dating a woman with kids
moonshadows72
Posts: 180 Member
So I met a woman through our church singles group. We started talking and we seem to have a lot in common. weve been talking for a week now over txts and calls, yesterday I joined her for church. I really like this woman and Id like to persue more.
The issue is that she has 2 kids. Now dont get me wrong, I love kids! I dont have a problem with her having children. My only concern is that she has the kids 100% and she also works full time. So It will likely be difficult to get much time together for dates... Ill admit, Ive never dated anyone with children before so its all kinda new to me.
Anyone here have any recomendations for date ideas that would help make things a little more convient?
with kids and without.
The issue is that she has 2 kids. Now dont get me wrong, I love kids! I dont have a problem with her having children. My only concern is that she has the kids 100% and she also works full time. So It will likely be difficult to get much time together for dates... Ill admit, Ive never dated anyone with children before so its all kinda new to me.
Anyone here have any recomendations for date ideas that would help make things a little more convient?
with kids and without.
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Replies
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So I met a woman through our church singles group. We started talking and we seem to have a lot in common. weve been talking for a week now over txts and calls, yesterday I joined her for church. I really like this woman and Id like to persue more.
The issue is that she has 2 kids. Now dont get me wrong, I love kids! I dont have a problem with her having children. My only concern is that she has the kids 100% and she also works full time. So It will likely be difficult to get much time together for dates... Ill admit, Ive never dated anyone with children before so its all kinda new to me.
Anyone here have any recomendations for date ideas that would help make things a little more convient?
with kids and without.
Heh. My ex wife when we started dating had kids. It was new to me as well but the good news is, it isn't nearly as complex as you think.
Most of the time women do not want a "stranger" (and let us face it, if you just started dating this girl you are a stranger) to be introduced to their kids.
That being said she will probably not want you to interact with her kids UNTIL she decides you are a good guy, or she decides you have some long term potential.
All that being said, as far as date ideals go it won't (or shouldn't) affect the types of dates you have.
Just do things she likes to do. Most of the time your dates will be kidless.0 -
So I met a woman through our church singles group. We started talking and we seem to have a lot in common. weve been talking for a week now over txts and calls, yesterday I joined her for church. I really like this woman and Id like to persue more.
The issue is that she has 2 kids. Now dont get me wrong, I love kids! I dont have a problem with her having children. My only concern is that she has the kids 100% and she also works full time. So It will likely be difficult to get much time together for dates... Ill admit, Ive never dated anyone with children before so its all kinda new to me.
Anyone here have any recomendations for date ideas that would help make things a little more convient?
with kids and without.
Heh. My ex wife when we started dating had kids. It was new to me as well but the good news is, it isn't nearly as complex as you think.
Most of the time women do not want a "stranger" (and let us face it, if you just started dating this girl you are a stranger) to be introduced to their kids.
That being said she will probably not want you to interact with her kids UNTIL she decides you are a good guy, or she decides you have some long term potential.
All that being said, as far as date ideals go it won't (or shouldn't) affect the types of dates you have.
Just do things she likes to do. Most of the time your dates will be kidless.
Exactly. I have a four year old son and I have always been really careful about introducing him to anyone I dated. To get to the kid introduction part was a big deal. When I dated, I did it on the nights when he was with his father or I got a babysitter. Just ask what her availability is and see if the kids ever go to their dad's. Eventually, if all goes well, you can do stuff with the kids but remember to keep the one on one dates happening too.
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The last two people I dated both have kids. How old are the kids? Planning a date with the kids can be fun especially if you’re a big kid at heart. Movie… kids movies now days are fun for kids and adults alike. Bowling… a seven year old has just as much chance with a strike as I do which is fun. Not sure what part of the country you live but miniature golf is always a winner. A science center and zoo are other big hits.0
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So I met a woman through our church singles group. We started talking and we seem to have a lot in common. weve been talking for a week now over txts and calls, yesterday I joined her for church. I really like this woman and Id like to persue more.
The issue is that she has 2 kids. Now dont get me wrong, I love kids! I dont have a problem with her having children. My only concern is that she has the kids 100% and she also works full time. So It will likely be difficult to get much time together for dates... Ill admit, Ive never dated anyone with children before so its all kinda new to me.
Anyone here have any recomendations for date ideas that would help make things a little more convient?
with kids and without.
