When does the urge go away
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Showgirlbody
Posts: 402 Member
To sleep with other people? I don't know if I'm getting a monogamy panic attack or what. I'm 36 and my current 10 month relationship is my longest. I dated a bit, had some casual things that were never explicitly exclusive so even if I wasn't sleeping with other people, I knew that I could. Now, I find myself wanting to have the option again. I see my boyfriend as a great partner and friend in life. I am attracted to him and sex isn't bad but I find myself thinking of a couple guys in particular that I had hot times with. One recently texted me and I totally just want to do him one more time! I don't want to ruin a good thing for a fling, but I've been thinking about it a lot. I think it's like dieting, when you say you can't have the cookie, you really want it. I never used to understand cheating. I would think well if you don't want to be with them, just break up. It's not that simple I have learned. You may want the life and partnership with one, but still want other things and people to fulfill different needs. I don't think one stops being attracted to other people just because you are involved or married, it's all about what you do about it. But I just feel like I'm going to sabotage myself and my relationship. He talks about getting married and I can see us having a good life, but then on the other hand I worry that if I'm already wanting others at this point, we are doomed. We've talked about open relationships in general and I know he would not go for it at all.
Please discuss. When you are in love and monogamous, do you understand your fantasies as fantasies but know you don't want to be with other people? Or do you just work through your urges and accept that one person cannot fulfill you in all ways?
Please discuss. When you are in love and monogamous, do you understand your fantasies as fantasies but know you don't want to be with other people? Or do you just work through your urges and accept that one person cannot fulfill you in all ways?
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A friend likes to tell the story about his experience with a group at his church for young married couples. He was talking to an elder who was probably around 70. One of the other guys asked the elder how long it took to not want to have sex with other women. The elder told him, when I get to that point, I'll let you.
The fact that you're concerned about your boyfriend is a good sign. It means that you are considering the hurt it may cause him. I'd wouldn't say that thinking about flings with others is a sign that the relationship has run its course. I would think that the fact you care about your partner enough not to do something for personal gain that would hurt him is a sign that the relationship has not run its course.0 -
1) It sounds like it could possibly be an adjustment phase for you. You aren't used to this - so you have to break the habit. Like quitting smoking. The hardest thing is breaking your old routine. Once the new thing becomes natural it won't be a concern.
2) That being said, even when I am in a closed, monogamous relationship I still fantasize about people. I still long to have sex with other people that were just -so good- back in the day. It could possibly be that you are agonizing more about worrying whether or not that's "normal" or "acceptable" than actually being fearful of following through. Yes, it is normal. It's perfectly okay as long as you don't cheat and are happy overall. If you are not fully satisfied with your sexual relationship, talk to him about it. Give you guys a chance to make it into something that fulfills you both. Maybe he wants to do more/be better/try things but is too shy to bring it up.
3) If he is unwilling/unable to fulfill you to the point where you aren't left wanting, then despite all the positives it might just be a sign that you two aren't compatible. Please keep in mind I put this one last because it is the last thing to be considered. Try and make it work through communication and honesty before considering leaving because you do say that you are otherwise happy. You've expressed before that this is uncomfortable for you but take it day by day and if you really are happy that should outweigh some random strange.0 -
Ok. I feel better. My rational side is far more evolved than my emotional side, so I would like to think that I would not get carried away with whimsy and can understand all the reasons why it's okay to want other people and that no, I don't have to do anything about it. I just have been worrying that I shouldn't be already thinking about the greener grass. I appreciate the advice. I expected some people to say that if my sex life is lacking then it's not meant to be, but I think a relationship is more than just sex however strong the urges may be, that's not what is going to be left at the end of the day.
To complicate matters my bf is older than men I've dated (43) and sometimes has E.D. problems which can also put a damper on things so I think that's why I've been thinking about my hot, 29 year old Greek guy with lots of energy and stamina and a big....nevermind. lol0 -
Ok. I feel better. My rational side is far more evolved than my emotional side, so I would like to think that I would not get carried away with whimsy and can understand all the reasons why it's okay to want other people and that no, I don't have to do anything about it. I just have been worrying that I shouldn't be already thinking about the greener grass. I appreciate the advice. I expected some people to say that if my sex life is lacking then it's not meant to be, but I think a relationship is more than just sex however strong the urges may be, that's not what is going to be left at the end of the day.
