Stuck in a deep hole

Graelwyn75 · April 2013

Why do I do this? I know I am living in a miserable environment where I do all I can to avoid 'seeing' it, I am generally depressed, and lacking in any real interests, and stuck in a rut where I seem to have an aversion to going to bed at a sensible time before I get hungry, yet what do I do ? Buy a load of reduced price easter chocolate to stash away. Manage to ignore it for a few days and remain indifferent to it's presence. Then grab 4 different bags to bring to the living room while reading mfp forums, having already had my bedtime snacks and an extra tub of cottage cheese. I was already full yet I wanted to delay going to bed and stuffing delayed it. I think it is because I see little reason to get up. I have no job, nothing to look forward to, nowhere to go other than the gym, no friends to hang out with and since my apartment is full of holes in the walls, damp, a leaking bathroom floor, sinking floors and is cluttered up because I gave up trying to sort it out, I cannot focus on doing anything productive at home in the daytime.

So once I am settled watching tv and obsessively reading these forums, i delay going to bed, even when tired. I am disgusted at myself right now. At my failure to control myself, at the fact I stuffed a load of crap down even as I look in the mirror and see flabby arms, even when I despise my body and any fat on it daily to a degree I punish it. I feel, why bother getting up tomorrow at all now ? No point hitting the gym after all that sugar. I will feel like poop anyway physically and after about 5000 calories, well. ( and I purged, another crap habit I cannot seem to break).

I am not an advocate of banning any foods but I think certainly I need to ban milk chocolate from my life, and no longer bring anything with refined sugar into my home. Even normal yoghurts have a triggering effect on me. Presumably because it affects the seratonin levels and I suffer depression. Bipolar to be precise unmedicated because they said I had it, after asking only about five questions, then decided I did not for no real reason. Thus I get the whole swings of mood, from depression and lassitude to mania which includes attacks of rage, extreme irritability, loss of impulse control etc.

I feel I am useless. How can I not ? My life consists of binging and exercise. Tv and mfp. And the odd book here and there. My eating disorders robbed me of all I was meant to be. I didn't finish my degree and quit right before the dissertation. I turned my back on offers to work in the west end theatre and chose anorexia instead. I have not written anything for years, feeling there is no point as it will never be good enough and then I will have even more reason to feel a failure. I just get in every evening, tired and drained from getting up late then rushing in my workout and once back in my apartment, my ocd takes over, ensuring it takes hours to get remotely settled, and my evening is spent on mfp. That is all I do. In that sense, I do wonder if I need a break from here totally. To see what happens. I can never just log my food. I seem pulled to read the forums, even though it is all the same topics coming up over and over. My binging only really became an issue when I came here and started logging. I do not know why.

So yeah, I am in that post binge place where I want to shove my boyfriend away and cancel seeing him today, where I want to sleep as long as possible and where I am longing for the self control I had as an anorexic where I could live on a few fromage frais a day, or a half a rice cake and copious strong coffees. Where has that absolute self control gone ? I know all the tricks in the book for losing weight and keeping calories low. But I am no longer any good at ignoring hunger because although I want to lose weight, the extreme obsession with numbers and with control that saw me drop to 70Ibs is no longer there. I have no distraction now when hungry. No all consuming interests. And I am lonely. And that in itself keeps me tied to the net for company in the evenings.

So yeah, I am stuck. And because I am on disability payments and other benefits, simply moving somewhere I will be happier, is not an option. Many landlords will not take someone on benefits. Those that do, dump me in places like where I am currently. I don't even clean anymore because there seems no point so I am living in dust and damp and dirt. I had a support worker for a time to help with practical matters because my conditions means I tend to be bad at dealing with bills and change and officialdom. But she dropped me when I missed a few appointments and I have been too afraid to ask for more help. I am guessing all of this combined is why I am binging. I am losing hope of ever being remotely healthy again. And sometimes, there seems little point trying since the fact I have copd means the odds are against me anyway.

carly_am · April 2013

I am so sorry you are feeling like this

.

