Marriage...is there any hope?
Replies
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There were so many issues that he felt like marriage would "fix"... AKA not feeling guilty about having sex before marriage and not living together before marriage. I don't see marriage as a solution to those types of problems, though.
I so agree.
There was this girl I went to college with, and she was very religious, and she got married at 19, probably just because she and her BF wanted to live together and have sex. I get waiting, that is fine, but don't rush into marriage just so you can get lucky you know? It's a bigger commitment than that. Either be comfortable with waiting, or don't wait, but don't feel uncomfortable with waiting.
This is funny because while I was teaching at Texas A&M, there were 5 or 6 times when 18 to 20-year-old women came up to me to make sure I changed their last name on my class roster due to their recent marriage. The only reason I could think that so many would marry so young was to have sex without the guilt.
You made me think of something, Dave... When dealing with young college students, keep in mind that one of the few ways one can get declared independent and therefore free of the financial burden of your parents income on federal aid is to get married. Two young married college students have a huge advantage when it comes to free and discounted aid to pay for their education. When I was working in the administration desk at the community college, I had more than one individual tell me they 'got hitched' so they could qualify for the pell grant.
I guess that could have been the motivation but Texas A&M was extremely conservative and religious. I had several students with email addresses like praise4jesus and whatnot when I was there. Also, I once gave students a writing assigment to choose one of five articles and summarize and detail the economic issues in it. One of the articles had to do with budget cuts from the federal government affecting subsidies for birth control on college campuses. I chose the article because it featured Texas A&M and had several quotes from the university's director student health services. On top of 2 or 3 complaints to the department about giving that article as a choice, I had several students who wrote about that article with opinions that the subsidies should be suspended because they created an incentive to have sex (in wedlock or out) for purposes other than procreation. .0 -
There were so many issues that he felt like marriage would "fix"... AKA not feeling guilty about having sex before marriage and not living together before marriage. I don't see marriage as a solution to those types of problems, though.
I so agree.
There was this girl I went to college with, and she was very religious, and she got married at 19, probably just because she and her BF wanted to live together and have sex. I get waiting, that is fine, but don't rush into marriage just so you can get lucky you know? It's a bigger commitment than that. Either be comfortable with waiting, or don't wait, but don't feel uncomfortable with waiting.
This is funny because while I was teaching at Texas A&M, there were 5 or 6 times when 18 to 20-year-old women came up to me to make sure I changed their last name on my class roster due to their recent marriage. The only reason I could think that so many would marry so young was to have sex without the guilt.
You made me think of something, Dave... When dealing with young college students, keep in mind that one of the few ways one can get declared independent and therefore free of the financial burden of your parents income on federal aid is to get married. Two young married college students have a huge advantage when it comes to free and discounted aid to pay for their education. When I was working in the administration desk at the community college, I had more than one individual tell me they 'got hitched' so they could qualify for the pell grant.
I have klnown several people that have done this. Though they never changed their names. Too complicated.0 -
I guess that could have been the motivation but Texas A&M was extremely conservative and religious. I had several students with email addresses like praise4jesus and whatnot when I was there. Also, I once gave students a writing assigment to choose one of five articles and summarize and detail the economic issues in it. One of the articles had to do with budget cuts from the federal government affecting subsidies for birth control on college campuses. I chose the article because it featured Texas A&M and had several quotes from the university's director student health services. On top of 2 or 3 complaints to the department about giving that article as a choice, I had several students who wrote about that article with opinions that the subsidies should be suspended because they created an incentive to have sex (in wedlock or out) for purposes other than procreation. .
Because zealots are never hypocrites.0 -
Want kids? Get married when you start actually trying. You owe them a stable environment.
Otherwise - why? The financial reasons FOR marriage are greatly overshadowed by the financial risks of a marriage ending.0 -
I think that rushing into marriage because you want a wedding and society says you should be married and making babies by a certain time so you just pick someone and start doing those things is unwise.
I think it could stifle personal development and lead to giving up.
I think it's unfair to judge people who change after they are married as well.0 -
Personally here is my opinion......Yes there is hope. My wife is my best friend. I can't imagine my life without her.......Do we ever argue/disagree? Of course we do......but we talk about it and we work it out. Too many people look for the easy road......When things get rough at all they try to get out. walk away from the situation........The least they could do is break it off with their partner first but no.....they cheat on them.......Frankly I think it's ridiculous. If people are mature enough to get married they should know what it involves and take their vows seriously. I am not going to say everyone should stay together forever......I am sure some people grow apart and can't work things out.........but if that's the case......try to work it out first......and at the very least break it off with the person before you go out screwing around.0
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Yes, marriage is silly. But so are a lot of other things people do. I won't participate in a lot of those things either, though.0
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I don't think it's silly to get married... but I do think the notion that it's suppose to be a commitment for life is.