To complicate matters my bf is older than men I've dated (43) and sometimes has E.D. problems which can also put a damper on things so I think that's why I've been thinking about my hot, 29 year old Greek guy with lots of energy and stamina and a big....nevermind. lol
Has he considered Viagra?0 -
I struggle with this concept a lot too!
Although a relationship is more than sex, I'd encourage you not to undervalue that aspect of the relationship either.
I do think you can absolutely fantasize about others and/or remember how good things were with an ex.. and still be in a healthy monogamous relationship. Not sure I can though..it is not a good sign for me. Also, you do mention E.D. issues.. and while I don't think the person you decide to be with long term needs to be the best you've ever had, you still deserve to have it be satisfying and good.
I can see both sides. My ex had health issues and always had a MUCH lower drive than me, and basically we lived like roommates for 4 years. When I tried to discuss it or consider counselling etc. he just got really defensive, hurt or totally silent about it. So I went with not just no sex, but no real affection whatsoever for 4 years - because I loved someone, we had a good life and he was a really good person. Eventually though, his inability to discuss, fix or make an effort made me feel like a prisoner and about 75 years old.. and incredibly resentful. Which I took out on him by being snappy and sarcastic, then eventually not caring, and then I cheated on him at the very end. Not my finest moment..
So..sex is certainly not everything.. and your young Greek stud might be a terrible partner in life.. but really consider what you may be giving up on the other side too.0 -
Ok. I feel better. My rational side is far more evolved than my emotional side, so I would like to think that I would not get carried away with whimsy and can understand all the reasons why it's okay to want other people and that no, I don't have to do anything about it. I just have been worrying that I shouldn't be already thinking about the greener grass. I appreciate the advice. I expected some people to say that if my sex life is lacking then it's not meant to be, but I think a relationship is more than just sex however strong the urges may be, that's not what is going to be left at the end of the day.
To complicate matters my bf is older than men I've dated (43) and sometimes has E.D. problems which can also put a damper on things so I think that's why I've been thinking about my hot, 29 year old Greek guy with lots of energy and stamina and a big....nevermind. lol
LOL!! a big 'nevermind' eh!!!!! :laugh:
Viagra works wonders, so that should improve things :bigsmile:
Personally, I've never fantasised about someone else when I'm in ensconced in a relationship. But then, I've always been happy with my sex life within that relationship. If I wasn't happy I dont think I could stay in it. But then, I think that sex and affection is high on my list of priorities.
We're all different. It's really up to you to decide if this man does it for you or if you're just compromising. If I was a betting woman, I would say that 10 years down the road, you'll be off with the Greek guy!!
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Greek guy was fun but he was flaky and we didn't really talk but I don't think we had much in common. lol He comes around when he wants to, not reliable, not easy to be with. My bf is the first guy that I just felt at ease with. Like it's natural for us to be together. I'm still an aloof Aquarius, so I don't want to be with him 24/7 but I feel okay just being with him and doing nothing. And we communicate well and fit into each other's individual lives as well as social circle. So that is more important to me as I've had a lifetime I've 3 month lustful things, and a lot of the time, even those weren't good because I wasn't comfortable with my body or with the guy completely to really let go.