I wish there was something I could say or do. Just keep battling, there is a world where things are not like this.

Please please go and see a doctor. You don't even need to say anything just take that post you just wrote and show it to a professional. Please. They are not the enemy and they can help.

We are all here for you and we are all rooting for you.

yoshna · April 2013

Please please go and see a doctor. You don't even need to say anything just take that post you just wrote and show it to a professional. Please. They are not the enemy and they can help.

Yes. Please, go and see a doctor. It sounds like you need some real help to get you up and out of this; it's easy to say in the moment 'no, I can do this alone' but the reality is that it's HARD. You need support, and as much as I wish that an internet forum could provide enough of that, I think you need something more as well.

You are not alone and you know you can change things for yourself - but that doesn't mean you have to change things by yourself. Have you talked to your boyfriend about what's going on?

Sending loads of goodness your way through the airwaves. x

cbm413 · April 2013

Sweet honey girl. I echo the others in imploring you to take this post to the doctor. You are in the throes of a mean chemical depression. I've been there! Until the depression is treated, you're not going to be able to do the other things you want to do. Please, please, get that taken care of. And the depression will make you not feel like keeping the appointment! KEEP IT anyway, even if you have to drag yourself there. Tell your boyfriend the date and time so he can remind you or even drive you. In the meantime, you might check out a book called The Chemistry of Joy by Henry Emmons. It helped me a lot.

BringItOn135 · April 2013

I wish I lived closer to you too. You seem like such a genuine caring person. You have helped me so much in my journey. I understand what a battle it can be. The depression...the seratonin seeking through any means (for me, sugar and shopping and exercise). Do you have a therapist to talk with? I am actually going to see a new therapist soon. I figure if I can "purge" my thoughts, feelings, anger, sadness, I won't need to purge my food. Writing has helped me too...and prayer. Even if you don't who you are praying to...it's a good start. Meditation makes me feel more connected in such a crappy world. Hang in there. Keep going strong. Don't isolate. I know from experience, that makes it worse. Know that you are loved and appreciated! --Liz

Graelwyn75 · April 2013

Please please go and see a doctor. You don't even need to say anything just take that post you just wrote and show it to a professional. Please. They are not the enemy and they can help.

Yes. Please, go and see a doctor. It sounds like you need some real help to get you up and out of this; it's easy to say in the moment 'no, I can do this alone' but the reality is that it's HARD. You need support, and as much as I wish that an internet forum could provide enough of that, I think you need something more as well.

You are not alone and you know you can change things for yourself - but that doesn't mean you have to change things by yourself. Have you talked to your boyfriend about what's going on?

Sending loads of goodness your way through the airwaves. x

Boyfriend does not really totally understand depression of this kind, because he is not as emotionally aware as most, due to his being Aspergers. He knows I binge, and he knows I get moods, and he knows I get upset about the binging and obviously that I am very unhappy with my environment. My doctor does not tend to do anything. When I went about how tired I have been feeling, he simply upped my dose of thyroxine and did not even bother ordering a blood test to check if that is the cause of my tiredness. I may have to change doctors. I don't see much helping without my environment changing. How do you avoid being affected when you look around your 'home' and see disorder, rather than order? I went the whole medication route for years and all it did was make me even worse, triggering a very severe episode that landed me in hospital for 6 weeks. I have not touched it since. I do think getting a voluntary job or something to actually do that is productive would help me. I am not suicidal or anything like that. I am just worn out from the OCD, and fed up of not having the self discipline to make the changes necessary to improve my life - ie, not spending all evening on the net everyday, not going to bed at 4, 5, 6am, using my money to get the holes in my walls(for which I am responsible) sorted out so I can get the landlord in to sort out the leaking in my bathroom.