Heh. My ex wife when we started dating had kids. It was new to me as well but the good news is, it isn't nearly as complex as you think.
Most of the time women do not want a "stranger" (and let us face it, if you just started dating this girl you are a stranger) to be introduced to their kids.
That being said she will probably not want you to interact with her kids UNTIL she decides you are a good guy, or she decides you have some long term potential.
All that being said, as far as date ideals go it won't (or shouldn't) affect the types of dates you have.
Just do things she likes to do. Most of the time your dates will be kidless.
Exactly. I have a four year old son and I have always been really careful about introducing him to anyone I dated. To get to the kid introduction part was a big deal. When I dated, I did it on the nights when he was with his father or I got a babysitter. Just ask what her availability is and see if the kids ever go to their dad's. Eventually, if all goes well, you can do stuff with the kids but remember to keep the one on one dates happening too.
This! I have a 9 year old daughter and that was never a problem with my dating. She goes to her dates every other weekend and if I choose to do things on other nights I would get a sitter. I generally like to be able to do things at least once a week with a guy I am actively dating so yeah I had to arrange for a sitter or a sleepover for my daughter on occasion. No big deal.
I don't introduce my daughter to anyone I date unless it is going somewhere. So far she has only met one guy I dated and we never got to the point of doing things with our kids along before we broke things off.0 -
I agree with all the posters.
As a single mom who has her kids 100% of the time, it really isn't a big issue.
I have a few babysitters and I also have the kid's father who takes them when he isn't working.
I can go out and do anything that I want, sometimes I just have to be mindful of the babysitter's hours if they aren't with their dad.
Also agree that it takes some time for someone to introduce you to their kids. Don't be insulted, take it that she is a good mom!!!!
I have only introduced my kids to one man, I would say it was 1.5 months in (hindsight maybe too soon, but we did date for 9 months) he had kids so outtings were easier - but really anything, movies, minigolf, bowling, amusement parks, zoo. It's easy to amuse kids.
Kid's aren't a complex issue, I have quite a social life regardless of same. It's too bad when people pass over us single moms
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her kids are 7 and 5. because of how we met, (at church) I was given a brief introduction to her kids and her and I talked for an hr while they played. Unfortunatly for them, theyre dad isent really around at all. She has them 100% so date nights when the kids are at their dads isent an option.
I am a big kid at heart lol. I have no problem having movie nights or dinner and games with the kids at my place or theirs. But I dont think were to the point yet where I should be very involved in the kids lives.
I guess a sitter can be a good option, but Im sure it can get expensive quick.0 -
her kids are 7 and 5. because of how we met, (at church) I was given a brief introduction to her kids and her and I talked for an hr while they played. Unfortunatly for them, theyre dad isent really around at all. She has them 100% so date nights when the kids are at their dads isent an option.
I am a big kid at heart lol. I have no problem having movie nights or dinner and games with the kids at my place or theirs. But I dont think were to the point yet where I should be very involved in the kids lives.
I guess a sitter can be a good option, but Im sure it can get expensive quick.
I don't have a set schedule with the kid's dad, so I do use a sitter alot. It can get pricey, but it is, what it is. I try not to use a sitter more than once a weekend though, so if I wanted to go somewhere late or overnight, I would ask a friend. If you want to date, there are ways
The nice thing is that you did meet them at church, so they are familiar to you and the surroundings. That is a positive.