The E.D. does suck. It's not all the time. He was given Cialis or something but it's expensive. He lost his job a couple months ago and I think the stress of that contributes to the problem, plus now he has no health insurance to get the magic pills. He's also a smoker with high blood pressure. He was on meds for the blood pressure, not anymore. Bad thing is that high blood pressure causes ED, so does most of the medications to treat it. He says he's good to go in the morning but since we don't sleep together (me sleeps alone!) we don't really see each other at that time. lol I think that makes me just reluctant to get it going because I'm afraid to get worked up and then have things fall flat. And then he says that I don't initiate and don't seem interested, so double edged sword. I just wish sometimes it wasn't so much work to get some and didn't take so much patience. But anyway, he pleases me and is really good to me. The E.D. is just a damper but he can't help it and he tries and we talk about it so hopefully it will pass. He did say that the stuff they sell at gas stations and 7-11 does work, herbal stuff for hard ons. But it's expensive per dose too and he always hopes that he won't need it because he will get it up but it just won't stay all the time.
I'd let him sleep with someone else if I got a pass. ha ha. I dunno. I don't feel totally unsatisfied in my relationship and when everything is working, we are great most of the time. But I have a little lust for other guys. Oh well. I just won't be alone with any of them soon. I sowed my oats a long time and most of the time it was funner in theory than practice so not sure that's what I want to go back to.0 -
Awwww man, I'm sorry he's tight on money to buy the stuff right now. It really does work!! But yes, stress and high BP aren't helping the situation.
I'm sure things will improve in the future :flowerforyou:0 -
The E.D. does suck. It's not all the time. He was given Cialis or something but it's expensive. He lost his job a couple months ago and I think the stress of that contributes to the problem, plus now he has no health insurance to get the magic pills. He's also a smoker with high blood pressure. He was on meds for the blood pressure, not anymore. Bad thing is that high blood pressure causes ED, so does most of the medications to treat it.
A few general comments, since I don't know the people involved:
1 - Pity that for such a relatively rich country, the USA still has the most screwed up health care system among other developed countries. The guy loses his job and loses health insurance! It's ridiculous, and a bit sad that Americans don't understand how unfair they have it vis-a-vis the rest of the developed world. But everyone is so brainwashed...
2 - This is a fitness site. It sounds like your bf needs to get in shape pronto. He's a smoker, he has high blood pressure. You don't mention it but my guess is he's overweight, like most Americans. And surprise surprise, he needs medication. His appetite for sex - and ability to perform - will probably increase significantly with a bit of exercise and change in diet. Not to mention the smoking. He probably doesn't need pills, but a healthier lifestyle.
3 - It's normal to have the sex drive slow down in middle age. But 41 is hardly old. 61, ok, but 41? He needs to make some lifestyle changes. He's about to lose his girlfriend, you'd think that would be a big motivator. He doesn't need to be a fitness freak. But he does need to take much better care of himself, since his health is a huge contributor to your overall happiness.
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Patrick - You just reminded me to take my BP. I think I just lost my boner tho!!! :laugh:
I know you have a love/hate relationship with America, but really, it's not the guy's fault he's stressed, living in a 'world' recession and having to cope with healthcare politics. You can't get Viagra here on the NHS either, UNLESS you have an irreversible health condition. The last thing you feel like doing when you're down in the dumps is exercising and eating right!! It can happen to the best of us? A little more empathy perhaps?? :flowerforyou:0 -
Patrick - You just reminded me to take my BP. I think I just lost my boner tho!!! :laugh:
I know you have a love/hate relationship with America, but really, it's not the guy's fault he's stressed, living in a 'world' recession and having to cope with healthcare politics. You can't get Viagra here on the NHS either, UNLESS you have an irreversible health condition. The last thing you feel like doing when you're down in the dumps is exercising and eating right!! It can happen to the best of us? A little more empathy perhaps?? :flowerforyou:
Can you get medication for high blood pressure in the UK?
And I don't agree that the "last thing" he should do is exercise and eat right. It's the first thing he should do. He will probably feel a lot better. Perhaps save quite a bit of money on medication. Not to mention get more action between the sheets (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).
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1 - Pity that for such a relatively rich country, the USA still has the most screwed up health care system among other developed countries. The guy loses his job and loses health insurance! It's ridiculous, and a bit sad that Americans don't understand how unfair they have it vis-a-vis the rest of the developed world. But everyone is so brainwashed...