Winter is always much much worse for me also, unless I get a decent amount of fresh air. Last year I was fine. I got out on my bike most days and my mood was much better. I also had more energy. Ever since I had a very bad period of binging last year, I have not had the same energy back again. I worry I will never get that energy back again. I shall probably change my doctor and see if a new one can offer something. I did not get anywhere with the last person I saw. I was referred to a cbt psychologist and I hated the clinical setting. I felt stupid for needing someone else's help when I am an intelligent person who has studied psychology herself and often knows the things they tell me already. It should be as simple as a change in outlook on life. Other people seem able to bounce through these things with positive thinking and just getting on with things.

Anyway, thankyou for the responses, guys, your support is much appreciated and valued.

Cbm, I will look into that book.

Springfield_Rocks · April 2013

hey there,

i am so sorry you feel this way.

i agree with the advice given. please see your doctor. i spent a lot of years buried in bullsh*t only to come to realize that i had to stay on my meds. it sucks, but i've accepted it. there is no stigma to someone who has to take medication for diabetes or cardiac problems right? so why not get some help for mental illness?

i also agree about seeing a therapist and prayer.

you are loved. let yourself be loved.

Phoenix212 · April 2013

I understand all too well the issues with medication. I also swore off them in high school, they made me feel foggy and light-headed and empty, and I'd rather feel full than empty. I'm starting therapy next week, myself, after years of trying to find a good counselor and failing and then more years of refusing to try again. I'm also at that point where you have to really step back and decide that the effort of finding a good resource is worth it.

My boyfriend, bless him, did some online reading and got me a book called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. I haven't even finished reading it yet, but it's powerful and I think if I can find the energy to actually do some of the exercises he recommends that it can really help. Even just reading half of it has already taught me a lot more than the years of various disinterested professionals managed to.

It's so hard to remember sometimes that we are all human and we do all make mistakes, and that just because you've fallen into a cycle doesn't make you a bad person and it doesn't diminish your incredible self-worth. Most importantly IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU WEAK. You're still a strong, capable and lovable person and always will be, no matter what habits seem to take hold sometimes and mess up your thinking.

If you think that getting away from this site in particular will help you, I'd say that despite this group you shouldn't hesitate to do what's best for you. I'll be sad to see you go, because you seem really caring and sweet even though I've only been here for a few days, but you absolutely have to do what's best for you. I can't see how spending massive amounts of time on a site dedicated to food and counting and logging it is going to help you get your mind elsewhere.

Whatever you decide, my heart goes out to you and I really hope tomorrow/next week/next month is better for you. Sometimes you just have to get into survival mode for a little while to make it until you can do more. Winter's almost over and the sun will be back soon

kate99931 · April 2013

Sounds maybe like you are just existing in this 'gray' zone, like you are stuck at a point in life and don't know what to do to move along to your next chapter in life. Do you have any passions? Any causes you feel particularly strong about? Can you volunteer at an animal shelter? Foster a pet? Join a community group? A knitting club? Sometimes just feeling useful, like you have a purpose and a mission in this world can be all it takes to get out of a funk. I know just from reading so many of your posts that you are a woman of alot of talents (including writing!!), and how beautiful it would be to see you share those with the world.

Sending love across the pond!!!

DanielleWatson83 · April 2013

to me you sound like you have whats called 'borderline personality disorder' doctors get that mixed up with bipolar. borderline is where you feel no grey area. it's always either very black or very white, meaning you either feel really good about something/something or very bad . another thing with borderline is you self sabatoge yourself, binge eating,reckless driving,sex, cutting etc... look it up!! im no doctor but you need help, and you need to do one thing at a time. first get your head in order then worry about loosing weight.

Graelwyn75 · April 2013

Sounds maybe like you are just existing in this 'gray' zone, like you are stuck at a point in life and don't know what to do to move along to your next chapter in life. Do you have any passions? Any causes you feel particularly strong about? Can you volunteer at an animal shelter? Foster a pet? Join a community group? A knitting club? Sometimes just feeling useful, like you have a purpose and a mission in this world can be all it takes to get out of a funk. I know just from reading so many of your posts that you are a woman of alot of talents (including writing!!), and how beautiful it would be to see you share those with the world.

