hard to believe but my #1 motivation isn't weight loss while doing it. It is a nice side effect but what I am really hoping to learn is to change my relationship with food. I spent the first few days salivating over every fast food and restaurant commercial dreaming of what I'll eat first when this is over. Now I am somewhat past that part and more thinking about how much I am learning about myself.

First of all I crave food when my day gets stressful. I mean wild eyed looking for the comfort that eating brings. My first week and even still now I am emotional because I actually have to feel my feelings instead of stuffing them with food. For me having a bad day meant over eating any kind of food from fast food to diet food whichever way I was going to over do it. I wasn't doing as much damage as I used to but I was turning to food to solve problems.

Second I notice how often I mindlessly pop food in my mouth when cooking, cleaning up around the kitchen, and snacking. I can't count how many times I caught myself about to pop an olive or a little chunk of feta in my mouth when making a salad for my husband. That's when I started paying attention. When I make my juice I caught myself wanting to pop a piece of fruit in my mouth. I know I am not eating so it makes sense that I could be hungry but I am noticing the impulses I have.

Thirdly, I've noticed how easy it is to do the convenient thing and eat out when busy. I am crazy guilty about going through a drive thru and eating complete and total garbage. I call it that because of what it is doing to my body. My arteries are not thanking me for another order of fries no matter if I get the small one. Even still I am not claiming I will never eat another french fry (eek!) I am saying that I am trying to retrain my brain to not crave that crap anymore. (I am not quite there yet even typing about fries made me want to go get some lol)

Lastly, I am hoping to create healthy habits when this is over. Eating healthy whole foods, reading a book, doing an activity, working out when I am stressed. I have never been able to manage a lasting change and I think it is always because I have focused short term on "losing the weight!!!" that's all I could think of. The number on the scale. And when it wasn't moving in the right direction I would turn sad and give up. My old habits coming right back because I was just being on my best behavior to lose the weight not actually changing the way I think about food.

It's drastic. I get it. And now I tell you it's what I need. Apparently I am stubborn and my habits and thought processes are so engrained in me it is hard to change while still eating for me. All the childhood nonsense of cleaning my plate and the adult habits that have added to it have almost killed me.

I watched a documentary called Fat, Sick, and nearly Dead. And it made me wonder if taking this approach would work for me. I am drinking clean green vegetables and fruits so I am not starving to death. So far so good.