Thing big thing here to remember is that, yes she has her kids alot, but you TWO only need to form a relationship first aside from kids. You need to nurture that and see where it goes. Don't mix the two, too early.0 -
Kid's aren't a complex issue, I have quite a social life regardless of same. It's too bad when people pass over us single moms
Yes it is too bad that single moms sometimes get passed over because guys see the kids as an issue. With some single moms (and single dads, too), they may make the kids an issue when they really aren't. Generally if they use the kids as an issue it is that they themselves are not really wanting to date. I have a single mom friend that uses the excuse of no sitter as an excuse not to date and I have a guy friend that uses his son and needing to spend time with him as an excuse (he has his son 50% of the time and he's 14). He and I dated for a few months but decided we make better friends but on weekends when he had his son, a lot of the time the son was staying at a friend's house or off doing something else without him. This would un-nerve me because we couldn't do anything that weekend because it was his weekend with his son but then I would find out the son was off doing something else and the guy was hanging out with his buddies. I understand the need for time to yourself and time with your buddies, but don't use time with your son as an excuse if that is not the case. As I said he had the other 50% of the time for that. In the end he finally said he wasn't looking for a relationship and only wanted to be friends. So instead of telling me that from the beginning, he used his son as an excuse to limit his time with me.0 -
I don't have kids, BUT my best friend has one child and when she was single and dad was not very involved.......she would have the guy come over after her daughter was asleep to watch a movie or whatever. I have had a single dadssuggest this as well for a dates with me. Another option is if you offer to pay the sitter sometimes.......that might help?0
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Yes after a few dates, the coming over to her place after the kids are in bed to watch a movie would probably work just fine, too. And as kimad said if you want to date you will find a way whether it's getting a sitter for dates or having friends or relatives (if she has any nearby) to watch the kids for her. If there is a will, there is a way.0
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Kid's aren't a complex issue, I have quite a social life regardless of same. It's too bad when people pass over us single moms
Yes it is too bad that single moms sometimes get passed over because guys see the kids as an issue. With some single moms (and single dads, too), they may make the kids an issue when they really aren't. Generally if they use the kids as an issue it is that they themselves are not really wanting to date. I have a single mom friend that uses the excuse of no sitter as an excuse not to date and I have a guy friend that uses his son and needing to spend time with him as an excuse (he has his son 50% of the time and he's 14). He and I dated for a few months but decided we make better friends but on weekends when he had his son, a lot of the time the son was staying at a friend's house or off doing something else without him. This would un-nerve me because we couldn't do anything that weekend because it was his weekend with his son but then I would find out the son was off doing something else and the guy was hanging out with his buddies. I understand the need for time to yourself and time with your buddies, but don't use time with your son as an excuse if that is not the case. As I said he had the other 50% of the time for that. In the end he finally said he wasn't looking for a relationship and only wanted to be friends. So instead of telling me that from the beginning, he used his son as an excuse to limit his time with me.
I agree, so many times people use their kids as an excuse. Sometimes I think it is an excuse not to date, and other times I think they honestly feel bad and devote all their time to them. I personally want to date and meet someone, so I strive for a healthy balance. What you are saying would frustrate me too. Most men I have dated had their kids every second weekend, but the last one had his one week on, one week off. I would still see him on his kid weekend, he would go to his uncles. I don't know, it just depends how serious the person is.
I do say to the OP though, you need to be sensitive of her availability. Sometimes babysitters aren't available or cancel. She also has their committments.
I am ok either way if the man has kids or not... I tend to lean more to having kids (if they are good involved dads) but seperated men are a dealbreaker. You need to be 100% divorced.0 -
I don't have kids, BUT my best friend has one child and when she was single and dad was not very involved.......she would have the guy come over after her daughter was asleep to watch a movie or whatever. I have had a single dadssuggest this as well for a dates with me. Another option is if you offer to pay the sitter sometimes.......that might help?
I did this ALL the time, once we were at a point to have house visits lol....
I would never let a man pay my babysitter, that's just me... maybe offer to pay an extra date or something (depending what your set up is when you get there)0 -
I do say to the OP though, you need to be sensitive of her availability. Sometimes babysitters aren't available or cancel. She also has their committments.
I am ok either way if the man has kids or not... I tend to lean more to having kids (if they are good involved dads) but seperated men are a dealbreaker. You need to be 100% divorced.
This!0 -
If you offer to do thing like going to the park were you can talk while the children play ect you will get more time. But be understanding children get sick babysitters cancel ect. Also if you know someone whose a good babysitter (sister ect) and offer her as a sacrafice it goes a long way lol0
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As a single mom, I say goooooooo for it!
My only real advice is to keep the kids out of the picture until you are 100% positive about your feelings towards her, and that you guys can be a successful couple. I learned this the hard way with my most recent ex.
It might mean you have to see her less than someone without kids. But you can also visit after the kids go to sleep. Or rely on her excellent babysitter-finding skills. If money is an issue, there are friends and relatives. Or others from her church. Some single parents groups also offer babysitting coops, she might already know about some.
Good luck!!!0 -
My current girlfriend has split custody but I don't think it would really work out we didn't have Tuesdays and every other weekend to do our own thing. I wouldn't feel good about her getting a sitter a couple times a week for a few months or until things got more comfortable. Even after 8 months I like hanging out with her and the kids but I still enjoy our alone time a lot more (and not only because of sex).her kids are 7 and 5. because of how we met, (at church) I was given a brief introduction to her kids and her and I talked for an hr while they played. Unfortunatly for them, theyre dad isent really around at all. She has them 100% so date nights when the kids are at their dads isent an option.