Sending love across the pond!!!

I did join a choir last year, one that involved a voice audition, but I suppose, I tend to see it as just being one of many. I grew up wanting to achieve something really notable, and I suppose, nothing has lived up to that thus far. I blew many chances due to anorexia in my past, including the chance to work in London theatre. I think I sort of gave up after that. I feel strongly about a lot of things, but organising myself into doing something seems another matter. It is too late for me to get back into theatre in any major sense, as I am too old to train now, and getting in the back door is nigh on impossible now, plus, I am on disability, and living in a place where only touring companies come to the theatre. I love writing, have lots of ideas floating about, but my mind just seems to not settle enough for me to sit and do something with it. My environment, I believe, is the issue there, because when I lived with my mother in a decent place, I spent hours writing daily. I won competitions as a child for writing and for singing. I love helping elderly people, I did work in care for a time and really enjoyed it, except the fact it was a bit like a production line... they medicated anyone who dared to actually stand up and move about. I spoke out about the poor treatment of the residents and got fired from that job, heh. I have been debating volunteering at the local hospital, but not sure if that sort of environment will be beneficial to me, or depress me more.

Graelwyn75 · April 2013

to me you sound like you have whats called 'borderline personality disorder' doctors get that mixed up with bipolar. borderline is where you feel no grey area. it's always either very black or very white, meaning you either feel really good about something/something or very bad . another thing with borderline is you self sabatoge yourself, binge eating,reckless driving,sex, cutting etc... look it up!! im no doctor but you need help, and you need to do one thing at a time. first get your head in order then worry about loosing weight.

I do not think you should be trying to diagnose online. Borderline personality disorder is something I already researched extensively(something a person with borderline would generally not do as most do not recognise they have it)and I do not fit the criteria. Binge eating, impulsivity, cutting and black and white thinking are features of quite a few diagnoses, including bipolar. The fact I am also suspected of having Aspergers (by professionals) explains the black and white thinking. I have to sit and actively analyse situations to figure them out, if they involve emotions a lot of the time, because I am not 'wired' to read people as well as others.

Borderline involves fear of abandonment and being alone. I am alone most of the time, through choice. My moods do not swing within short frames of time, which is also a feature of borderline, and a difference between borderline and bipolar. Also, imo, borderline is mostly a label they tend to stick on cases they cannot stuff into another convenient box. It has been posited that about 10% of the population fit the borderline criteria. Go figure. Imo, if that large a proportion of people fit a 'diagnosis', it is just a personality type, that people lived with until the industry decided to create a name for it.

Chibea · April 2013

I can relate to you on so many levels...why do you think I am up doing jigsaws at 3 am?
I'm getting ready to volunteer somewhere, too, since that makes the most sense to me considering my past experiences. At least we would have a reason to get up in the morning.

I hate to hear that this site is not helping, but is actually hurting you somehow. If you try not posting for a while you can test your theory, but you can always just come on back if it doesn't help. There is a lot of support on here and it sounds like you don't have a lot of that right now in your life. The support here is so specific to the root problems we have that I find it invaluable.

I have been diagnosed with bi-polar, depression, anxiety and ADHD. Have taken meds for all. I'm not sure the bipolar one is correct, but my son and husband say it is, so I take my meds. The best med I have is the ADHD one. That has made a dramatic difference in my motivation and energy levels. Drove the depression away immediately!!..most of the time.
Some days I look around my house and I think this is so depressing and impossible to deal with and I just go eat. Other days I look at my house and I think I can do one thing today to make it better and I do that. If I can string enough of the can do days together, I can get things looking pretty good. "The little things you do are making a huge difference in your life" That is my mantra. I say it to myself all day long everyday. Often I can do little things, especially if I don't let myself think about the big things Those little things add up. true, some days I don't have the energy to do anything, but if I have learned anything on MFP it is that the only failure is giving up. .

