Hey sweetie - you are definitely struggling right now but if there is a light at the end of the tunnel it is the fact that you are very honest with yourself and now with others. It takes a lot of courage to put it out there. You have faced it now you have to conquer it. I am not going to tell you that I understand everything you are going through - there is no way that I could do that. But I have struggled with weight issues all my life and I'm 53. I have hidden food, ate enough for 10 people only to throw it up and start again, I have jumped in my car at all hours to drive to fast food restaurants and place orders to make it look like I was taking food home for others only to sit in a dark parking lot and gobble it all down. I have made cake and cookie batters, batches of frosting, entire meals at all hours to gorge myself and then clean it all up so that no one will know. I have ordered food delivery and called out to imaginary people that "food's here" so the delivery person wouldn't know that I ordered enough food for 3 people just so I could pig out. At 5'1" when the scale went over 200 lbs. I was suicidal - I couldn't stop, I couldn't go back, and I didn't think I had a future. I broke down at a doctor's appointment who sent me to counseling - I know you said you didn't want therapy but that is what helped me stop. When the counselor asked me why I would want to be so stuffed - why would anyone want to feel that sick. I struggled to give her an answer - she wanted to know why I wouldn't want to feel normal and I blurted out that my normal was empty - I felt that I had a hole in me and I'd rather feel stuffed and sick than that horrible emptiness - that feeling that I wasn't complete - that I wasn't good enough - that I wasn't a whole package. I never felt good enough - not pretty enough, not thin enough, not enough friends, not loved enough, etc, etc, etc, I was always waiting for people to see through the mask and see the real me and leave. I have always felt like I was pretending all the time to be something I could never be. The counselor asked me if I was tired - OMG I was so tired - exhausted - you must be tired too - weary right? We talked for a long time - many, many appointments but basically here is the truth - you are the only person that can stop this - you'll need help - but you hold within yourself the ability to stop. When? When you are finally ready to stop punishing yourself for all the real and imagined hurts you are holding on to - when you are ready to put them down and walk away you will stop. I am not perfect - I am never going to be - I am not cured - I still have bad days. But I am better and I am down 40 pounds - I have still binged but I won't let myself vomit anymore no matter how awful I feel. I have told my husband and my family and friends and I am slowly learning to reach out when I feel the stress building. It is really hard but I am worth the effort and you are too! I don't love me yet but I have stopped hating me. As I type this I am thinking about the large bag of jelly beans that I bought last week and hid in my lingerie drawer - I decided that I was not going to eat them last night and gave them to my husband to take to work to share with his co-workers. He hugged me, told me that I didn't need them, I was too good for them, and he was proud of me and we laughed - baby steps, baby steps. When you stop hiding people see the real you and it is not too scary - I promise. I bet you're pretty cool. Stop honey - stop now - stop for the best reason in the world - stop for you. Go to someone you trust and get help - it is not about being a size 4 - you need to be healthy and you deserve to be happy - you can do it. I am here if you need to talk - I am a good listener. Please stop - it will get better - I promise you it will. Take care - I will be thinking about you.

I won't go into details, but I have done the same, except I only threw up once and I broke all the blood vessels on my eyelids and looked crazy the next day so that was no longer an option.
The depression...I just want to say that the people on here have kept me from going there in spite of my behavior and I hope you open yourself up to that help. You are not alone in this problem. We all understand and want to be there for you.

To be honest, I was so depressed for so long that I finally went to my doctor and told her about how I felt. Feeling exhausted was such a huge part of my life. When I described how lost I was and how difficult it was for me to stay with my healthy plans or to just manage a trip to the grocery store because there were too many choices, and I cried, she gave me medication for ADHD. Wow, what a difference! There are medical reasons as well as psychological reasons for this compulsive eating. Most people on here connect stress with the start of a binge, and I think the stress can come from living with undiagnosed problems like ADHD, Bi-polar disorder, OCD, anxiety disorder, major depression, and probably many more. We eat, initially, to feel better, but then it deteriorated into self-hate and punishing ourselves, at least it does for me. But the need to feel better is the root cause, so I hope you figure out why it is that you feel bad before you start binge eating. Therapy might help, and an honest discussion with a medical professional might help too.
Yes, we all of us in this group have a problem, but we need to focus our minds on finding solutions rather than focusing on the problem. We can, and are, getting better and so can you!! If a good friend came to you and told you what you just told us, what would you do? You would be kind and understanding and help her figure out how to make her life better. That is what you need to do for yourself!! Baby yourself. You are fragile and need loving support, not tough love right now.
I also would love to have you message me if you want to talk. You can and will feel a lot better, so don't give up

You don't want therapy. Okay, I truly suggest trying low carb if you haven't. Go Atkins Induction (unless of course you have any health issues that it could aggravate like diabetes or kidney problems). Force yourself to stay with it the two full weeks (it is rough, not going to lie). Then see if it reduces your cravings over a period of a month or so.

Because sometimes binge eating triggers are chemical, not emotional. So if yours happen to be, this is a therapy free way to majorly cut down on cravings.

It works for me. I'm not craving free, especially right now with seasonal allergies kicking my butt, but it's worlds better than when I was just counting calories and struggling not to give in day after day. You do have to want it bad enough to grab it and hold on, though. It still isn't easy. You need to get to that point where enough is really enough and you've had it with your current situation.