I don't think of myself as a success story. But, what I know is this:

Almost two years ago, I weighed between 98 and 105 lbs every day. My goal was to keep it around 100. I was barely eating enough to fuel an 8-year old child, and I tried to burn at least twice as much as I ate during my workouts. I would go hard and fast on the elliptical for an hour in the morning, and in the evening, I'd do one of Jillian's videos. If I hadn't burned enough calories, I'd either do another video or hop on the elliptical again. There were times on the weekends I would go downstairs to the basement where my gym is and hit that elliptical three times in one day. Three times for at least an hour each. I'd even go in the middle of the night, after everyone was asleep, if I felt like I needed one more workout.

I'm only 5'2, but I looked like a child.

Late last spring, I started P90X. I started to gain a little bit, but not much. Around the same time, I found EM2WL and decided I couldn't keep doing what I was doing to my body anymore. What Kiki and Lucia taught made sense. I was terrified, but I upped my calories. I was still working out twice a day - elliptical in the morning, P90X in the evening. But no more than that. And I decided to up my calories. Just a little. I was terrified to up them too many, but I upped them all the way to 1500. And sometimes, I actually ate more than that.

As you can imagine, I gained weight. I didn't like it at all.

Then I made it worse.

Over the summer, right before I finished P90X, we went on vacation. And I ATE. I didn't eat bad foods, and I didn't eat until everyone went to bed. It was bad. ED came back with a vengeance, only this time, instead of not eating, instead of binging and purging, I just binged. I hated this bloated body - bloated from eating again and from lifting weights. I was so depressed that I lost control. It also didn't help that our hostess drinks like a fish, so I'd drink all day to keep up with her. And then after everyone went to bed, I binged on everything from turkey jerky to the fat free Pringles I brought with me. When I think about those 10 days, I am disgusted and humiliated.

By the end of the summer, I was about 117, and I was bloated. Half, I think, from eating and drinking too much and half from then starting NROLFW. I had to buy new pants. I went from 00 to 2s or 4s. Tops went from Extra Small to Small or Medium, and I hated myself. I HATED myself. And I still tried to do enough cardio on top of the weights to burn at least 400-500 calories a day. I was very depressed and couldn't stand to look at myself. My poor husband did what he could to make me feel sexy, but nothing helped. I stopped weighing myself because the number were too depressing, and I was so tempted to purge my meals, if I decided to eat them. I was on the verge of falling back into ED.

I stopped NROLFW. I started doing cardio again. Only an hour or so a day, but straight cardio. It didn't take long for that to bore me so much and wear out my body so completely that I had to do something. I felt helpless and disgusting and still considered not eating again.

But I kept eating. I started P90X again. I am not working out an hour of straight cardio every day alongside the lifting. In fact, I'm only doing cardio once or twice a week, and it's some form of HIIT, something fun, something I enjoy. I'm not eating what I should, but it's a heck of a lot more than I ate a year ago. I lost several inches all around. I knew this not from measuring but from fitting back into pants I'd almost thrown out. Some I did actually throw out.

Saturday, I stepped on the scale. - after measuring my waist at 23.5 without tightening the tape lol - and saw 128!!! I weigh 128 pounds!!! But...I can wear the pants I used to wear (though they're tight), and I know my thighs are smaller, and my waist is smaller, and my hips...my arms I'm not too sure and should probably start measuring them and really still hate them but...

How can I be wearing a pair of kids size 14 jeggings from Target right now...like I used to...and still weight 128???

The number has disturbed me. Not enough to go back to my old ways. More like...just disbelief. I don't feel like I weigh that much. In fact most websites would take that weight and my height and give me a high BMI.

I'm just...this is GOOD right? I need reassurance.

I owe so much to Kiki and Lucia and all of you here. Not only do you guys have your own lives and health journeys, but you keep up with all of us. You actually KNOW me. You know all about my EDs and current body issues and everything and actually care. And I would NOT be here if it weren't for you guys.

So I guess, this is my success story. I've recovered from ED and am learning to eat again. I've gained muscle and lost fat. I've been back and forth between elated and depressed too many times to count. I still spend hours obsessing, counting calories and planning meals. I'm still way picky about what I eat...or rather what I don't. There still are moments I look at old pictures and see the tiny me, and my heart still breaks wishing I could be that woman again. But, even when I was happy being skinny, I cried every time I binged, and I knew I should be eating. Even though I liked it when the scale went down, it scared me because I knew it wasn't good.

I won't lie - there are still nights I tell myself that tomorrow, I'm only going to consume 500 calories. But overall, I'm happier than I've been in years.

I wish I had real BEFORE and AFTER pictures to share with you all, but please realize that those numbers on the scale do not define you. Don't let them. Because they are so deceiving. Trust me.