The little things you do are making a big difference in your life.

Graelwyn75 · April 2013

I can relate to you on so many levels...why do you think I am up doing jigsaws at 3 am?
I'm getting ready to volunteer somewhere, too, since that makes the most sense to me considering my past experiences. At least we would have a reason to get up in the morning.

I hate to hear that this site is not helping, but is actually hurting you somehow. If you try not posting for a while you can test your theory, but you can always just come on back if it doesn't help. There is a lot of support on here and it sounds like you don't have a lot of that right now in your life. The support here is so specific to the root problems we have that I find it invaluable.

I have been diagnosed with bi-polar, depression, anxiety and ADHD. Have taken meds for all. I'm not sure the bipolar one is correct, but my son and husband say it is, so I take my meds. The best med I have is the ADHD one. That has made a dramatic difference in my motivation and energy levels. Drove the depression away immediately!!..most of the time.
Some days I look around my house and I think this is so depressing and impossible to deal with and I just go eat. Other days I look at my house and I think I can do one thing today to make it better and I do that. If I can string enough of the can do days together, I can get things looking pretty good. "The little things you do are making a huge difference in your life" That is my mantra. I say it to myself all day long everyday. Often I can do little things, especially if I don't let myself think about the big things Those little things add up. true, some days I don't have the energy to do anything, but if I have learned anything on MFP it is that the only failure is giving up. .

The little things you do are making a big difference in your life.

Glad your meds made a difference. My attention span tends to be mostly terrible but I used to be able to sit and quite happily read a book every day. In terms of the home, I know a large part is that because when I go and stay with my mother, who has a really orderly and nice apartment, the OCD clears off, I feel happier, hopeful, lighter, and can envisage myself doing allsorts of things. When I returned last time, as soon as I got back, I cleared out some clothes that were clogging the floor and I didn't need anymore, and had every intention of clearing out more things, but within days, I was back to just avoiding the situation. If I see it, I get anxious and angry because it seems overwhelming. I tend to start something and want it finished in one go, which probably isn't very helpful as then when I see how much there is to do, I just stop trying. Sometimes I consider I am lucky to have a roof over my head, but the damp is detrimental to my health because I have copd. It affects my lungs.

I am trying to break the habit of staying up into the night. I think that can make things worse.
I am off the Jigsaws now, and onto the hangman, lol.

Chibea · April 2013

I can relate to you on so many levels...why do you think I am up doing jigsaws at 3 am?
I'm getting ready to volunteer somewhere, too, since that makes the most sense to me considering my past experiences. At least we would have a reason to get up in the morning.

I hate to hear that this site is not helping, but is actually hurting you somehow. If you try not posting for a while you can test your theory, but you can always just come on back if it doesn't help. There is a lot of support on here and it sounds like you don't have a lot of that right now in your life. The support here is so specific to the root problems we have that I find it invaluable.

I have been diagnosed with bi-polar, depression, anxiety and ADHD. Have taken meds for all. I'm not sure the bipolar one is correct, but my son and husband say it is, so I take my meds. The best med I have is the ADHD one. That has made a dramatic difference in my motivation and energy levels. Drove the depression away immediately!!..most of the time.
Some days I look around my house and I think this is so depressing and impossible to deal with and I just go eat. Other days I look at my house and I think I can do one thing today to make it better and I do that. If I can string enough of the can do days together, I can get things looking pretty good. "The little things you do are making a huge difference in your life" That is my mantra. I say it to myself all day long everyday. Often I can do little things, especially if I don't let myself think about the big things Those little things add up. true, some days I don't have the energy to do anything, but if I have learned anything on MFP it is that the only failure is giving up. .

The little things you do are making a big difference in your life.