Help me understand this... what's the point of getting married if it's not a life commitment? What other value does one get out of being married? I thought the "committed for life" thing was pretty much it, and event hat doesn't require marriage in the minds of most people today.
The commitment was the original point of getting married... I don't think it works with life/society today. For proof look at divorce rates.
So I guess the point of getting married now like many things is: It's just what people do.
Sometimes people are supposed to be your partner for a certain sizeable portion of your life. Sometimes it's from 20 to 100. Sometimes it's from 19 to 30. Sometimes it's from 30 to 50. Why? Because we dont stay the same person and have static needs for the rest of our lives.0 -
Do I believe in two people spending their whole lives together? I do.
What I don’t believe in is having a huge wedding that you’ll be working your butt off to pay for years after the actual ceremony. Why do you need to get in debt to validate you relationship? If you need a bank loan for it, you can’t afford it.
A marriage certificate, as you can see, does not mean a whole lot anyways when the people are not meant to be together. Just like not having a marriage certificate doesn't mean anything when 2 people actually want to spend their lives together.0 -
Personally here is my opinion......Yes there is hope. My wife is my best friend. I can't imagine my life without her.......Do we ever argue/disagree? Of course we do......but we talk about it and we work it out. Too many people look for the easy road......When things get rough at all they try to get out. walk away from the situation........The least they could do is break it off with their partner first but no.....they cheat on them.......Frankly I think it's ridiculous. If people are mature enough to get married they should know what it involves and take their vows seriously. I am not going to say everyone should stay together forever......I am sure some people grow apart and can't work things out.........but if that's the case......try to work it out first......and at the very least break it off with the person before you go out screwing around.
If only everyone was ready for marriage when they got married right? There's so much pressure from parents, family and society to hurry up and get married or youre a failure, that people bend under pressure and hurry up and fall in line.
I dont think thats a good reason to get married.
When I get married I hope that I will have someone by my side that is also always changing. If I marry someone and they stop being the person that I fell in love with and start being someone else and im all alone again AND trapped in a marriage - I'd be scared. like actually, trapped scared and not sure what to do, how to go about fixing it and making anything better without hurting anyone. So should I stay quiet and hope he comes around again after a few years and just forget about my needs or... what? what if i talk to him and he doesnt care?0 -
If only everyone was ready for marriage when they got married right? There's so much pressure from parents, family and society to hurry up and get married or youre a failure, that people bend under pressure and hurry up and fall in line.
I dont think thats a good reason to get married.
When I get married I hope that I will have someone by my side that is also always changing. If I marry someone and they stop being the person that I fell in love with and start being someone else and im all alone again AND trapped in a marriage - I'd be scared. like actually, trapped scared and not sure what to do, how to go about fixing it and making anything better without hurting anyone. So should I stay quiet and hope he comes around again after a few years and just forget about my needs or... what? what if i talk to him and he doesnt care?
I agree there is too much societal pressure on people. They should not get married until they are ready....screw what anyone else thinks. As to your question, it's not necessarily them.....it might be you who change and they remain the same. At that point you have a couple of options.......#1 - try to talk about it.....try to work it out.....too many times issues are caused because people simply won't communicate. #2 - Analyze if you are ok staying together even if you are different....(can you imagine life without each other). #3 - If you can't and you can't work it out (or choose not to) then you look into getting a divorce..........Hopefully you have not had any kids........0 -
If only everyone was ready for marriage when they got married right? There's so much pressure from parents, family and society to hurry up and get married or youre a failure, that people bend under pressure and hurry up and fall in line.
I dont think thats a good reason to get married.
When I get married I hope that I will have someone by my side that is also always changing. If I marry someone and they stop being the person that I fell in love with and start being someone else and im all alone again AND trapped in a marriage - I'd be scared. like actually, trapped scared and not sure what to do, how to go about fixing it and making anything better without hurting anyone. So should I stay quiet and hope he comes around again after a few years and just forget about my needs or... what? what if i talk to him and he doesnt care?
I agree there is too much societal pressure on people. They should not get married until they are ready....screw what anyone else thinks. As to your question, it's not necessarily them.....it might be you who change and they remain the same. At that point you have a couple of options.......#1 - try to talk about it.....try to work it out.....too many times issues are caused because people simply won't communicate. #2 - Analyze if you are ok staying together even if you are different....(can you imagine life without each other). #3 - If you can't and you can't work it out (or choose not to) then you look into getting a divorce..........Hopefully you have not had any kids........