I am a big kid at heart lol. I have no problem having movie nights or dinner and games with the kids at my place or theirs. But I dont think were to the point yet where I should be very involved in the kids lives.
I guess a sitter can be a good option, but Im sure it can get expensive quick.
It just gets more complicated. I would have a long discussion about how things would work out. Ask her how many times a week she'd be able to hang out without the kids and ask yourself if that is for you. You also need to consider holidays, vacations, etc. And ask yourself if things do work out, are you ready to basically be a full time dad?0 -
Im sure I could help cover the cost of a sitter if she lets me. And I really like the idea of the movie after kids go to bed.
I guess it generaly means although your not likely to get a lot of long dates when dating someone with kids, you can always increase the quality of the date. I also immagine that anything spontanious isent usualy possible, so theres a lot of planning ahead for time. (all new to me... not so good at it lol) But Im sure that I can find ways to make the nights quality rather than quantity.0 -
Parents are people... But they are responsible people!
I think I am personally too irresponsible for all this and probably wouldn't be a good match with a single parent.
And also I wouldn't be a good example for the kids.0 -
Good thinkingBut Im sure that I can find ways to make the nights quality rather than quantity. 0 -
Parents are people... But they are responsible people!
I think I am personally too irresponsible for all this and probably wouldn't be a good match with a single parent.
And also I wouldn't be a good example for the kids.
Funny you should said this. I was just kind of thinking the same. I am possibly too selfish to date someone knowing that they will always put their kids before me.
I like kids a lot, though I don't necessarily want my relationship or world revolving around them..particularly in the early stages.0 -
I also immagine that anything spontanious isent usualy possible, so theres a lot of planning ahead for time. (all new to me... not so good at it lol)
Yes and no, depends!! I can do anything I want with atleast a little bit of timing, but even as a single mom I packed up and flew to Vegas with less than 24 hours notice becuase the stars aligned. But generally we need a bit of notice if it isn't a kid free weekend or whatnot.0 -
I agree with the posts above.
I'm a single mom with 100% custody of my two kids (mine are a little older). Their dad is 12 hours away and rarely sees them. I also don't have any family in the area to help watch them. This definitely keeps some men away, however that just affirms to me that they weren't right anyway. Just a couple of things that I didn't see posted above...
Making time - Now that mine are older, my son babysits. This makes is so much easier to get out for short dates, however when they were younger I was only able to get out about once a week. I would get creative, though and do lunch or a quick coffee before picking them up from daycare. Anything possible to maximize the time. After I knew the man, he was welcome to come over after they were in bed. This was often the case and worked out great. Once I introduced the kids it made life so much easier. We could alternate evenings at each other's houses, go to the park, bowling, children's museum, etc.
Meeting the kids - Since you already know each other through church, it's much easier to get to know the kids safely. But, it has a potential for being heartbreaking as well... The kids already know you as a friendly face through church. If you start to get closer and see each other outside of church, you're not only forming a relationship with her, but also them. Keep it at the "friend" level for as long as possible until you know it's more serious (no PDA in front of the kids). If things go south in the relationship, kids get hurt as well. That part is bad enough, then you add in seeing each other every week.0 -
I've got two kids (physical custody) and zero dates. The only advice I'd give is to be extra patient with her.0
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Thanks so much for this thread. I have two great boys and recently seperated. I haven't step out into the dating world yet, but wondering how this all would work. It was nice to hear a man's POV as well. I like that there were some who said they wouldn't date someone with kids. Prefer honesty. Makes me think how I will try to work these things out once I decide to step out there.0
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Parents are people... But they are responsible people!
I think I am personally too irresponsible for all this and probably wouldn't be a good match with a single parent.
And also I wouldn't be a good example for the kids.
Funny you should said this. I was just kind of thinking the same. I am possibly too selfish to date someone knowing that they will always put their kids before me.
I like kids a lot, though I don't necessarily want my relationship or world revolving around them..particularly in the early stages.
Yeah me too. I'm not done being a kid myself yet. I like playing with them and getting into trouble and stuff but I don't want to actually be responsible if I can help it (I already have to budget and pay rent, geez).