Glad your meds made a difference. My attention span tends to be mostly terrible but I used to be able to sit and quite happily read a book every day. In terms of the home, I know a large part is that because when I go and stay with my mother, who has a really orderly and nice apartment, the OCD clears off, I feel happier, hopeful, lighter, and can envisage myself doing allsorts of things. When I returned last time, as soon as I got back, I cleared out some clothes that were clogging the floor and I didn't need anymore, and had every intention of clearing out more things, but within days, I was back to just avoiding the situation. If I see it, I get anxious and angry because it seems overwhelming. I tend to start something and want it finished in one go, which probably isn't very helpful as then when I see how much there is to do, I just stop trying. Sometimes I consider I am lucky to have a roof over my head, but the damp is detrimental to my health because I have copd. It affects my lungs.

I am trying to break the habit of staying up into the night. I think that can make things worse.
I am off the Jigsaws now, and onto the hangman, lol.

:laugh: Yeah, I was all into Bejeweled Blitz before the jigsaws got me - I am trying to stop in the middle and go to bed.. did it for the first time last night. I had to leave the computer on so I could finish it this morning, though. I wish we could do jigsaws together the way the kids play their online games together. When I was a kid and did them it was a social thing, but a social thing for people who don't talk much...

The bit where you say you start and stop and get frustrated and overwhelmed-- that sounds like ADHD. I am not diagnosing you, I am just relating. Those are the symptoms that got my doc to see what it was I was dealing with. I have a thing I do. If I ever have lots of stuff to do, I can never prioritize it all. I get all frustrated and overwhelmed, so I have learned to do anything that involves the care of living things first, then just do anything because that is better than nothing and eventually everything will get done. If I have to grocery shop and I have a lot to buy, I get overwhelmed because I have to make so many decisions and I just take what I have and leave. I go back later for the rest. When I told my doc that is how manage my life, she gave me the ADHD meds right off. I always thought that is how everyone else was handling life:ohwell:

What can you do about the dampness?

Graelwyn75 · April 2013

I can relate to you on so many levels...why do you think I am up doing jigsaws at 3 am?
I'm getting ready to volunteer somewhere, too, since that makes the most sense to me considering my past experiences. At least we would have a reason to get up in the morning.

I hate to hear that this site is not helping, but is actually hurting you somehow. If you try not posting for a while you can test your theory, but you can always just come on back if it doesn't help. There is a lot of support on here and it sounds like you don't have a lot of that right now in your life. The support here is so specific to the root problems we have that I find it invaluable.

I have been diagnosed with bi-polar, depression, anxiety and ADHD. Have taken meds for all. I'm not sure the bipolar one is correct, but my son and husband say it is, so I take my meds. The best med I have is the ADHD one. That has made a dramatic difference in my motivation and energy levels. Drove the depression away immediately!!..most of the time.
Some days I look around my house and I think this is so depressing and impossible to deal with and I just go eat. Other days I look at my house and I think I can do one thing today to make it better and I do that. If I can string enough of the can do days together, I can get things looking pretty good. "The little things you do are making a huge difference in your life" That is my mantra. I say it to myself all day long everyday. Often I can do little things, especially if I don't let myself think about the big things Those little things add up. true, some days I don't have the energy to do anything, but if I have learned anything on MFP it is that the only failure is giving up. .

The little things you do are making a big difference in your life.

Glad your meds made a difference. My attention span tends to be mostly terrible but I used to be able to sit and quite happily read a book every day. In terms of the home, I know a large part is that because when I go and stay with my mother, who has a really orderly and nice apartment, the OCD clears off, I feel happier, hopeful, lighter, and can envisage myself doing allsorts of things. When I returned last time, as soon as I got back, I cleared out some clothes that were clogging the floor and I didn't need anymore, and had every intention of clearing out more things, but within days, I was back to just avoiding the situation. If I see it, I get anxious and angry because it seems overwhelming. I tend to start something and want it finished in one go, which probably isn't very helpful as then when I see how much there is to do, I just stop trying. Sometimes I consider I am lucky to have a roof over my head, but the damp is detrimental to my health because I have copd. It affects my lungs.