Maybe it's because the Mayo clinic is in Rochester MN, but I have taken notice in my lifetime that all the rich and world leaders from both developed and under developed countries flock to the USA to have their conditions treated. While our system isn't perfect, the one we're heading toward is much worse. Health insurance should go back to major medical, and people should pay for check ups and small healthcare needs out of their own pocket.
I do agree that under any system, insurance shouldn't be tied to an employer... if you look back to the 08' election, McCain was promoting switching insurance to the individual.0 -
Maybe it's because the Mayo clinic is in Rochester MN, but I have taken notice in my lifetime that all the rich and world leaders from both developed and under developed countries flock to the USA to have their conditions treated. While our system isn't perfect, the one we're heading toward is much worse. Health insurance should go back to major medical, and people should pay for check ups and small healthcare needs out of their own pocket.
I do agree that under any system, insurance shouldn't be tied to an employer... if you look back to the 08' election, McCain was promoting switching insurance to the individual.
The rich and powerful come to the US for treatment. Why not? If you have a lot of cash, you can get great treatment. On the other hand, about 8 million American children have no insurance, and many more are underinsured.
Also, as this site explains (http://www.childrensdefense.org/policy-priorities/childrens-health/uninsured-children/):
Despite outspending all other countries in health care, the United States ranks among the lowest of industrialized nations on key indicators of the quality of child health and closely linked with health coverage. These indicators include pre-natal and infant health care, low birthweight rates, infant mortality, and child immunizations.
As for American adults, around 25% have no healthcare coverage. See here, for example: http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm6139a9.htm
For young adults, around 1/3 in rural areas have no coverage.
So yes, while the president of Sudan may choose to fly to the Mayo clinic for his cancer treatment, Bubba in Alabama is probably not going to have the same option. Nor will his kids.
--P0 -
Maybe it's because the Mayo clinic is in Rochester MN, but I have taken notice in my lifetime that all the rich and world leaders from both developed and under developed countries flock to the USA to have their conditions treated. While our system isn't perfect, the one we're heading toward is much worse. Health insurance should go back to major medical, and people should pay for check ups and small healthcare needs out of their own pocket.
I do agree that under any system, insurance shouldn't be tied to an employer... if you look back to the 08' election, McCain was promoting switching insurance to the individual.
The rich and powerful come to the US for treatment. Why not? If you have a lot of cash, you can get great treatment. On the other hand, about 8 million American children have no insurance, and many more are underinsured.
Also, as this site explains (http://www.childrensdefense.org/policy-priorities/childrens-health/uninsured-children/):
Despite outspending all other countries in health care, the United States ranks among the lowest of industrialized nations on key indicators of the quality of child health and closely linked with health coverage. These indicators include pre-natal and infant health care, low birthweight rates, infant mortality, and child immunizations.
As for American adults, around 25% have no healthcare coverage. See here, for example: http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm6139a9.htm
For young adults, around 1/3 in rural areas have no coverage.
So yes, while the president of Sudan may choose to fly to the Mayo clinic for his cancer treatment, Bubba in Alabama is probably not going to have the same option. Nor will his kids.
--P
I'm sure your statistics are right on... I'm just saying, why would they pass up free treatment and pay the high expense in the USA if both treatments are equal?? Personally I'll pay for the best, and Budda's needs are his responsibility, Poncho's needs are mine.0 -
The E.D. does suck. It's not all the time. He was given Cialis or something but it's expensive. He lost his job a couple months ago and I think the stress of that contributes to the problem, plus now he has no health insurance to get the magic pills. He's also a smoker with high blood pressure. He was on meds for the blood pressure, not anymore. Bad thing is that high blood pressure causes ED, so does most of the medications to treat it.
A few general comments, since I don't know the people involved:
1 - Pity that for such a relatively rich country, the USA still has the most screwed up health care system among other developed countries. The guy loses his job and loses health insurance! It's ridiculous, and a bit sad that Americans don't understand how unfair they have it vis-a-vis the rest of the developed world. But everyone is so brainwashed...