I'm sorry, I hope this doesn't sound mean; your paragraph looks like it has asthma and it's making me giggle uncontrollably. :laugh:0 -
but at the same time, especially these days, divorce doesnt mean an end to having a person in your life. Especially if yall have a throng of kiddos together whom you both love with all your heart. It doesnt mean an end to friendship or an end to memories together or an erasure of all your history together. It just means, ok - this was once optimal for us both and now one or both of us is hurting because of it. I may be the one to change and then what if he feels like he is all alone and isnt getting what he needs from me or he cant be himself with me. I would hope he could tell me. I would hope that I would understand. I would hope that neither of us would feel like a trapped failure just because we stay together for the same reasons that got us married in the first place, expectations and outside pressure to conform.
Its what really scares me about marriage.
That it has to be LIKE THIS. Im no good at being what society demands of me, or fitting into a cookie cutter. I couldnt get married because I was 25 and it was time to get married and make babies according to my parents and the rest of the world and the media and the entire set of preceding generations (tons of whom grew old and bitter with regret and anger and resentment). And even if I did do that, OR get married for the right reasons, I couldnt stay married just because that same set of people now have laid another heavy set of expectations and standards and youre supposed to's on me that dont even take ME into consideration.
isnt it about individuals and not the general rules when it comes to love. it's a big scary thing and Im assuming it should be. I wouldnt ever rush in OR OUT of a marriage and I dont think that what the rest of the world expects from me should take precedence over what the two of us would need in order to be happy. Doesnt make anyone a failure, just ...
I dont think a person should feel guilty for changing and not being the same person they were when they were 25, that's all
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If only everyone was ready for marriage when they got married right? There's so much pressure from parents, family and society to hurry up and get married or youre a failure, that people bend under pressure and hurry up and fall in line.
I dont think thats a good reason to get married.
When I get married I hope that I will have someone by my side that is also always changing. If I marry someone and they stop being the person that I fell in love with and start being someone else and im all alone again AND trapped in a marriage - I'd be scared. like actually, trapped scared and not sure what to do, how to go about fixing it and making anything better without hurting anyone. So should I stay quiet and hope he comes around again after a few years and just forget about my needs or... what? what if i talk to him and he doesnt care?
I agree there is too much societal pressure on people. They should not get married until they are ready....screw what anyone else thinks. As to your question, it's not necessarily them.....it might be you who change and they remain the same. At that point you have a couple of options.......#1 - try to talk about it.....try to work it out.....too many times issues are caused because people simply won't communicate. #2 - Analyze if you are ok staying together even if you are different....(can you imagine life without each other). #3 - If you can't and you can't work it out (or choose not to) then you look into getting a divorce..........Hopefully you have not had any kids........
I'm sorry, I hope this doesn't sound mean; your paragraph looks like it has asthma and it's making me giggle uncontrollably. :laugh:
Ha. Please. I don't get offended easily. :-P0 -
I think that rushing into marriage because you want a wedding and society says you should be married and making babies by a certain time so you just pick someone and start doing those things is unwise.
I think it could stifle personal development and lead to giving up.
I think it's unfair to judge people who change after they are married as well.
I struggle with this A LOT....thankfully the part of me that is willing to wait till I meet someone who I could see running wild WITH me instead of trying to change me always wins
Having a daughter, I use to be under a lot of pressure to meet a good man and get married and settle down
I've been a single mom now for 5yrs.
The family has given up and leaving me be haha0 -
I don't think it's silly to get married... but I do think the notion that it's suppose to be a commitment for life is.
Help me understand this... what's the point of getting married if it's not a life commitment? What other value does one get out of being married? I thought the "committed for life" thing was pretty much it, and event hat doesn't require marriage in the minds of most people today.
The commitment was the original point of getting married... I don't think it works with life/society today. For proof look at divorce rates.
So I guess the point of getting married now like many things is: It's just what people do.
Question: Do you think that sort of commitment is actually impossible/really doesn't work in today's world (and if so, why?), or has it just become easier to walk away, without social disapprobation/non-financial consequences (talking about consequences to the two individuals involved, not kids/wider family, here), so fewer people are choosing to work hard at making their marriage/commitment last?0 -
i still believe in it. I dont think it works for everyone or every couple and some people have to try a couple times before they find the right partner that it will work with. But I believe in it.0
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I used to think I did. now i'm not so sure. I think if you're willing to forgive and forget maybe but I don't think anyone is perfect and someone is bound to mess up (cheat) or develop bad habits (or go back to new ones (smoking, drinking, etc).
I think nowadays people are less willing to compromise and make it work than they used to be. just my 2 cents tho. Not saying its impossible.0