I am trying to break the habit of staying up into the night. I think that can make things worse.
I am off the Jigsaws now, and onto the hangman, lol.

:laugh: Yeah, I was all into Bejeweled Blitz before the jigsaws got me - I am trying to stop in the middle and go to bed.. did it for the first time last night. I had to leave the computer on so I could finish it this morning, though. I wish we could do jigsaws together the way the kids play their online games together. When I was a kid and did them it was a social thing, but a social thing for people who don't talk much...

The bit where you say you start and stop and get frustrated and overwhelmed-- that sounds like ADHD. I am not diagnosing you, I am just relating. Those are the symptoms that got my doc to see what it was I was dealing with. I have a thing I do. If I ever have lots of stuff to do, I can never prioritize it all. I get all frustrated and overwhelmed, so I have learned to do anything that involves the care of living things first, then just do anything because that is better than nothing and eventually everything will get done. If I have to grocery shop and I have a lot to buy, I get overwhelmed because I have to make so many decisions and I just take what I have and leave. I go back later for the rest. When I told my doc that is how manage my life, she gave me the ADHD meds right off. I always thought that is how everyone else was handling life:ohwell:

What can you do about the dampness?

Gosh, decision making is another terrible thing for me. Sometimes I agonise for days on some things. Adhd is often a co morbid with Aspergers, but I sort of gave up with presenting my issues to the doctor, seems no point at my age, especially as I am not keen on taking medication. People have commented before that in conversation, I often switch topics really fast and leave them wondering what happened, lol, but at the same time, if I am talking about a current interest, like at this time, nutrition and the latest research on things like intermittent fasting etc, I can go on and on about the same subject. Same when a kid, a few at school with me when young who are now in the medical or nursing profession said they had come to the conclusion I had Aspergers when I came up in conversation when they were adults. Along with my own suspicions, that was all I needed to bring it up with the doctor. Here in the Uk, it was barely known of when I was young and unless parents note anything unusual, it tends to be missed, especially in girls as girls are by nature more socially adept than boys, so they become quite good at imitation and learning some of the social rules, so to speak. In fact, often girls with Aspergers end up falsely diagnosed as something else. Anyway, I went off on a tangent. I never considered adhd, I think there comes a time when you have to just accept that some things are just the way you are, and you have to somehow learn as best you can to deal with them and accept them. In the past, people did not get given all these labels for their differences. They got on with it and sank or swam.

On occasion, I have to reach out to the local crisis team for temporary help when I hit a low point. And I do if I feel I am at my limit. Other times I just spew out a big rant about everything that is on top of me, i have to get the landlord in to deal with the damp. I do not know what is causing it, but basically there is water coming up at the side of the bath, and my bathroom floor is all sinking and soft as has happened before. Landlord just stuck another piece of hardboard over the old floor and it is now worse than it was last time he did it. It gets tiring to keep calling about these things, especially if you don't like communicating over the phone.

Ps - I used to play bejewelled and jewel quest and similar games for hours on end on my nintendo ds. I have about three different types on my ipad too, lol.

ObtainingBalance · April 2013

to me you sound like you have whats called 'borderline personality disorder' doctors get that mixed up with bipolar. borderline is where you feel no grey area. it's always either very black or very white, meaning you either feel really good about something/something or very bad . another thing with borderline is you self sabatoge yourself, binge eating,reckless driving,sex, cutting etc... look it up!! im no doctor but you need help, and you need to do one thing at a time. first get your head in order then worry about loosing weight.