2 - This is a fitness site. It sounds like your bf needs to get in shape pronto. He's a smoker, he has high blood pressure. You don't mention it but my guess is he's overweight, like most Americans. And surprise surprise, he needs medication. His appetite for sex - and ability to perform - will probably increase significantly with a bit of exercise and change in diet. Not to mention the smoking. He probably doesn't need pills, but a healthier lifestyle.
3 - It's normal to have the sex drive slow down in middle age. But 41 is hardly old. 61, ok, but 41? He needs to make some lifestyle changes. He's about to lose his girlfriend, you'd think that would be a big motivator. He doesn't need to be a fitness freak. But he does need to take much better care of himself, since his health is a huge contributor to your overall happiness.
--P
He does work out. Weights three times a week and he walks hills with his dog. He is a big, broad guy in general but can definitely stand to lose 40-50lbs. He does not know how to cook so he may not eat enough some days but then eats crap like pop tarts and saltines. I would be interested in him doing a profile to see how many calories he should eat and see if he can fill them with quality food. Sometimes it just sounds like he ate 800 calories of white flour basically. I cook a couple times a week but we don't see each other every day. But then again, I don't want him on MFP to see these posts. I would never tell my friends IRL because I don't want then to have that image of him, but I'm sure it contributes to me thinking about sex with other dudes.
He's turning 43 and has smoked for 20 plus years. That is a big thing that worries me. I used to smoke and I quit 7 years ago. Hanging with him means sometimes now I socially smoke which isn't what I want for me or him. He tried to quit for a week but being bored and not having a job is not the time to make such a big change. So definitely contributing factors. The boner thing isn't a deal breaker yet. And even with insurance the erection pills were very expensive. Didn't think I'd be thinking about those things until in my (our) 70's!0 -
I'm sure your statistics are right on... I'm just saying, why would they pass up free treatment and pay the high expense in the USA if both treatments are equal?? Personally I'll pay for the best, and Budda's needs are his responsibility, Poncho's needs are mine.
The treatment at the Mayo clinic is better than treatment in the Sudan. Sudan is a third world country, after all... I don't think you'll find too many Germans, for example, traveling to the US for treatment. And for those that do, I can always point to many Americans who travel abroad for treatment. Usually because they can't afford the operation in the US.
It all depends on what kind of system you want. "I'll pay for mine, let Bubba pay for his" is fine, so long as you have no issue with a significant portion of the population being without insurance. Including million of kids. And in the end, you are paying 2-3x more than most Europeans for your health insurance.
But I think we've strayed a bit far from the point of the OP, which was her Greek stud lover, and her current beau's erectile issues. Or have we?
--P0 -
I'm sure your statistics are right on... I'm just saying, why would they pass up free treatment and pay the high expense in the USA if both treatments are equal?? Personally I'll pay for the best, and Budda's needs are his responsibility, Poncho's needs are mine.
The treatment at the Mayo clinic is better than treatment in the Sudan. Sudan is a third world country, after all... I don't think you'll find too many Germans, for example, traveling to the US for treatment. And for those that do, I can always point to many Americans who travel abroad for treatment. Usually because they can't afford the operation in the US.
It all depends on what kind of system you want. "I'll pay for mine, let Bubba pay for his" is fine, so long as you have no issue with a significant portion of the population being without insurance. Including million of kids. And in the end, you are paying 2-3x more than most Europeans for your health insurance.
But I think we've strayed a bit far from the point of the OP, which was her Greek stud lover, and her current beau's erectile issues. Or have we?
--P
No doubt I agree that healthcare cost are way out of hand here in the USA, but I don't think giving it away is the answer, because all that does is make life harder for the productive and lazier for the unproductive. I think our difference lays in the individual vs. the collective. I'm obviously more for the individual... is it sad that kids don't have insurance, yes, however I can't afford kids and have made every last effort not to have them for that reason. People need to be held accountable to a degree for their own actions and life!