I would say otherwise you've gotten a ton of really great advice. Overall communicate with the lady on what works for her and how you can make it work. I think by expressing that you are willing to meet halfway will make her appreciate you even more (especially on sitter costs if necessary!)0 -
I have my son 100% of the time. This can present a challenge in dating, but OTOH there are no ex/baby-daddy-drama issues so that really makes it easier for any man in my life. In addition to the below, I've got some tips for you:
- shoot for dates that don't require her to be away from the kids too much extra (things like early dinner while the kids are still at school/day care, coffee during a work break, stuff during the kid's other activities, etc)
- For example: a lot of church events have free childcare so that's an avenue for more time spent together. I used to take my son to Awanas at a church that did not have an adult activity then (no Bible study or anything) so I would drop him off at Awanas and then go out on a quick date. I also did quick dates during his practices (though I never missed a game to go on a date, my son often practiced a LOT better if I was absent).
- Another example: his aftercare will keep him til 6pm, so I did a lot of early dinner dates skipping lunch and leaving work a little early. Some guys don't like early dinner or otherwise "short" dates but it kept me from having my son at daycare all day and then dropping him off with a sitter for even MORE time (not healthy for the kid). Plus there was no extra babysitting cost.
- Also, since you met at church singles group, activities there are a great way to hang out in a group, let the kids get to know you without it being a "mommy and her new man" thing. When I was dating the guy before BB, my son only saw him at my friends house for football parties. A year later, I felt comfortable going on weekend trips with him because my son had already gotten to know him for a year and they got along well.If you offer to do thing like going to the park were you can talk while the children play ect you will get more time. But be understanding children get sick babysitters cancel ect. Also if you know someone whose a good babysitter (sister ect) and offer her as a sacrafice it goes a long way lol
This absolutely!!! Park dates are awesome if the kids are old enough to play on their own. To the kids it looks like mommy is just talking with another parent.
Babysitters cancel and sometimes it's hard to find people you trust with your kids. Also, good sitters are expensive...$10 an hour where I live is the usual rate, more if you really wanna guarantee a sitter won't bail on you...which feeds into this:Im sure I could help cover the cost of a sitter if she lets me. And I really like the idea of the movie after kids go to bed.
Both of these are awesome!!! My friend's husband paid for her sitters each date from day 1 and it totally blew her mind. I've not had a guy do that but I was happy for her. This is one of those reasons I get upset when men insist I'm not "contributing" when I go out on a date. A normal date is $40-$50 in babysitting, and often for a 1st or 2nd date I'm spending more in sitting than he is on our meal.
Edit to add: I just noticed that Run already said everything I just did. Lol!0 -
So I met a woman through our church singles group. We started talking and we seem to have a lot in common. weve been talking for a week now over txts and calls, yesterday I joined her for church. I really like this woman and Id like to persue more.
The issue is that she has 2 kids. Now dont get me wrong, I love kids! I dont have a problem with her having children. My only concern is that she has the kids 100% and she also works full time. So It will likely be difficult to get much time together for dates... Ill admit, Ive never dated anyone with children before so its all kinda new to me.
Anyone here have any recomendations for date ideas that would help make things a little more convient?
with kids and without.
Heh. My ex wife when we started dating had kids. It was new to me as well but the good news is, it isn't nearly as complex as you think.
Most of the time women do not want a "stranger" (and let us face it, if you just started dating this girl you are a stranger) to be introduced to their kids.
That being said she will probably not want you to interact with her kids UNTIL she decides you are a good guy, or she decides you have some long term potential.
All that being said, as far as date ideals go it won't (or shouldn't) affect the types of dates you have.
Just do things she likes to do. Most of the time your dates will be kidless.
Exactly. I have a four year old son and I have always been really careful about introducing him to anyone I dated. To get to the kid introduction part was a big deal. When I dated, I did it on the nights when he was with his father or I got a babysitter. Just ask what her availability is and see if the kids ever go to their dad's. Eventually, if all goes well, you can do stuff with the kids but remember to keep the one on one dates happening too.
This... Well said!0 -
My daugter is my #1 priority; I know that I am not willing or able to give an SO the time and attention that they deserve. Thats why I have an FWB not an SO.
Go slow; earn her trust. Dont stress over the kids until she is ready to introduce you.0