I do not think you should be trying to diagnose online. Borderline personality disorder is something I already researched extensively(something a person with borderline would generally not do as most do not recognise they have it)and I do not fit the criteria. Binge eating, impulsivity, cutting and black and white thinking are features of quite a few diagnoses, including bipolar. The fact I am also suspected of having Aspergers (by professionals) explains the black and white thinking. I have to sit and actively analyse situations to figure them out, if they involve emotions a lot of the time, because I am not 'wired' to read people as well as others.

Borderline involves fear of abandonment and being alone. I am alone most of the time, through choice. My moods do not swing within short frames of time, which is also a feature of borderline, and a difference between borderline and bipolar. Also, imo, borderline is mostly a label they tend to stick on cases they cannot stuff into another convenient box. It has been posited that about 10% of the population fit the borderline criteria. Go figure. Imo, if that large a proportion of people fit a 'diagnosis', it is just a personality type, that people lived with until the industry decided to create a name for it.

I agree... borderline personality has many characteristics that can fit other disorders as well. Black and white thinking happens... it's just a small factor of BPD.
I don't think you have borderline.

However, I read all of your post and it is sad you feel that way

You really should tell a doctor. I hope you're not suicidal.
You mentioned sitting at home a lot with nothing to do... maybe you and your BF could take up a dance class? Find anything in the community that's available. Ask him for help, suggestions, etc.
I've felt some of this before, being lonely...feeling like the eating disorders take up all my thoughts... canceling plans/dates with people because I feel horrible...feeling like my life has no purpose.. the best thing to do sometimes is go out anyways.. I usually feel better after. Sometimes I am too sick feeling to do so though, depends how big the binge was.

If you think you have bipolar maybe you should go to a different therapist and get some medication -- Lithium? I know some pills have bad side effects but find one that works for you. It could help.

If MFP is taking too much of your time maybe a break is needed... you could always try to log on just 5/7 days this week- and shorten it later....OR if cutting cold turkey is best for you then get off for 1-2 weeks and see how you feel. I used to come on here more but the forums take WAY too much of my time! I also have other social network/instant messengers that I've felt almost addicted to before... they make me feel overwhelmed ... I procrastinate everything in real life when I'm on them too much.. I notice when I've taken breaks I was really better off.

I hope you're feeling better this week, I know this post wasn't made today. :flowerforyou:

wllwsmmr · April 2013

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I do think getting a voluntary job or something to actually do that is productive would help me.
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THIS!!! I totally relate.. I was anorexic and bulimic and binge eat a lot and go back and forth a lot and now am at the high end of my weight, struggling with binge eating and also feel like I can never get back to what I was. I also miss the times where I could survive on so little and be skinny and disciplined...

The past few months I struggled to lose the binge weight I gained and all I did was binge and then gym and then stay at home because I felt and am too fat and ugly and bloated to do anything nor meet anyone nor even be in public. I thought I could get back to my discipline and lose this weight quick. But it dragged on for months. Then I came onto mfp. Read a lot and finally decided to try this the healthy way. Binge eating was still a huge struggle. It was also depressing because I spent my time at the gym and then home and I binge and stay up to binge and then feel so sick and tired and eat til I fall asleep and then refuse to wake up to face my bloated pudgy self and then binge and gym and the cycle continues. I felt like life was so meaningless and tiring..

It was only recently that I had a change of environment where I lived with more people and also actively started working as a freelance tutor. I had more things to occupy my time and at least was earning my keep. So I was forced to go about doing things other than binging and working out. Interacting with other people also helped. I still am struggling with overeating, still uncomfortable with my body and hardly go out (ie dress up and go shopping etc) and only leave home to tutor and grocery shop or run, but it definitely helped and I am feeling better than I did before I made all these changes.

I am sorry to hear about all your problems and also sorry that I don't have any advice to help improve things for you because I am not very well informed about such matters, but the above is just based on personal experience since I suffer from depression too (and am very often suicidal). I wish you all the best and stay strong babe. The only way is up.

Binge-Eating Support Group

Stuck in a deep hole

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