Anyway yes, we don't want to jack her post and it's Saturday... time to hit the trails!!!0 -
Maybe it's because the Mayo clinic is in Rochester MN, but I have taken notice in my lifetime that all the rich and world leaders from both developed and under developed countries flock to the USA to have their conditions treated. While our system isn't perfect, the one we're heading toward is much worse. Health insurance should go back to major medical, and people should pay for check ups and small healthcare needs out of their own pocket.
I do agree that under any system, insurance shouldn't be tied to an employer... if you look back to the 08' election, McCain was promoting switching insurance to the individual.
The rich and powerful come to the US for treatment. Why not? If you have a lot of cash, you can get great treatment. On the other hand, about 8 million American children have no insurance, and many more are underinsured.
Also, as this site explains (http://www.childrensdefense.org/policy-priorities/childrens-health/uninsured-children/):
Despite outspending all other countries in health care, the United States ranks among the lowest of industrialized nations on key indicators of the quality of child health and closely linked with health coverage. These indicators include pre-natal and infant health care, low birthweight rates, infant mortality, and child immunizations.
As for American adults, around 25% have no healthcare coverage. See here, for example: http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm6139a9.htm
For young adults, around 1/3 in rural areas have no coverage.
So yes, while the president of Sudan may choose to fly to the Mayo clinic for his cancer treatment, Bubba in Alabama is probably not going to have the same option. Nor will his kids.
--P
I'm sure your statistics are right on... I'm just saying, why would they pass up free treatment and pay the high expense in the USA if both treatments are equal?? Personally I'll pay for the best, and Budda's needs are his responsibility, Poncho's needs are mine.
The ironic thing is that one of the biggest booms in the Indian economy is healthcare. A major driver of that boom is that the medical centers are catering to middle class Americans who can fly to India and have major surgery cheaper than they can get the same procedures done in the U. S.0 -
This thread has provoked the following in me:
1. Intense happiness at being subject to the Canadian medical system, which, while not perfect is pretty damn awesome.
2. Sadness for the OP's bf - I swear...my ex sounds VERY similar.
3. Jealousy - I want a young Greek lover now.. lol0 -
Maybe it's because the Mayo clinic is in Rochester MN, but I have taken notice in my lifetime that all the rich and world leaders from both developed and under developed countries flock to the USA to have their conditions treated. While our system isn't perfect, the one we're heading toward is much worse. Health insurance should go back to major medical, and people should pay for check ups and small healthcare needs out of their own pocket.
I do agree that under any system, insurance shouldn't be tied to an employer... if you look back to the 08' election, McCain was promoting switching insurance to the individual.
The rich and powerful come to the US for treatment. Why not? If you have a lot of cash, you can get great treatment. On the other hand, about 8 million American children have no insurance, and many more are underinsured.
Also, as this site explains (http://www.childrensdefense.org/policy-priorities/childrens-health/uninsured-children/):
Despite outspending all other countries in health care, the United States ranks among the lowest of industrialized nations on key indicators of the quality of child health and closely linked with health coverage. These indicators include pre-natal and infant health care, low birthweight rates, infant mortality, and child immunizations.
As for American adults, around 25% have no healthcare coverage. See here, for example: http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm6139a9.htm
For young adults, around 1/3 in rural areas have no coverage.
So yes, while the president of Sudan may choose to fly to the Mayo clinic for his cancer treatment, Bubba in Alabama is probably not going to have the same option. Nor will his kids.
--P
I'm sure your statistics are right on... I'm just saying, why would they pass up free treatment and pay the high expense in the USA if both treatments are equal?? Personally I'll pay for the best, and Budda's needs are his responsibility, Poncho's needs are mine.
The ironic thing is that one of the biggest booms in the Indian economy is healthcare. A major driver of that boom is that the medical centers are catering to middle class Americans who can fly to India and have major surgery cheaper than they can get the same procedures done in the U. S.
It's cheaper due to the lack of law suits, regulation, and Govt. interference... otherwise why wouldn't they just do that here??
Fullofwhimsey, I've heard the wait on a regular ACL surgery is 6+ months in Canada... can't prove if this is true though.0
